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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 15, 2018 15:34:50 GMT -5
I have been in a sexless marriage for 24 years. In the beginning, I thought things would change. As time went on, I realized it wouldn't, but I stayed to make sure my kids were taken care of. I lived without so much. I grew so lonely.
Now that I am finally out, I find myself wanting to find someone...but I have no idea how. I want to share my life with someone...and I really am tired of being lonely. Where does a 43 year old woman find prospects? I checked out a few online sites and was depressed to see that guys my age are generally looking for women 10 years younger.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 15, 2018 17:35:51 GMT -5
Go to meet-ups that interest you. Get involved in other groups that interest you. While I know women as old as 70 who have found loving, committedcpartners through online dating, I think it’s easier to meet people by brightening your social life and really doing things that you enjoy. When I divorced, I was 61. I tried online dating but didn’t meet anyone. I ended up dating to my complete surprise someone who is been a long time acquaintance through a theater group that I am involved in. We now have been together five years. He is the love of my life.
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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 15, 2018 18:46:36 GMT -5
I ended up dating to my complete surprise someone who is been a long time acquaintance through a theater group that I am involved in. We now have been together five years. He is the love of my life. That made me smile...so wonderful! I hope to find that some day. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 16, 2018 2:25:41 GMT -5
I'm 47 and fat. I have a kid. I have a range of deficits (I have many positive qualities, too!) I actually found an amazing guy on one of those dating sites. It involved me understanding what I would accept and what I wouldn't accept, but being open to possibilities that I might not have considered earlier in life.
It also involved me taking my time and going on 'ehhh, maybe' dates but cutting those off quickly if they weren't right. This took a while - I will have been separated for three years this summer.
I have a partner now who is a joy to be with, who appreciates me, who parents with me (I help him, too - he is a non-custodial parent of two boys). We have the family life I've always wanted (almost - obvs there are issues with exes, etc and I wish his boys were here more and I wish my son wasn't being parented by a racist asshole). We just had a weekend of his mother, my dad, our three boys spread out across our two houses and it was great. We are planning to move in together sometime this year (depending on logistics) but we already basically live together.
I probably started chatting with him online this time last year. If you'd asked me this time last year if I could be so happy and in such an amazing relationship I wouldn't have put money on it.
Our sex life is great. Oh, and he's a year younger than I am.
Try the online thing, but the most important thing is to try to build yourself an enriching life that isn't partner dependent and indulge your own interests and your talents.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 16, 2018 5:59:38 GMT -5
This: “but the most important thing is to try to build yourself an enriching life that isn't partner dependent and indulge your own interests and your talents.”
That is what I did the last years of my marriage:, became the kind of person that I had always wanted to be. I didn’t do this to get or keep a man. I did it for myself. Then, one day I realized I’d be even happier single than in a lonely marriage. II had no man waiting in the wings. I ended up being with a man I’d met during my self discovery journey but that was a surprise, not the reason for my divorce or internal changes.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 16, 2018 9:10:27 GMT -5
I have been in a sexless marriage for 24 years. In the beginning, I thought things would change. As time went on, I realized it wouldn't, but I stayed to make sure my kids were taken care of. I lived without so much. I grew so lonely. Now that I am finally out, I find myself wanting to find someone...but I have no idea how. I want to share my life with someone...and I really am tired of being lonely. Where does a 43 year old woman find prospects? I checked out a few online sites and was depressed to see that guys my age are generally looking for women 10 years younger. Where you go influences what you get. If you're seeing guys looking for someone 10 years younger, that is a good thing. He ain't the guy for you. He's looking to get laid. I'm a 45 year old man and was looking for someone who was my age or older. My criteria was she had to know who the "A-Team" was. I know it sounds silly but if you're looking for more than a quick lay you need to have common ground. Hard to do that when you don't even get the common jokes of your generation. In the end I met ballofconfusion who is a tiny bit older than me (she really LOVES when I point that out - not). There probably are sites out there that do a better job than the typical "meat market" ones. I'll leave that for others to opine on. I do agree with northstarmom that somethibg like a meet up could be good. You're likely to meet someone not looking just to get laid and there will be at least one common interest. One thing you definitely have going for you is you are unlikely to want to start making babies. For a guy in his mid 40's? That is an advantage you have over someone a decade younger with a biological clock ticking loudly. Good luck! |
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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 16, 2018 12:04:14 GMT -5
This: “but the most important thing is to try to build yourself an enriching life that isn't partner dependent and indulge your own interests and your talents.” That is what I did the last years of my marriage:, became the kind of person that I had always wanted to be. I didn’t do this to get or keep a man. I did it for myself. Then, one day I realized I’d be even happier single than in a lonely marriage. II had no man waiting in the wings. I ended up being with a man I’d met during my self discovery journey but that was a surprise, not the reason for my divorce or internal changes. I have been doing that for the past few years. I belong to clubs and do quite a bit of volunteer work...my husband was no part of that world. I could be happy alone...but I would really like to find someone to share my life with. I feel like I have been alone for 24 years already. Sad...but true. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 16, 2018 12:16:17 GMT -5
This: “but the most important thing is to try to build yourself an enriching life that isn't partner dependent and indulge your own interests and your talents.” That is what I did the last years of my marriage:, became the kind of person that I had always wanted to be. I didn’t do this to get or keep a man. I did it for myself. Then, one day I realized I’d be even happier single than in a lonely marriage. II had no man waiting in the wings. I ended up being with a man I’d met during my self discovery journey but that was a surprise, not the reason for my divorce or internal changes. I have been doing that for the past few years. I belong to clubs and do quite a bit of volunteer work...my husband was no part of that world. I could be happy alone...but I would really like to find someone to share my life with. I feel like I have been alone for 24 years already. Sad...but true. Are you outgoing or introverted? If the latter you might need to stretch outside your comfort zone. If a guy knows you're interested he's more Likely to make a move. It does open you up to potential heartache but that's part of the game. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 16, 2018 12:29:46 GMT -5
I have been there, so I know some days just really suck when you want to find that special someone but it hasn't happened yet. I remember people telling me to be patient, be happy doing things for myself, embrace life, work on myself, etc. That's all fine and dandy, and I was doing that most of the time, but in the end, I was sad I didn't meet "him" yet. So, I get it.
