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Post by stayinginthegame on May 17, 2016 11:11:39 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope?
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Post by angryspartan on May 17, 2016 11:18:31 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope?  |
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2016 11:25:58 GMT -5
I stayed faithful for 21 plus years however when I fell out of love I lost the ability to stay faithful. Some ways that I coped were by seeking friendships separate from my spouse, going to sporting events, movies by myself.
I coped but I cried a lot. The anger and resentment kept growing. I needed to stop crying and started individual therapy. That helped me figure out what was right for me.
The anger and resentment isn't totally gone but it's diminishes. Now I cry once or twice a month instead of twice a week.
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Post by wewbwb on May 17, 2016 11:52:09 GMT -5
I stayed faithful for 21 plus years however when I fell out of love I lost the ability to stay faithful. Some ways that I coped were by seeking friendships separate from my spouse, going to sporting events, movies by myself. I coped but I cried a lot. The anger and resentment kept growing. I needed to stop crying and started individual therapy. That helped me figure out what was right for me. The anger and resentment isn't totally gone but it's diminishes. Now I cry once or twice a month instead of twice a week. I admire your strength and courage. You made tough decisions for your happiness even though it brought you pain. My wish for you is the happiness you deserve. |
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Post by stayinginthegame on May 17, 2016 12:07:51 GMT -5
I think resentment is one of the hardest parts of staying. If a person chooses to stay, the somehow need to find a way to live without resentment. I'm working my way in that direction.
In order to stay a person must have a plan for taking care of their own sexual needs without violating their own conscience. When a person acts out sexually (out of frustration) in a sexless marriage, they get mad at themselves-but they get more mad at their spouse for putting them in a position where they felt they needed to get the needs met outside of the marriage.
I think that factor makes a positive attitude much harder to maintain.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 12:11:05 GMT -5
All the Other Things in a healthy productive life.
That, and working on fixing the things that are wrong with me -- and most of us have those. In this regard, I stopped doing the things that cause my wife angst. Maybe not all of them, but I try to tackle the big ones first and move down the list. From time to time, I even ask how I'm doing.
For me, I have kids that need a lot of attention. Most of that is fun as long as I'm keeping the right attitude about it. Part of keeping the right attitude is keeping the bitterness at bay. A big part of managing the bitterness is keeping in mind the things I did -- my culpability -- in landing myself in this situation.
There is also work and responsibility as well as lots of fun hobbies -- some of which my wife even enjoys.
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2016 12:36:07 GMT -5
I stayed faithful for 21 plus years however when I fell out of love I lost the ability to stay faithful. Some ways that I coped were by seeking friendships separate from my spouse, going to sporting events, movies by myself. I coped but I cried a lot. The anger and resentment kept growing. I needed to stop crying and started individual therapy. That helped me figure out what was right for me. The anger and resentment isn't totally gone but it's diminishes. Now I cry once or twice a month instead of twice a week. I admire your strength and courage. You made tough decisions for your happiness even though it brought you pain. My wish for you is the happiness you deserve. Thank you. I am finally happy! My marriage was a total shithole. |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 13:25:58 GMT -5
I think resentment is one of the hardest parts of staying. If a person chooses to stay, the somehow need to find a way to live without resentment. I'm working my way in that direction. In order to stay a person must have a plan for taking care of their own sexual needs without violating their own conscience. When a person acts out sexually (out of frustration) in a sexless marriage, they get mad at themselves-but they get more mad at their spouse for putting them in a position where they felt they needed to get the needs met outside of the marriage. I think that factor makes a positive attitude much harder to maintain. You wrote this before I posted my response. Couldn't have said it better. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 14:13:06 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope? I'm going to answer that with a question. Coping doesn't really " fix" anything does it? It just delays it. we can give you a list of delay tactics, but it is just a band aid approach. The closest thing I ever heard is medication that lowers your Labido, but has other adverse side affects. you can attempt to redefine your relationship for what it has truly become. A non communicative sharing of material possessions. Notice I did not say, " a business partnership or room mates" those have more, and better communication than a sexless, loveless marriage. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 17, 2016 14:26:37 GMT -5
You are staying because there is mutual love between you both. I use that strong bond of love to push and pull towards getting what I need to stay. Also we have kids so we both want our marriage to work under any circumstances. I have been faithful so I use that as leverage to make her give more. She says she doesn't want me having sex with someone else so I take advantage of that and let her help me stay faithful. I am honest with her about how I feel and how much I am able to cope and that I cannot do it alone. We go to church as a family and pray that we can make our marriage work. Our daughter helps too. I ask her what was great about her freshman year in high school and she says friends, good grades and parents still together. ILIASM site is helpful too and very thankful to folks here. I can't expect my wife to be everything I need.
