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Post by neonspace on Dec 24, 2017 10:18:57 GMT -5
I have decided I am done with my marriage. The issue I am having is allowing myself to be comfortable with that decision. As I imagine another conversation with my spouse about divorce I try to anticipate her arguments. She is making efforts, but it is too late for me. And that is where I struggle, allowing myself to be done while she still tries. I tell myself that the fact that I am unhappy is enough of a reason and it is ok to have hit the point of not wanting to go back. I suppose I just have trouble believing myself.
Anyone else struggle with this? Or maybe there is a hard truth there that I am just not allowing myself to see?
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 24, 2017 10:35:22 GMT -5
If you are done you’d see a lawyer before talking to your wife. You’d know what the process entails and would have started it such as giving the lawyer a retainer. You would be proceeding with your plans not awaiting your wife’s approval or agreement. When you bring up divorce to her, you’d be stating a fact, not attempting to convince her or yourself. Eg: “I am divorcing you.” Not, “Do you think we should divorce?”
You would know that nothing she could do would change your mind.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 24, 2017 11:13:17 GMT -5
I did struggle with this, but not for an overly long time.
I asked H for some form of physical intimacy & he tried. He really did try, & it was awful. I didn’t convey that during the session. But within a few days, he brought it up as in, tonight let’s do that again & that was when I admitted that I should have been more careful about what I ask for because I might get it. I told him it had felt brotherly, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted but “more” was not what I wanted. We conducted our business civilly then & over the next few weeks, I saw a lawyer w/o H knowing. I prepped a letter stating the facts. The fact is that our divorce would be simple.
I didn’t hand the lawyer my retainer by that point yet, but after I gave H the news, on a Thursday night - I called same lawyer, paid retainer over the phone & had moved into guest room over that weekend. Within 6 weeks I had found my apt & moved out.
More details if there’s kids, but for mine, the only thing shared was a property (house & 6 acres).
North star Mom is right in that if you are DONE, you speak to lawyer first (retainer or not) before you inform the W. You inform firmly stating your plan, not debating the decision still.
It was at the point that I knew, no matter what, no matter how hard he would try or if magically tomorrow he could do everything I hoped - it would STILL be too little & too late - I knew I owed it to both of us to just ACT. And that’s what I did.
I wish you strength in your next moves.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 24, 2017 13:14:54 GMT -5
Here's a thought for you-based on my own experience-( others can correct me on this) Step 1- you have decided to end the marriage. Step 2- you tell your W (after consulting an attorney).
Here's where my surprise came in, and the same may happen to you, my W showed zero empathy and began moving money. That's all she was concerned about, and remains that way. That continues to confirm my decision, that I did the right thing. You could easily receive a similar confirmation of your choice.
Her "trying" may be just an act, and she may be just as "relieved" to end things.
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Post by twotimesone on Dec 24, 2017 22:38:58 GMT -5
I think it depends on the situation on if which one of the spouse wants the divorce more. For me, I want the normalcy of having married life and my W threatens me with divorce all the time. Maybe what's killing me, is trying to keep the family together at my expense is killing me and living happily after is just a BS fairy tale. I just wait until the day when my kids are out of the house and then get out of here.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 13:06:52 GMT -5
It's a process and doubt is part of it. Allow yourself time away, time alone -- that's where your strength will come from. You will get stronger and believe in yourself, and your decision more over time. I think. Bballgirl is throwing a loop in some of that theory by returning to her ex.  But, in my case, the more I removed myself from the relationship, the more sure of myself I was. Good luck to you! |
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Post by neonspace on Jan 7, 2018 15:41:53 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies and advice.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 7, 2018 15:54:10 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies and advice. Stay in touch with your new journey. Feel free to bring questions, hardships,and victories to the forum. Here's to New Beginnings and restoration!! |
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Post by Dan on Jan 11, 2018 21:39:08 GMT -5
I have decided I am done with my marriage. The issue I am having is allowing myself to be comfortable with that decision. As I imagine another conversation with my spouse about divorce I try to anticipate her arguments. She is making efforts, but it is too late for me. And that is where I struggle, allowing myself to be done while she still tries. I tell myself that the fact that I am unhappy is enough of a reason and it is ok to have hit the point of not wanting to go back. I suppose I just have trouble believing myself. Anyone else struggle with this? Or maybe there is a hard truth there that I am just not allowing myself to see? You describe my situation ALMOST EXACTLY. This was somewhat the motivation of my post " A Caring Person's Guide To Leaving A Marriage". The point being: caring people need to allow themselves to "be done". My struggle is less and less each day. The acceptance is growing, the "allowing" is growing.... and both are sweeping away the doubt and the struggle. |
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But, in my case, the more I removed myself from the relationship, the more sure of myself I was. Good luck to you!
