|
Post by bballgirl on Oct 3, 2017 16:14:25 GMT -5
Welcome. Very tough post to read. Your H sounds like an A-hole and does not give a hoot about you or your needs. What was so glaringly in between the words was it seems you BOTH are FORCING to have sex or intimacy. Neither of you seem to be enjoying it or being fulfilled. Courage - but sounds like decision time here soon. 1. Stay 2. Leave 3. Cheat I truly feel as if i cant leave. We both have no family and we have a little one. I grew up without a father and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure my son has everything he needs in life. We hamdle financial business and overall have a very happy home. There is a lot of affection outside of the bedroom and honestly everyone thinks we are very happy, and i am aside from this but this one thing is consuming me. I really do want to outsource but honestly i dont know how to even go about it... i dont even feel like i could be good at sex again anyways if i could figure out how to get some. Lol... laat night was so horrible it wasnt like i forgot how to ride the bike it was like i forgot what a bike was all together! Just terrible! All i can do is laugh about it or else i may just cry. He is just a selfish man. I can understand why outsourcing appeals to you.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 3, 2017 16:57:57 GMT -5
There are presently 888 members of this group. So there's 887 people straight up that are not buying this "everyone thinks we are very happy" facade.
Not that that matters particularly, you don't want to be running your life on the basis of *what other people think* in any event.
What you (and anyone else) needs to be doing is running your life and making your choices on a basis of *what is in your longer term best interests*
Do you - truly - see still being in this position in Oct 2018 as being in your best longer term interests ? How about by Oct 2022 ?
|
|
|
Post by tirefire on Oct 3, 2017 18:56:33 GMT -5
I don't know why but when I see these posts from women it just infuriates me. I don't know if it is because I thought it was primarily a problem men had. Or just the frustration of knowing that there are women out there who want to go slow and kiss and want that emotional connection as much as I do, but I'm not married to one. This, this and more this. After joining this site, I wonder with every person I pass if they are also in this hellhole. I always just figured women can have sex as often as they want. I feel like apologizing for having had that wrong attitude.
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 3, 2017 19:33:09 GMT -5
I don't know why but when I see these posts from women it just infuriates me. I don't know if it is because I thought it was primarily a problem men had. Or just the frustration of knowing that there are women out there who want to go slow and kiss and want that emotional connection as much as I do, but I'm not married to one. This, this and more this. After joining this site, I wonder with every person I pass if they are also in this hellhole. I always just figured women can have sex as often as they want. I feel like apologizing for having had that wrong attitude. The truth is that for most of us here, our spouses DO have as much sex as they want. It just happens to be very little. I can't grasp how a man would ever avoid physical intimacy or do anything to make it unenjoyable for his wife. I guess that shows how much different we are from the refusers of our female members. It really burns me though, to know that there are men out there who treat women so terribly and get away with no consequences.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Oct 3, 2017 23:24:24 GMT -5
I don't think I'm the best person to give advice at this point but I will say this: even if you had some contributing fault, which you DON'T, its still WRONG to use sex refusal as a weapon of control. I hope you can get your feelings and next direction sorted.
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Oct 3, 2017 23:33:57 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol.
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Oct 4, 2017 0:48:12 GMT -5
I see the options just a little more veriegated. 1.1. Stay, and accept that the sexual aspect is gone. 1.2. Stay, and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 1.3. Stay, but be clear to your spouse that you want an open marriage so that you can have your needs met. 2. Stay, but have your needs met covertly. 3. Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs, and it is the honest thing to do. Wow. Very well further nuanced. I am keeping this one in my pocket.
