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Post by Chatter Fox on May 16, 2016 11:53:11 GMT -5
Finally! Something that simply nailed it for me! *huge sigh of relief* I needed to stumble on this today. shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/comment-page-2/I am by no means trying to diminish the pain of abused women when I say this, but us men have a bit of a different struggle as the recipient of abuse. It's not worse than a woman's story. It's just different. Our struggle is that, in our society, women are "supposed" to be emotional and men are "supposed" to be able to handle it. It is hard for a man to admit to being emotionally abused and women that are the perpetrators know just where to draw the line so they can claim that they are a normal woman and we are simply weak. What starts to hapen is this odd covert and manipulative mind fuck of a game. Even self help books keep the societal wheels churning. Case in point? The book, No More Mr.Nice Guy. Ever read it? In my opinion, it simply dismisses abusive behavior towards men and places the burden of change solely on the man. Again, not to diminish women's difficulty in abusive relationships, but what I typically see is this. Woman abused? Advice is to leave. Man is abused? Advice is to man up. I think men should be given the same advice under the same circumstances. Somehow though, us men are expected to grin and bear it or feel as though we are weak and a failure as a man because we couldn't "keep her in line". I don't know about you, but I don't want a woman that needs to be reminded that it's not ok to be abusive. I feel I deserve a woman that simply treats me kind. ...because that's how I treat her. Sadly, most of us men in these emotionally abusive relationships buy into these societal double standards....me included. Finally, an article that calls out abusive women for being abusive. This shit is simply what it is ... abuse. ...and men should be able to feel justified in walking just as easily as women in the same exact situation. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 16, 2016 12:04:56 GMT -5
Finally! Something that simply nailed it for me! *huge sigh of relief* I needed to stumble on this today. shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/comment-page-2/I am by no means trying to diminish the pain of abused women when I say this, but us men have a bit of a different struggle as the recipient of abuse. It's not worse than a woman's story. It's just different. Our struggle is that, in our society, women are "supposed" to be emotional and men are "supposed" to be able to handle it. It is hard for a man to admit to being emotionally abused and women that are the perpetrators know just where to draw the line so they can claim that they are a normal woman and we are simply weak. What starts to hapen is this odd covert and manipulative mind fuck of a game. Even self help books keep the societal wheels churning. Case in point? The book, No More Mr.Nice Guy. Ever read it? In my opinion, it simply dismisses abusive behavior towards men and places the burden of change solely on the man. Again, not to diminish women's difficulty in abusive relationships, but what I typically see is this. Woman abused? Advice is to leave. Man is abused? Advice is to man up. I think men should be given the same advice under the same circumstances. Somehow though, us men are expected to grin and bear it or feel as though we are weak and a failure as a man because we couldn't "keep her in line". I don't know about you, but I don't want a woman that needs to be reminded that it's not ok to be abusive. I feel I deserve a woman that simply treats me kind. ...because that's how I treat her. Sadly, most of us men in these emotionally abusive relationships buy into these societal double standards....me included. Finally, an article that calls out abusive women for being abusive. This shit is simply what it is ... abuse. ...and men should be able to feel justified in walking just as easily as women in the same exact situation. Good article and yes abuse is abuse. My ex demonstrated 4,6,7,8,9&10. Nobody should have to live with abuse. |
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Post by angryspartan on May 16, 2016 12:07:42 GMT -5
That was pretty interesting. I would have liked to have seen at what frequency some of those actions need to be done to qualify as abuse.
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Post by smilin61 on May 16, 2016 12:07:49 GMT -5
Sadly, most of us men in these emotionally abusive relationships buy into these societal double standards....me included. Finally, an article that calls out abusive women for being abusive. This shit is simply what it is ... abuse. ...and men should be able to feel justified in walking just as easily as women in the same exact situation. AMEN!!! No form of abuse is acceptable. Ever. No victim of abuse is responsible for his/her abuser's actions. Ever. No one else gets to tell you how to feel/act/react to abuse. Ever.
Big (((hugs))) Chatter Fox
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Post by smilin61 on May 16, 2016 12:19:24 GMT -5
BTW- I sent the link for her fb page to my brother. Thank you for sharing this!
