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Post by elynne on Mar 4, 2018 5:22:54 GMT -5
I don’t want to be a bitch. I like to think of myself as a nice person. Heck, I AM a nice person!
This morning hubs walks into the kitchen.
H: the battery in the smoke detector in the guest house is dead.
Me: Oh? Where is it?
H: I took it out.
Me: What kind of battery is it? A 9 volt?
H: yeah.
Me: Ok. You look in the fridge (where he keeps batteries). I’ll look in the cellar.
Me: (After a 5 minute search - approach him with a big smile) Hey-hey! Look what I found! (Attempt to hand him the new battery).
H: (Turning his back to me) Uh. Just put it at the end of the table.
It really annoyed me. I go out of my way to solve his problem. I hand him the solution cheerfully. He reacts dismissively and tells me to walk across the house to place it where it’s convenient for him.
(My guilty bit- I toss the battery onto the end of the table instead of walking the 9 feet to the end of it)
Me: It would have been nice for you to just take the battery when I handed it to you and say ‘thanks.’ It kind of pissed me off when you acted dismissively.
H: Jesus fucking Christ! I can’t say anything now?! You’re so fucking sensitive. (Mumble mumble grumble... - he starts talking under his breath and I tune out).
Argjkjj!!!! In all of this I’ve so lost my sense of what’s up and what’s down! Truth be told, I’ve never been so good at boundaries. With family and people I’m supposed to trust I’m not so good at standing up for myself. With strangers - I’m ok. Standing up for an underdog - don’t get in my way. I’ll put myself on the line to right a wrong.
But in intimate relationships, I feel guilty about getting angry. I feel shamed very easily. I have to fight those knee-jerk reactions and to listen to my gut that says “Hey. That wasn’t very nice. I should speak up here.”
My trouble - is I second guess myself. Am I being the asshole?
And then I think - how would I have reacted if the situation were reversed? H says, It would have been nice for you to take the battery when I handed to you and say thanks.
I think I would have said, “You’re right. I’m sorry. Thanks for finding it for me. <kiss>.”
Am I being over-sensitive? Am I itching for a fight? Am I stirring the pot to prepare for my out? Am I just finally standing up for myself because I’m no longer trying to hold up this house of cards? I really just don’t know. (Sigh)
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 4, 2018 6:10:57 GMT -5
You probably can relate to this example. iliasm.org/thread/2223/living-controllerAt least your H is willing to change the battery! My W just tells others "the smoke detector needs a battery". It's taken a divorce to get to the point to say " then you need to take care of it" and walk away. What really helps is knowing that in a few months it won't be "ours" anymore it will be hers, and her responsibility. Although, I am already witnessing the future at our house. My STBX will tell the teens the same thing and expect them to fix it..... A typical (literally) arm chair quarterback! [Me:" It would have been nice for you to just take the battery when I handed it to you and say 'thanks'. It kind of pisses me off when you act dismissively." H: Jesus fucking Christ! I cant say anything now?! You're so Fucking sensitive.] Once again he pulled DARVO on you. Denial - I am always right. Argue - Starts cursing and yelling. Reversal - I can't say anything. Victim - starts talking under his breath Offender - your so sensitive. The best way to deal with these tug of wars is to drop the rope and let him fall on his butt. You have to learn to catch it ahead of time. And stop giving. Back to boundaries. You have to realize he needs to put on his "big boy underwear" and start finding batteries and fixing things himself. Go serve your children instead and do something together with them. Someone who respects you and gives back in return. |
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Post by baza on Mar 4, 2018 6:11:18 GMT -5
Dysfunctional marriage fucks with your head, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back into the dysfunctional loop. Reckon I've written that a couple of hundred times on EP and on here Sister elynne . Our version of "normal" gets skewed out of whack, and we start to become someone we hardly recognise. It all comes with the ILIASM shithole territory. I reckon were you to run off a copy of your post, and put it away for a year, then got it out again on March 4 2019 and read it - you'd wonder what the fuck you were thinking. You're NOT too sensitive. That you are entertaining thoughts that you might be suggests strongly that your thinking is skewed at the moment. That is pretty usual for our common situations. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 6:55:39 GMT -5
elynne, no, you’re not being over-sensitive. You’re being human while he is being an asshole. His outburst shows me that he rejects accountability and instead projects the entire blame onto you. At the very least, he could’ve responded with a gentle rebuttal such as “I didn’t realize I was being dismissive.” But no, he had to go for the jugular. My H does that too. I’ve learned to tiptoe very well over the years to largely avoid his outbursts. But at some point, tiptoeing gets old. There’s the old adage that we teach people how to treat us. I agree with that, to some extent. However, some people disregard the boundaries of others no matter what is said. Those people only listen to one thing, the door closing behind them. It’s probably a great exercise for you to stand up for what is right, relationally speaking. However, don’t be surprised if he fails to respond differently. I’m sorry your H treats you this way. You are not alone in dealing with this kind of behavior.
