|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 8, 2018 7:09:36 GMT -5
But WHY do I blame myself for the relationship failing when it seems I’m the one trying so hard?! When I tell him I feel like I’ve been trying on my own for 8 years. That you checked out. His reply, “Well you obviously haven’t been doing the right things. What have you done? Give me examples.” I, a bit ashamed, said I can’t think of any examples right now. But at least I try. You admit yourself you haven’t even tried. That you decided to put ‘us’ on the back burner and focus on other things for 8 years. Why? Why do I feel like the failure? He’s the one pushing away, creating distance, dismissing. I think the joint therapist is wrong. I think our problems right now are much more about power and control and the fact that I’ve decided not to take it sitting down anymore. You blame yourself because he threw another DARVO at you. Due to your "trained" lifestyle you are living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). No , you did not give an example, it caught you off guard. However a day latter you could wright pages of them! And what would happen if you read them to him? Nothing! He will check out again. What have you done? Here's an idea for you. Make a list titled " Things my Husband has not done for a LONG time". You know ALL those household chores and kid raising responsibilities, that should be equally shared. Things he will find himself having to do if you where gone. Things he will have to put on his big boy underwear and do for himself. Things that you continue to sacrifice and give, give, give, while receiving 0% in return. Lastly " who the HELL is he to decide "the right things"? According to who? HIM only!! It's past time to knock him off his pedestal. You answered it for yourself, "our problems are about power and control". shrink4men.com/2012/04/02/radio-program-the-problem-with-pedestals-and-men-who-place-women-upon-them/No intimacy = no communication No communication = no trust No trust = divorce Divorce = freedom |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 8, 2018 7:33:29 GMT -5
Joint counseling doesn’t work if a relationship is abusive. What happens is the abuser manipulates the therapist and comes out looking like the rational person in the marriage.
End your waste of time marital counseling. Get into individual therapy with a therapist experienced in working with women in situations similar to yours.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Mar 9, 2018 12:38:43 GMT -5
But in intimate relationships, I feel guilty about getting angry. I feel shamed very easily. I have to fight those knee-jerk reactions and to listen to my gut that says “Hey. That wasn’t very nice. I should speak up here.” If I had to summarize my response to "she's being pissy with me" or "she's tweaked by the world", it was not that I felt guilty or angry, but that I started to do this calculation: - When she's upset -- with me or the world -- she definitely isn't "in the mood" for intimacy.
- So I have to try to keep her in the "non-tweaked zone" to even have a chance at sex tonight or anytime soon.
- So I have to change my behaviors (even reasonable ones) AND put effort to shield her from the things out of my control.
Drip, drip, drip: before you know it, I've built this mask around me of "the me I think she wants me to be so she'll be at ease enough to have a normal marital sex life".... but it never materializes, and I'm stuck in this contorted position! My early days in the EP ILIASM forum got me to consider: she just might be this way, period. And: there is likely nothing I can do to change her. THAT WAS A HUGE STEP in allowing me to see that "divorce and find someone who digs how you are naturally" might be the only way to leave the contortion and sexlessness behind. Since then, I've been much more frank with her. She sees it, I'm sure. She interprets it as "I care less about her". But that isn't it: it is that I'm respecting myself more. And if she's not down with me being me, and I'm not down with sexlessness... what are we doing together, again? |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 9, 2018 17:28:26 GMT -5
Actually Brother Dan , by being frank with her, you are according her great respect, as well as respecting yourself. How she interprets that respect is on her, not you. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 23:31:04 GMT -5
You were gone for 5 minutes..
what was he doing. was he "busy" doing something else and you tried to hand him a battery?
If that happened to me, I would have told wife "thanks, put it down over there". But then she would know that I dont let someone hand me something. I never get that, just put it down. Know what I mean?
But each couple has their way of doing things.
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Mar 27, 2018 2:00:45 GMT -5
You were gone for 5 minutes.. what was he doing. was he "busy" doing something else and you tried to hand him a battery? If that happened to me, I would have told wife "thanks, put it down over there". But then she would know that I dont let someone hand me something. I never get that, just put it down. Know what I mean? But each couple has their way of doing things. The big difference between your reply and h’s: Thanks. Such a little thing - but such a different reply. Curious. Do you NEVER let someone hand you something? Like you arrive at a dinner party. Someone takes your coat. Your hostess greets you then hands you a glass of wine... What do you do? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2018 20:28:24 GMT -5
You were gone for 5 minutes.. what was he doing. was he "busy" doing something else and you tried to hand him a battery? If that happened to me, I would have told wife "thanks, put it down over there". But then she would know that I dont let someone hand me something. I never get that, just put it down. Know what I mean? But each couple has their way of doing things. The big difference between your reply and h’s: Thanks. Such a little thing - but such a different reply. Curious. Do you NEVER let someone hand you something? Like you arrive at a dinner party. Someone takes your coat. Your hostess greets you then hands you a glass of wine... What do you do? I guess it is a pet peeve of mine. Watch people, watch how someone has to hand something to someone rather then setting it down. Sure I let people hand me something, LOL. I cant even imagine that scenario of a diner party, lol. Sounds like a movie. "Mr Bond, may I take your coat? White wine Sir" I have been on a ladder and had someone bring me water. They stood there until I came down to hand me the drink. They could have just sat it on the table next to the ladder. People!! Save |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 20, 2018 10:59:10 GMT -5
“H: the battery in the smoke detector in the guest house is dead.
Me: Oh? Where is it?
H: I took it out.
Me: What kind of battery is it? A 9 volt?
H: yeah.
Me: Ok. You look in the fridge (where he keeps batteries). I’ll look in the cellar.
Me: (After a 5 minute search - approach him with a big smile) Hey-hey! Look what I found! (Attempt to hand him the new battery).
H: (Turning his back to me) Uh. Just put it at the end of the table. ”
You seem to have a habit of taking responsibility for his concerns. Then you get annoyed when he doesn’t accept the solution you’ve offered.
He said, “the battery is dead.” That was just a statement of fact. From what you’ve posted, he is an able bodied man capable of getting the battery in the refrigerator where he keeps them. Instead of either continuing to go about your business, you got the battery then got miffed when he didn’t immediately use it.
If you want the battery replaced immediately, then do it. If not — and if he’s a person who is likely to do it on his own, then continue to go about your business.
If prior experience has been that when he says, “the battery is dead,” that’s a demand for you to get up and get it, and if you don’t, he will get snarkyhe is very demanding and controlling. you aren’t his servsnt.
|
|
littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56 
Age Range: 26-30
|
Post by littlelamb on Apr 25, 2018 22:09:20 GMT -5
My Husband doesn't like me to hand him things. I found this out early on bringing him coffee...I got impatient waiting for him to look up so I could hand him the cup and went to getting his attention only to be told he hated being handed things and for me to just sit it down ....which got an... "  ... ok then" from me ... but it's still kinda shitty and I understand and don't think OP is a bitch for being kinda hurt by it. It had hurt me too, if someone was sweet enough to bring me anything I want to look at them and thank them I don't really understand why it is such an inconvenience either. |
|
... ok then" from me ... but it's still kinda shitty and I understand and don't think OP is a bitch for being kinda hurt by it. It had hurt me too, if someone was sweet enough to bring me anything I want to look at them and thank them I don't really understand why it is such an inconvenience either.
