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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 26, 2017 5:49:56 GMT -5
So my mother is visiting for the first time since I started dating my new guy. She really likes him - maybe a little too much. She thinks he's quite good looking and admitted that she was a bit jealous when she first saw him.
So yesterday she said to me "It's almost like he's too good to be true. But maybe it will work out for you, you might get lucky. But just be aware these things don't always work out."
Yeah - No Shit - things don't always work out. But I can read the subtext - she thinks I'm not good looking enough for him (I'm quite overweight) and that I'm too messed up in the head for him.
I told him about this and he was very supportive. I am the happiest I've ever been with a man. He's amazing. He's hardly perfect, but he's great for me. We have an amazing sex life. We work well together. We are just relaxed and happy together. He is great with my son and when his kids are here, it's like the family life I've always dreamed of - boisterous, but good natured.
But somehow she's sowed a seed of doubt in my head. Which is what she wanted to do. No wonder I accepted less than I deserved.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 6:02:37 GMT -5
Your mother sounds like a "killjoy". keep your distance. That's what marriage is supposed to be . Leave your mother and father and cling to your spouse. I would not be surprised if your mother is a control freak.
What you think is what's important. Set boundaries with mom. "Mom if you are going to come over to my house and speak this way about my husband, you will be invited less and less. We can meet at a restaurant, and spend less and less time together, the choice is yours mom."
Help yourself by surrounding yourself with encouraging people.
If you think you are quite overweight and your husband loves you just the way you are, you can embrace it and/or ask him to help you loose the weight together, through changing your diet and exercise together. Do it for yourself and for the family.
The book Boundaries In Marriage has a good chapter about dealing with parents and relatives.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 6:16:11 GMT -5
You have to tell her that subject is off the table. If she raises it again, walk out of the room, call for the check, turn the car around, start packing her bags.
Time to set boundaries. You are an adult. It’s your life.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 26, 2017 8:05:18 GMT -5
elkclan2, my cab driver had an opinion too, not that his matters either. You found each other for reasons that are important only to you two. Nobody else needs to concur.
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 26, 2017 8:09:02 GMT -5
I live across an ocean from her - but when she visits, she does what she can to undermine and she can't stand for me to do 'better' than her. My boyfriend is nice looking (if you like his type) and works for a prestigious organisation and is smart and funny and part Jewish - all things my mother admires!!! He also has an easy relationship with my son and is so much nicer than my ex and a year younger than me. She's comparing him to her second husband and thinks I've done better - she can't stand that. I find it quite hard to set effective boundaries with her because she sneaks in these little things with a bit of plausible deniability. "I didn't mean it that way... you're too sensitive..." typical gaslighting stuff. She's been telling "amusing stories" that show me in a bad light, but if I were to complain... greatcoastal - he's my boyfriend, I'm still technically married to my former refuser. We've been dating for around 6 months, but when you know - you know. I know I'm overweight, signficantly, but he's always known me at this weight and desires me, so he's obviously fine with it. I want to lose weight to be a bit more mobile (I have some old injuries that weight aggravates) but I'll never be skinny and that's fine. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 8:24:52 GMT -5
Is life happier without mom's interference,and manipulation? Sounds like it. Make yourself less and less vulnerable by detaching yourself from her. That's what we did as a family to my MIL. When mom calls cut it short when she starts her digs, "gotta go mom the dogs barking". Fortunately you have caught on to her games,and realize that very little good comes from it. It is time to start taking and stop giving.
It is fine to never be skinny, and be curvy! It's highly attractive! "more to love" as I used to say. Care for yourself and your health. Remain as healthy as possible for yourself and your new future family.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 26, 2017 8:28:11 GMT -5
As a man that has dated ask sizes from tall and skinny to a little Italian meatball, size is just a number. Being who you are, comfortable and confident is all that matters. There is something to love about every size and shape.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 26, 2017 8:31:02 GMT -5
This isn't just a girl thing. My mom was very much like yours except that her denigrations included just about everything in the world and weren't always thinly veiled. I can remember as a child spontaneously doing chores or tasks I thought would please her. If she noticed she rarely found my efforts satisfactory. There was always more I could have done or done better.
And about the weight thing, I personally like a bit of meat on my woman.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 26, 2017 9:18:33 GMT -5
I live across an ocean from her - but when she visits, she does what she can to undermine and she can't stand for me to do 'better' than her. My boyfriend is nice looking (if you like his type) and works for a prestigious organisation and is smart and funny and part Jewish - all things my mother admires!!! He also has an easy relationship with my son and is so much nicer than my ex and a year younger than me. She's comparing him to her second husband and thinks I've done better - she can't stand that. I find it quite hard to set effective boundaries with her because she sneaks in these little things with a bit of plausible deniability. "I didn't mean it that way... you're too sensitive..." typical gaslighting stuff. She's been telling "amusing stories" that show me in a bad light, but if I were to complain... greatcoastal - he's my boyfriend, I'm still technically married to my former refuser. We've been dating for around 6 months, but when you know - you know. I know I'm overweight, signficantly, but he's always known me at this weight and desires me, so he's obviously fine with it. I want to lose weight to be a bit more mobile (I have some old injuries that weight aggravates) but I'll never be skinny and that's fine. It doesn't make it easier, but you know her ways and why she does what she does. You just keep being beautiful you and enjoying that life you are creating. Mom's comments can't touch what's real for you at this point. I am glad you found someone who makes you happy who you are enjoying sharing life with at the moment. I hope it continues on a great path.  |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 10:33:07 GMT -5
"I find it quite hard to set effective boundaries with her because she sneaks in these little things with a bit of plausible deniability. "I didn't mean it that way... you're too sensitive..." typical gaslighting stuff. She's been telling "amusing stories" that show me in a bad light, but if I were to complain... "
My mom was similar. I learned to calmly speak up or walk away when she said things that hurt me. "Ouch." "That hurts". Don't get into an argument about whether she meant to hurt you or whether you are just too sensitive. Bottom line is that if she hurts you, that's the end of your conversing with her at that time. You control whether the conversation will continue. You can choose to walk away. You can choose to limit your visits.