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Post by elynne on Mar 4, 2018 7:17:53 GMT -5
elynne, no, you’re not being over-sensitive. You’re being human while he is being an asshole. His outburst shows me that he rejects accountability and instead projects the entire blame onto you. At the very least, he could’ve responded with a gentle rebuttal such as “I didn’t realize I was being dismissive.” But no, he had to go for the jugular. My H does that too. I’ve learned to tiptoe very well over the years to largely avoid his outbursts. But at some point, tiptoeing gets old. There’s the old adage that we teach people how to treat us. I agree with that, to some extent. However, some people disregard the boundaries of others no matter what is said. Those people only listen to one thing, the door closing behind them. It’s probably a great exercise for you to stand up for what is right, relationally speaking. However, don’t be surprised if he fails to respond differently. I’m sorry your H treats you this way. You are not alone in dealing with this kind of behavior. Thank you! I really needed to hear this. I feel like being married to H is a bit like living in a house with carnival mirrors. This forum is helping me see how distorted things are. Being able to recognize ‘normal’ may take a little longer. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 4, 2018 8:55:50 GMT -5
“There’s the old adage that we teach people how to treat us. I agree with that, to some extent. However, some people disregard the boundaries of others no matter what is said. Those people only listen to one thing, the door closing behind them. It’s probably a great exercise for you to stand up for what is right, relationally speaking. However, don’t be surprised if he fails to respond differently. I’m sorry your H treats you this way. You are not alone in dealing with this kind of behavior.”
We do teach people how to treat us as long as I’d they don’t learn, we end our relationship with them.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 9:31:20 GMT -5
Thank you! I really needed to hear this. I feel like being married to H is a bit like living in a house with carnival mirrors. This forum is helping me see how distorted things are. Being able to recognize ‘normal’ may take a little longer. That is one of the best things about this forum, as well as having support from people I met here. More than once I'd mention something that bothered me a little about how I was treated, and the response was more along lines of "She did WHAT? That is fucked up in so many ways" which allowed me to see things a bit more clearly. Not that I have decided to do anything about it yet, but it helps to get out of the gas-lit environment and into the sun every once in a while. |
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Post by elynne on Mar 4, 2018 9:39:35 GMT -5
Thank you! I really needed to hear this. I feel like being married to H is a bit like living in a house with carnival mirrors. This forum is helping me see how distorted things are. Being able to recognize ‘normal’ may take a little longer. That is one of the best things about this forum, as well as having support from people I met here. More than once I'd mention something that bothered me a little about how I was treated, and the response was more along lines of "She did WHAT? That is fucked up in so many ways" which allowed me to see things a bit more clearly. Not that I have decided to do anything about it yet, but it helps to get out of the gas-lit environment and into the sun every once in a while. So true! And so helpful to have found a group that ‘gets it’! That understand that after 10 years of belittling comments, an eye roll and walking away can be just as nasty as an outright asshole comment. In fact H’s body language, his tone of talking down to me, or underhanded comments or mumbling under his breath and then acting like there’s a problem with my hearing is so frustrating. I think he chooses these methods because they’re so deniable and so difficult for me to pinpoint and explain to him or to others. So I generally don’t. But here! Yay! It’s like talking to a bunch of folks that actually understand! I feel validated. |
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Post by elynne on Mar 4, 2018 9:49:11 GMT -5
