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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 2, 2017 10:26:59 GMT -5
It could be that the porn is the main issue here. Do some research on that. I truly believe that porn can destroy marriages and ruin men for real sex. It bypasses the work of true intimacy and makes men think that women should look or act in ways that most women just don't. It's totally unrealistic. If you can convince your husband that porn is a destructive addiction, you may have a shot. Especially given that you're only 2 months w/o sex. Many of us have gone months or years. Good luck to you! Porn does cause problems, but men more attracted to porn is more of an issue of men who don’t equate sex with intimacy. Some men have it in their head that good girls shouldn’t like sex but bad girls do. We also believe that sex should only be with the hot girls we see in porn and not the new mom who has put on a few pounds. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, though. These men just have a warped idea of what sex should be. It’s kind of like my problem with alcohol. Beer and whiskey did not cause me to be an alcoholic. Rather, it was chemistry coupled with my attitude. Today, I can walk into a bar, order a Diet Coke, and not have any urges to drink. I don’t need alcohol, and I don’t need a shapely woman to enjoy sex. A self-confident woman who can care about me and challenge my mind can turn me on just as well. This speaks to me when we first got together i guess i was a "bad" girl things were fun and exciting and i was down gor anything, anywhere.... once we got very serious it died down about, and then wegot married and it died down wven more and after i had my child its basically just stopped.... i do inderstamd nobosy wants to fuck their "mom"(which is what i feel like these days) but i feel as tho im still very young and a lot of fun. Its like everyone sees it except him! I am constantly being hit on and i feel great about myself until i am alone with him. |
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 2, 2017 10:30:12 GMT -5
"Everything is great bar the sex" eh ? Many many stories start off in this manner in here. Very few stories end that way. So I would invite you to put your stated position - that everything is great bar the sex - under the microscope and take a really hard look at it, to ensure that you are not looking back at this through rose coloured glasses. If your deal is to be sorted out - one way or another - then you have to be upfront and honest with each other. And more importantly, up front and honest with yourself first and foremost. Welcome @phoenix25 Sometimes it’s hard to see certain things thru those sex colored glasses. Take ‘me off and look for any of these: Excuses. Avoidance. Communication problems. Lack of empathy. Misunderstandings. Resistance to change. Despondency. Extreme frustration. Despair. If sex is the only problem, you don’t have any of these in you marriage. Just checking. I have experienced a lot of this while being eith him. He had a very rough childhood and has a lot of inner issues that are hard for him to work through. I will say i have seen a lot of growth on his end in all of these departments and that is why i have a glimmer of hope. This man loves me in the best way he is capable of right now... but my patience is just thin. Is there no hope? Even tho ive seen effort with my own eyes. |
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Post by h on Oct 2, 2017 10:47:42 GMT -5
"Now I'm in my 30's and I am starting to feel my body slow down. My best sexual years are already behind me and they were wasted on a woman who didn't want what I had to offer. " h , can I ask if you lift weights? In my case, I waited until my late 40s to start and I didn't realize how it would affect my sex drive, esteem and attitude. If you've never done it, you might be surprised with the results. It won't fix the wife's lack of interest in sex but it might help you move on. I definitely don't feel like I've been slowing down. I've never been this strong, mentally and physically. One of my jobs is very physically demanding. I get plenty of cardio and weight lifting there. I know I could do more to improve my health but I don't really have any motivation to. Why bother? |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 2, 2017 11:13:45 GMT -5
Improve your health because you deserve to be healthier. Good health impacts your life long term and will make your life easier whether or not you stay married to a refuser or ever have sex again.
In the worst case scenario; you stay married and she keeps refusing, do you really want to be infirm, disabled, housebound with her as your caretaker? Taking care of yourself can help you avoid that.
I am really glad that I started taking care of myself --for me, not my refuser, years before leaving him. I also got involved -- without him-- in activities, including physical ones like dance, yoga and working out, that I enjoyed. I made many new friends, looked and felt better and more confident. I also was happier because I no longer was basing my life on him.
