|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Oct 4, 2017 10:35:44 GMT -5
I don't know why but when I see these posts from women it just infuriates me. I don't know if it is because I thought it was primarily a problem men had. Or just the frustration of knowing that there are women out there who want to go slow and kiss and want that emotional connection as much as I do, but I'm not married to one. This, this and more this. After joining this site, I wonder with every person I pass if they are also in this hellhole. I always just figured women can have sex as often as they want. I feel like apologizing for having had that wrong attitude. Growing up this is always what i thought! I never really slept around thinking when i got married id have years of amazing sex but 2 years in and i dont think i can fill 2 hands with how much sex ive actually had and cant fill one hand with how much of that was enjoyable. I feel so cheated. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Oct 4, 2017 10:45:40 GMT -5
This, this and more this. After joining this site, I wonder with every person I pass if they are also in this hellhole. I always just figured women can have sex as often as they want. I feel like apologizing for having had that wrong attitude. Growing up this is always what i thought! I never really slept around thinking when i got married id have years of amazing sex but 2 years in and i dont think i can fill 2 hands with how much sex ive actually had and cant fill one hand with how much of that was enjoyable. I feel so cheated. Honey it's only two years and you feel cheated. I have lived your future if you do not lay your cards on the table and scare the shit or the truth out of him. I was cheated out of 2 decades but there was no forum to figure things out back then you just had to deal with the rejection alone. Lay your cards on the table, make him tell you the truth about how he is exploring his sexuality because he's not including you in it. Make him go to counseling, threaten him with divorce, be selfish for yourself and your future because I promise - after years of rejection and neglect - you won't love him. Discuss a problem - find a solution - compromise - that's marriage, if he can't do that then you don't have a marriage. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 4, 2017 20:56:21 GMT -5
I'd agree with Sister bballgirl that you need to detonate a bomb under his arse. But I'd counsel against "threatening divorce" --- unless of course you have thoroughly checked that option out and are actually prepared to do that. These situations are deadly serious and brinkmanship / bluffing / saying stuff you don't mean are in no way helpful in bringing things to resolution. |
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 5, 2017 5:03:09 GMT -5
This, this and more this. After joining this site, I wonder with every person I pass if they are also in this hellhole. I always just figured women can have sex as often as they want. I feel like apologizing for having had that wrong attitude. Growing up this is always what i thought! I never really slept around thinking when i got married id have years of amazing sex but 2 years in and i dont think i can fill 2 hands with how much sex ive actually had and cant fill one hand with how much of that was enjoyable. I feel so cheated. Similar here. I waited for marriage and I guess I waited for nothing. My SM didn't wait until 2 years in to start though. It started as soon as we left the wedding reception. I feel like I missed out on all the sex I could have been having before I got married. I never pursued it because I was expecting lots of sex once I did get married. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 5, 2017 6:19:32 GMT -5
"I waited for marriage and I guess I waited for nothing. My SM didn't wait until 2 years in to start though. It started as soon as we left the wedding reception. I feel like I missed out on all the sex I could have been having before I got married. I never pursued it because I was expecting lots of sex once I did get married."
So why do you stay in what is basically a roommate situation?
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 5, 2017 11:24:17 GMT -5
"I waited for marriage and I guess I waited for nothing. My SM didn't wait until 2 years in to start though. It started as soon as we left the wedding reception. I feel like I missed out on all the sex I could have been having before I got married. I never pursued it because I was expecting lots of sex once I did get married." So why do you stay in what is basically a roommate situation? At first, I thought I was the problem. I thought I must be such a horrible person that I deserved to be lonely and depressed. Then after a few years, I thought that maybe I just needed to try harder at everything to make up for my shortcomings. It wasn't until shortly before I joined here that I started to change my mind. Now, I'm mentally prepared for this to end. I'm not financially prepared though. I need to wait until my W gets a better job (applications are out). If I tip my hand too soon, she'll quit looking for a better job and I'll end up paying much more in alimony. I have set a deadline for her to change and if she does, I would be happy to stay and work on our marriage. I don't think she will though, and I am fine with that outcome also. I just need to stash away enough cash to afford the legal fees and get her gainfully employed. |
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Oct 5, 2017 11:52:42 GMT -5
I layed in bed a good 3 hours last nicght contemplating if i had the balls do basically go beg for sex and possibly be denied or if it would jist be easier to handle business myself. Almost 3 months of no sex and only 2 times in the last 8... i basically felt mad. So i did it, i went and initiated and god yall it was horrible. He basically just took what he wanted and went to bed. I didnt even get close. Im so over it. I tried asking if we could slow things out and make out a bit, he obliged but i swear it just felt like he was going throigh the motions. What am i doing wrong, why is it so awkward. Ive always thought of myself as a really sexual person and last night i felt like it was my first time. I honestly dont think i can keep doing this. I went 5 months this year without, and then when I finally caved in and basically begged for it, I got one of the worst sexual episodes of my life. It was the kind of sex that makes you literally angry you missed the pleasure of just doing it yourself. It's nothing you are doing wrong, and they WANT it to feel awkward. It's their hope that it'll be so awkward that you won't bother them for it again. |
