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Post by unmatched on May 14, 2016 18:20:49 GMT -5
I can totally relate to this. We don't have the same control dynamic and my wife doesn't make me feel stupid. But I do find my reality gets warped when I am around her. I can go for a walk and think about stuff and be very clear in my mind, and then after 2 minutes of being back in the house with her I am seeing things from a completely different perspective. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 18:51:32 GMT -5
Rose, what you are describing is battered woman's syndrome. You are the rabbit, looking at a snake. Paralyzed. The brain shuts down, as a defense mechanism against pain, against fury that it knows would get you killed ... It's gotten to a very bad level with you. It's just good that you've come to the point where you can talk more freely about it [here] and that you have found a therapist who works with you and tries to help. In so many cases it ends with murder. Have you considered the possibility that [some of] your kids problems may be partly caused by your husband's behaviour towards you? I don't know your kids, so I have no idea if that's the case, but the thought occurs. E.G. We know for a fact that many kids who just shut down in a classroom situation come from severely abusive families - and severely abusive only begins to cover what goes on at your house. All I can say is I am so glad, hearing that you're beginning to be a bit more active about getting help. You've changed. I don't know. Looking back it was dysfunctional from the beginning. Isolating me from other women who would have been a "bad influence" on me. As soon as my kidz were diagnosed with autism, he got soooo much worse. I felt relieved. There was a name for my childrens behavior and it wasn't all my fault. and I have found out later, that autism and add/adhd run in his family. i didn't know that before hand. Daughter A shuts down because she gets her feelings hurt easily (she gets THAT from me - hypersensitive all the way) and I prefer that over throwing stuff. my other daughter, daughter K is mean and bossy like my mom was lol. And I've been told that my son acts just like his paternal uncle. so I can't say. I no longer freak out and have horrible fits of anger (bad childhood issues) but thats mostly because my husband said multiple times that the kidz were his and not mine and that he'd take them away from me. Its hard to tell sometimes what they do that is autism, whats just them and whats them just being a kid. it can be difficult. I am thankful for their autism because they don't understand EVERYTHING that goes on, not like I do. and it is a true mind f**k. no doubt about that. |
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 20:27:47 GMT -5
Ive read your stories for a long time and always wondered the same thing, how he can control you and wither your resolve in a few words. Are you like this in other areas of life? Because I have seen this, strong women who don't take any bullshit and cut arrogant men down to size for lunch, who just shrink into nothing with their husband. You could be talking about me here, too. It's so hard to explain how this happens. It starts with small moments like him gently mocking your political views as naive and builds with him always pointing out every flaw in your logic, or disagreeing with you while making you feel stupid for having a different opinion in the first place. It takes time, like water dripping, carrying away a tiny bit of your self confidence with each correction. I can remember agreeing with my husband on a particular issue, then having him change sides and make me feel foolish for having not thought it through thoroughly enough to realize his original stance was flawed. I can't tell you what it's like to feel confused when you walk away, wondering what you even think anymore. It would sometimes take overnight for me to realize that he was mind-fucking me. It took years for him to wear me down to the point that I didn't even try to disagree with him anymore (unless it was about the kids - then I could face him down). A few years ago, I had a biking accident and shattered my collarbone into over 30 pieces. It was a severe injury requiring emergency reconstructive surgery. Afterward, I was in a sling with instructions to not move the shoulder at all (long story why). The third day after the surgery, he somehow made me feel terrible for the house being a mess so I started washing dishes with my one arm until my teenage daughter caught me and ripped him to shreds. I realized then how beat down I had become that I couldn't face his censure even with an injury that should have excused me from housework for more than a few days. I know this doesn't fully explain it. I can't do any better with less verbiage than a novel, and in all honesty, I'm still figuring it out. I've only been out of the marital house since the end of March and the fog is still in the process of clearing. Actually this says a lot. They capitalize on your vulnerability as someone who is trusting them to love you, and then wear you down little by little. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 14, 2016 21:05:11 GMT -5
deleted No. You're not rude. I didn't feel stupid before marriage. I don't have genius level IQ but its slightly above average. It would probably be much higher if I was better at math and science lol. as an ASD mother, I value being nice and having good manners over being highly intelligent. @mountainrunner - omg, you get it. Its like putting a frog in boiling water and it'll get out. I'm the frog that was put in cool water and slowly boiled to death. and you don't realize the water's getting hot until its too late. when you're away from him you feel strong and as soon as he walks in the door, you freeze up. I describe it as a mental block. My counselor found out my husband has said things that threatened me physically and asked me if I'd ever hit back, like if I secretly became a tae kwon do master or something. I said probably not. In all of my fantasies, my husband is dead lol. My kidz are all in special programs to help them. And I have returned to belly dancing. And of course, my audience loves me. yeah ....... my husband judging me has nothing to do with him being a man. Trust me. If you're aman, listen to her problems, hold her or F**k her or both. Tell her its gonna be alright. unfortunately my idea of men doing his woman right is kind of unrealistic. or maybe it is. I don't know - I want it but I've never had it. You are not stupid so stop that.  he said in a non controlling way. I'm glad that @mountainrunner connects with you, you are NOT alone. Dont feel that way, please. Im not sure where you are but if you are in the USA , there are a lot of programs that you can look into. |
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Post by unmatched on May 15, 2016 0:47:10 GMT -5
Hi Rose, firstly @elle is completely right. Do NOT move to Florida with this man. You already feel powerless and a bit isolated and if you go there you will cut yourself off from all the support you do have and it will be a disaster for you.
