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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 11:10:06 GMT -5
Sorry, it's another thread by me. I can't help myself.
This past fall, into winter has brought on a "new" .... I don't know what it is... something... new normal?
Everything has SETTLED. I need to get used to this.
Does that make sense?
Prior to divorcing my ex, I went on a spiritual/physical/emotional journey -- found mindfulness, started a ton of "new and exciting" things like kayaking, hiking with others, going on solo treks, etc. I went on vacations with friends and on and on. While doing all that, I was thinking my marriage would somehow be "saved" but my husband didn't join me in living life, so we ended it.
That started a whole NEW heartbreaking, yet EXCITING, chapter.... new friends, new place to live, new dreams for my future, new men, yes, I dated A LOT. I even traveled thousands of miles to spend a weekend with someone. I took on more challanges like the big "Naked Dating" book club I hosted for 5 weeks with an attendance of 50-70 people each week, etc. Really HURLED myself out of the box and took chances. It was all VERY VERY Exciting.
In the midst of the "very exciting" was the emotions of divorce - it was a raw but real time. I made great friends that I am still friends with to this day during this time.
I felt VERY ALIVE during this period of my life.
I also experienced some real hurts and decided after one particular dysfunctional endeavor with a man to be strong, don't settle, give up on the unavailable men and just live my life for me. Then my now-husband came along.
During this time of he and I just getting together it was a VERY EXCITING time... are you seeing a theme here??
We were on the same page, there were no games, the sex was out of this world, (I still love our sex life, just being REAL -- it does not stay "out of this world" forever and if people say it does, they lie). It was exciting to drive hours to see him, spend the weekends with him, take time off work to be with him and vice versa. It is, of course exciting falling in love, right?
That excitement stayed up to a level 8, easily for me, well into moving together and getting married because it was all so unreal to me.
It wasn't until just this year, this fall to be exact, that the "excitement level" has gone woooooosh................. Yes, I had another thread somewhere touching on it, too the "blah" one.
Don't judge me, I am being honest here.
It's nothing he did and nothing I did, it's just reality of relationships.
It's coming off this 6 year HIGH I have been living on now SETTLING into reality and needing to learn to embrace and cherish contentment.
It's not that I am not happy. I AM HAPPY. Really, I am. I can't make that shit up anymore.
It's just.... "not exciting" anymore. Life, I mean.
And, I know it's not supposed to be exciting all the time, so I know I have to embrace this new chapter we are entering with peace love and joy in my heart. I am just trying to figure out how.
Does any of this make sense or do I now look like some adrenaline junkie? Or what? I am SO grateful for the relationship with my husband. I love our life, I love his family and embracing his grandkids as my own. We have plans for the future, etc. So I don't mean to sound ungrateful.
I think the last several years just shook me up SO MUCH, I kinda got used to chaos, craziness, real, raw, etc...
I don't know. Would appreciate thoughts without shaming me. If I could ask such a request. I know I will work through this, I always do, usually not long after spilling my heart out like this, infact.
Just kinda sharing.....
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 11:16:55 GMT -5
I will add, I found a woman's motorcycle group that kinda excites me. I will dip my toe.... interact. Having a sisterhood of fellow riders might supplement some of what I feel I am missing right now. They do have me amped up thinking about riding again in the spring... so, maybe just need to get through the grayness of winter.
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 11:21:46 GMT -5
I am scared to share this because I feel it makes me out to be a horrible person or something.
Things I know:
I love my husband, I am committed to him. I will not cheat on him.
I went through a lot in the past 6 years, there has to be some residual stuff attached to that.
I don't like routine. I am that type of person who does not like routine. I have to work with that in a healthy way.
Okay... I will stop now. Thanks for letting me get this out, it's appreciated.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 8, 2018 11:48:17 GMT -5
OK,.....that's enough cocaine for you...
