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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 22:23:51 GMT -5
One also can as a result of childhood experiences seek partners the opposite of one's parents and then end up in a marriage with a different type of dysfunction. My father had an explosive temper and threatened our lives. He also blatantly cheated on my mom. My husband of 34 years was unflapoable. He also had little obvious emotional response to things like my serious depression and one of our kids getting hooked on drugs. He was uncomfortable with talking about feelings and also was a refuser.
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Post by baza on Oct 7, 2017 0:12:49 GMT -5
Personally, I believe that ones environment when growing up plays a large role in the sort of adult relationships we get in to as adults.
As a side-bar to this - I think one needs to therefore severely test the advisability of adopting a position of "staying for the kids". You might not be doing the kids any great favour by keeping them exposed to an ILIASM environment.
*You* may well have ended up in a sub-optimal relationship because of what your parents modelled for you.
Do you really want to run the risk of repeating the modelling for your kids for them to pay the price in their adult life ?
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 7, 2017 1:31:51 GMT -5
My marriage was arranged. If I could do it again, I'd have a longer engagement period. I would probably wait longer before considering marriage.
I would probably start thinking it was fishy that I wasn't allowed to talk to his mom or his ex-wife.
My husband has some things in common with my mom. If he was like my step-dad, he probably would have stalked me and annoyed me until i gave in, haha
both were controlling
had a secretive mean streak
abandoned me a lot
didn't feel guilty about it
racist
among other things.
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Post by M2G on Oct 7, 2017 8:34:33 GMT -5
My marriage was arranged. If I could do it again, I'd have a longer engagement period. I would probably wait longer before considering marriage. I would probably start thinking it was fishy that I wasn't allowed to talk to his mom or his ex-wife. My husband has some things in common with my mom. If he was like my step-dad, he probably would have stalked me and annoyed me until i gave in, haha both were controlling had a secretive mean streak abandoned me a lot didn't feel guilty about it racist among other things. ..Just add "violent" and you're getting closer to the way my wife and I grew up - very sorry to hear that, and same goes to you, Phoenix25. If my wife and I hadn't gotten together at ages 15 & 16, who knows where we would ended up, or who we ended up with, or what we would ultimately ended up like. We raised each other, and that's why the bond is still so strong in spite of the reason I'm here on this board now. Narcissists are poison to everyone around them: family, friends, coworkers and pets (yes I said PETS). Everyone in the destructive narcissist's life, in their view, are extensions of the narcissist: just things for them to use. Tools, to feed and fortress their grandiosity. Any time their "tools" stray from the mold set by the destructive narcissist - watch out for the incoming storm. They have no sympathy, they have no empathy. They have no respect for the feelings of others and probably don't ever consider that others even have feelings. You have to understand, that the destructive narcissist believes that everyone is just like them and that life is a battle with everyone that may, in some way, outshine them in even the smallest of ways. They will criticize, sabotage, berate, withhold affection, withhold praise, scratch and bite and claw at anything that's perceived even a remote threat to their own twisted sense of self. Most importantly, you will never be able to change them, because they don't believe there is anything wrong with them. Many (if not most/all) of them don't even realize the damage they do (that would be more of a sociopath/psychopath, I think). ..However, don't believe for a second that they care about you. They do what they do, because they are what they are, and you are their tool - nothing more, nothing less. They can seem the nicest people in the room, and can mask their true personality for a time (especially in public places or when meeting new people), but when familiarity sets in, so will the abuse begin. Unless your NPD recognizes this in his/her self, and by his/her self, and takes real steps to do something about it, I would advise that you run -as far and as fast as you can (especially if the abuse becomes physical). Our current status with all 4 of our parents: 2 dead (  yay! and I make no apologies for that), 2 we refuse to ever contact again, or accept any contact from, again. If you MUST remain in contact with these people I would strongly advise you to read this, then read it some more: outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chillI'm so very sorry, and I wish you well. It's NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2017 17:45:19 GMT -5
during the 13 years my parents were married I learned a few things:
DONT BE LIKE THE PARENTS!!
dont be like dad
dont marry a girl like mom
dont have a marriage like mom and dad.
I find it amazing how many people duplicate the dysfunctional marriage that their parents had.....fuck!!
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 11, 2017 0:29:37 GMT -5
I'm not really like my parents relationship.
I'm married, their not.
I don't drink or do drugs. they did. NO gambling either
they weren't very religious, I am. but no affect what so ever on marital impact lol
Theres cultural differences in both our marriages
i see more similarities in my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my husband
if it had been anythinig like their relationship, I would of had a lot more sex.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 6:01:17 GMT -5
Darktippedrose, are there similarities in how your parents treated you compared to your husband's treatment of you? Your husband lies, is neglectful of you, blames you for his problems and he says mean things to you. He also uses drugs, cheats and says cruel things to you. Were your parents neglectful, verbally abusive and did they blame you for their using drugs or having other difficulties?