Secondly, I am happy that you are feeling that you need to start standing up for yourself. But in your situation I honestly don't know how that is going to work. You can't argue with someone who is completely irrational. And you can't fight with someone who is stronger than you and doesn't have your best interests at heart. I am worried that if you start trying things might go badly for you. I obviously might be very wrong here, but based on everything you have posted the only way I can see for you to stand up for yourself is to find a way to take your children and leave.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 15, 2016 1:13:54 GMT -5
at home, I pick my battles carefully. I mostly walk on eggshells. If I stood up to him on every comment I'd lose all my energy.
he's very condescending so the arguments we do have, are emotionally taxing and exhausting. therefore, i really pick and choose what to fight for.
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Post by sand5280 on May 15, 2016 2:26:48 GMT -5
My husband wants us to move to Florida because there's a good religious community there. Its closer to Morocco and I don't want to be more isolated than I already am. He's saying religion but I'm seeing power and control. He won't wait until my grandparents are better.
I hope I am not bashing excessively, but this is quite infuriating to see good people treated this way. Especially after reading the @mountainrunner collar bone story, which really has me angry.
Also, I don't believe I know about grandparents, I must have missed something in previous posts, but it sounds like it is involved. First thing that comes to mind is they are being cared for. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 15, 2016 2:59:59 GMT -5
@sand my grandpa has Alzheimers, and my grandma is on kidney dialysis and has fibromyalgia. We already live an hour away from them and don't see them often. I don't want to be away from them. And I personally think this move is all about power and control.
I don't know how the education system is down there. Not a clue. I have a hard time because a lot people in my religious community, say they understand Autism but don't always. Their kidz will come up to me and ask if they're slow. My mother would a whooped me in all kinds of ways if I had said that to somebody when I was a kid.
And I'd only be allowed to befriend who my husband wanted. I know because thats what my husband and his friends did to me when we first got married but I was too naive to realize what he was doing.
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Post by wewbwb on May 15, 2016 5:17:41 GMT -5
I have no words of advice. Only words of support. We care for you and support you. Stay strong and let no take your happiness from you.