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Post by petrushka on May 17, 2016 18:25:38 GMT -5
I stayed faithful for 21 plus years however when I fell out of love I lost the ability to stay faithful. Some ways that I coped were by seeking friendships separate from my spouse, going to sporting events, movies by myself. I coped but I cried a lot. The anger and resentment kept growing. I needed to stop crying and started individual therapy. That helped me figure out what was right for me. The anger and resentment isn't totally gone but it's diminishes. Now I cry once or twice a month instead of twice a week. That's still once or twice too many! {{{hugs}}} |
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Post by petrushka on May 17, 2016 18:41:11 GMT -5
I think resentment is one of the hardest parts of staying. If a person chooses to stay, the somehow need to find a way to live without resentment. I'm working my way in that direction. In order to stay a person must have a plan for taking care of their own sexual needs without violating their own conscience. When a person acts out sexually (out of frustration) in a sexless marriage, they get mad at themselves-but they get more mad at their spouse for putting them in a position where they felt they needed to get the needs met outside of the marriage. I think that factor makes a positive attitude much harder to maintain. Actually I think resentment is past "the line in the sand". If I feel resentment more than once or twice a month, say on a daily basis, then I am way past ready to move out. Every couple has disputes and quarrels and differences of opinion from time to time, so a little resentment every now and again is 'the price we have to pay'. But not as a permanent presence. The way I cope is: I don't expect a turtle to fly. If my wife feels no sexual excitement any more, if it 'just doesn't work for her any more', then I'd be an idiot to expect her to go off like a banshee when we have sex ... in fact since she's not interested at all any more, I'm quite happy to leave her alone, sexually. I'm somewhat sad and disappointed over this, but I don't resent her for who and what she is. I like her as a partner, a companion, someone who is always ready to get into harness with me and get things done. Best kind of friend one could wish for. Trustworthy, honest, committed, and likes to play as much as I do, even though we play in different playpens most of the time (fibre, textiles and ceramics for her, wood and computers for me, boardgames for both of us). Affectionate within her lights. I adjust my expectations to what she can actually deliver, instead of making unreasonable demands. But if none of my needs and wants were being met, I'd lose motivation entirely. There's gotta be some quid pro quo. I think if there were on-going abusive behaviour I would build up resentment over time, and eventually that barrel would be full and run over, and I'd break it off. I for one am not willing to stay with someone I resent. No freakin' way. Remember that old sexist joke: "Why do men die before their wifes? Because they want to!" -- well I plan on living to 100. |
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Post by stayinginthegame on May 17, 2016 19:27:16 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope? I'm going to answer that with a question. Coping doesn't really " fix" anything does it? It just delays it. we can give you a list of delay tactics, but it is just a band aid approach. The closest thing I ever heard is medication that lowers your Labido, but has other adverse side affects. you can attempt to redefine your relationship for what it has truly become. A non communicative sharing of material possessions. Notice I did not say, " a business partnership or room mates" those have more, and better communication than a sexless, loveless marriage. ------- Not all sexless marriages are equal. Not everyone is willing to end a marriage over this issue either-that's why I specified "for those of you who plan to stay". I know it isn't a common approach, but some of us are choosing this and want to play with the one factor in this powerless situation that we can control, our attitude. I'm on a medication that happens to lower my labido a little-nothing can bring it quite down to to what it would need to be for me to be satisfied. I have to find my peace, security, confidence in a different area of my life than my sexuality-that is just never going to work for me. |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 21:17:38 GMT -5
You are staying because there is mutual love between you both. I use that strong bond of love to push and pull towards getting what I need to stay. Also we have kids so we both want our marriage to work under any circumstances. I have been faithful so I use that as leverage to make her give more. She says she doesn't want me having sex with someone else so I take advantage of that and let her help me stay faithful. I am honest with her about how I feel and how much I am able to cope and that I cannot do it alone. We go to church as a family and pray that we can make our marriage work. Our daughter helps too. I ask her what was great about her freshman year in high school and she says friends, good grades and parents still together. ILIASM site is helpful too and very thankful to folks here. I can't expect my wife to be everything I need. You have to use leverage to get sex, and you call this making it work? I shudder to think what "under any circumstances" means. |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 21:21:52 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope? If you want to be the only one honoring your marriage commitment (he broke it by denying you intimacy), very well. So you have chosen a life with no intimacy. No, I can't imagine how anyone could cope with that. |
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