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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 22:50:22 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope? For me it is a hard question to answer because of the "and plan to stay faithful" part. I cope by constantly searching for sexual partners. But taking that out of the equation I'd have to say....... LOTS and masturbation.
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Post by lwoetin on May 17, 2016 23:03:35 GMT -5
You are staying because there is mutual love between you both. I use that strong bond of love to push and pull towards getting what I need to stay. Also we have kids so we both want our marriage to work under any circumstances. I have been faithful so I use that as leverage to make her give more. She says she doesn't want me having sex with someone else so I take advantage of that and let her help me stay faithful. I am honest with her about how I feel and how much I am able to cope and that I cannot do it alone. We go to church as a family and pray that we can make our marriage work. Our daughter helps too. I ask her what was great about her freshman year in high school and she says friends, good grades and parents still together. ILIASM site is helpful too and very thankful to folks here. I can't expect my wife to be everything I need. You have to use leverage to get sex, and you call this making it work? I shudder to think what "under any circumstances" means. Do you remember when you asked me what I would do if I get stuck in a sexless marriage? I said that I would likely survive and start an EP group called I Love in a Sexless Marriage. Well I was wrong. That approach will drive you batty. Yes, yes and yes....all is fair in love and in a sexless marriage. Being in love and in a sexless marriage is incompatible. So I use a huge lever when needed to knock some sense into my bitter half so she realizes that I am not that bad. Or I beg and go on my knees for any scraps of intimacy. I can still look in the mirror fine.
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Post by baza on May 18, 2016 0:13:39 GMT -5
I think that the best method of coping is to accept that staying is *your* choice. In other words, to take ownership of your situation - and NOT blame your avoidant spouse, or anything else - and to abandon any "victim of circumstances" thinking. - It is a subtle shift in thinking, but essentially, pretty simple. Of course "simple" is one thing, and is not to be confused with "easy", as this shift in thinking is very VERY difficult thing to achieve. But what it will do, is put you back in control of your life, and what direction you want to drive it.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 7:55:56 GMT -5
You have to use leverage to get sex, and you call this making it work? I shudder to think what "under any circumstances" means. Do you remember when you asked me what I would do if I get stuck in a sexless marriage? I said that I would likely survive and start an EP group called I Love in a Sexless Marriage. Well I was wrong. That approach will drive you batty. Yes, yes and yes....all is fair in love and in a sexless marriage. Being in love and in a sexless marriage is incompatible. So I use a huge lever when needed to knock some sense into my bitter half so she realizes that I am not that bad. Or I beg and go on my knees for any scraps of intimacy. I can still look in the mirror fine.
Your bitter half...LOL
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Post by itsjustus on May 18, 2016 18:09:48 GMT -5
I think that the best method of coping is to accept that staying is *your* choice. In other words, to take ownership of your situation - and NOT blame your avoidant spouse, or anything else - and to abandon any "victim of circumstances" thinking. - It is a subtle shift in thinking, but essentially, pretty simple. Of course "simple" is one thing, and is not to be confused with "easy", as this shift in thinking is very VERY difficult thing to achieve. But what it will do, is put you back in control of your life, and what direction you want to drive it. This.....is what I think the answer would be. I can say by way of endorsement of baza's opinion my experience of the people I knew closely at EP that made this choice, this is where they found their peace. They accepted that it was their choice, and as such, had nothing to do with their spouse's desires or lack there of. This was of course, after communicating with their spouse and learning that the situation would not change. They found fulfilment in their sacrifice of this part of them, for their marriage.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 18, 2016 19:12:16 GMT -5
For those of you who plan to stay (and plan to stay faithful), what have you found that has helped you cope? Humor. It is my best defense mechanism. I had planned to stay faithful. Having sex with my AP is a godsend. I had planned to do good things for my community. Backstabbers put an end to that. I had planned to have several more years of my father's company. He has been gone almost a year. I no longer plan anything. It does no good. Life comes one day at a time. I cherish each day as it is. Do you want to be well fucked? Make plans - life will do the rest!
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 19:43:18 GMT -5
stayinginthegame, one other thing I would recommend is surround yourself with decent, active, high energy, positive people. I'd recommend that to anyone under any circumstances, but in your situation where you may sometimes feel that you're getting your blood sucked out, it is imperative.
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Post by holdingontoit on May 23, 2016 10:53:25 GMT -5
Not sure why Resentment is getting such a bad rap on this thread. Once you find yourself in a long term SM with kids, you may find that Resentment is a more reliable partner than your spouse.
And I agree that maintaining whatever shreds of sanity are left requires us to accept that we are choosing to stay. That we are doing this to ourselves. Our partner is not doing anything to us (the essence of the problem). We are choosing to prioritize finances and material possessions and our kids and lack of conflict over having a fulfilling sex life. Our partners are not forcing us to make that choice. They may be forcing us to make A choice but they do not determine which outcome we prefer.
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Post by holdingontoit on May 24, 2016 7:17:32 GMT -5
Fiery: Clarity was not easily obtained and I am confident my situation is not enviable. I have posted obsessively on several marriage forums for 14 years. Wish I had not been such a slow learner.
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