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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 21, 2017 19:11:53 GMT -5
Hello all. A month ago, after a good few weeks and getting past our wedding anniversary, my husband’s behavior reverted back to normal (inattentive, combative, still not helping me with bills) and I began seeking out a divorce lawyer.
Then, on October 9th, one of the worst firestorms in California history hit my area. The morning the fires broke out, as I was sitting across the living room from him, crying and panicking, my husband ignored me to look at his iPad. He announced he was driving into town to retrieve something of his from his work, backed into my car (bought brand new earlier this year), said “Oops!” and left.
He wound up stuck in traffic for an hour and a half, during which time evacuations were announced in the next town over. I began hurriedly packing the car and woke up my son.
Thankfully, my husband made it home and we and our home made it, even we never had to evacuate. My entire family in the area - aside from my mom - either lost their home or I have no idea what happened to them. My son’s school also burned down.
I returned to work the next day in a mandatory evacuation area and my colleagues and I worked in generator power for about a week. I have asthma, and have had throat/coughing issues alll this week.
My husband finally, the day before yesterday, asked if I was OK and embraced me for the first time. I asked why he hadn’t comforted me the day of the fires; he says it’s because I didn’t ask.
The housing situation in this area is dire. What was a 99% occupancy rate has now turned into way more demand than supply. Unless I’m willing to move out of the area (my family and job are here) there’s nowhere to go. Additionally, I will need to spend my time, energy and focus over the next couple of years or so (I’m guessing) dealing with the fallout of most of my family becoming homeless, my son’s education being interrupted and my community being changed. In short, I can’t leave.
So I may as well make the best of it. The options of stay, cheat, leave have been reduced by one. I’ll just need to decide whether I choose Door #1 or Door #2.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2017 19:23:54 GMT -5
I am so very sorry to hear of what you are going through.
Something like the catastrophe you have been through can be a life changer. While right now you are choosing to stay, you also could view what happened as giving you every reason indeed a prime opportunity to start afresh.
Your husband's behavior tells you that if you stay, you will be doing the Lion's share of the work to rebuild and he will not be supportive or appreciative. Think about whether it would be worth it to use your losses as a reason to move and rebuild your life without him.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 21, 2017 19:29:21 GMT -5
I am so very sorry to hear of what you are going through. Something like the catastrophe you have been through can be a life changer. While right now you are choosing to stay, you also could view what happened as giving you every reason indeed a prime opportunity to start afresh. Your husband's behavior tells you that if you stay, you will be doing the Lion's share of the work to rebuild and he will not be supportive or appreciative. Think about whether it would be worth it to use your losses as a reason to move and rebuild your life without him. Thank you. What kept running through my head that Monday morning is that now I know for sure who gives a damn - and it was scary to realize how lonely that feeling was. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2017 19:33:21 GMT -5
Do you really want to stay and do the hard work of rebuilding your life while your husband is a dead weight? His reaction to the apopalyptic fire was selfish and a hinderence.
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Post by baza on Oct 21, 2017 19:39:49 GMT -5
In 1983 my best mates house went up in smoke (along with about 100 others) where he lived down the coast. There was significant loss of life and a huge disruption to many people.
As an added bonus, his marriage was collapsing at the same time.
Anyway, he took these circumstances of his` life turning to shit as an opportunity, figuring he didn't have a real lot to lose any more.
They took the insurance pay out in cash - half each, took half the other divisible assets each, and parted ways. There were two kids involved - about 4 and 6 at that time.
He chose to stay in the area, his missus moved to the city.
Given how their respective lives have moved on for them both subsequent to this calamitous event it could well be said that out of adversity, opportunity emerged.
Just to be absolutely clear, this is NOT to suggest in any way what you end up choosing to do.