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Post by h on Oct 2, 2017 11:26:13 GMT -5
Improve your health because you deserve to be healthier. Good health impacts your life long term and will make your life easier whether or not you stay married to a refuser or ever have sex again. In the worst case scenario; you stay married and she keeps refusing, do you really want to be infirm, disabled, housebound with her as your caretaker? Taking care of yourself can help you avoid that. I am really glad that I started taking care of myself --for me, not my refuser, years before leaving him. I also got involved -- without him-- in activities, including physical ones like dance, yoga and working out, that I enjoyed. I made many new friends, looked and felt better and more confident. I also was happier because I no longer was basing my life on him. If I were to assume the worst case and I were stuck with my refuser for life, why would I want it to be a long life? I'm not saying that I am thinking this way right now but if we're talking about worst case scenarios then I would have every incentive to avoid being healthy. If anything, low quality of health limits sex drive and would be a desirable side effect for someone who is frequently refused. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 2, 2017 11:53:55 GMT -5
Porn does cause problems, but men more attracted to porn is more of an issue of men who don’t equate sex with intimacy. Some men have it in their head that good girls shouldn’t like sex but bad girls do. We also believe that sex should only be with the hot girls we see in porn and not the new mom who has put on a few pounds. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, though. These men just have a warped idea of what sex should be. It’s kind of like my problem with alcohol. Beer and whiskey did not cause me to be an alcoholic. Rather, it was chemistry coupled with my attitude. Today, I can walk into a bar, order a Diet Coke, and not have any urges to drink. I don’t need alcohol, and I don’t need a shapely woman to enjoy sex. A self-confident woman who can care about me and challenge my mind can turn me on just as well. This speaks to me when we first got together i guess i was a "bad" girl things were fun and exciting and i was down gor anything, anywhere.... once we got very serious it died down about, and then wegot married and it died down wven more and after i had my child its basically just stopped.... i do inderstamd nobosy wants to fuck their "mom"(which is what i feel like these days) but i feel as tho im still very young and a lot of fun. Its like everyone sees it except him! I am constantly being hit on and i feel great about myself until i am alone with him. There are a lot of men that don't have problems doing very dirty things to a "mom". There is a reason why the term MILF exists. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 2, 2017 12:09:20 GMT -5
"If I were to assume the worst case and I were stuck with my refuser for life, why would I want it to be a long life?"
I understand what you are saying. There is, however, a flaw in your reasoning. People who don't take care of themselves are likely to spend more of their lives disabled than do people who take care of themselves. Learning that is what helped inspire me to take care of myself.
I'd also seen my father spend the last years of his life being partly paralyzed, mute and housebound while being taken care of by my mother who loathed him. While my marriage was like living with a roommate acquaintance not an enemy, I still wanted to avoid the chance of spending years helpless while being taken care of by my husband. Considering his indifference to my sexual needs, I was afraid of the care he would give if I had more difficult needs to meet.
I also wanted to continue to be healthy enough to have enjoyable activities away from home and my refuser. That's difficult to do if one has mobility or other problems caused by lack of self care.
Is your life built only around work and your wife or are you developing other interests away from those things? You can choose not to depend virtually completely on her for enjoyable outlets.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 2, 2017 12:12:52 GMT -5
"i do inderstamd nobosy wants to fuck their "mom"(which is what i feel like these days) but i feel as tho im still very young and a lot of fun. Its like everyone sees it except him! I am constantly being hit on and i feel great about myself until i am alone with him."
Unless having a baby caused you to treat your husband like he is your child or caused you to permanently stop acting sexy, his not wanting to have sex with you because you are a mom reflects his hang ups. That's not the way all men feel.
