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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 14, 2017 21:49:29 GMT -5
My daughters went to watch a school performance tonight. My W (our divorce will be final in another month) made all the plans to make it happen. I was not informed or included in any of it. Last minute my daughter asks me, "can you pick us up and take us home?" I said "sure no problem".
Well the truth....the truth is I had loads of problems with that. It felt like more mind games, more control issues more F#*@ with me again!
I would have liked to have set up the whole thing, go out to eat together first,taken them there sat alone, meet some people, see some old friends, then taken them home.
It could easily be nothing,and I should just, let it go. I can be the winner because I got to spend time being with my daughters in something they have rarely been allowed to do before. Go to a school event alone. While my W is going to the same old boring bible study( not that she really wants to go) but to go and take her 85 yr old daddy who lives with us. The intruder , the triangulation in our home.
Instead my mind has quiet a list of how used I feel, and that a harsh lesson is about to unfold soon. (hopefully for her) Mostly, that once this divorce is final I am not going to be picking up my W's slack, and constantly caving ,or coming to the rescue, or being used as free taxi service so she can do as she damn well pleases!
Saying NO when it means having wrongful guilt manipulated on me, is going to be very difficult, but necessary. I can imagine the reversing the victim mentality that my teens will be told, regularly. " I wanted to take you, you could have gone, BUT YOUR FATHER REFUSES TO COME GET YOU!
How much of that BS will my kids accept and how much will they see through it.
Tonight just seemed like a sample of how strong the parallel parenting is going to have to be.
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Post by Caris on Dec 15, 2017 0:43:16 GMT -5
I don’t know what to say, except I’m truly sorry for the pain you feel. Any advice I could give you feels inadequate, given that the whole divorce process is complex and dynamic, especially with kids, and one parent not cooperating with the other. I guess the best I can do right now is to say, as bad as it is right now, it can only get better, given enough time, so there is that. There is hope. It’s small consolation as you go through it, but as I have found myself, it is true.
We who have suffered these kind of marriages are hypersensitive. I know I was for a long time. We see slights were non were intended. We associate certain behavior in others, even gestures, with our spouse treating us badly. It affects some more than others, depending on the relationship, so I can’t say if it’s a red flag or much ado about nothing, because when you’re on the receiving end of “mind games,” life is complicated, and so is our psyche. It’s like a string of Christmas tree lights tangled up so bad, it’s hard to find the first one to unravel. It takes time, persistence, and work to untangle those knots, so that we can see the lights as they are meant to be. So we can sort the wheat from the chaff, or mind games from a genuine oversight. That’s what takes place in healing, but it all takes time.
Perhaps the best advice I can pass along to anyone are two principles that have become the foundation of living for me. 1). Don’t do anything to make it worse than it already is. 2) Do whatever you can to make it better than it is, even if it’s only a little better. That’s a start anyone can do.
Best wishes. Hang in there, and know that one day that this will be a memory only.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 15, 2017 5:03:08 GMT -5
Zen. Breathe.
You're almost there.
Once a custody schedule is established, it will be clearer who is expected to do what, and when. Not all roses, but less opportunity for interference.
Speaking of which, wasn't your first court date supposed to be earlier this week regarding her contempt and fraud?
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Post by shamwow on Dec 15, 2017 7:42:37 GMT -5
As I'm sure you're aware, this shit doesn't end when the judge gavels in your divorce decree. The subtle barbs and games continue. However, once it's on paper in black and white her ability to do real harm goes down.
I would suggest that you resign yourself to a certain amount of bullshit as long as you are both co-parenting. When that is done your dealings with her will be minimal.
My ex and I still butt heads but on some things like the kids school tag team. For example, my son hadn't been doing all his algebra homework. I'm on an email from the teacher stating that he hadnt turned it in. Mom didn't have a clue. I asked her if. She'd seen the email. She hadn't. Together we got our son on track. I could hace used it as an opportunity to lord it over her. Supermom isn't so super after all. But that wouldn't help our son.
Your kids are teens like mine. When your stbx pulls shit (and she will), if you always make what's best for the kids as your highest priority, you probably can't go wrong.
