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Post by WindSister on Feb 27, 2018 8:34:21 GMT -5
Disclaimer... on the boards I talk real, but I really am easy going, and don't cop attitudes with anyone in real life. My husband's kids and I have good relationships... I'm gramma to their kids. They actually beg to see us if it's been awhile (we get the videos from his daughter...lol). I'm always civil with his ex and respectful of her place in the family, even when she's super passive aggressive (making me wait two hours in town to get the grandkids from her, for example and her being dramatically sorry for the "miscommunication. ") I don't hug her, though...ever. I'm not all fakey smiley, buddy, chummy...never will be. My husband's ex Girlfriend of four years was, and is, she would go drinking with her, etc. Yeah....not ever gonna happen!
So...that all said... his youngest daughter just bought a new house and is moving this weekend. Dad is helping. So is mom. And inlaws. Inlaw gramma gets to watch all the grandkids.
I decided I don't need to be there. I've done enough of these to know how it goes. The two women are very territorial. They acknowledge each other as grandmas, and their men as grandpas (even though his ex isnt married to her man) and my husband as grandpa, but I'm just me... my name. Even though the kids call me gramma themselves. Its a subtle dig, but it's real. They coordinate things together but leave me out of it.
I share this with a reminder to the women on the boards....if you divorce your husband, prepare yourself for the reality he will bring a new woman into the equation and that woman will have a place in the family, too. She WILL be Gramma. Whether YOU accept her as one or not.
Hopefully she's not a bitch. On the same token, you need to do your part to hopefully not be a territorial, passive aggressive "mean girl."
It's all part of the reality.
Anyway, I am heading north to see my family instead and I feel good about that decision. My husband knows I need time in the woods and he wants to also finish mudding the basement walls before the move on Sunday.
I'll let the two oh holy Grandmas have their place as the matriarch queens they need to be all weekend. Yes that was said with attitude, I'm allowed to be real here, right?? I don't even let that slip with my husband but he notices the little things they do and will stand up for me on his own. This weekend, though, he can just focus on helping kiddo move. He likes knowing where his girls live, give the house a once over, the neighborhood, etc.
Anyway... just sharing another reality of Post SM.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 27, 2018 8:53:28 GMT -5
I'm glad you are not participating in the big move! Just to keep it short- It annoys me to see how much this "new generation" expects to have given to them.
After 11 yrs of living through the toxicity of having my FIL live in our house, every meal, every event, every morning , every evening, etc... I plan on not interfering with my sons and daughters lives and families.
I will be there, don't get me wrong! That also means "I will be there" by saying " No, you need to do that for yourself.
For example : my 21 yr. old is moving out next week. He found his own place, a room-mate, someone he has worked with for years, and they are renting a house together. It's furnished. I'm not needed. He did it all on his own. ( he just got a raise a promotion, and better hours too)
I raised him right. I did my part. I'm very proud of him.
Ironically at 54 yrs old, I'm going to be doing much of the same thing. I'm going to expect some help from my teens, and friends. Not intrusive parents or a controlling ex wife.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 27, 2018 9:17:09 GMT -5
greatcoastal... I know. I actually agree with you and it's another reason I'm not jumping to be there. It's my husband's choice and I respect it, but, I don't understand why dad with a bad back is helping when they must have young twenty-something friends. But, dad is always there to help. We helped other daughter move twice. So, I've done it. I just feel ok stepping out of this one. I'm not as close to this daughter as the other one because of the two grandmas who live in the same town. His other daughter includes us more. Anyway... It's just good to stay true to yourself, too. I want to be there for them but I'm not going to jump through hoops or compete with anyone either. It just feels right to step out of this one. And, I'll get to actually enjoy the weekend! 
