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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 13, 2017 23:37:50 GMT -5
I made a friend this year. A man in my program (I'll call him J). He is newer to sobriety and a pretty intense person. We tried a friends-with-benefits arrangement for a while and it didn't work out that well. We stayed friends (without benefits) and that actually took a lot of pressure off and a lot of things went well over summer. We shared the eclipse together as friends. He knows I'd like to date. Once he asked about having sex again and I told him that, at that time, I don't want to just have sex with someone anymore. I would like to have sex inside a relationship instead. Later (last week) he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.
This is new to me. I realized I have never had a boyfriend. I used to be a "hook up girl" rather than "girlfriend material" - the only committed relationship I have really ever had was the one that resulted in marriage, ending in SM and divorce. Many expectations floated up that were not met. I couldn't speak my mind about what I felt was missing. But - we tried having sex last week. Because of some of his meds, it wasn't a great experiment. But - he got off. And - I didn't. And I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about it like I would type about it here. And that was awful.
Last night, I took him to the pole gym's Student Showcase. I've been to one before but I didn't do a very good job telling him about the "bar scene" that the venue is and what to expect, etc. It triggered his anxiety and he left at intermission, coming back to pick me up after the show. He does not kiss "correctly" (that is: the way that *I* like). And I dropped him off at his house and went home feeling eerily like a bad flashback to broken parts of my marriage. We had been WAY better at being friends than we have been at being girlfriend/boyfriend.
Tonight, I told him (over text) that I wanted to be done with dating him and I want to go back to being friends instead. I don't know if we can, really, but I enjoyed being his friend. And I have NOT enjoyed the things I'm learning about myself trying to be a girlfriend to him. He said OK to being friends again instead. I hope that we can. I'll have to wait and see how it goes.
It may be a mistake to have called it off so quickly. We've hung out off and on for 5 or 6 months. I only gave "dating him" a chance for about 8 days. But it did NOT feel right. It decidedly did not feel like I wanted it to - it felt like I was recreating the worst phases of my SM. And by not speaking out about it - that didn't make me mad at HIM; it made me upset with ME.
I am not as ready as I believed I was to be in an honest relationship with someone else. I think I need to just accept that. I am enough by myself for now. Some other time, I will find someone who WANTS me for being me. This felt like he was settling and I had already promised myself not to settle for someone who is settling. I want to be my mate's prize, a gem, a cherished beloved. I don't want to be "convenient" or easy to please or easy to take for granted. I want someone willing to work on winning my affection. Someone who would go to rather great lengths to impress and please and delight me.
It may be a mistake - but it's one I'm allowing myself to make. I did not ask enough questions before saying "yes" to this offer of exclusivity. I didn't realize that he is judgey about PDA. I didn't know that I would feel so afraid to ask him for a kiss, or so disappointed with the kiss I got. I don't want to stay with it, giving more chances for change - out of fear. I think I said yes out of desperation and out of fear of being alone.
I am not afraid to be alone. I do not, at this point, need a romance. Certainly - I do not need or want a sub-par romance.
I think there is a fair chance I'll be hit by a bus or die an untimely accidental death before I do find the kind of love relationship that I hope for. But honestly - I'm okay with that because there is at least equal odds that I will go through phase after phase of life and one of those phases will be my next great romance. And if not - I don't exactly care at this point.
My priorities are sobriety, school, and work. Sobriety, by my definition, includes lots of socializing with friends in the program. Most of the time, these three items fill my days more than I even want them to (and I long for some downtime). This is a lot already on my calendar. I'm okay with it. I will keep telling myself that until I believe it, too.