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 12:19:26 GMT -5
OK,.....that's enough cocaine for you... I know. That's what I am saying. So am I the only one in this group who experienced some of this post-divorce? I suppose I don't have a grip on the whole "mindfulness" thing at all if I am feeling twitchy. I'll work on it. Again, I feel weird sharing this but I think it's important to share such real moments post-SM-Divorce and as one moves on because life never stops, our need to grow/learn never stops even when we are out of the SM that made us so unhappy. What made us so unhappy wasn't ALL due to an SM, either, in many cases. When the dust settles and you are in a life you created that you wanted for yourself, you are left with, well, yourself again --- there is always a need to grow/learn. I guess I am experiencing that now. A need to go within again a bit. I think that's all this is. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 8, 2018 12:19:33 GMT -5
“It's coming off this 6 year HIGH I have been living on now SETTLING into reality and needing to learn to embrace and cherish contentment.
“
I can relate as I did individually many exciting things as my marriage wound down. Then I got into a relationship and did exciting things with my new love. Went to Paris (he’d never travelled that far before) and did some other trips including a hot air balloon ride. Now I am feeling contented, have a nice sex life but also want the excitement of doing new things.
To that end, I’ve gotten involved individually in one new thing — painting — and that has boosted my mood.
I’m considering doing some new things with my guy to add to our mutual excitement. I’ve read that’s a great way to keep love’s flames burning high. Thinking of participating in an improv acting workshop together or canoeing together or maybe swimming with the manatees.... Or maybe I can get him to go parasailing with me....
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 12:22:19 GMT -5
“It's coming off this 6 year HIGH I have been living on now SETTLING into reality and needing to learn to embrace and cherish contentment. “ I can relate as I did individually many exciting things as my marriage wound down. Then I got into a relationship and did exciting things with my new love. Went to Paris (he’d never travelled that far before) and did some other trips including a hot air balloon ride. Now I am feeling contented, have a nice sex life but also want the excitement of doing new things. To that end, I’ve gotten involved individually in one new thing — painting — and that has boosted my mood. I’m considering doing some new things with my guy to add to our mutual excitement. I’ve read that’s a great way to keep love’s flames burning high. Thinking of participating in an improv acting workshop together or canoeing together or maybe swimming with the manatees.... Or maybe I can get him to go parasailing with me.... Thank you. You touched the heart of it all, really. It's nice to be heard. I appreciate it. I know that riding together was exciting for us - so I am looking forward to spring and getting on our bikes again. Even a trip to just get lunch was fun and definitely added to the sparks/flames between us. Good luck with your new endeavors! Swimming with manatees would be awesome.  |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 8, 2018 12:24:27 GMT -5
From businessinsider.com aug.15, 20-6, “couples who try new things together are happier.”
“Aron and another set of colleagues extended those findings in a 2000 study, in which dating and married couples completed either a boring task - walking back and forth - or an exciting one - walking and navigating obstacles while they were Velcroed together.
“The researchers measured couples' relationship satisfaction before and after they completed the task, and sure enough, couples who had completed the exciting task showed greater changes in how happy they were with each other.
This isn't to say that spending more time together is a panacea for a relationship rut. In fact, spending some time apart, with your own friends, can help you build a strong partnership.
But perhaps the greatest takeaway from this research is that feeling bored in a relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing. Instead, as The Wall Street Journal reported earlier this year, boredom can be a sign that you need to make a change - and when you do make that change, your relationship may be more satisfying than ever before.”
