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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 15, 2018 2:52:39 GMT -5
My boyfriend asked me to marry him last night!
Really need to get that divorce sorted.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 15, 2018 5:42:58 GMT -5
Awww congratulations!!!
(Yep, prolly smart to end that first marriage lol!)
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 15, 2018 6:00:44 GMT -5
Congrats!
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Post by elynne on Mar 15, 2018 6:41:44 GMT -5
@elkclan! That makes my heart smile. You’ve done the work to earn this joy. Rock on!
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Post by WindSister on Mar 15, 2018 6:58:20 GMT -5
 I'm smiling for you. I hope yours is an intimacy-filled union full of respect and appreciation for eachother for the rest of your days. Always glad to see Post-SM'ers who still believe in marriage. Wishing you the best!! |
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Post by Caris on Mar 15, 2018 16:09:51 GMT -5
Congratulations! Wish you much happiness. 🤗
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Post by saarinista on Mar 15, 2018 17:01:00 GMT -5
My boyfriend asked me to marry him last night! Really need to get that divorce sorted. Congratulations to both of you! Yep get going on that divorce girlfriend. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 16, 2018 0:36:45 GMT -5
I’m so happy for you - congratulations! I have followed your thoughtful posts on how you two interact with the kids & blending the family styles as well as the way your man makes you feel (aka desired!). This is such a happy post. Much joy for you!!
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Post by baza on Mar 16, 2018 1:08:35 GMT -5
Like Sister GeekGoddess , taking into account your relationship with each others kids and all speaks volumes about the solidity of your relationship and you seem to love each other very much. Great base - congratulations respected Sister elkclan2 . |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 16, 2018 11:02:57 GMT -5
Congratulations on the marriage proposal. It must be a wonderful feeling to be in a relationship that looks like it's leading to a commitment like marriage.
Still, I am wondering the following: Have you taken the time to get to know yourself and to heal after your sexless marriage? In looking at your back posts, I see you've been separated from your husband for about 2 years, but still haven't divorced. I also notice that it appears you've been with your boyfriend for about a year, and if you are living with him now, that's a relatively recent change in your living status.
Sometimes when people separate but don't divorce it's because they're still hanging onto the marriage due to either fear of being alone (i.e. they won't divorce until they find a solid replacement) or they are still hanging onto hope for the marriage. From your posts, it seems you were having an affair when you decided to separate from your husband, and then you started seeing your current boyfriend after you separated from your husband and continued with the affair partner. It doesn't seem like you've given yourself a chance to get reacquainted with yourself without also being in a relationship. Typically, after a SM, there's lots of healing that needs to be done and wisdom to be acquired including wisdom about red flags in relationships.
I also notice that in your posts about your boyfriend, you have mentioned having lots of sex (congrats! I know how important that is especially after the sexual desert of a SM), but haven't said that much else about your boyfriend except that he's good looking and treats you with kindness. The honeymoon glow at the beginning of a relationship with wonderful sex can sometimes cause one to overlook other kinds of red flags.
How well do you really know this man? Have you met his friends? Extended family? Have you been through any rough times with him that show how he handles adversity? How he handles finances? Have you ever Googled him? How does he get along with your child and what are his views of child rearing? I know that you've said that his kids and your child get along well, but it is still the honeymoon period and things may be different if you become a step parent. That's when the rubber hits the road. Have you talked to him about his previous relationships? Does he blame his partners for break-ups or does he assume some responsibility? Are there any similarities between what attracted you to this man and what attracted you to your STBX? I know that until I broke the mold with therapy, I always had been attracted to men who seemed emotionally closed, men whom I felt it was my duty to help become more emotionally expressive. They were men with some kind of childhood hurt whom I felt it was my destiny to heal. The man all looked different, had different kinds of jobs, but were very similar under the skin. It took therapy for me to learn that those were men for me to avoid.
