Always my fault

This is terrible. Nobody deserves to go through their lives being put down. So you put a bowl away and we use a different one, no big deal. Well no big deal to you and me. And you should not have to change your behavior because it's easier than dealing with consequences. I know this is easy for me to say, as I am reading your story and you are living it. I also know this must be one story of many.



On top of this you get a morning reminder to start your day. I hope you instead start your day by knowing that someone else has listened to you, and is on your side.



So how about this for a morning note instead: I hope you have a fantastic happy day.

I know how you feel - although my husband was less direct and more passive/aggressive about his criticisms, I was always left feeling like a failure - particularly when it came to things like housecleaning.  Just so that you know, both my children have told me that they are relieved that I asked for a divorce and that they knew how unhappy I was for years.  My STBX has pulled some ridiculous stunts trying to get my kids to favor him, but every time so far my kids have seen right through it.  I was also afraid that they would blame me for destroying their home life, but neither of them has.  Not that getting divorced is easy - it sucks.  But it's still better than being married to a man that doesn't love or value me.

It does take time and you can't do it on anyone else's schedule - it has to be your own timing.  It took years for me to be ready to take this step.  I do wish I had done it earlier sometimes, but I also know that I just really wasn't done until I was done.  I can't explain it any better than that.  In the meantime, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself - find things you love and do them, connect with your friends and family, be as kind to yourself as you can and come to places like this and vent when you need to!

My dad can be a micromanager. My mom's way of handling his criticism of how she did household chores was to say, "If you don't like the way I do it, you can do it yourself."

That is what I say too, but it doesn't stop there.... My husband doesn't tolerate other opinions than his. He simply says that he is the one who knows best. He actually says how wrong it is if I don't accept his comments, because he just tells me how to do things better... I should be thankful that he tells me how to improve my ways. I am an un-thankful bitch.
Whatever I say, it has no beneficial effect whatsoever. It never gets me anywhere. 

Placed under “All my Fault” because it is most appropriate subject.

To name a few: Miestas is running a full household and much more, gets a compliment followed with “But.” MountainRun gets a compliment, with a reminder of things not done. Piano and singing are restricted. GreatCoast makes this colossal voyage to the grocery store, presented with a list of forgotten items, sent back. JMX is cutting the grass to allow further video game leisure time, while kids are bored. Tamara didn't put a specific bowl in the dishwasher, and is restrained when she begins to sing, or tickles daughter she loves. I cannot list them all, so please don't feel left out.



All of this breaks my heart. This may be long winded bear with me, and part of my story leaks out. For one, I am immensely fortunate my relationship has absolutely none of this, neither of us is in control. This is one good thing I can easily describe. Yes I could list more, and yes I will agree it's been 3 ½ years. She was married 17 years to the exact person all of you describe. Spent all that time being reminded she is a failure in every possible way. Dinner not perfect. Are you wearing that? Why isn't the laundry done? It was very harsh and very intense. This ended 10 years ago and she still has it completely ingrained, going away slowly. I recall clearly the first dinner she ever prepared for me, it was a big meat loaf, on our third date or so. She placed it all out, we sat down, I began, she simply stared at me forever and finally asked “Is there anything wrong with it?” I get tears in my eyes when I remember that evening, because now I know the entire story. 1998 her Dad was given one day  to live, she went to see him, he could not go because he had to pick up his new car trailer. I could go on and on.



I came along, and because I am not like this, I am some kind of incredible man. Well guess what I'm not. I'm a regular guy who works in a steel plant, gets fingerprints all over the light switches, my drill motors are on the dining room table. I have no business in the kitchen, she likes it in there. I will carry in the groceries please, I'll move the big chair. But when it is time for something that is a mutual decision or such, there are two of us. She is slowly realizing that she is a human being after all, her opinions and feelings are very important.



What I am getting at: My big fear I believe is already recognized by all those that wrote the accounts I have described above. A permanent damage, changing your own behavior to suit others. Becoming less of an important person to your own self. Going along with it because it is easier than fighting it. Identity diminished and very difficult to return.



My fantasy now goes like this.

MountainRun finally gets one evening with all those books, spreads them out wherever she pleases. On the couch, the counter, right in the hallway. Decides on one and enjoys every page.

Miestas prints out a bill for the business responsibilities, 2-6 kids, meal preparation, etc. “Here is your bill.” No But.

GreatCoast has a shopping list, a real big one? Makes sure the car is full of gas day before, hands her the keys as he collapses into armchair.

TMX confiscates all video games, gets to spend time with kids. Close that window though, lawnmower is noisy with him out there doing it.

Tamara arranges all bowls in her desired locations. Raises a big cloud of dust tickling daughter. Then breaks in to a great loud song, which is perfect because Mountain Runner is now playing the same song on the piano.



I hope anyone not included understands I can only read and remember so many posts. If I did leave you out, please make sure put your part of the big fantasy on here, so we can read all about it. Because it's not going to end as a fantasy. I also hope I did not offend anyone, or go out of bounds.

Or maybe be LIKE their dad,  AND Better.  Both I think.