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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 22, 2017 22:34:19 GMT -5
So sorry this is happening to you and everyone out there. I don't think you need to make a decision about years from now right now though. Focus for now but revisit your decision in 6 months or so. Let the dust settle on this tragic event.. just a thought. Good luck!! Yeah, that may be the plan for now... |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 22, 2017 22:37:15 GMT -5
I’m sorry you were so near the devastation. Grateful that your home & your mom’s were not flattened like so many others. I think that if you choose to stay, this proof of his priorities can still be used as a new milestone. It can be a turning point for how you deal with him. You need not remain a doormat. If you stay, I hope you will find ways to assert yourself, state your needs for daily life (outsourcing is an option) - I don’t mean about sex. You can’t change him, as we here know. But you could begin to relate to him on the level of reality. That reality being that “something” of his at the office was far more important to him than his own family. So much so that you see who he is - a selfish bastard, basically, completely unconcerned how his actions affect you or anyone else. If you do stay, I hope you find ways to find fulfillment in your rebuilding. If you choose to go - same. Thank you. I do “outsource” my emotional needs to my friends. And I guess I will need to work on my communication skills - I was told he didn’t comfort me during the chaos that first morning because I didn’t specifically ask him to. (Good to know!) |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 22, 2017 22:38:14 GMT -5
When the lease is up, raise the rent to $10,000 per month. By then, that may be market rate! Lol! |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 22, 2017 22:40:37 GMT -5
What kept running through my head that Monday morning is that now I know for sure who gives a damn - and it was scary to realize how lonely that feeling was. Hi mypaintbrushes, I am going through something similar - finally understanding how little my ex cares for me and what disrespect he has for me. It is heartbreaking and I have cried, panicked and felt hopeless. I am still only a couple of weeks in to the break up. I knew how bad things were but fear of losing my home and having a low income (I worked part time and was recently made redundant) kept me in the house. I told friends that if I had the money I would not be with my ex. Horrible in many ways. Anyway I had the choice removed as my ex told me to leave and I realised that actually he was right. It is rotten and destructive to be with someone who treats you like that. So I feel for you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through! I am fortunate to have a good job, but I know anything and everything can be taken away at any time... I hope you find the peace and caring you deserve. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 22, 2017 22:43:48 GMT -5
Your husband's behavior tells you that if you stay, you will be doing the Lion's share of the work to rebuild and he will not be supportive or appreciative. Think about whether it would be worth it to use your losses as a reason to move and rebuild your life without him. My condolences also, on both counts. What disturbs me most is a person who, in times of crisis, think only of themselves. My wife and I call it: "The George Costanza Syndrome (Seinfeld)," where George pushes a bunch of little kids out of his way to flee a burning building. It's just not what a normal compassionate person does. People tend to stand together in times like that, sometimes risking life and limb to help strangers. If he's ignoring you, and combative, and deserts his wife and child to fend for themselves in a time of peril well, I just don't know what to say. Not a guy I would like to meet. Not a guy I would hire for any job. If he's serious about the relationship then he will work to make himself a better person. If not, you have those choices outlined above, and I'm so very sorry. As you work your work through this difficult decision, keep in mind what may happen next: your home invaded by homeless relatives. Do you get along with them, or will you and your son end up as strangers in your own home, with a partner that may not stand by your side? We did host one person for a few days who evacuated but whose home was ultimately OK. I have NO idea what happened to two of my siblings. We are from an alcoholic family though, so par for the course, I guess? I always thought in times of great peril, people would put their differences aside and pull together. I thought wrong. |
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88 
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 4:41:02 GMT -5
What disturbs me most is a person who, in times of crisis, think only of themselves. My wife and I call it: "The George Costanza Syndrome (Seinfeld)," where George pushes a bunch of little kids out of his way to flee a burning building. It's just not what a normal compassionate person does. People tend to stand together in times like that, sometimes risking life and limb to help strangers. That is what my ex does. He left a knife in our hand luggage when packing for a trip. Going through airport security it was picked up. He was standing at the counter while I was putting my shoes back on. He immediately said 'Its not mine. Its her's!' pointing at me at the same time as walking quickly away. He also lets doors slam in my face (and other people's) I put it down to his ASD but it was hard to live with. |
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 4:47:18 GMT -5
I am fortunate to have a good job, but I know anything and everything can be taken away at any time... I hope you find the peace and caring you deserve. Thank you. I also had a good job, but ill health meant that I went part time, and the absences caused by my ill health meant that I was first choice for redundancy. I know that is illegal, but employers have ways of making things go the way they want. I still have my qualifications, skills and experience and am working on developing my own tutoring business. I'll never make the kind of money I did in my last job but its better than most of the alternatives. It is also more flexible and easier on my health. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2017 6:19:29 GMT -5
"That is what my ex does. He left a knife in our hand luggage when packing for a trip. Going through airport security it was picked up. He was standing at the counter while I was putting my shoes back on. He immediately said 'Its not mine. Its her's!' pointing at me at the same time as walking quickly away. He also lets doors slam in my face (and other people's) I put it down to his ASD but it was hard to live with."