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Post by baza on Nov 14, 2017 0:19:10 GMT -5
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 14, 2017 0:59:48 GMT -5
Self awareness level 1000 - unlocked I humbly bask in the glow of your greatness. I made a friend this year. A man in my program (I'll call him J). He is newer to sobriety and a pretty intense person. We tried a friends-with-benefits arrangement for a while and it didn't work out that well. We stayed friends (without benefits) and that actually took a lot of pressure off and a lot of things went well over summer. We shared the eclipse together as friends. He knows I'd like to date. Once he asked about having sex again and I told him that, at that time, I don't want to just have sex with someone anymore. I would like to have sex inside a relationship instead. Later (last week) he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. This is new to me. I realized I have never had a boyfriend. I used to be a "hook up girl" rather than "girlfriend material" - the only committed relationship I have really ever had was the one that resulted in marriage, ending in SM and divorce. Many expectations floated up that were not met. I couldn't speak my mind about what I felt was missing. But - we tried having sex last week. Because of some of his meds, it wasn't a great experiment. But - he got off. And - I didn't. And I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about it like I would type about it here. And that was awful. Last night, I took him to the pole gym's Student Showcase. I've been to one before but I didn't do a very good job telling him about the "bar scene" that the venue is and what to expect, etc. It triggered his anxiety and he left at intermission, coming back to pick me up after the show. He does not kiss "correctly" (that is: the way that *I* like). And I dropped him off at his house and went home feeling eerily like a bad flashback to broken parts of my marriage. We had been WAY better at being friends than we have been at being girlfriend/boyfriend. Tonight, I told him (over text) that I wanted to be done with dating him and I want to go back to being friends instead. I don't know if we can, really, but I enjoyed being his friend. And I have NOT enjoyed the things I'm learning about myself trying to be a girlfriend to him. He said OK to being friends again instead. I hope that we can. I'll have to wait and see how it goes. It may be a mistake to have called it off so quickly. We've hung out off and on for 5 or 6 months. I only gave "dating him" a chance for about 8 days. But it did NOT feel right. It decidedly did not feel like I wanted it to - it felt like I was recreating the worst phases of my SM. And by not speaking out about it - that didn't make me mad at HIM; it made me upset with ME. I am not as ready as I believed I was to be in an honest relationship with someone else. I think I need to just accept that. I am enough by myself for now. Some other time, I will find someone who WANTS me for being me. This felt like he was settling and I had already promised myself not to settle for someone who is settling. I want to be my mate's prize, a gem, a cherished beloved. I don't want to be "convenient" or easy to please or easy to take for granted. I want someone willing to work on winning my affection. Someone who would go to rather great lengths to impress and please and delight me. It may be a mistake - but it's one I'm allowing myself to make. I did not ask enough questions before saying "yes" to this offer of exclusivity. I didn't realize that he is judgey about PDA. I didn't know that I would feel so afraid to ask him for a kiss, or so disappointed with the kiss I got. I don't want to stay with it, giving more chances for change - out of fear. I think I said yes out of desperation and out of fear of being alone. I am not afraid to be alone. I do not, at this point, need a romance. Certainly - I do not need or want a sub-par romance. I think there is a fair chance I'll be hit by a bus or die an untimely accidental death before I do find the kind of love relationship that I hope for. But honestly - I'm okay with that because there is at least equal odds that I will go through phase after phase of life and one of those phases will be my next great romance. And if not - I don't exactly care at this point. My priorities are sobriety, school, and work. Sobriety, by my definition, includes lots of socializing with friends in the program. Most of the time, these three items fill my days more than I even want them to (and I long for some downtime). This is a lot already on my calendar. I'm okay with it. I will keep telling myself that until I believe it, too. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 14, 2017 5:40:16 GMT -5
Don't beat yourself up too much about not being ready to be girlfriend material yet. After my then W moved out I thought I was ready to start back dating. I had been on POF for probably 3-4 months and had been planning things in my head. Turns out I was not ready. I was enamored with every woman that paid any attention to me and I gave way too much importance to simple PDA's or compliments than they deserved. I found myself wanting to fall in love after each date. I had to sit myself down and have a talk. It took a bit to reflection and real self analysis but like you I got my head back in the right place, sorting out a better definition of what I should really be seeking in a potential partner and in how I should be viewing or thinking when it comes to a relationship. Less surface stuff, more depth. It's been a real learning experience. And I have been surprised a couple times to learn some women don't kiss very well, or at least not the way I like to be kissed.
I think you at right in calling timeout on the couple thing. Your instincts told you it wasn't right. Instincts are seldom wrong. Trust them.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 14, 2017 8:06:55 GMT -5
@geekgoddess, thank you for sharing your honest introspection. Whether you are or are not ready to be girlfriend material can be debated but what is certain is that he is not boyfriend material for you. You did the right thing by calling off the GF/BF arrangement early. There is no value to maintaining a facade. He may be right for someone else but not for you.
I am reluctant to make comparisons but this story reminds me of one by @smartkat a while back. Similar scenario of a guy who was interested but was not interesting.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2017 8:09:34 GMT -5
It doesn’t sound like a mistake that you called it off quickly. It sounds like he wasn’t the right guy for you. Several things make me believe that. He is much less comfortable and mature in his sobriety. He may need you more as a sponsor kind of friend than a lover.
He may even be reaching out to you as a girlfriend instead of doing more work to solidify his own sobriety’s foundation.
The sex’s being bad was another red flag.
Transitioning from hook up girl to learning how to be a girlfriend and a girlfriend to a guy who is a good fit is a big step that will have learning lessons along the way. Celebrate that you have honored your own needs and learned something from this experience.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 14, 2017 8:28:46 GMT -5
Thanks, y’all. I really value your responses. I hope I didn’t lose a program friend but I really think friends is the best fit for the two of us.
I like: less surface stuff and more depth.