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 12:37:16 GMT -5
This isn't to say that spending more time together is a panacea for a relationship rut. In fact, spending some time apart, with your own friends, can help you build a strong partnership. Right. I was talking with him last week about this, how the thought of spending time apart from him up until just these last few months caused me to hyperventilate. I know, co-dependent much??? But, now, I can sense it is healthy and something we both need to do (some activities apart). The "security", eh.... scratch that word, I mean the TRUST is there on both of our ends. I trust him, I also trust MYSELF. I am going to plan a trip to see my mom soon when she does surgery without him because he does't have as much time off. I also see myself becoming friends with some of these biker women because they seem to be made from the same mold as me, a lot of them, from the conversations I have had so far. I will also plan a hike with my best friend. I want to do those things now where just a year ago, I couldn't fathom doing something without him. I guess I am just noticing how things are ebbing and flowing.... The boredom, that's always on me and not something I can blame a relationship partner. Some of my depression in my previous life was due to me not trying to counter this inner need I have to create, socialize, explore. Then when I woke up to life I started to live life more fully. It felt more exciting to me, more meaningful. I don't want to fall asleep and just try to mold myself into a life of going to work, coming home, going to work, coming home either. That's not healthy for either of us. He is one who is more okay with routine than I am. I think that's always the case with me in relationships. How to live as a couple, yet keep some of your "self" --- that's always a challenge. (please note, none of my discontentment is with our sex life and that is my whole point -- life goes on -- when sex isn't something you are "worried" about, other things pop up, there are other things to work on, etc...). If that makes sense. :/ |
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Post by WindSister on Jan 8, 2018 13:44:38 GMT -5
Just have to share, I feel loads better having gotten all this out. I also feel inspired. Thanks for having a safe place to "talk it out."
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 8, 2018 19:12:41 GMT -5
I can totally relate to what you are saying.
I do not like routine either. I need to have things in my life to look forward to in order to be happy. That includes getting together with my girlfriends, trips, going to the theater, eating at a new restaurant, a tv show coming on, cooking a new recipe, having time alone, etc.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 8, 2018 20:20:12 GMT -5
Sorry, it's another thread by me. I can't help myself. This past fall, into winter has brought on a "new" .... I don't know what it is... something... new normal? Everything has SETTLED. I need to get used to this. Does that make sense? Prior to divorcing my ex, I went on a spiritual/physical/emotional journey -- found mindfulness, started a ton of "new and exciting" things like kayaking, hiking with others, going on solo treks, etc. I went on vacations with friends and on and on. While doing all that, I was thinking my marriage would somehow be "saved" but my husband didn't join me in living life, so we ended it. That started a whole NEW heartbreaking, yet EXCITING, chapter.... new friends, new place to live, new dreams for my future, new men, yes, I dated A LOT. I even traveled thousands of miles to spend a weekend with someone. I took on more challanges like the big "Naked Dating" book club I hosted for 5 weeks with an attendance of 50-70 people each week, etc. Really HURLED myself out of the box and took chances. It was all VERY VERY Exciting. In the midst of the "very exciting" was the emotions of divorce - it was a raw but real time. I made great friends that I am still friends with to this day during this time. I felt VERY ALIVE during this period of my life. I also experienced some real hurts and decided after one particular dysfunctional endeavor with a man to be strong, don't settle, give up on the unavailable men and just live my life for me. Then my now-husband came along. During this time of he and I just getting together it was a VERY EXCITING time... are you seeing a theme here?? We were on the same page, there were no games, the sex was out of this world, (I still love our sex life, just being REAL -- it does not stay "out of this world" forever and if people say it does, they lie). It was exciting to drive hours to see him, spend the weekends with him, take time off work to be with him and vice versa. It is, of course exciting falling in love, right? That excitement stayed up to a level 8, easily for me, well into moving together and getting married because it was all so unreal to me. It wasn't until just this year, this fall to be exact, that the "excitement level" has gone woooooosh................. Yes, I had another thread somewhere touching on it, too the "blah" one. Don't judge me, I am being honest here. It's nothing he did and nothing I did, it's just reality of relationships. It's coming off this 6 year HIGH I have been living on now SETTLING into reality and