I offer it up as an alternative viewpoint.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 21, 2017 20:02:10 GMT -5
What's stopping you from continuing the divorce and both of your living in the same house for a while? He can't be anymore of a dead weight.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 21, 2017 20:22:24 GMT -5
In 1983 my best mates house went up in smoke (along with about 100 others) where he lived down the coast. There was significant loss of life and a huge disruption to many people. As an added bonus, his marriage was collapsing at the same time. Anyway, he took these circumstances of his` life turning to shit as an opportunity, figuring he didn't have a real lot to lose any more. They took the insurance pay out in cash - half each, took half the other divisible assets each, and parted ways. There were two kids involved - about 4 and 6 at that time. He chose to stay in the area, his missus moved to the city. Given how their respective lives have moved on for them both subsequent to this calamitous event it could well be said that out of adversity, opportunity emerged. Just to be absolutely clear, this is NOT to suggest in any way what you end up choosing to do. I offer it up as an alternative viewpoint. Over 5,000 homes were lost here. Not ours though. We’re still struggling financially too. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 21, 2017 20:23:02 GMT -5
What's stopping you from continuing the divorce and both of your living in the same house for a while? He can't be anymore of a dead weight. He’d never cooperate with that. |
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 21, 2017 21:32:44 GMT -5
Maybe a blessing in disguise, now maybe the opportunity you need to get out of your comfort zone and strike it out by your lonesome. I'm no stranger to catastrophe, or moving. Get the divorce and move away, start over, with out the remnants of your old life, shared friends family pressures and all that jive. It sounds intimidating but looking at it from the outside it's the best option, go somewhere where your son can go to school, you don't have to deal with dad, and hopefully you choose somewhere where there's not the looming threat of fires.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 21, 2017 22:22:19 GMT -5
Maybe a blessing in disguise, now maybe the opportunity you need to get out of your comfort zone and strike it out by your lonesome. I'm no stranger to catastrophe, or moving. Get the divorce and move away, start over, with out the remnants of your old life, shared friends family pressures and all that jive. It sounds intimidating but looking at it from the outside it's the best option, go somewhere where your son can go to school, you don't have to deal with dad, and hopefully you choose somewhere where there's not the looming threat of fires. No looming threat of fires here anymore! We had firefighters from as far away as Australia! I have thought of moving out of the area... it would be my only option. I do own two homes here, so if my renter moved out of one, ever... |
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Post by workingonit on Oct 21, 2017 22:39:22 GMT -5
So sorry this is happening to you and everyone out there. I don't think you need to make a decision about years from now right now though. Focus for now but revisit your decision in 6 months or so. Let the dust settle on this tragic event.. just a thought.
Good luck!!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 21, 2017 22:45:10 GMT -5
I’m sorry you were so near the devastation. Grateful that your home & your mom’s were not flattened like so many others.
I think that if you choose to stay, this proof of his priorities can still be used as a new milestone. It can be a turning point for how you deal with him.
You need not remain a doormat. If you stay, I hope you will find ways to assert yourself, state your needs for daily life (outsourcing is an option) - I don’t mean about sex. You can’t change him, as we here know. But you could begin to relate to him on the level of reality. That reality being that “something” of his at the office was far more important to him than his own family. So much so that you see who he is - a selfish bastard, basically, completely unconcerned how his actions affect you or anyone else.
If you do stay, I hope you find ways to find fulfillment in your rebuilding. If you choose to go - same.
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Post by wom360 on Oct 22, 2017 0:44:05 GMT -5
When the lease is up, raise the rent to $10,000 per month.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88 
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 2:34:41 GMT -5
What kept running through my head that Monday morning is that now I know for sure who gives a damn - and it was scary to realize how lonely that feeling was. Hi mypaintbrushes, I am going through something similar - finally understanding how little my ex cares for me and what disrespect he has for me. It is heartbreaking and I have cried, panicked and felt hopeless. I am still only a couple of weeks in to the break up. I knew how bad things were but fear of losing my home and having a low income (I worked part time and was recently made redundant) kept me in the house. I told friends that if I had the money I would not be with my ex. Horrible in many ways. Anyway I had the choice removed as my ex told me to leave and I realised that actually he was right. It is rotten and destructive to be with someone who treats you like that. So I feel for you. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 22, 2017 7:00:24 GMT -5
Your husband's behavior tells you that if you stay, you will be doing the Lion's share of the work to rebuild and he will not be supportive or appreciative. Think about whether it would be worth it to use your losses as a reason to move and rebuild your life without him. My condolences also, on both counts. What disturbs me most is a person who, in times of crisis, think only of themselves. My wife and I call it: "The George Costanza Syndrome (Seinfeld)," where George pushes a bunch of little kids out of his way to flee a burning building. It's just not what a normal compassionate person does. People tend to stand together in times like that, sometimes risking life and limb to help strangers. If he's ignoring you, and combative, and deserts his wife and child to fend for themselves in a time of peril well, I just don't know what to say. Not a guy I would like to meet. Not a guy I would hire for any job. If he's serious about the relationship then he will work to make himself a better person. If not, you have those choices outlined above, and I'm so very sorry. As you work your work through this difficult decision, keep in mind what may happen next: your home invaded by homeless relatives. Do you get along with them, or will you and your son end up as strangers in your own home, with a partner that may not stand by your side? |
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