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 14:45:42 GMT -5
Finally! Something that simply nailed it for me! *huge sigh of relief* I needed to stumble on this today. ... Again, not to diminish women's difficulty in abusive relationships, but what I typically see is this. Woman abused? Advice is to leave. Man is abused? Advice is to man up. I think men should be given the same advice under the same circumstances. Somehow though, us men are expected to grin and bear it or feel as though we are weak and a failure as a man because we couldn't "keep her in line". I don't know about you, but I don't want a woman that needs to be reminded that it's not ok to be abusive. I feel I deserve a woman that simply treats me kind. ...because that's how I treat her. Sadly, most of us men in these emotionally abusive relationships buy into these societal double standards....me included. Finally, an article that calls out abusive women for being abusive. This shit is simply what it is ... abuse. ...and men should be able to feel justified in walking just as easily as women in the same exact situation. No diminishing taken, Chatter Fox. I'm really sorry you have to live with this. We all deserve to be treated with kindness, decency, and compassion, whether we are man or woman. I agree, men should not have to grin and bear this kind of treatment. They should get the same advice - leave! My brother, one of the few sensitive men that I know (I don't get out much and I am NOT married to a sensitive man) was involved in an abusive relationship with a woman who fit the description of borderline personality disorder. It was awful and for 4 years, he was too nice to leave her, too nice to say ENOUGH. I watched the heartache he went through, but he could not be told just to leave, he had to reach his own last straw. Thankfully, he did. The constant drama and cold shoulder, not to mention gaslighting and lying, was eating him alive. I have to say, I definitely don't think men should stand for this. And I think there are a lot of others like me - you have every right to leave and find someone who treats you the way you deserve. I would give anything to find a man who treated me with kindness and I would most definitely return it in spades. I have to say, from my perspective as a financially-dependent middle-aged woman, it looks much easier for a man to leave than it feels for me right now. I was just talking to a good friend IRL today and she has stayed beyond the point of no return with a husband who always treated her poorly. Sadly, it's too late for her to leave now due to finances and his state of health. She warns me of this all the time and says 'get out while you can!' Good luck. I hope you find someone who truly appreciates you and treats you the way you treat her. |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 14:49:43 GMT -5
Good article and yes abuse is abuse. My ex demonstrated 4,6,7,8,9&10. Nobody should have to live with abuse. And mine displays 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10. Men can play emotional bully too! |
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Post by legoman on May 16, 2016 18:59:58 GMT -5
I'm living 1 to 9. Its unfortunate but that's life.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 20:18:03 GMT -5
Because men are expected to be strong all the time and not show emotions or ask for help, being abused must be devastating and shaming in ways most people can't even imagine.
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Post by SweepyBear on May 16, 2016 20:22:42 GMT -5
I, for the life of me cannot see how these women/men actually sleep at night, it seriously beggars belief.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 23:59:01 GMT -5
The unrealistic expectation that men are not allowed to have emotions (except about sports, porn, etc) and especially not allowed to show those emotions, has got to go. If you're a naturally low-emotion man, keep on being you. But for men who would like to feel their emotions and express them, I hope the world is changing to accomodate letting all people live as humans and not expecting men to appear to be feelingless automatons.
I regard a man who shares and shows his feelings as valuable and that's something I will look for if I ever am not not-thinking about dating in the future.
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Post by JMX on May 17, 2016 7:13:05 GMT -5
Okay. So, I can see my husband checking off #s 1-7. Maybe not to the extent they are described but I would bet dollars to donuts he feels victimized. Now, he would never say, "when you do this it bothers me" because he won't talk. His inability to talk leaves me lashing out at times and I do get frustrated with the lack of help around the house.
I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to try and discuss an important issue and not get a simple acknowledgement or a word about his own opinion. A lot of times, he just walks away. It's not like I begin these conversations from an adversarial view point either. I am sincere in "let's work this out" or "here's a problem, how should we fix it" and I even have gone as far to offer it up and give him time to think through it and table the discussion. I have tried every which-way. He would still say I am emotionally abusive.
Stonewalling is the pits.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 7:58:56 GMT -5
Here's a mind picture for emotional bullying.
Think of a balance scale.
Yes equals- a feather.
NO equals- a brick.
You say "yes" - feather. Spouse says " " NO" - brick. Scale is unbalanced. Not even close! Years of conditioning have you at a disadvantage to even attempt communication or compromise with a bully, or my favorite " manipulative controller".
What a bully does to the scale. They say, " no" to your occasional "no" . They take your " no brick" and move it to the other side of the scale.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 8:32:06 GMT -5
Our struggle is that, in our society, women are "supposed" to be emotional and men are "supposed" to be able to handle it. It is hard for a man to admit to being emotionally abused and women that are the perpetrators know just where to draw the line so they can claim that they are a normal woman and we are simply weak. What starts to hapen is this odd covert and manipulative mind fuck . Again, not to diminish women's difficulty in abusive relationships, but what I typically see is this. Woman abused? Advice is to leave. Man is abused? Advice is to man up. I think men should be given the same advice under the same circumstances. Somehow though, us men are expected to grin and bear it or feel as though we are weak and a failure as a man because we couldn't "keep her in line". I don't know about you, but I don't want a woman that needs to be reminded that it's not ok to be abusive. I feel I deserve a woman that simply treats me kind. Adultery. A mans " get out of jail free card". People ask me, " do you think your wife is with someone else?" I say, ( with all honesty) wouldn't that be nice. It would sure make it easier! i have even more sympathy for others who have dealt with, adultery, drinking, gambling, physical abuse, etc.. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 9:47:38 GMT -5
No. 1) "If She doesn't get her way, there's hell to pay". ( put that on the back of my SM t-shirt!)
I am going to start quoting that, anytime I hear the lame excuse, "happy wife, happy life!"
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