Hard to live with? I'm glad to see that since he is your ex, it was impossible to live with. Whether or not his behavior was due to asd, you did not need to stay and keep taking such treatment.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 7:20:12 GMT -5
Hard to live with? I'm glad to see that since he is your ex, it was impossible to live with. Whether or not his behavior was due to asd, you did not need to stay and keep taking such treatment. I was raised in an abusive family and have serious problems with trauma bonding. A trauma bond can make it hard to leave even the most abusive relationships. You may already know about trauma bonding but here are a couple of links in case you want to follow up. www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html A simple, brief introduction did-research.org/origin/d-attachment/traumatic_bonding.html More detailed and fully referenced. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2017 12:31:54 GMT -5
Mathdoll, have you gotten any therapeutic help to assist you in healing from your traumatic childhood?
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 14:19:16 GMT -5
I saw a therapist for several years and made progress but was then badly retraumatised a couple of years later and couldn't afford to go back to therapy. In the UK there is almost no help apart from crisis intervention unless you can pay privately.
I've been especially vulnerable because of situational factors and lost some of my hard won resilience. I am back on the way up I hope once current events have settled i.e. my Dad's funeral over and my move out completed.
Precious psychiatrists and therapists have said that I am a 'super coper' amd have incredible resilience. I hold onto that assessment even though I have some very bad periods.
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Post by baza on Oct 23, 2017 16:26:24 GMT -5
Back in the day Sister mathdoll , my counsellor said I was the "toughest in the head" out of her clientele. I was very pleased with this assessment at the time I must admit. Until she pointed out that this trait was NOT helping me make fully informed choices, and in fact was holding me in my sub-optimal situation. Big wake up call for me that was. My counselling then started to concentrate on trying to harness this "resilience" and steer it toward making choices in my longer term best interests, rather than just "enduring". It was a game changing shift in thinking for me. "Resilience" can be something of a two edged sword. It can work FOR you. It can also work AGAINST you if you aren't careful. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2017 6:41:29 GMT -5
"I saw a therapist for several years and made progress but was then badly retraumatised a couple of years later and couldn't afford to go back to therapy. In the UK there is almost no help apart from crisis intervention unless you can pay privately."
What about free self help grouos like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics? Those can be helpful even if your parents or spouse does not have a drinking problem.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 24, 2017 12:31:45 GMT -5
I saw a therapist for several years and made progress but was then badly retraumatised a couple of years later and couldn't afford to go back to therapy. In the UK there is almost no help apart from crisis intervention unless you can pay privately. I've been especially vulnerable because of situational factors and lost some of my hard won resilience. I am back on the way up I hope once current events have settled i.e. my Dad's funeral over and my move out completed. Precious psychiatrists and therapists have said that I am a 'super coper' amd have incredible resilience. I hold onto that assessment even though I have some very bad periods. I’ve been through trauma so many times in my life, it’s just part of my story now. I’m so sorry. Here in the US we have something called EAP - Employee Assistance Program. It’s a set number of appointments, free of charge, to employees whose companies pay into the program. Do you have anything like that there? Also, texting 741-741 connects you with a crisis counselor. Just two thoughts. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Oct 24, 2017 12:33:56 GMT -5
I realize the Crisis Text Line probably only works in the US. Maybe there’s something similar? The Good Samaritans are a UK-based organization, right?
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