Dysfunctional marriage fucks with your head, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back into the dysfunctional loop. Reckon I've written that a couple of hundred times on EP and on here Sister elynne . Our version of "normal" gets skewed out of whack, and we start to become someone we hardly recognise. It all comes with the ILIASM shithole territory. I reckon were you to run off a copy of your post, and put it away for a year, then got it out again on March 4 2019 and read it - you'd wonder what the fuck you were thinking. You're NOT too sensitive. That you are entertaining thoughts that you might be suggests strongly that your thinking is skewed at the moment. That is pretty usual for our common situations. Oh dear! If you only knew how far I’d come to call him out on these things! To even acknowledge I felt annoyed or angry that he didn’t thank me. To actually say something to him - calmly- matter-of-factly - but to continue to take his undercuts out of the shadows and bring them into the light. It appears I still have a long way to go. But lots of small steps in the right direction will eventually get me to my destination; a healthy sense of self, healthy boundaries, and eventually a healthy relationship (either with or without H). |
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 4, 2018 11:15:46 GMT -5
It appears I still have a long way to go. But lots of small steps in the right direction will eventually get me to my destination; a healthy sense of self, healthy boundaries, and eventually a healthy relationship (either with or without H). THIS, 100%. It is one small step for you in speaking your truth and refusing to be treated in a way that adds to your unhappiness. Good for you. You are not being a bitch, you are starting to do what you need to do for YOU. |
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Post by elynne on Mar 4, 2018 12:26:19 GMT -5
Thank you! I really needed to hear this. I feel like being married to H is a bit like living in a house with carnival mirrors. This forum is helping me see how distorted things are. Being able to recognize ‘normal’ may take a little longer. That is one of the best things about this forum, as well as having support from people I met here. More than once I'd mention something that bothered me a little about how I was treated, and the response was more along lines of "She did WHAT? That is fucked up in so many ways" which allowed me to see things a bit more clearly. Not that I have decided to do anything about it yet, but it helps to get out of the gas-lit environment and into the sun every once in a while. I hope you don’t mind me asking, and I’m not judging, but why haven’t you decided to do anything. And if you did decide to do something, what would you do? Therapy? Talk more openly? Work on the dynamics? I did come across a resource that claims to be successful in teaching some narcissists to improve. I can see if I can find it if you’d like. I know for me personally, it’s not a good option to have to police someone’s mistreatment of me. By nature I like smooth things over. It’d be like trying o use a sieve to boil water. I would set me up to fail miserably. |
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 4, 2018 12:45:58 GMT -5
elynne... firstly, he was being a dick; you aren't being sensitive. For me the litmus test for these situations is "How would this have gone down between coworkers? Or between a boss and subordinate?" When your spouse can't treat you as politely as a coworker, they've got issues. And yes, I share your split behavior. Though I think it extends beyond family to those you value long-term relationships with. I know I'm more likely to be rigid with my expectations of someone I'm buying goods or services from (I.e., have no relationship, or a transactional one); I'm more likely to flex for a coworker, customer, friend.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 4, 2018 15:51:02 GMT -5
I recommend reading this book: iliasm.org/thread/787/emotional-blackmailAt the moment you still are in a 'fog' = fear obligation guilt. Caused by the way your spouse is twisting everything. And as Baz says - a dysfunctional marriage fucks with your head. My ex was also very good in making me doubt myself. This book can help you. |
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Post by csl on Mar 4, 2018 17:21:38 GMT -5
You: Bovine effluvia! I've already told you what you can say. You can say "Thank you" and stop being a dick. (Yes, I may be born again, but I understand dickish.) Lucky you! Here's the link to Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, a classic on re-establishing boundaries. They also wrote one just for Boundaries In Marriage. In the words of the late, great troubador, Gamble Rogers, "When your works speak for themselves, shut up!" |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 5, 2018 3:18:46 GMT -5
My guess is that only the NICEST people stay in sexless marriages.
But the HAPPIEST people leave them, and fast!
Perhaps all of us need to work more on being happy rather than "nice." Especially to our refusers, who aren't being nice to us, that's for sure!
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