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 27, 2018 9:37:06 GMT -5
@windsister, you are taking the best approach. Let the crazies have their moment in the sun, you can always go to her new house in the near future to help with things that will come up after the move. I'm glad you are not participating in the big move! Just to keep it short- It annoys me to see how much this "new generation" expects to have given to them. I would contend that concept of "doing for ourselves" is a historical anomaly fostered by the explosion of suburbs with improved transportation following WW2. Prior to that time people lived in common neighborhoods for several generations. Life events always involved the family and frequently the extended family. This was even more pronounced in the rural communities where dependency on others would help ensure an optimal standard of living. Multigenerational households can be advantageous to all the members but only if each member is contributing and respectful. Unfortunately greatcoastal that is not your reality. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 27, 2018 12:44:52 GMT -5
jim44444 -- Yes, that thought crossed my mind, too. It is sad we got away from that kind of communal living, but, also, with split families, it all just gets to be so much. This family does do A LOT together.... god, so many freaking birthdays, births, etc. I get to hang out with these women 6 times a year (shoot, sometimes more!!). I have tried to warm up, be friendly, get to know but they both get weird with me when it's all of us. I 100% feel them barely just tolerating me at these things. I literally get a "sideways" hello from the inlaw grandma with barely a smile and I am STILL really confused what I ever did to piss HER off.  Oh well. I feel GUILTY that I won't be there, trust me, I am fighting that worthless feeling, but at the same time, I just really "don't want to." I can't explain it. I am not doing it to play games or anything like that. Some people on petty step parent boards actually have a name for it of "disengaging." I am NOT disengaging, and wouldn't (not from the kids or grandkids, ever). Anyway, just thinking out loud. Muddling through all this stuff. I am happy to retreat to the woods this weekend!! MUCH needed!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 27, 2018 13:11:19 GMT -5
Here's what I fall back on, and plan on using for years to come.
If either spouse fails to both " leave and cleave" problems will arise in the marriage. If spouses refuse to truly leave their parents, conflict and stress result. Leaving your parents does not mean ignoring them, or not spending any time with them. Leaving your parents means recognizing that marriage created a new family, and that this new family must be a higher priority than your previous family.
If spouses refuse to cleave to each other, what happens is a lack of intimacy, sex, trust, and unity.
Cleaving to your spouse does not mean being with them at every moment, or not having meaningful friendships outside the marriage.
Cleaving is a key element in building a marriage that will endure hard times.
There needs to be a balance. As jim44444@ so nicely put it " only if each member is contributing and respectful". That's the history that I go back to.
WindSister@ you continue to set a good example for "the next generation" of what a respectful , caring parent and relationship" looks like.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 27, 2018 20:49:57 GMT -5
Thanks, greatcoastal. I am thankful I can talk real here. But, yes, out in life here, I do not make big deals of things. I notice, though. And file things away. My husband has always been fair but made our relationship a priority. I know how lucky I am!! I will never take it for granted. As I type this he's down in the basement working away.... making it our dream home. I made his lunch for tomorrow and did his laundry. We help each other. I know this is crazy but I am going to miss him this weekend!!! A LOT. I know it's healthy to do things apart...yada, yada, blah, blah... but we LIKE being together. We prefer it. We've spent every Friday together since June 2014. It's our let loose, fun night. Gonna be weird. I should stop now lest I be lectured for being too dependent. I won't change. He won't. I have lived my whole life independent, lone traveler. I happily spend the next half with this man every step of the way. I'm not "looking forward" to a weekend away from him, I just know I need to spend some time with my family and could use some time in the woods versus hanging with his ex and the gramma inlaw. I'm already looking forward to coming HOME!! Which is different than my SM. Course, I know, without a doubt I will be greeted with sex. Ahh... And, we have been active all week knowing we will be apart a couple days. lol.  |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 27, 2018 20:53:18 GMT -5
But I'm seriously slightly choked up knowing I am leaving tomorrow night. I know, I know! It's just how this is. I adore that man. I'm not clingy, either, it's just...how we are. Hard to explain.
I can do this. Lol
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Post by WindSister on Mar 1, 2018 10:00:04 GMT -5
I am all packed up and ready to leave at noon today for three nights away.
I gotta say, there is something VERY REAFFIRMING in a relationship when your partner sends you off sexually satiated. We had sex this week like we did in the very beginning (twice last night even). I asked him what was up with his appetite this week and he replied, "I can't send you off sexually hungry." Okay!! I like! lol Since this is the first time I have left, it's the first time I experienced this in our relationship. Yes, it's so completely opposite of life with my ex in that dark, cold SM we had. Phew!!
I am "rewarded" to leave more now! haha
But, seriously, on that note, we talked about that, too, how we rarely do things apart and "is it normal??" I was asking, "Should I leave more?" He said that in his past relationships he used to "say" he was going to miss his partner but would secretly be excited for time apart, but that he genuinely does not feel that now, he said he prefers to be with me and he will feel lonely this weekend, not desperate lonely, just that he will genuinely miss me (as he said). Time together (as in years) can't be the sole contributing factor for that, either, (ie, we are not simply still in "honeymoon phase") because he was only with his ex girlfriend for 4 years and said he actually really liked time apart from her even in the very beginning. I agreed. I used to love traveling on my own. Course, my ex didn't know how to have fun to save his soul.