You're doing well, friend. Keep it up.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 15, 2017 8:41:40 GMT -5
Hang in there, you're in the home stretch.
After I was divorced I drew a clear line in the sand and my weekends with the kids I was 100% there for them but my weekends without the kids were his responsibility 100%. Explain that to the kids so they understand what your expectations are once the divorce is final. Until then try not to let her get to you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2017 8:58:54 GMT -5
Yeah, super mom isn't so super after all. Miss my way only, ca't even do a simple task like this alone? That's what goes through my mind! it could have been another , "NO, your mom -needs to put on her big girl panties- will bring you home, she needs to learn that when you make plans like these without permission or involving me than she needs to be able to carry through with them.
If she can't do such a simple task than why even consider co-parenting, or a 50/50 custody? For me it was another blatant example of her selfish-me only,golden uterus,on a pedestal, controller,manipulator attitude. Kids, family, husband? Whatever, irrelevant, me first! Just like all the phony excuses for no sex or intimacy.
lastly comes the crazy "intruder" grandpa that my W puts over the rest of the family. Even that is mostly all to fill her own selfish desires.
Thank you for your support! Yes , I'm doing well, I'm doing well by finally seeing this BS for what it is, and putting an end to much of it by getting divorced.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2017 9:23:54 GMT -5
Zen. Breathe. You're almost there. Once a custody schedule is established, it will be clearer who is expected to do what, and when. Not all roses, but less opportunity for interference. Speaking of which, wasn't your first court date supposed to be earlier this week regarding her contempt and fraud? That was three days ago. It was cancelled. Sigh....once again... my attorney tells me "It's going to be to expensive, after the cost of both attorneys travelling all the way to the court house and back, and all for one month of temp. relief, it's really not worth it. (spending thousands of dollars for me to get a few hundred) Hard to argue with that. That makes sense. However, I'm still left broke-and under her control- for the next month and a half while my W spends as much as she pleases! While I am saving us money! This 4th attorney is much more of a piranha than the last two. She tried to pull the card "income assessment, placement evaluation?-I can never remember the one word, whatever it's officially called?" That would have delayed the hearing...again!! So the two attorneys decided to drop the court hearing. My next question was," what about the contempt and fraud?. Wouldn't that be better having that decided "hopefully guilty" before going into the divorce hearing? My attorney said, " I want that to linger, I want that to be hanging over her head as we go into the divorce". I'm not an attorney, so I am hoping her experience and knowing the other attorney we are dealing with that she knows best. There's even more evidence in the last month that has come forward of hundreds of thousands of dollars that has been moved from one IRA account to another. More violation of standing orders, more contempt of court. Sadly people say, "the court system is so F#@% UP! She's going to get away with it and a the judge could care less, your going to get screwed!" It's a wait and see game. At least there's hope that some judges -this judge- doesn't ignore crap like this and it will be in my favor. Once I'm divorced I will easily need a month to get over the thoughts of not being happy with the outcome. Then comes the knowledge of how better off I will be, all things considered! |
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Post by twotimesone on Dec 15, 2017 9:42:48 GMT -5
That's why I chose to stay in my marriage because of the kids. The people who gets to hurt the most are the kids because one parent try to mindf*ck the kids. I will probably have to wait for at least for another 8.5 years until my youngest son goes to College when the kids can think rationally and make decisions for themselves.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2017 9:43:12 GMT -5
I don’t know what to say, except I’m truly sorry for the pain you feel. Any advice I could give you feels inadequate, given that the whole divorce process is complex and dynamic, especially with kids, and one parent not cooperating with the other. I guess the best I can do right now is to say, as bad as it is right now, it can only get better, given enough time, so there is that. There is hope. It’s small consolation as you go through it, but as I have found myself, it is true. We who have suffered these kind of marriages are hypersensitive. I know I was for a long time. We see slights were non were intended. We associate certain behavior in others, even gestures, with our spouse treating us badly. It affects some more than others, depending on the relationship, so I can’t say if it’s a red flag or much ado about nothing, because when you’re on the receiving end of “mind games,” life is complicated, and so is