needing to learn to embrace and cherish contentment. It's not that I am not happy. I AM HAPPY. Really, I am. I can't make that shit up anymore. It's just.... "not exciting" anymore. Life, I mean. And, I know it's not supposed to be exciting all the time, so I know I have to embrace this new chapter we are entering with peace love and joy in my heart. I am just trying to figure out how. Does any of this make sense or do I now look like some adrenaline junkie? Or what? I am SO grateful for the relationship with my husband. I love our life, I love his family and embracing his grandkids as my own. We have plans for the future, etc. So I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I think the last several years just shook me up SO MUCH, I kinda got used to chaos, craziness, real, raw, etc... I don't know. Would appreciate thoughts without shaming me. If I could ask such a request. I know I will work through this, I always do, usually not long after spilling my heart out like this, infact. Just kinda sharing..... Go for a motorcycle ride tonight. Now THAT should be exciting! |
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Post by baza on Jan 8, 2018 23:26:27 GMT -5
Jumbled thoughts on my part here Sister WindSister, might not make sense. In my ILIASM deal - which went for a long long time - there was drama a-plenty, it was all far too lively by my tastes and the rare moments of 'peace' were the high watermark, to be treasured and prolonged (at any cost). Unsurprisingly, this 'peace at all costs' insidiously became the norm. And several decades of the norm becomes entrenched. Now, jumping forward several years to 2010 when Ms enna and I started co-habitating, you might imagine that a period of adjustment would be required to adapt to the new environment. And you'd be right. I think it was Sister elkclan2 who wrote recently about 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' (the context being her new relationship compared to her ILIASM deal). I think this is actually pretty usual in a post ILIASM relationship. A fear (?) or feeling (born out of the ILIASM situation) that the new high watermark might come crashing down. Time helps. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2018 7:32:16 GMT -5
Awake, I would never shame you for being real. In fact, I really appreciate it and admire you for it. It’s too easy to think, if only I were out of my SM, life would be perfect, and that’s just not the case. Life will never be perfect, no matter what our circumstances. It will always be the yin and the yang, the dark/light, happy/sad dichotomy. I appreciate the reminder.
I’m with you on being easily bored and disliking routine. Although I have a skeleton routine for my life and habits, there’s a lot of room for creativity and flexibility. Otherwise, my habits are doomed. It took me years to learn this about myself. I used to try to have routines like I thought other folks had, you know those exercise routines, meal plans, rigid schedules for everything? I failed miserably every time. Now I’ve learned that, for example, I can do one gym for about 6 months, then I’m bored and it’s time for a new one. It might seem flaky to others, but I don’t care. Now I just move on to the next one. That’s just one example.
You’ve got lots of great tools and insight for switching things up. I know you’ll find your way through this. But I do very much appreciate the reminder that sometimes, no matter what, life is just ho-hum. From my perspective, at least you finally have a true friend and lover to share ho-hum with. In my SM, there’s really no sharing of anything, except kids and chores. It leaves us both adrift and the distance just grows...
Thanks again for your brave candor!
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Post by WindSister on Jan 9, 2018 9:18:58 GMT -5
Phew. Thanks, everyone. I was thinking I was going to come in here and delete my post and disappear forever because I must seem so flaky and actually a lot like my mother.... the restlessness. I don't blame my restlessness on others, though, I think that is the difference between her and I. Great thoughts and insights here. Thank you SO much! And, shamwow -- you forget, I live in a very snowy state. I AM DYING to go for a ride!!! lol I was looking at leather chaps and jackets last night. I told my husband I need chaps... he readily agreed and he wants some, too, to which got me excited because I already love his ass... put him in a pair of chaps and... Yowza!!! So -- I guess with one conversation about chaps and leather and some day dreaming of upcoming bike rides I feel more alive again. The motorcycle thing definitely keeps things exciting for us, I think. We also planked together last night (his chiro wants him to do it every day), I did it just to encourage him - turned into a type of competition that ended in laughter. Doing yoga myself every day is helping, too. I guess I feel silly for sharing my momentary feelings, it was not the end of the world. Also, yesterday was Monday, first long week of a few weeks of short work days, celebrations galore. I need to learn how to rest into dull days like that and not freak out that something is amiss with me or my life. Okay. Thanks again for letting this woman ramble on and on with her thoughts. |
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