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Post by Dan on Jan 4, 2018 11:55:26 GMT -5
I've come to believe that the "refused spouse" in a sexless marriage tends to be a very caring, loyal, giving person. First this makes sense, because someone less caring/loyal probably divorced long time ago, and moved on. Second: that is my basic experience of the folks I've interacted with on this forum and its predecessor: we are -- generally speaking -- "good folk". So what is a caring person to do in the face of a sexless marriage that can't be resolved to a marriage that both members are willing to stick with? FWIW, here are the steps that seems to be the basic plan: A Caring Person's Guide To Leaving A Marriage
- Consider how you got to "sexless". Consider earnestly your own role in the situation.
- Figure out how to communicate your needs; attempt to communicate them; listen to the response.
- Figure out what you can do better to meet your partner's needs. Guide them in understanding/meeting yours.
- Consider outside advice/resources. (Therapy, books, websites, support groups, friends, family.)
- Try what you can think of.
- Repeat steps 2 through 5 for a few months. Or a few years, or a few decades.
- Begin to notice that you are running out of things to try. And/or: you keep re-trying certain actions, and the are still not working.
- Slowly admit to yourself that it's really not working. Your needs are not being met; you feel you are sacrificing your happiness to support a spouse/marriage that you are increasingly resentful of. And/or: frustrated, depressed, angry about.
- Finally get to the point where you realize that -- despite all that you hold true and dear -- a divorce might be the right way forward.
- Think about this for a few more months. Or years.
- Start to make actual plans for an exit. Find out the divorce laws in your area. See a lawyer or mediator.
- Get fed up enough that you have "The Talk™"... and initiate the divorce.
Anyone like to add any additional steps? Personally, I'm almost done with Step 10.
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Post by orangepeel on Jan 4, 2018 13:49:47 GMT -5
You are a wise man, Dan.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 4, 2018 14:22:54 GMT -5
Thanks Dan! Very well said and laid out. One teeny ,tiny, add on. No8. When you say," Your needs are not being met; you feel you are sacrificing your happiness to support a spouse/marriage that you are increasingly resentful of."
It's the word "happiness". I can't quote it right of the top of my head, but I do remember-something I have read, and/or heard several times-to the effect of- "if you are depending/placing all your happiness on someone else, you will never find/achieve it". Something like that. (Others word things so much better than I can) Then comes "happiness is fleeting" etc...I normally agree with most of those and think, " yeah....maybe happiness isn't the best way to put it".
So keep happiness, or maybe replace it with "joy"...maybe.
I would suggest adding ..." Your needs are not being met; you feel you are sacrificing your happiness,--you continue to be mentally abused, disrespected, and no longer trust your spouse--all to support a spouse/marriage that you are increasingly resentful of."
Those do happen and are all legitimate major factors to end a relationship,including a marriage.
Lastly comes "the example that you are setting for the good of the family." That was a MAJOR turning point for me.
Enjoyed your post. Thanks for putting it out there.
Here's to new beginnings to you in 2018!
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 4, 2018 14:23:15 GMT -5
"Finally get to the point where you realize that -- despite all that you hold true and dear -- a divorce might be the right way forward."
Yep. I am right there, holding my tongue, but thinking it.
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Post by WindSister on Jan 4, 2018 15:51:29 GMT -5
I am adding one.
Change your belief of what it means to "be caring/loving/compassionate."
As a divorced woman, I can tell you, it does NOT make you uncaring or unloving to choose divorce.
It was the best decision I personally made and I know my ex came out better for it, too.
Sure, some regret it. Everyone is different.
But it does not make a person uncaring to divorce.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 4, 2018 16:08:29 GMT -5
I don't know where it fits in your order, but I'd add:
"hire a hit man"
Perhaps I should be contributing to a different guide... 😉
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Post by shamwow on Jan 4, 2018 16:10:34 GMT -5
Thanks Dan! Very well said and laid out. One teeny ,tiny, add on. No8. When you say," Your needs are not being met; you feel you are sacrificing your happiness to support a spouse/marriage that you are increasingly resentful of." It's the word "happiness". I can't quote it right of the top of my head, but I do remember-something I have read, and/or heard several times-to the effect of- "if you are depending/placing all your happiness on someone else, you will never find/achieve it". Something like that. (Others word things so much better than I can) Then comes "happiness is fleeting" etc...I normally agree with most of those and think, " yeah....maybe happiness isn't the best way to put it". So keep happiness, or maybe replace it with "joy"...maybe. I would suggest adding ..."sacrificing your happiness,you continue to be mentally abused, disrespected, and no longer trust your spouse." Those do happen and are all legitimate major factors to end a relationship,including a marriage. Lastly comes "the example that you are setting for the good of the family." That was a MAJOR turning point for me. Enjoyed your post. Thanks for putting it out there. Here's to new beginnings to you in 2018! That was a big turning point for me too.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 4, 2018 19:08:43 GMT -5
In my Cliff’s Notes version of the checklist, I spent 2 weeks to 1 month on most of the steps (each of them, I mean). I truly concluded, with help from a counselor, that saving myself from further emotional dysfunction was priority one. At the same time, divorce was more akin to putting down a maimed animal than it was sacrificing a healthy dove. I agree that choosing divorce is NOT an uncaring move to make. I made all my moves as gently as possible & was met with his defense-mask in place (nearly a la PeeWee Herman: I meant to do that) I just severed the limb as quickly as possible & “left him” his children & grandkids. I do get to talk with the oldest stepdaughter & to see the middle one. Middle’s children know me some, but Ex provides daycare weekly for them - so I’m kind of just a family-friend when I visit, not a relative to the Little’s. I’m ok with it. I feel like he needs them more than I do. I’ve never been a good baby-person, tbh. I feel like all those aspects were only true in my divorce BECAUSE I am a caring person. His first wife gave me a decent model of “how to divorce without hard feelings” & I believe I even improved on it. Anyway- all good steps in your recipe, Dan. A good, concise summation.
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Post by brian on Jan 5, 2018 6:51:04 GMT -5
Personally, I am quickly transitioning from 10 to 11 right now.
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Post by h on Jan 5, 2018 7:30:30 GMT -5
I'm not moving through this in a very linear fashion. I think I am trying to convince myself of 7, 8, and 9 simultaneously while still doing 2-6. My path looks like I'm graphing polar functions...
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Post by Dan on Jan 5, 2018 10:03:36 GMT -5
I'm not moving through this in a very linear fashion. I think I am trying to convince myself of 7, 8, and 9 simultaneously while still doing 2-6. My path looks like I'm graphing polar functions... That's what happens when your main lobe doesn't get enough attention.
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Post by Dan on Jan 5, 2018 10:07:42 GMT -5
Change your belief of what it means to "be caring/loving/compassionate." As a divorced woman, I can tell you, it does NOT make you uncaring or unloving to choose divorce. ... But it does not make a person uncaring to divorce. I. LOVE. THIS. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ That is EXACTLY the thing us caring people need to hear! I'll consider a way to update my list/OP, and include that sentiment. Or maybe even: it deserves a thread of its own! I'll chime in if you start it.
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