our psyche. It’s like a string of Christmas tree lights tangled up so bad, it’s hard to find the first one to unravel. It takes time, persistence, and work to untangle those knots, so that we can see the lights as they are meant to be. So we can sort the wheat from the chaff, or mind games from a genuine oversight. That’s what takes place in healing, but it all takes time. Perhaps the best advice I can pass along to anyone are two principles that have become the foundation of living for me. 1). Don’t do anything to make it worse than it already is. 2) Do whatever you can to make it better than it is, even if it’s only a little better. That’s a start anyone can do. Best wishes. Hang in there, and know that one day that this will be a memory only. I do find myself hypersensitive to these things, after realizing that my W litterly said, " I detached myself from you two years ago" then when I said " I am ending our relationship". So many things that I was trained to ignore, accept, look the other way, justify, because, we are married. That's my W for better or worse. Don't let little things bother you, don't keep score. Once the "chains of marriage" are removed, out comes the spotlight. I began to think " do I really put up with that? and why? I don't allow others to treat me that way. This is my wife, the one person I expect to treat me with respect. We all know how badly that turned out! I hope it's a stage, another learning process to go through, that I will have a more even balance as I continue on with my journey with other people. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 15, 2017 10:11:37 GMT -5
That's why I chose to stay in my marriage because of the kids. The people who gets to hurt the most are the kids because one parent try to mindf*ck the kids. I will probably have to wait for at least for another 8.5 years until my youngest son goes to College when the kids can think rationally and make decisions for themselves. I felt that way for an easy ten years or longer. Than as the kids became teenagers, I read more and more helpful information about boundaries, manipulative control, sexless marriages, narcissism, applied the Bible, and spoke with attorneys. That's when I discovered the already irreversible damage that is being done in raising my family in such an environment. That they too will grow up to be narcissistic like their mom, or far to passive like their dad. So better to put the brakes on it now and try for a better alternative and a healing process ,instead of continuing down a destructive path. It's not an easy path to see once you're on it. the outside world sees you as "a happy family" much of it is F'ed up mind games. My kids have lived a very sheltered life in there Home school environment. My daughters have been in the public school system for one and two years now. They are in there early teens. The other day I spoke with my 15 yr old about "what are you going to think if/when your mom comes home with a date?" Not to go into detail but my daughter amazed me with how much she already knows about ,asexual, grey-sexual, homosexual, lesbianism, bisexual, etc....you know, internet, fakebook, twitter, Skype, always having their phone in their hand. My daughter invited a friend over the other day for me to meet. She told me right away, "don't worry he's openly gay, and every one knows it, he has several nick names". Kids Know so much more than we did at that age. They are growing up much faster, already thinking quite rationally and making major life changing decisions for themselves with zero input from you. Just some "advice" for you about perhaps not waiting so long. I've read example after example of parents who are getting divorced and their teens backing them up and saying, " we saw all along how mistreated you where, why did you wait?" There is always the financial part too. Something to ask an attorney about. To each is own, choose your own path. |
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Post by baza on Dec 17, 2017 17:53:43 GMT -5
Just an observation Brother greatcoastal . Of everyone I know who has got divorced, 100% of them reckoned they got screwed in the divorce. This applies even when one is talking to people in the same divorce ! They both reckon they got dudded. Me ? Yep, I reckon I got dudded too, but most of that was by my own hand to get the thing done quick. (I was entitled to 50% of divisible assets, I settled for 39%) 8 years on, I don't give a fuck about that split. The upside(s) of getting out have far far far outweighed that temporary financial downside. Anyway, I think that irrespective of what your particular split turns out to be, I can all but guarantee you that you are initially going to think you were dudded. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2017 21:42:45 GMT -5