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Oct 5, 2017 12:36:45 GMT -5
I layed in bed a good 3 hours last nicght contemplating if i had the balls do basically go beg for sex and possibly be denied or if it would jist be easier to handle business myself. Almost 3 months of no sex and only 2 times in the last 8... i basically felt mad. So i did it, i went and initiated and god yall it was horrible. He basically just took what he wanted and went to bed. I didnt even get close. Im so over it. I tried asking if we could slow things out and make out a bit, he obliged but i swear it just felt like he was going throigh the motions. What am i doing wrong, why is it so awkward. Ive always thought of myself as a really sexual person and last night i felt like it was my first time. I honestly dont think i can keep doing this. I went 5 months this year without, and then when I finally caved in and basically begged for it, I got one of the worst sexual episodes of my life. It was the kind of sex that makes you literally angry you missed the pleasure of just doing it yourself. It's nothing you are doing wrong, and they WANT it to feel awkward. It's their hope that it'll be so awkward that you won't bother them for it again. I dont know why that hadnt occured to me.... makes so much sense. For now it worked until im desperate again... |
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Oct 5, 2017 13:23:38 GMT -5
I went 5 months this year without, and then when I finally caved in and basically begged for it, I got one of the worst sexual episodes of my life. It was the kind of sex that makes you literally angry you missed the pleasure of just doing it yourself. It's nothing you are doing wrong, and they WANT it to feel awkward. It's their hope that it'll be so awkward that you won't bother them for it again. I dont know why that hadnt occured to me.... makes so much sense. For now it worked until im desperate again... I hear that. My last pathetic encounter was so bad I should be able to go a couple more months without even wanting sex (from her). Wow...that sounds really sad when I type that out loud. Anyway, sorry you find yourself in a situation that brought you here, but I'm glad you found some support. It does help to know you aren't alone. |
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Oct 5, 2017 13:54:07 GMT -5
I dont know why that hadnt occured to me.... makes so much sense. For now it worked until im desperate again... I hear that. My last pathetic encounter was so bad I should be able to go a couple more months without even wanting sex (from her). Wow...that sounds really sad when I type that out loud. Anyway, sorry you find yourself in a situation that brought you here, but I'm glad you found some support. It does help to know you aren't alone. Since ive found this site i feel like i have a safe place, as abnornal as our situation is this forum makes me feel normal... its good to have people. I have a hard time expressing how i feel inside because my whole life ive been surrounded by people who would just rather not hear or if they did lend an open ear, had negative feedback... so ive learned to just be numb to most things but coming on this site brings life to me. You all make me laugh when i dont know how i could and i am so grateful! |
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Oct 6, 2017 5:09:05 GMT -5
Im mostly joking. The thought of outsourcing intrgues me because god do i need a good roll in the hay lol, but i dont actually know if im capable. I truly do love him. I am just so frustrated i feel like there really is no win here. I'll second that one. The thought (and I think it a lot) is one thing but, to be honest, I really want to remain on the 'right" side of this. My refuser would say that makes me a narcissist - whatever. There's a pretty blurred line between clinical narcissism and a little thing called self esteem. I truly love my refuser as well - that's the hell of it all. ...and Oh yeah - I was able to put the SM timeline together; just over 6.5 years. |
|
|
|
Post by tiredoftears on Oct 8, 2017 0:39:25 GMT -5
I layed in bed a good 3 hours last nicght contemplating if i had the balls do basically go beg for sex and possibly be denied or if it would jist be easier to handle business myself. Almost 3 months of no sex and only 2 times in the last 8... i basically felt mad. So i did it, i went and initiated and god yall it was horrible. He basically just took what he wanted and went to bed. I didnt even get close. Im so over it. I tried asking if we could slow things out and make out a bit, he obliged but i swear it just felt like he was going throigh the motions. What am i doing wrong, why is it so awkward. Ive always thought of myself as a really sexual person and last night i felt like it was my first time. I honestly dont think i can keep doing this. The few times I have basically demanded sex since it obviously became a chore to him, it has seemed exactly like that. He would be done in 2-5 minutes, and basically showed the enthusiasm of scrubbing dishes. SOOOO awkward. So... degrading, and not in a fun nasty way. Sigh.... We are supposed to go to our first counseling session Monday. I do not have high hopes. I hate that you feel so similar to me, yet am grateful I am not the only one. I wish it gets better for you. |
|
|
|
Post by wanderlust on Oct 8, 2017 12:13:15 GMT -5
This is an excerpt from the book, the four agreements, which are, by the way great rules to live by.
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Oct 8, 2017 12:28:43 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. Life is too short to be lonely or miserable. You can take ownership of your life and move forward. Many of us have . . . with no ILIASM members anywhere nearby. By the way, very beautiful profile photo. |
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 8, 2017 14:45:05 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. Life is too short to be lonely or miserable. You can take ownership of your life and move forward. Many of us have . . . with no ILIASM members anywhere nearby. By the way, very beautiful profile photo. Agreed! What the hell is wrong with your H? |
|