His surface is incredibly attractive. But I do think his depth is where we are a mismatch. I’m hopeful that I get more comfortable with my own expression of preferences. That was my main disappointment with myself - I can think a whole lot of self-respecting well-adjusted stuff - but I really need work on expressing those ideas.
Love you all - thanks for your excellent support here.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2017 8:49:07 GMT -5
Thanks, y’all. I really value your responses. I hope I didn’t lose a program friend but I really think friends is the best fit for the two of us. I like: less surface stuff and more depth. His surface is incredibly attractive. But I do think his depth is where we are a mismatch. I’m hopeful that I get more comfortable with my own expression of preferences. That was my main disappointment with myself - I can think a whole lot of self-respecting well-adjusted stuff - but I really need work on expressing those ideas. Love you all - thanks for your excellent support here. I'll take a wild stretch...Depth may be a problem for him. "J" may be a very surface guy, because he is a controller? Will always keep his problem hidden due to fear? Hides behind his alcohol? A controller is a master of projecting a surface image, of "having their act all together". It's the person who tries to have more of a deeper relationship that brings out the fear of removing the mask. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. You and I will both be dealing with less giving and more receiving. ( to thine own self be true) Setting boundaries and enforcing them. |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 14, 2017 9:12:30 GMT -5
Good for you for staying true to what you want for yourself!
So proud of you!!
Hugs
Xoxo
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Post by WindSister on Nov 14, 2017 10:08:04 GMT -5
Heck no not a mistake!! It did not feel right and you didn't try to force yourself to believe it was right.
Being ready for a relationship doesn't mean you try to morph yourself into something you are not. You aren't flawed just because this guy wasn't right for you. He just wasn't right for you and thankfully you recognized it.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2017 11:43:37 GMT -5
“I’m hopeful that I get more comfortable with my own expression of preferences. That was my main disappointment with myself - I can think a whole lot of self-respecting well-adjusted stuff - but I really need work on expressing those ideas.”
I think this has been and is a big issue for most of us and may have led to our getting into and/or staying in a sm. It also may be hard to know what our preferences are. I know I’d been so busy taking care of and recognizing others’ needs that I forgot to identify my own. I didn’t even know how to identity my needs and preferences.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 14, 2017 12:11:51 GMT -5
Thanks, y’all. I really value your responses. I hope I didn’t lose a program friend but I really think friends is the best fit for the two of us. I like: less surface stuff and more depth. His surface is incredibly attractive. But I do think his depth is where we are a mismatch. I’m hopeful that I get more comfortable with my own expression of preferences. That was my main disappointment with myself - I can think a whole lot of self-respecting well-adjusted stuff - but I really need work on expressing those ideas. Love you all - thanks for your excellent support here. I'll take a wild stretch...Depth may be a problem for him. "J" may be a very surface guy, because he is a controller? Will always keep his problem hidden due to fear? Hides behind his alcohol? A controller is a master of projecting a surface image, of "having their act all together". It's the person who tries to have more of a deeper relationship that brings out the fear of removing the mask. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. You and I will both be dealing with less giving and more receiving. ( to thine own self be true) Setting boundaries and enforcing them. Thanks, GC - he isn't really a controller. His surface being so attractive - I mean he physically is very sexy, fit, appealing to the eye. He is a broken person recovering from addiction (his was not only alcohol). He is selfish and self-centered - as I was when I got into AA, but I have had a lot more time to work on these traits than he has. He is still one of the best friends I have made - he was vulnerable with me (more so at the beginning, when his sobriety was that much more fragile). But he IS afraid of having his heart broken - - and we really can't relate authentically when fear is driving the bus. He and I just aren't compatible enough. We are compatible as friends. Even BEST friends across genders. But not as romantic partners. His idea of what it meant to be exclusive does not align with mine. I do hope that our friendship is not sacrificed because of this. My "dumping" him so quickly may be a blow to his ego that he takes hard - if he can't deal with me as a friend, well - I will be sad about that. But that's the way the cookie crumbles. Have to wait and see how that layer of things works out. I do have plenty of other friends and it's not the end of the world if he can't get over this part and still be my friend. But it would be sad. |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 14, 2017 13:04:40 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, I'd say you practiced something we all here need a lot more of: intolerance and decisiveness. Holding your needs in high regard and being intolerant of someone who doesn't make the grade, rather than dragging it out to see if you can lower your expectations to his level. It's a healthy thing.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 14, 2017 13:59:17 GMT -5