Just had a similar conversation with a friend who twice this year flew halfway around the world to see her caustic mother. Nothing my friend can do will make her mom treat her in a kind way. The sooner my friend realizes this, the sooner she will stop wasting her own limited money and vacation time to be with a mom who constantly puts her down. As is true of our refusers, we can't make someone love us the way we want.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 26, 2017 11:41:07 GMT -5
One thing to remember is that Mom is also a human being too.
From what I can hear, my mom doesn't like me dating now that I'm out. She knows I was celibate for 3 years before my divorce finalized. She might not truly understand what that's like, but she is aware of the fact. Maybe she'd like it more if I gave it more time. Maybe she'd like it less if I went the "script" route and bought a red convertible BMW and went through a string of young bimbos.
In the end, neither of these matter. In the end, I am given one life. I reached a point where life was almost not worth living in my marriage, so I left. What I do from here? Well, 20 years of following the script has taught me to be suspicious of what I "should" be doing. This doesn't mean it's time to go crazy. It does mean that for the first time in my life, I will be choosing for me, as unscripted as I can.
If my mom supports me, great! If she doesn't, I will not be unduly concerned. I'm pretty sure that my kids might not be THRILLED that I'm dating. But again, I'm not doing anything to hurt them. They still receive all the attention they need and deserve. But when I'm not with them, I will not sit around stoically and wait the "proper" amount of time before dating again. That "script" thinking is what got my virgin ass married to someone who I never should have been with in the first place and pretty much wasted half my life.
As long as I'm not actually hurting others? It's pretty simple now...
My life. My choice. My consequences. My happiness.
If Mom doesn't like it? That's kind of Mom's problem.
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 26, 2017 12:55:53 GMT -5
shamwow - well, I wasn't immediately ready to date when I came out of my sexless marriage but pretty soon thereafter - why wait?. As it happens my son wasn't happy when I told him I was seeing someone, he is only 10 and found it a bit unsettling. But my boyfriend is really, really great and they get on really well. Would he prefer it if his dad and I never split up - well, probably in his head he would. But i am happy now, loved and certainly loved in a way that I can see and feel. Because I live very far away, I didn't tell her I was dating when I did. I certainly didn't tell her I'd been having an affair for a few years and that I was continuing to see my affair partner while I was dating!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 26, 2017 13:24:08 GMT -5
Wow your mom is a piece of work. Mom's are supposed to be supportive and not jealous of their children's good fortune. I always say consider the source when someone says something and as far as your mother you can either let it go in one ear and out the other or call her out on not supporting you. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, as well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Enjoy your new found love!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 26, 2017 15:35:04 GMT -5
Thanks for bringing this up elkclan2 I've noticed this behaviour from a minority of people around me - both friends and colleagues - since my wife and I separated. I generally have the attitude that they are just irritating pricks but I've been pondering this kind of behaviour and wondering whether it's worth tackling or not. I have a female line manager who's approach is reminiscent of your mother's - gaslighting, little digs etc. She is overtly supportive but makes little covert disparaging remarks - subtly undermining but deniable comments. Like you, I find it difficult to set boundaries against this kind of behaviour. Of course, the people on this forum are perhaps better than most at appreciating that marriages have two faces - the private and the public - and understanding that the happy public face can be masking a lot of dysfunction. I've been mulling this point over and I think that there are some (this woman is an example) who are threatened by my/our status. We were in miserable marriages (well I was) and we got out; like you I am very happy - the happiest I've been in 25 years. I think that some people feel threatened by that. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 26, 2017 23:09:43 GMT -5
I expected this from my mom (snarky, veiled, but biting) but glad I didn’t get that response. Most of my young life, this was what my mom pulled. But she did change & still continues to grow & evolve (pretty cool for a 90 year old).
If she wants to visit again next year, have her get a hotel, not stay with you. Treat her like a pretty-honored guest known for her bad manners.
But don’t just suffer through. I like the “ouch” reply suggested.
My therapist loved to tell me there is no such thing as “too sensitive” there are just different levels of sensitivity.
Don’t let the seeds of doubt grow. She is jealous, plain & simple. Jealousy mostly comes from a fear of inadequacy. In her case, she may BE inadequate (not just afraid of it).
If possible, just ignore it like a temper tantrum barb from a child. Meaningless.
Her opinions are hers but they do not define reality, so don’t let them hold any weight.
As to your weight or size - Health is a good goal. But honestly you can be fit & healthy at almost any size.
If your man loves you & the body that carries you, then everyone else can shove their opinions.
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