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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 6, 2017 14:36:06 GMT -5
Through all of this pain of being in a sm, i have done a lot of soul searching. Dealing with this all on my own, it has forced me to really take a good look at my life and evaluate many other aspects. Somewhere in all of that i truly began to see how all of my closest relationships (im very introverted so basically just my mom and sister, and all of my past exes) have been with narcissists.
It truly has be thinking, am i doomed to forever be surrounded by these kinds of people... Could i be as well?
Do you think that we choose people like our parents? When i found my husband he was everything i wanted... there were no signs of this selfish person i am married to today.... is it really just irony...
Sorry im just so lost in my thoughts and babbling.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2017 14:47:20 GMT -5
I believe that this is a definite possibility. My refuser was/is almost exactly like my dad. Short fuse, very aggressive, selfish, demanding, and judgmental. I did not realize this until years after we were married.
I can say that looking back, there were definitely clues to this that I totally ignored or discounted. I feel like I am able to spot them very quickly now. There may be clues that you missed that now you can see. Maybe you should really consider that?
BTW, is that really you? You are quite pretty. I am not trying to be flirtatious, but it just constantly amazes me how attractive some refused spouses are.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 16:22:17 GMT -5
Phoenix, yes I believe we tend to replicate in our choice of friends and lovers the kind of relationships we had with our parents. We do this totally unconsciously until if we are lucky, we realize our pattern of choosing the wrong people.
Your being aware now is a huge step! Journaling or therapy could help you learn how to make better choices in the people you choose to have in your life.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 6, 2017 16:25:11 GMT -5
Hi,
You're not babbling, it's a very good point. It's certainly one that I've considered.
Women supposedly marry men like their fathers and men supposedly marry women like their mothers. I'm not convinced of this. We may find ourselves drawn towards a particular 'type' but if we invest time in becoming more aware of these leanings in ourselves surely we can compensate for them?
After separating from my wife I've been on a couple of dates with a woman who I know through work. In asking her out I was consciously choosing someone quite the opposite of my wife; I'm beginning to get to know her and I find myself challenged by her being so different but actually it's fun to be with her. Who knows how it will pan out but I'm starting to think it might be worth spending the time to find out.
Be positive - breaking these cycles might be easier than you think.
All the best
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 6, 2017 17:05:10 GMT -5
Through all of this pain of being in a sm, i have done a lot of soul searching. Dealing with this all on my own, it has forced me to really take a good look at my life and evaluate many other aspects. Somewhere in all of that i truly began to see how all of my closest relationships (im very introverted so basically just my mom and sister, and all of my past exes) have been with narcissists. It truly has be thinking, am i doomed to forever be surrounded by these kinds of people... Could i be as well? Do you think that we choose people like our parents? When i found my husband he was everything i wanted... there were no signs of this selfish person i am married to today.... is it really just irony... Sorry im just so lost in my thoughts and babbling. When I started dating after my divorce, I would always end up in the same place with a similar type of person. I came to the conclusion that doing the same thing, the same way will never end with a different result. Find a different kind of person than you would normally date. Set boundaries and deal breakers and don't be afraid to walk away if you see something you don't like. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 6, 2017 17:07:38 GMT -5
It truly has be thinking, am i doomed to forever be surrounded by these kinds of people... Could i be as well? Do you think that we choose people like our parents? Familiarity is comfortable, so we tend to follow patterns. Also, we have learned / been conditioned to tolerate and manage around certain bad behaviors, so we don't see them as easily for what they are - we see them as something we've got experience dealing with. Are you doomed? No. Recognizing you have an affinity or pattern is the first step in being more conscious about it and correcting for it. If you didn't have that self-awareness and determination to change... then, yeah, your fate would be predictable. You do have a choice. |
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Post by neonspace on Oct 6, 2017 17:24:55 GMT -5
You mentioned irony. From time to time, when I'm driving and contemplating my life and what a mess it is, I'll just start laughing. Sometimes things are just so tragic they are comical.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 6, 2017 20:40:10 GMT -5
My wife, other than race and religion, is nothing like my mother. My mother is not someone that one might have an Oedipus complex over. My mistakes were made for entirely different reasons.
The old standby steps for succeeding are 1) analyze, 2) adapt, and 3) overcome. The future in unforeseen. I don't believe in predestination. We can all learn from our mistakes and make better choices as a result.