I made a friend this year. A man in my program (I'll call him J). He is newer to sobriety and a pretty intense person. We tried a friends-with-benefits arrangement for a while and it didn't work out that well. We stayed friends (without benefits) and that actually took a lot of pressure off and a lot of things went well over summer. We shared the eclipse together as friends. He knows I'd like to date. Once he asked about having sex again and I told him that, at that time, I don't want to just have sex with someone anymore. I would like to have sex inside a relationship instead. Later (last week) he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. This is new to me. I realized I have never had a boyfriend. I used to be a "hook up girl" rather than "girlfriend material" - the only committed relationship I have really ever had was the one that resulted in marriage, ending in SM and divorce. Many expectations floated up that were not met. I couldn't speak my mind about what I felt was missing. But - we tried having sex last week. Because of some of his meds, it wasn't a great experiment. But - he got off. And - I didn't. And I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about it like I would type about it here. And that was awful. Last night, I took him to the pole gym's Student Showcase. I've been to one before but I didn't do a very good job telling him about the "bar scene" that the venue is and what to expect, etc. It triggered his anxiety and he left at intermission, coming back to pick me up after the show. He does not kiss "correctly" (that is: the way that *I* like). And I dropped him off at his house and went home feeling eerily like a bad flashback to broken parts of my marriage. We had been WAY better at being friends than we have been at being girlfriend/boyfriend. Tonight, I told him (over text) that I wanted to be done with dating him and I want to go back to being friends instead. I don't know if we can, really, but I enjoyed being his friend. And I have NOT enjoyed the things I'm learning about myself trying to be a girlfriend to him. He said OK to being friends again instead. I hope that we can. I'll have to wait and see how it goes. It may be a mistake to have called it off so quickly. We've hung out off and on for 5 or 6 months. I only gave "dating him" a chance for about 8 days. But it did NOT feel right. It decidedly did not feel like I wanted it to - it felt like I was recreating the worst phases of my SM. And by not speaking out about it - that didn't make me mad at HIM; it made me upset with ME. I am not as ready as I believed I was to be in an honest relationship with someone else. I think I need to just accept that. I am enough by myself for now. Some other time, I will find someone who WANTS me for being me. This felt like he was settling and I had already promised myself not to settle for someone who is settling. I want to be my mate's prize, a gem, a cherished beloved. I don't want to be "convenient" or easy to please or easy to take for granted. I want someone willing to work on winning my affection. Someone who would go to rather great lengths to impress and please and delight me. It may be a mistake - but it's one I'm allowing myself to make. I did not ask enough questions before saying "yes" to this offer of exclusivity. I didn't realize that he is judgey about PDA. I didn't know that I would feel so afraid to ask him for a kiss, or so disappointed with the kiss I got. I don't want to stay with it, giving more chances for change - out of fear. I think I said yes out of desperation and out of fear of being alone. I am not afraid to be alone. I do not, at this point, need a romance. Certainly - I do not need or want a sub-par romance. I think there is a fair chance I'll be hit by a bus or die an untimely accidental death before I do find the kind of love relationship that I hope for. But honestly - I'm okay with that because there is at least equal odds that I will go through phase after phase of life and one of those phases will be my next great romance. And if not - I don't exactly care at this point. My priorities are sobriety, school, and work. Sobriety, by my definition, includes lots of socializing with friends in the program. Most of the time, these three items fill my days more than I even want them to (and I long for some downtime). This is a lot already on my calendar. I'm okay with it. I will keep telling myself that until I believe it, too. I don't know that you made a mistake. I think you have a good idea of what you want, and this wasn't it. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, it was probably a good experience since it gave you a better idea of what you like, don't like, and are ready / not ready for. It really doesn't sound like you "clicked" and it is probably for the best you cut things off sooner rather than later. One quibble I have, though. Did you really have to take him to a pole dancing performance? When ballofconfusion came to town in October, we went to a concert and they had an opening act (The Cherry Bombs) that did this kind of thing. I can say from a guy's perspective, being somewhere like that with your girlfriend is a VERY uncomfortable experience. Do you look? Do you make a show of NOT looking? Do you make "neutral" comments ("wow, they look fit")? I tried to bumble my way through watching the show and not dig myself too deep into a hole. I know it made BOC uncomfortable as hell too, although she was grateful to me for not digging myself into a hole. Add on top of that, the "bar scene" themed venue for someone working the steps? I probably would have had to step out too. I also know that if I felt so uncomfortable that I had to leave, BOC would have left with me too. Perhaps next time dinner and a movie 8 days into the boyfriend / girlfriend thing?  Not trying to be too harsh, big sis. Just giving my 2 cents. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 14, 2017 16:37:49 GMT -5
GeekGoddess , I'd say you practiced something we all here need a lot more of: intolerance and decisiveness. Holding your needs in high regard and being intolerant of someone who doesn't make the grade, rather than dragging it out to see if you can lower your expectations to his level. It's a healthy thing. Thank you, DC - I definitely benefit from reading the positive spin you put on this. Despite mild loneliness, I really do NOT want to lower my expectations. I keep reminding myself that out of my SM and single is still a major improvement - I do not want to recreate a relationship where I feel "not enough" for anyone. |
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