That they picked out such an awful husband for you sounds like they were more interested in getting you off their hands than giving you a good husband. That he was already divorced with 2 kids was a big red flag. At the least, you'd be starting marriage with financial responsibilities that most people who marry young don't have. After all, he had financial responsibilities to his kids.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 11:11:15 GMT -5
Narcissists are poison to everyone around them: family, friends, coworkers and pets (yes I said PETS). Everyone in the destructive narcissist's life, in their view, are extensions of the narcissist: just things for them to use. Tools, to feed and fortress their grandiosity. Any time their "tools" stray from the mold set by the destructive narcissist - watch out for the incoming storm. They have no sympathy, they have no empathy. They have no respect for the feelings of others and probably don't ever consider that others even have feelings. You have to understand, that the destructive narcissist believes that everyone is just like them and that life is a battle with everyone that may, in some way, outshine them in even the smallest of ways. They will criticize, sabotage, berate, withhold affection, withhold praise, scratch and bite and claw at anything that's perceived even a remote threat to their own twisted sense of self. Most importantly, you will never be able to change them, because they don't believe there is anything wrong with them. Many (if not most/all) of them don't even realize the damage they do (that would be more of a sociopath/psychopath, I think). ..However, don't believe for a second that they care about you. They do what they do, because they are what they are, and you are their tool - nothing more, nothing less. They can seem the nicest people in the room, and can mask their true personality for a time (especially in public places or when meeting new people), but when familiarity sets in, so will the abuse begin. Unless your NPD recognizes this in his/her self, and by his/her self, and takes real steps to do something about it, I would advise that you run -as far and as fast as you can (especially if the abuse becomes physical). I have read this kind of thing before, but every single time I read it again, I am taken aback. This is a perfect description of my STBX. When I lost a job because the lawyer I worked for checked into alcohol rehab, she want absolutely nuts on me. She told me that I had ruined her life, and I better go beg for my previous job back. (I had worked at a large law firm where I dreaded going to work every day). I finally found a job at the District Attorney's office that I absolutely loved, but it was not as much money. For the next 5 months, she would wake me up in the middle of the night screaming an inch from my face that she wanted me to make more money! It was a horrible experience. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 11, 2017 11:22:24 GMT -5
well, my parents were neglectful of me. Most kids of drug addicts are. My mom was also an alcoholic so after she told me my father was actually from Kuwait, she'd say racist things to me when she was drunk. I never really told anyone until I got older.
I took care of my mother when she was coming off of a high. She'd beg to OD while she was jonesing for drugs. My mom was shot by her drug dealer when I was 16. My dad changed after she died. He was a bit colder. He treated me less like the girl he raised. He just couldn't deal I geuss without my mom being there. I don't know.
He wasn't the greatest guy to my mom, and she haunted him in his dreams. Literally lols.
My marriage wasn't arranged by family. It was arranged by the Muslim Community. This was years ago when a certain sect of Islam was really spreading in America. But now people hate it and are taking a stand against it. And it caused lots of problems because so many new converts were pressured to get married too fast. It caused so many problems that now most clergyman tell people to learn first, then get married. Opt for an extended engangement.
For many Muslims, a divorced man doesn't have the same warning signs as a divorced woman. I had never had a relationship. Never really knew many men very well other than relatives. I was finding myself but I never really had much maternal guidance for these matters.
What should have been a warning sign was not being allowed to have an extended engagement period, and not being able to talk to his ex-wife and his mother.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 11:40:03 GMT -5
Your husband's' emotional cruelty and neglect of you are similar to your parents' treatment of you. Returning to therapy could help you heal from your childhood wounds and learn strategies for having a happier live. I don't mean therapy would teach you to change him. I mean therapy could help you acknowledge your reality and take steps under your control to protect yourself and to eventually untie your life from your husband.
I am surprised that those arranging your marriage weren't concerned about the finances of tying your life to that of a man with financial responsibilities for kids from a previous marriage. If your husband is not paying child support that would reflect badly on his character. If he is paying, that restricts opportunities for you and your kids together. I am assuming your husband is not a wealthy man.
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 11, 2017 12:31:40 GMT -5
Well ......... he said that he could afford a wife. I didn't find out until later that he could barely afford himself. I didn't find out that he didn't even have his own appartment at that time until months later. So yeah I got the short end of the stick on that one.
my grandma says, next time I get married, I need a husband who will give me an allowance hehe
and I joke with my great grandpa that husbands don't live forever. Which he thinks is the funniest thing EVER. Hes in his late 80s I think.
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yay! and I make no apologies for that), 2 we refuse to ever contact again, or accept any contact from, again.