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 6, 2017 21:01:40 GMT -5
You mentioned irony. From time to time, when I'm driving and contemplating my life and what a mess it is, I'll just start laughing. Sometimes things are just so tragic they are comical. We must laugh to keep from crying... or just completely losing it lol. |
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 6, 2017 21:05:40 GMT -5
Through all of this pain of being in a sm, i have done a lot of soul searching. Dealing with this all on my own, it has forced me to really take a good look at my life and evaluate many other aspects. Somewhere in all of that i truly began to see how all of my closest relationships (im very introverted so basically just my mom and sister, and all of my past exes) have been with narcissists. It truly has be thinking, am i doomed to forever be surrounded by these kinds of people... Could i be as well? Do you think that we choose people like our parents? When i found my husband he was everything i wanted... there were no signs of this selfish person i am married to today.... is it really just irony... Sorry im just so lost in my thoughts and babbling. When I started dating after my divorce, I would always end up in the same place with a similar type of person. I came to the conclusion that doing the same thing, the same way will never end with a different result. Find a different kind of person than you would normally date. Set boundaries and deal breakers and don't be afraid to walk away if you see something you don't like. The real kicker of it all is that when i met him i thought that was exactly what i was doing. There was passion, understanding, patience and so much love. I couls talk to this man about everything and i was sure he was everything i had been waiting for. After we got pregnant most of this changed. I dont know where it went wrong.... its funny because i remember thinking god will this dude stop touching me so much.... funny i would give anything to get that back now. |
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Post by obobfla on Oct 6, 2017 21:10:00 GMT -5
@pheonix, I think you have made the first step by noticing a pattern in your relationships. I tend to go after women who are definitely not normal. The crazy troubled ones are the ones I chase. It’s no wonder that my wife has a major mental illness. If you think she is bad, you should see the woman I dated before her.
Why? I guess I relate to them, considering I am far from normal and frequently depressed. Plus, I relish the white knight role - at least until the dragon starts breathing fire on my armor. If I ever have a next relationship, I will look for a woman who is fun and not just sexually fun. Heck, a woman would need a good sense of humor to put up with me!
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2017 21:35:58 GMT -5
It's possible you were just duped. In my case sex was fine, my drive was accepted, and fantasies were discussed. It was literally a light switch after marriage.
Do they play along just to have their family? But how do they expect to keep that family by ignoring our needs?
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 6, 2017 21:52:51 GMT -5
I believe that this is a definite possibility. My refuser was/is almost exactly like my dad. Short fuse, very aggressive, selfish, demanding, and judgmental. I did not realize this until years after we were married. I can say that looking back, there were definitely clues to this that I totally ignored or discounted. I feel like I am able to spot them very quickly now. There may be clues that you missed that now you can see. Maybe you should really consider that? BTW, is that really you? You are quite pretty. I am not trying to be flirtatious, but it just constantly amazes me how attractive some refused spouses are. Gosh if only i had a crystal ball back then lol. And yes thats my real picture... i bartend and it is literally my job to have sex appeal and still its like he sees right through me. |
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 6, 2017 21:53:50 GMT -5
Hi, You're not babbling, it's a very good point. It's certainly one that I've considered. Women supposedly marry men like their fathers and men supposedly marry women like their mothers. I'm not convinced of this. We may find ourselves drawn towards a particular 'type' but if we invest time in becoming more aware of these leanings in ourselves surely we can compensate for them? After separating from my wife I've been on a couple of dates with a woman who I know through work. In asking her out I was consciously choosing someone quite the opposite of my wife; I'm beginning to get to know her and I find myself challenged by her being so different but actually it's fun to be with her. Who knows how it will pan out but I'm starting to think it might be worth spending the time to find out. Be positive - breaking these cycles might be easier than you think. All the best I grew up without a father so i really wouldnt know how similar he is to him. However he has a very hard time saying sorry, if at all... and you camt have a deep meaningful conversation with him anymore... something i find in my mother also. I guess it could just be a coincidence... more people seem to be selfish and closed off than not these days. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2017 21:58:12 GMT -5
It's possible you were just duped. In my case sex was fine, my drive was accepted, and fantasies were discussed. It was literally a light switch after marriage. Do they play along just to have their family? But how do they expect to keep that family by ignoring our needs? Amen!! One of the reasons I like the term " manipulative controller" when talking about narcissism. Meaning you (and myself) where fooled, manipulated, and had our kind, giving, help others nature taken advantage of. Not knowing if you can relate I will speak for myself, briefly. Being raised Catholic,and later becoming a Christian I am very big on the idea of "love is the greatest commitment to the good of another person". However there are different types of Love. (all for another discussion) this can easily lead to becoming a co-dependent type person. Exactly what a narcissist is looking for. They will drain you dry for years even decades! There is a book that I carry around with me everywhere as I am going through my divorce. I would highly recommend it for you. I can't get enough of it! I read her Facebook postings all the time too! www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=say+goodbye+to+crazy&index=digital-text&tag=geminipcstand-20&ref=pd_sl_3jawcmc333_bwww.facebook.com/Shrink4Men/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED&fref=nf |
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