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 7:27:34 GMT -5
@sand my grandpa has Alzheimers, and my grandma is on kidney dialysis and has fibromyalgia. We already live an hour away from them and don't see them often. I don't want to be away from them. And I personally think this move is all about power and control. I don't know how the education system is down there. Not a clue. I have a hard time because a lot people in my religious community, say they understand Autism but don't always. Their kidz will come up to me and ask if they're slow. My mother would a whooped me in all kinds of ways if I had said that to somebody when I was a kid. And I'd only be allowed to befriend who my husband wanted. I know because thats what my husband and his friends did to me when we first got married but I was too naive to realize what he was doing. Is he moving you little by little closer to actually going to a Muslim country? Because if he does, that's it, you're lost for good. He'll have the right to mutilate you on the mere suspicion of infidelity. Maybe he is or isn't a terrorist, but without the hard won safeguards women enjoy in civilized Western nations, he will treat you a little better than plant life if you're lucky. And if this isn't politically correct to say, I don't give a flying fuck. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 15, 2016 8:04:00 GMT -5
@sand my grandpa has Alzheimers, and my grandma is on kidney dialysis and has fibromyalgia. We already live an hour away from them and don't see them often. I don't want to be away from them. And I personally think this move is all about power and control. I don't know how the education system is down there. Not a clue. I have a hard time because a lot people in my religious community, say they understand Autism but don't always. Their kidz will come up to me and ask if they're slow. My mother would a whooped me in all kinds of ways if I had said that to somebody when I was a kid. And I'd only be allowed to befriend who my husband wanted. I know because thats what my husband and his friends did to me when we first got married but I was too naive to realize what he was doing. Is he moving you little by little closer to actually going to a Muslim country? Because if he does, that's it, you're lost for good. He'll have the right to mutilate you on the mere suspicion of infidelity. Maybe he is or isn't a terrorist, but without the hard won safeguards women enjoy in civilized Western nations, he will treat you a little better than plant life if you're lucky. And if this isn't politically correct to say, I don't give a flying fuck. The only thing is if an escape plan is easier in FL than where she is. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on May 15, 2016 12:34:02 GMT -5
Does this happen to anyone else in their SM? You are not alone. Standing up for myself is my Achilles heel as well. I can completely and utterly empathize with you. Sadly, I feel as though people such as you and I are sought out by those that need to be in control. We somehow have a target on our backs. I'm still trying to figure out how to erase my target for the future. I seem to remember a while back that you had started therapy. Hopefully I'm not mixing your story up with someone else. If I'm not though, are you still going? Is it helping you to feel more able to handle conflict? |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 12:51:56 GMT -5
Chatter Fox, I agree with you, narcissists/abusers/sociopaths will target empaths, which it sounds like you are, I know I am, and darktippedrose too. For myself, I know I play a role in allowing the codependency. That does't mean it's our fault, but I know I am allowing it to happen. I need to figure out how to step out of that vicious circle in my own marriage. I'm taking baby steps. Ring came off the other day - in front of him. And I am sleeping separately, having claimed a space in the house for myself. Verbal and emotional abuse can be very subtle and if you live with a manipulator, OP, you might still need more help and validation from outside that YOU are not the crazy one - he is. You are not stupid, you are being abused. Once you step into that realization (and you may not be there yet and that's OK), I bet it will be a game-changer. Once your eyes are wide open and you are seeing the truth, then you can begin to make an exit plan. For now, circle your wagons so to speak, gather information, get validated, be heard and understood - wherever you can, even if only here. Therapy would be great if you can manage it. Where I am, there is a women's group that offers free services to divorcing and/or abused women. They offer counseling, legal help, and divorce classes. Check in your area for something like that. I'm really sorry you are being treated this way. Women ought to be revered yet sadly, I often feel like a second class citizen. I struggle too. Please know you are not alone.
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Post by skguy on May 15, 2016 14:53:35 GMT -5
@sand my grandpa has Alzheimers, and my grandma is on kidney dialysis and has fibromyalgia. We already live an hour away from them and don't see them often. I don't want to be away from them. And I personally think this move is all about power and control. I don't know how the education system is down there. Not a clue. I have a hard time because a lot people in my religious community, say they understand Autism but don't always. Their kidz will come up to me and ask if they're slow. My mother would a whooped me in all kinds of ways if I had said that to somebody when I was a kid. And I'd only be allowed to befriend who my husband wanted. I know because thats what my husband and his friends did to me when we first got married but I was too naive to realize what he was doing. I don't think most people understand autism. People are all over the spectrum, and most of the time you don't even know someone has it. Sometimes religious communities think they have all the answers and people end up not getting the help they need. Some school systems seem to have great support - while others don't even acknowledge it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 20:53:24 GMT -5
darktippedrose, I have to say, I worry for your safety. Do you have any place where you could go and take the kids if your H really got violent? It scares me hearing you describe him, so I can't even imagine how you must feel a lot of the time. Are there people in your locality who would notice if you didn't turn up one day, or if you had injuries?
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he said in a non controlling way. I'm glad that @mountainrunner connects with you, you are NOT alone. Dont feel that way, please. Im not sure where you are but if you are in the USA , there are a lot of programs that you can look into. 