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Post by h on Oct 2, 2017 12:57:47 GMT -5
"If I were to assume the worst case and I were stuck with my refuser for life, why would I want it to be a long life?" I understand what you are saying. There is, however, a flaw in your reasoning. People who don't take care of themselves are likely to spend more of their lives disabled than do people who take care of themselves. Learning that is what helped inspire me to take care of myself. I'd also seen my father spend the last years of his life being partly paralyzed, mute and housebound while being taken care of by my mother who loathed him. While my marriage was like living with a roommate acquaintance not an enemy, I still wanted to avoid the chance of spending years helpless while being taken care of by my husband. Considering his indifference to my sexual needs, I was afraid of the care he would give if I had more difficult needs to meet. I also wanted to continue to be healthy enough to have enjoyable activities away from home and my refuser. That's difficult to do if one has mobility or other problems caused by lack of self care. Is your life built only around work and your wife or are you developing other interests away from those things? You can choose not to depend virtually completely on her for enjoyable outlets. In all honesty, I have very little time to cultivate outside interests. I work 7 days a week between the 2 jobs and haven't had the opportunity to see anyone other than my W outside of work for longer than I can remember. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 2, 2017 13:51:44 GMT -5
H, is there a financial reason like debt that causes you to work such long hours or are you doing that to avoid your wife?
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 2, 2017 13:53:30 GMT -5
"i do inderstamd nobosy wants to fuck their "mom"(which is what i feel like these days) but i feel as tho im still very young and a lot of fun. Its like everyone sees it except him! I am constantly being hit on and i feel great about myself until i am alone with him." Unless having a baby caused you to treat your husband like he is your child or caused you to permanently stop acting sexy, his not wanting to have sex with you because you are a mom reflects his hang ups. That's not the way all men feel. Well his parents abandoned him and he grew up in foster care. I take care of mostly everything and definitely all the cleaning and cooking so in a way i am his mom. I like doing these things for my family so stopping, which is what i probably need to do, will just add to stress. I wish i could just reset our relationship. |
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Post by h on Oct 2, 2017 14:44:57 GMT -5
H, is there a financial reason like debt that causes you to work such long hours or are you doing that to avoid your wife? Lots of people in our area need to especially since we get to keep so little of what we make in our state. Working long hours is about the only way to stay off of public assistance. As a matter of pride, I will never allow myself to be a drain on society. |
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Post by obobfla on Oct 2, 2017 17:53:51 GMT -5
This speaks to me when we first got together i guess i was a "bad" girl things were fun and exciting and i was down gor anything, anywhere.... once we got very serious it died down about, and then wegot married and it died down wven more and after i had my child its basically just stopped.... i do inderstamd nobosy wants to fuck their "mom"(which is what i feel like these days) but i feel as tho im still very young and a lot of fun. Its like everyone sees it except him! I am constantly being hit on and i feel great about myself until i am alone with him. There are a lot of men that don't have problems doing very dirty things to a "mom". There is a reason why the term MILF exists. I like moms. They are much more patient and accepting than childless women. But when necessary, they are badass bitches! The toughest person I ever knew was my mom. She had eight children. The second-toughest is my mother-in-law. She has six. Yeah, motherhood may widen your hips and rob you of sleep. But it toughens and teaches you like nothing else! |
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Post by JMX on Oct 2, 2017 21:19:05 GMT -5
