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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2016 2:34:16 GMT -5
What I am getting at: My big fear I believe is already recognized by all those that wrote the accounts I have described above. A permanent damage, changing your own behavior to suit others. Becoming less of an important person to your own self. Going along with it because it is easier than fighting it. Identity diminished and very difficult to return. That is my fear too. My whole adult life has been this way, I do not have experience with a 'normal' and equal relation. It is in my nature to go along with someone else until my breaking point. I am aware of it that it is going to be a challenge to live as I am, doing things I want, don't give in to others that easily. But still remain my 'easygoingness' in a healthy way. Your fantasy is pretty close to mine. Arranging my house my way, singing, playing my music and have fun and laugh with my daughter. And go out with her, because it griefs me that we never ever go anywhere because there is always a reason why we can't go according to him. I want to go to the beach with her. I am so sad and ashamed for everything she has missed out on, but I truly can not give it to her as long as all three of us live together. That is a reason to move out as quickly as possible, but financially that would harm her study, so I can't yet. Agony.... It has to become better some day. |
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2016 2:38:29 GMT -5
All of those things are good, to a point. And perhaps giving up a little of yourself is a necessary part of having a family and kids. But they become habit forming. If I look back over the last decade I can trace my life slowly shrinking inside of me until I was mostly living to keep other people happy. And at that point 'identity diminished' is exactly what I felt. But I am fighting back... I think that is very true. Same way for me. My identity is diminished. At least when I am in the house. Taking that big step to find a FWB was not just about sex, at least as much or more than that, it was unlocking the prison I was in. |
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Mar 30, 2016 2:41:42 GMT -5
"unlocking the prison"...........OMG, it's the hardest part of the whole thing, and made all the harder the longer you're subverting yourself to stay sane and keep that mask looking nice and clean. I have struggled so hard with this. "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains.....and we never even know we have the key..." (Eagles).
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Post by sand5280 on Mar 30, 2016 2:45:04 GMT -5
I want to go to the beach with her. I am so sad and ashamed for everything she has missed out on, but I truly can not give it to her as long as all three of us live together. Unsure of age of your daughter, and now sharing your concern that you are sad and ashamed that she is missing out on important things in life. Maybe she will end up being a solitary person as I did, as a kid my parents were both so incredibly busy we never did any fun stuff. Please excuse a very forward question, which does not require an answer: What is preventing you from taking her to the beach, for example, while he does not go? I'm aware I don't know the full story, and again not asking for an answer, just reminding you of something you have already asked yourself. |
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2016 2:58:00 GMT -5
I want to go to the beach with her. I am so sad and ashamed for everything she has missed out on, but I truly can not give it to her as long as all three of us live together. Unsure of age of your daughter, and now sharing your concern that you are sad and ashamed that she is missing out on important things in life. Maybe she will end up being a solitary person as I did, as a kid my parents were both so incredibly busy we never did any fun stuff. Please excuse a very forward question, which does not require an answer: What is preventing you from taking her to the beach, for example, while he does not go? I'm aware I don't know the full story, and again not asking for an answer, just reminding you of something you have already asked yourself. My daughter is 15. My husband is controlling, and my daughter doesn't want to provoke him (not much anyway). Everything is done at a daily routine at home, husband blocks everything that is out of the ordinary. I have tried to go with my daughter somewhere, but he objects to everything. And I can't just 'take' her, because she won't go without his consent. And even if she would.... our pleasure would be surely spoiled by him at returning home. Takes a bit long to explain. |
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Post by sand5280 on Mar 30, 2016 3:18:47 GMT -5
Unsure of age of your daughter, and now sharing your concern that you are sad and ashamed that she is missing out on important things in life. Maybe she will end up being a solitary person as I did, as a kid my parents were both so incredibly busy we never did any fun stuff. Please excuse a very forward question, which does not require an answer: What is preventing you from taking her to the beach, for example, while he does not go? I'm aware I don't know the full story, and again not asking for an answer, just reminding you of something you have already asked yourself. My daughter is 15. My husband is controlling, and my daughter doesn't want to provoke him (not much anyway). Everything is done at a daily routine at home, husband blocks everything that is out of the ordinary. I have tried to go with my daughter somewhere, but he objects to everything. And I can't just 'take' her, because she won't go without his consent. And even if she would.... our pleasure would be surely spoiled by him at returning home. Takes a bit long to explain. I am seeing so many controlling partners on here. Also as a kid I recall my dad was very very slightly 'the boss' but not so much controlling. My mom had no problem with this, she told me as an adult “I married my father.” They both got along quite well, still do after 55 years. As kids we did not feel in an uncomfortable environment. My 'solitary' life now I described, was no doubt a result of my dad was more than full time teacher, mom owned a growing business. We two kids did not feel abandoned or neglected, we just grew up thinking everyone was always busy all the time. You don't describe this situation. I have heard unpleasant stories about your fun being ruined, by the expectation of returning home. Lots of things take a long time to explain. I still have NO idea how to get my story on here, but I must or I will explode. Remember my mailbox is available. |
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2016 3:27:22 GMT -5
This is a good place to put your story. I will so too, but need to find time....
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2016 3:49:14 GMT -5
"unlocking the prison"...........OMG, it's the hardest part of the whole thing, and made all the harder the longer you're subverting yourself to stay sane and keep that mask looking nice and clean. I have struggled so hard with this. "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains.....and we never even know we have the key..." (Eagles). Yes that is true. It took a long time to realize that I actually did have more options than staying in the situation. I have stepped into a parallel world. and some that that will be the 'real' world and next thing is shutting down the old chained world. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Mar 30, 2016 18:31:10 GMT -5
My husband is controlling and obsessive compulsive. Obsessed with cleaning among other things. There is only ONE good way to do everything right, and he happens to be the one to know what way is the right way. He demands me to do everything like he wants to. I often object to some minor things, but do most things his way because I can't cope with the stress he causes when I do things 'wrong'. Yesterday - Easter, he was going to make diner. Something went wrong and he got mad at me because that was because I had not put a certain bowl in the dish washer, so he had to use something else and it didn't work. I got mad too. So I was the bad one for being mad of course. Terrible evening. And this morning he left me a note to point out to me everything I do wrong and everything that is wrong in our lives is my fault. He is the one who is impossible to live with. Not me. But even so, all his accusations hurt me. I don't agree with them, but at the same time they make me daubt myself. I hate that. I will leave some day but I fear how he will convince himself and our daughter that I am the one who distroyed everything. Oh God. That's horrible. It's abusive. Unfortunately, he is who he is and he couldn't change even if he wanted to. That is no excuse for the damage he is doing to you and your self worth. It leaves you wondering if you have any value. Your children will not blame you for leaving. They are aware of more than you know. |
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