I guess bottom line, what is "normal" or not is not relevant. WE are a "joined at the hip couple" but I know like I know I breathe that he and I have a healthy relationship. No one is clingy. No one is crying to keep the other home. No one is throwing guilt trips or playing games. We simply PREFER each other to others. It's how it is. I can be more myself with him than anyone else in my life.
Not sure why I am sharing that, I guess to say there IS NO "Normal" -- there is only what works for each couple. Are you happy together? That's the question. THIS is what I wanted. I expected to find it, I deemed myself worthy of finding it. I found it. Now I will nurture it and appreciate it always.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 1, 2018 11:35:42 GMT -5
Good for you @windsister. My partner and I are about to spend a couple of weeks apart not too long from now. He takes a business trip same time every year..but it's a business trip with a lot of fun elements (still work though). I would love to go with him (although he would make me work a bit, driving and a bit of teaching), but it just doesn't work out this year.
And we'll be apart for a couple of nights fairly soon (though on weeknights, which is a bit different). I'm not really looking forward to it, especially for the almost two week one. I know he'll have lots of fun on the trip, but I'll miss him and he'll miss me. We even miss each other when we have to spend a night or two apart because of kid reasons (we probably sleep apart 2 nights a month!)
Just acknowledge the missing and enjoy the time doing something else. I don't get to see my kid every day and I hate that, but at the same time, I try to enjoy doing things I can't do when he's around (e.g. loud sex at 11am, 'boring' lectures)
Don't feel at all bad about not going to the moving thing. And don't feel like you're disengaging (such a horrible concept!!!) - you don't have to do everything all the time.
I still have a lot of step-stuff to navigate, but I like how you can acknowledge that other people's actions are off, but you still show up - most of the time! Im sure if you were really needed you would be there.
As to extended families...my partner and I have been talking about we're probably going to have kids in our house well into their 20s. We live in one of the most expensive housing markets in the world. (I also said 'no loafers' - everyone pays rent after university, though truthfully it's probably my son who's the most likely loafer).
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 2, 2018 15:24:45 GMT -5
Maybe I’m strange but I hate moving myself or anyone else. If I’m obligated such as it’s my move or a kid’s move out of to college, I pitch in. But if I were excluded from an offspring’s move or a step offspring’s move as the op was, I’d be relieved and clicking my heels over having more free time. If invited to their house warming, I’d show up with a nice gift and warmly congratulate them on their new digs.
If the op is desperate to help, she could send food to sustain those laboring on the move.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 6, 2018 14:57:19 GMT -5
Maybe I’m strange but I hate moving myself or anyone else. If I’m obligated such as it’s my move or a kid’s move out of to college, I pitch in. But if I were excluded from an offspring’s move or a step offspring’s move as the op was, I’d be relieved and clicking my heels over having more free time. If invited to their house warming, I’d show up with a nice gift and warmly congratulate them on their new digs. If the op is desperate to help, she could send food to sustain those laboring on the move. I wasn't excluded, I chose not to participate. And I still feel good about it! I guess it was crazy with SO many people. My husband was there from 10 am until 2 and left when they started in on the food that the grandma-inlaw brought as he didn't want to eat with everyone, he was saving himself for dinner with moi! I got home, we went out to eat and had a great time, I had none of the shenanigans of being there in my mind. Win- Win!! I do have a housewarming gift for my Step-Daughter and her family that I will give to them this coming Sunday when I see everyone for a grand daughter's 1st Birthday Party. |
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Post by Dan on Mar 10, 2018 8:05:33 GMT -5
We simply PREFER each other to others. It's how it is. I can be more myself with him than anyone else in my life. That. Is. Lovely! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 10, 2018 9:15:52 GMT -5
We simply PREFER each other to others. It's how it is. I can be more myself with him than anyone else in my life. That. Is. Lovely! ...and how it SHOULD be. |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 11, 2018 9:09:08 GMT -5
Thanks Dan and choosinghappy. This relationship works for us, but I won't say it's a model of anything. I am going against some of the "shoulds" by preferring to be with him over gal friends. I feel no urge for girl's nights or weekends. I don't need a stockpile of friends. He's not stopping me from anything, I'm not stopping him. We just are who we are. I think it's important to be able to discern the health of our own relationships without comparing it to other's. |
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Oh well. 