Porn does cause problems, but men more attracted to porn is more of an issue of men who don’t equate sex with intimacy. Some men have it in their head that good girls shouldn’t like sex but bad girls do. We also believe that sex should only be with the hot girls we see in porn and not the new mom who has put on a few pounds. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, though. These men just have a warped idea of what sex should be. It’s kind of like my problem with alcohol. Beer and whiskey did not cause me to be an alcoholic. Rather, it was chemistry coupled with my attitude. Today, I can walk into a bar, order a Diet Coke, and not have any urges to drink. I don’t need alcohol, and I don’t need a shapely woman to enjoy sex. A self-confident woman who can care about me and challenge my mind can turn me on just as well. This speaks to me when we first got together i guess i was a "bad" girl things were fun and exciting and i was down gor anything, anywhere.... once we got very serious it died down about, and then wegot married and it died down wven more and after i had my child its basically just stopped.... i do inderstamd nobosy wants to fuck their "mom"(which is what i feel like these days) but i feel as tho im still very young and a lot of fun. Its like everyone sees it except him! I am constantly being hit on and i feel great about myself until i am alone with him. Lord, sister. 25? I am glad you found us. Please keep reading and figuring it out. Mine started at 28 - 3 years wonderful, and the rest? Basically shit. I feel like the best years of my life were stolen from me. I stole them from myself. I know that now. My idea of my 30s was being happily exhausted from young children and continuing to be in love and all that that implies. I figured my husband would chase me around the bedroom as I feigned being tired but ultimately, submitted. It was fantasy for me - but reality for my mother, and most of my friends. It hurts sometimes - in ways you probably can imagine, but most women cannot, to hear your 70 year-old mother talk about how much she gets it or, your friends to bitch about how much they get it as you die a little inside every single day. I said as much in a counseling appointment when I broke down crying (and I don't cry). I told my counselor and my husband / I feel like my 30s were stolen from me and I look ahead to my 40s (freshly 40) and wonder if I can continue this. I know I cannot. I am angry at myself for the constant waiting. It's difficult thinking about the kids, the upheaval, I get it. I have been on this forum, or EP now since September 2014. I hope your pain is expedited through learning of ours. It does not change. No matter if they valiantly try to change - it does not. Unfortunately, if he wanted to - he would fuck you. I know some of the women here personally, and, some of the men. I am always taken-aback because they are beautiful people inside and out. You have to start seeing yourself this way as well. It's not you, it's him. It's his problem. I say that to you, dear Phoenix. I say that to myself every day as well. I hope you learn to believe it. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Oct 3, 2017 2:01:55 GMT -5
Im only 25 and i feel like all my best sex years are passing me by.... what do i do.... i dont think i could cheat most days and others im like fuck it its just sex, why not. I honestly think it would just backfire and make me more aware of my crappy situation. Has anybody successfully brought back the spark? Is it even possible? I feel like he has a sex life that is completely seperate from me and our life (porn) and its turning me into a very insecure angry person. I'm struggling with the same dilemma. I've been married for over 9 years and the extremely rare sex started at the beginning. We averaged less than 10 times a year even in our first year of marriage. She even turned me down on our wedding night which was a huge slap in the face since we didn't have sex before marriage. Now I'm in my 30's and I am starting to feel my body slow down. My best sexual years are already behind me and they were wasted on a woman who didn't want what I had to offer. I'm becoming a bitter, angry person because what I consider to be one of the most important parts of my identity as a man was stolen from me and thrown in the trash. My peak sexual years are gone. Now, I turn to porn as an outlet. What I really want is the close intimate relationship I was promised in our marriage vows. I want to feel loved and desired. I need a regular frequent sex life to get that. Don't let this go on any longer. Don't be like me and so many others here. Fight for it early and don't settle for less than what you really need. Sorry h, but I feel like I need to say a few things. I'm 45, I'm overweight, I have Parkinson's disease, and I too thought that my best sex years were behind me. I was wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!! On the rare occasions I had sex with my wife if I was lucky enough to get it up I didn't last long. I thought for sure that this was it, my sex life was over. Turns out that all that crap was in my head. I was so damned stressed about just being with my wife that mentally I was a wreck anytime we got close. Take away that stress and replace it with a willing partner, one that wants to experience these things with you, and it's a completely different experience! I've had the best sexual experiences in my life this year! The right attitude, mindset, and partner makes all the difference in the world. Please do not assume that your best sex years are gone, I'm smack in the middle of mine, some place I never thought I would be. |
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