Anyway, I truly wish you well with your relationship, and I've only raised this points because it's better to take a careful look before leaping than to quickly leap and then get stuck in situation that it's hard to get out of.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 18, 2018 13:40:27 GMT -5
Ha ha - northstarmom thank you for the warm congratulations! I hear what you're saying, though. I've been looking for red flags. Looking for them hard. I'm not sure he's really all that good looking, but I'm very attracted to him - I think he's nice looking, in a science guy kinda way. I'm not in any rush to get married - I want to get the house sorted first and in MY name only. (But I'll be fair...) I'm not getting hitched without making sure I'm not left in the lurch housing wise. As far as step-parenting goes, I'm not under any illusions. It happens that it's going incredibly well. His kids are here only every other weekend, so obviously that's an artificial situation. He is essentially living with me now (or me with him - we swap between homes) and so he is here every day that my son is here. Yes, it's still early days really, but we are increasingly caring for each others' children. The biggest issue really right now is that my son has always been an only child and he is having some trouble adjusting to sharing attention and resources. The kids get on well, but I can see my son would rather have all the attention. He gets on really well with my partner though, they are open and affectionate. Parenting style wise, he is probably a little stricter, but I am probably too lax. He is by no means strict, though. Yep, I've met friends and extended family, including his ex-girlfriend and his ex-wife, but not yet his mother (though will be meeting her in two weeks). He's met mine (except my brother). OF COURSE I've Googled him, as I met him through an online dating site, I'd googled him before we ever met in person. My dad did a full-on search of his research and publications record. I've tagged along to a work thing of his in the field and he's been to mine. I even took him on a rugby girl pub crawl, which was frankly pretty brave of him. We've met each others' work colleagues. Yes, we've talked about previous relationships - his and mine - and what shit we contributed and what we tolerated that we shouldn't have. I have also been in therapy and I know a lot of my issues were thinking I don't deserve any better. Obviously life is gonna throw some shit at us and has already. Mostly parents' ill health and crazy exes. My one concern is that we've yet to have a real disagreement, i.e. fight. But I'm not gonna pick one just to find out what it's like. We've talked about that, too and how we're both a little concerned about it. We nearly had Yes - there are similarities between him and my STBX - it makes sense that there would be. He's super smart, they're both academics though in very different fields. They both have similar attitudes to money - although that was never an issue between me and my ex really as I also have a similar attitude. And that's kinda where the similarity ends. Yeah, yeah I know about the divorce thing, but honestly the last last last thing I'd want is to hang on to the old marriage. Gah, noooooo! My issue is that I have an almost pathological fear of paperwork and that's my bad. My partner left one of his old divorce folders in the back of my car during his move - one of those big old box type ring binders - my son asked me what it was and I told him, and he said "ohhhh, now I understand why you're not divorced yet." |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 18, 2018 14:40:22 GMT -5
Elkclan, Thanks for taking the time to reply and for realizing that my concerns came from wishing the very best for you and your son.
I'm wondering about this: "I'm not sure he's really all that good looking, but I'm very attracted to him."
How important are looks to you? In reality, most people are ordinary looking and hit their peak in their 20s or teens. Are you looking at the man and always thinking you could do better in the looks department or do you look at him and see the body and face fo the person you love? If you feel your are settling, that would be a red flag.
I'm glad you've Googled him and have met his family, and have been in therapy. It surprises me that many people don't bother to do such things.
Have you talked about finances including values about finances?
Marriage is such a big step. I still think it would be better to delay that for a while, to get past the honeymoon period and then see what happens. That you don't seem to have ever been on your own after the marriage concerns me because you could be unknowingly settling. The engagement still seems very quick to me on both of your parts. To me, there seems to be little to lose in waiting a year or so after your divorce is final.
How long has he been divorced? Did he live as a single for a while after divorcing?
From what you've posted, I haven't seen any red flags except the speed of the relationship and its progressing to an engagement. That seems fast to me especially since you're not yet divorced. Indeed, it surprises me that he'd ask you to marry him even though you're not yet divorced.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 15:48:39 GMT -5
Lucky you! Congratulations, and the best of luck to you.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 19, 2018 1:32:54 GMT -5
northstarmom it surprised me that he asked me to marry him when he did, too - I felt it was leading that way - BUT - I assumed he would wait until I was divorced. In fact, I pretty much thought he'd pop the question when the ink was dry. I did think it was on his mind. Looks aren't that important to me. Attraction is vitally important to me. To me he looks hot. To me he's good looking. Don't get me wrong, I prefer someone easy on the eye. I'm probably just shallow enough to not be with anyone really ugly. He is probably better than average for his age, but he wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea. He looks and dresses like a field scientist and not one that the BBC Natural History dept has dressed for the camera. Fortunately I like that look just fine. Money we talk about and talked about very early on. Attitude to money is one of the things that are on my essentials list and one that I actually got right with my ex. We've even talked about money if we were to die and getting wills changed and the need to talk about the details of money for when we move in together and the relationship breaks down (though we haven't yet got to full details). We aren't in any hurry to get married. I know what kind of wedding I want and it needs warm weather (or the chance of warm weather as this is England). 2019 is too soon and we will be too broke from moving though I should be divorced then. I'm aiming for summer of 2020 when we should be able to afford to put some cash behind the bar. Rather ridiculously I may need to pick a date by the end of 2018 or certainly early 2019 to get my preferred venue (my rugby club!). That gives plenty of time to back out should I need it. His genuine red flag is that he does seem to need to be in a relationship and that has led him to choose poorly in the past. He has had another relationship since his divorce (a number of years ago). He has lived in his own places for at least year after the end of each of those relationships. But we have talked about that, too. Another 'issue' not exactly a red flag, but an issue for sure, is that he would certainly find someone else to have sex with if the sex in our relationship dried up past the point of tolerability. He has done so in the past, as have I. He knows my red line on that is students, I would find that unforgivable, but that doesn't seem to be his thing. We have talked about how we'd feel if the sex ended in our relationship for medical reasons and how we'd handle that. We have even talked about at what point we'd have a chat about sex if it started to dry up for non-medical reasons (or at least reasons that didn't seem obviously medical.)
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Post by merrygoround on Mar 19, 2018 4:00:59 GMT -5
Congratulations to you both!
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I'm smiling for you. I hope yours is an intimacy-filled union full of respect and appreciation for eachother for the rest of your days. 