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Oct 4, 2017 0:56:19 GMT -5
I truly feel as if i cant leave. We both have no family and we have a little one. I grew up without a father and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure my son has everything he needs in life. We hamdle financial business and overall have a very happy home. There is a lot of affection outside of the bedroom and honestly everyone thinks we are very happy, and i am aside from this but this one thing is consuming me. I really do want to outsource but honestly i dont know how to even go about it... i dont even feel like i could be good at sex again anyways if i could figure out how to get some. Lol... laat night was so horrible it wasnt like i forgot how to ride the bike it was like i forgot what a bike was all together! Just terrible! All i can do is laugh about it or else i may just cry. Oh Lord can I relate to the dilemma of wanting to keep the family unit together at any cost. I have NO DOUBT whatsoever, you can be an excellent lover full of passion and tenderness with the right Man. How to find a Lover on the Side? Well that will take some time and effort but definitely too is entirely within the realm of possibilities. The only thing I will add is that these "lover on the side" things tend to get out of control and it is a risky path - mainly because your H could find out and/or "Emotions" can flair up (even risk falling madly in love) etc. However we have needs that must be met profound "being human" needs and INTIMACY (sex is only a part of it) is top of the list just after food and shelter in my book. It is entirely possible but will just take effort and time to find a lover on the side and could be at least a temporary fix to a very painful festering lack of intimacy while you sacrifice for your child. Any how to put on the "moral" hat - just who "cheated" on who first? H seems to have broken the vow of "love and cherish" first, not you.
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 4, 2017 5:17:31 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. There probably is someone close to where you are. We have members from all over the world.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Oct 4, 2017 6:29:00 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. There probably is someone close to where you are. We have members from all over the world. Living in the same town would be wonderful, but not always necessary. My far-away friend is all the way across the country but travels "for business".
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2017 6:33:36 GMT -5
"I grew up without a father and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure my son has everything he needs in life."
Divorc does not have to mean growing up without a father. If your husband is the caring and involved dad you believe he is now, he would remain that way in divorce as long as you support him in being involved. You say all is fine except sex. If so, then why wouldn't both of you be able to collaborate in amicably, lovingly raising your children after divorce?
If you fear that he wouldn't be an involved, responsible dad after divorce then it's very likely that your marriage now has more problems than sex. It also could mean that he isn't the responsible, loving dad now that you'd like to believe he is. Do you think he'd forget about your kids or not bother to economically support them if you divorce? If you think that way, why?
Wouldn't you collaborate with him after a divorce so you could continue parenting well together?
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Oct 4, 2017 7:12:38 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. Ha ha! It's great to find a place where people understand your perspective and can offer so much empathy. I wish my wife could do the same for me, actually I wish I could do the same for her for that matter. Either side of a great divide and all that.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 8:41:06 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. I understand that. It would be nice to just sit & have coffee with someone who will listen.
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Oct 4, 2017 10:30:34 GMT -5
"I grew up without a father and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure my son has everything he needs in life." Divorc does not have to mean growing up without a father. If your husband is the caring and involved dad you believe he is now, he would remain that way in divorce as long as you support him in being involved. You say all is fine except sex. If so, then why wouldn't both of you be able to collaborate in amicably, lovingly raising your children after divorce? If you fear that he wouldn't be an involved, responsible dad after divorce then it's very likely that your marriage now has more problems than sex. It also could mean that he isn't the responsible, loving dad now that you'd like to believe he is. Do you think he'd forget about your kids or not bother to economically support them if you divorce? If you think that way, why? Wouldn't you collaborate with him after a divorce so you could continue parenting well together? I do fear he would fade out of my sons life but i dont know if there is truth to that or if it stems from my own father abandoning us. He is very attentive to my son and loves him with his whole heart so i just really dont know. I think i could co parent juat fine but i am terrified of another woman stepping into my sons life as a mother role.
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Oct 4, 2017 10:32:49 GMT -5
There probably is someone close to where you are. We have members from all over the world. Living in the same town would be wonderful, but not always necessary. My far-away friend is all the way across the country but travels "for business". Im mostly joking. The thought of outsourcing intrgues me because god do i need a good roll in the hay lol, but i dont actually know if im capable. I truly do love him. I am just so frustrated i feel like there really is no win here.
|
|