Just an observation Brother greatcoastal . Of everyone I know who has got divorced, 100% of them reckoned they got screwed in the divorce. This applies even when one is talking to people in the same divorce ! They both reckon they got dudded. Me ? Yep, I reckon I got dudded too, but most of that was by my own hand to get the thing done quick. (I was entitled to 50% of divisible assets, I settled for 39%) 8 years on, I don't give a fuck about that split. The upside(s) of getting out have far far far outweighed that temporary financial downside. Anyway, I think that irrespective of what your particular split turns out to be, I can all but guarantee you that you are initially going to think you were dudded. Thank you for this! I can already tell you that my thoughts about my divorce are a two sided coin. 1 side ) There are laws in the system that need reform. There are laws in other states that would have been in my favor, and others that would have been against me. I will tell others and warn others of pitfalls, and do my part online, voting, and educating others as time goes on. Other side) I hope to share with others the positive side of divorce. Ending a SM,and having a better life for the whole family. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 1, 2018 9:31:35 GMT -5
That's why I chose to stay in my marriage because of the kids. The people who gets to hurt the most are the kids because one parent try to mindf*ck the kids. I will probably have to wait for at least for another 8.5 years until my youngest son goes to College when the kids can think rationally and make decisions for themselves. As time goes by, I wish I would have left earlier. Not for me, but for the kids. It breaks my heart to say this, but with what my ex wife is teaching my daughter (17), she will be woefully unprepared for the world. And with just a year and a half of high school left there is very little time left to place my personal mark on her. Much is baked into the cake so to say. In watching how she treats boyfriends, I can see her as a refuser someday too with the same results as her mother. My son is only 13 so I have time to influence him and ensure he is raised right. If I had waited, I'd be regretting my ex's influence on TWO children. My original exit plan was 6 years. Once I decided it was in the kids and my interest it became 18 months. Once I told my ex that I was leaving, that time dropped to 6 months. IMHO that was about the right time frame for all involved (kids were told about 2 1/2 months out). |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 1, 2018 9:38:31 GMT -5
Just an observation Brother greatcoastal . Of everyone I know who has got divorced, 100% of them reckoned they got screwed in the divorce. This applies even when one is talking to people in the same divorce ! They both reckon they got dudded. Me ? Yep, I reckon I got dudded too, but most of that was by my own hand to get the thing done quick. (I was entitled to 50% of divisible assets, I settled for 39%) 8 years on, I don't give a fuck about that split. The upside(s) of getting out have far far far outweighed that temporary financial downside. Anyway, I think that irrespective of what your particular split turns out to be, I can all but guarantee you that you are initially going to think you were dudded. Make it 99.9 percent. I think that I got out pretty fair due to an amicable split as well as a set of big ass carrots / sticks I had to negotiate with. Custody? I do think I got a bit screwed there, but that wasn't by my ex, but by the court system. 50/50 is not assumed, but instead about 70/30 in the mom's favor. Even so, I did negotiate closer to 55/45 because we both agreed that the kids need both mom and dad. So I'll chalk myself up to the .1 percent who was satisfied with the outcome of my divorce. I think the ex would agree that neither of us screwed the other. This was, of course, keeping consistent with our marriage where neither of us screwed each other for years on end. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 1, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5
Just an observation Brother greatcoastal . Of everyone I know who has got divorced, 100% of them reckoned they got screwed in the divorce. This applies even when one is talking to people in the same divorce ! They both reckon they got dudded. Me ? Yep, I reckon I got dudded too, but most of that was by my own hand to get the thing done quick. (I was entitled to 50% of divisible assets, I settled for 39%) 8 years on, I don't give a fuck about that split. The upside(s) of getting out have far far far outweighed that temporary financial downside. Anyway, I think that irrespective of what your particular split turns out to be, I can all but guarantee you that you are initially going to think you were dudded. Make it 99.9 percent. I think that I got out pretty fair due to an amicable split as well as a set of big ass carrots / sticks I had to negotiate with. Custody? I do think I got a bit screwed there, but that wasn't by my ex, but by the court system. 50/50 is not assumed, but instead about 70/30 in the mom's favor. Even so, I did negotiate closer to 55/45 because we both agreed that the kids need both mom and dad. So I'll chalk myself up to the .1 percent who was satisfied with the outcome of my divorce. I think the ex would agree that neither of us screwed the other. This was, of course, keeping consistent with our marriage where neither of us screwed each other for years on end. You would have preferred to have been "screwing' her in the end, from the beginning! Just sayin'. |
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