Hold on to the examples here of us who have found those special relationships. We are proof it CAN happen. I went on a lot of dates and had a couple years of some messed up relationships with some men that were all wrong for me before I met my current husband. The dating sites are not a place to find "love," they are just a place to meet men. If you take that approach, it takes some of the pressure out of it. I recommend serious ones where you pay a premium because if a guy is paying a monthly premium, he is seriously looking (in my opinion). I liked EHarmony but I know others don't. I liked it because there's no "swipe left" or whatever... it's based more on answering questions and looking for that compatibility. My husband and I are so compatible! Yes, we met on EHarmony.
But, love can be anywhere at anytime. Hang in there. Smile. Keep doing those things you enjoy. We know it can get lonely. Just hold out true, genuine hope it's POSSIBLE and that you are WORTHY of the love you seek.
P.S. Not all men want someone younger. Let go of those limiting, negative beliefs, they only hinder you!
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 16, 2018 16:09:27 GMT -5
True on that. I do not even think most men are looking for younger women, unless they have in their mind starting a new family. I love my kids, but I am done with that having kids stage of my life. My first EAP was ten years older than I was.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 17, 2018 5:58:43 GMT -5
Yes I think ironhamster is right on that - there are some men who are looking to start a family so they will specify younger, fair enough really. There are some men who want younger because they are looking for trophy partners - ok, you don't want them anyway. And other men who are looking for companionship as well as sex will mainly be looking for people 'around' their own age, as my partner was. He is also done having kids and had the snip ages ago. shamwow is right - if you're a certain age, you definitely want your partner to know who the A-Team is, even if they might not know how to call them. And it's great you're doing stuff to enrich your own life, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a GOOD partner to share it with. But tiredofbeinglonely are you ruling out men 10 years older than you? My AP was about 8 yrs older than I am, which was just inside my window of acceptability, mainly for the cultural reference side of things!! Looks wise, everything else, he was super hot (to me). |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 17, 2018 7:56:19 GMT -5
Yes I think ironhamster is right on that - there are some men who are looking to start a family so they will specify younger, fair enough really. There are some men who want younger because they are looking for trophy partners - ok, you don't want them anyway. And other men who are looking for companionship as well as sex will mainly be looking for people 'around' their own age, as my partner was. He is also done having kids and had the snip ages ago. shamwow is right - if you're a certain age, you definitely want your partner to know who the A-Team is, even if they might not know how to call them. And it's great you're doing stuff to enrich your own life, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a GOOD partner to share it with. But tiredofbeinglonely are you ruling out men 10 years older than you? My AP was about 8 yrs older than I am, which was just inside my window of acceptability, mainly for the cultural reference side of things!! Looks wise, everything else, he was super hot (to me). I pity the fool who doesn't know how to find the A-Team. Check the "Los Angeles Underground" like they say in the beginning of the show. It's a good place to start. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 17, 2018 11:15:31 GMT -5
shamwow - meh, too far away. One of the weird things about being an immigrant is that you don't have quite the same cultural references as even people in your age group. But thankfully in the late 90s and early 2000s when I was fairly new to this country British tv was rife with "Top 100 sitcoms of the 70s" "Favourite movie lines of 80s" blah, blah, blah. Pure nostalgia drivel. But I watched every one of them I could so was able to catch up with things of my age even if I hadn't experienced them directly. So I was about to make a joke about "Jim'll fix it even if the A-Team is too far away" but it's entirely inappropriate, crude and frankly a little sick given recent revelations.
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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 17, 2018 16:22:29 GMT -5
I'm pretty open. I was hoping to find someone my age, plus or minus 10. I'd like to meet someone who has similar interests and is at a similar place in life. I am past the kiddo stage mentally, although it's still possible physically.
My list of wants is small...have a nice smile, make me laugh, love to travel. Most importantly, want to be touched, loved, admired.
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 17, 2018 16:35:12 GMT -5
Your list of wants is so basic, so fundamental to a person's well-being, so touching.
I'm almost one year out from a 27 years long loveless, joyless marriage and sorry but I've no answers but I can empathise; for what it's worth you are not alone.
Very best wishes
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