|
|
Post by takestwototango on Oct 1, 2017 18:11:06 GMT -5
There is a plethora of vague medical excuses for avoiding sex, and personally I think 98.2% of them are complete bullshit. I'm not saying that there are not legitimate medical issues that cause decreased libido, I'm saying that when they are used as excuses for not having sex they are BS. I think you know what to expect if you stick around, heck, we all do. And the whole thing is just sad, I really liked how you two got together. Best of luck to you. I agree. Last night we actually had a pretty good unexpected roll in the hay. The problem is, his heart does what he calls "funny things," which actually scare him. Afterwards he said he just had a revelation; he is afraid of dying! I told him maybe he needed counseling, and he said maybe he did. When this first started I was very skeptical and researched the problem of SM with heart problems and found several sites that said this is real and may not ever get better. I'm going to wait and see how his t-levels come out, then talk to his PP or heart doc. I don't want him to have a heart attack on me and I know that he is terrified of that happening. I'm in a wait-and-see mode right now. As frustrating as it is sometimes, I cannot walk away from him at this point. We both still love each other very much. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Oct 1, 2017 18:21:33 GMT -5
I think between your H heart problems and his alcohol sprees could be causing his ED. Unless he is willing to change his health and his habits and take medication, you can't do much. I think that you may have fallen for the idea of "unrequited love" so to speak. Totally understandable. If only it was doable in real life as it is in romance books hehe I am not ready to go. Even when I was younger. I required foreplay. My husband told me that black women didn't need foreplay and they hated it. And complained over and over about having to do it. Said I was giving him foreplay. So he blamed it on me being half white for needing foreplay. Loads of fun. I need a voice and lots of mental foreplay. And lots of foreplay. If I get touched before then, then it hurts. He'd go from complaining about foreplay to compaining that I'm too wet. You never win. He is full of Bullshit! Everyone need foreplay. There is no such thing as being to wet!! If she doesn't leave a wet spot on the sheets, she wasn't turned on enough. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 1, 2017 18:25:49 GMT -5
Hi All - I joined a couple weeks ago and have yet to tell my "story," so here it is... I've been married a little over a year. My husband and I were engaged 30 years ago, when I was 17 and he was 21, but my mom would have none of that and she and my dad carted me off to Germany with no means to get back to the States. I went on with my life and he went on with his, but I always tried to stay in contact with him throughout the years. And, last year we got back in contact. Neither of us was attached and we knew we still loved each other, so we decided to get married, like we were supposed to 30 years ago. The sex before marriage, some after, was great. But I can look back now and see that there were signs even before we got married that he might have a problem. He would say he could live with just cuddling if I wasn't in the mood, he wasn't in this relationship for sex, if I didn't want to it was no big deal for him. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. He was too tired. I'm a little naive, I guess. I'd never even heard of a sexless marriage until it happened to me. The excuses started coming after he got a job (he moved to where I am). First, he was too tired, then he was too stressed, then it became a heart issue (he's had two previous heart attacks), and now it is an ED issue. At first, we had sex probably 5-6 times a week, at least. After he started working, it went to once a week, then about a month later, I'm being generous, twice a week. During the holidays, nothing. Almost 2 entire months. I was very hurt, crying myself to sleep every night. Then I just got angry. I was so angry. Even though I know it didn't help, I just couldn't help it. I'm still working on that. I try not to show it, but it is really hard. I keep asking him to talk to his doctor. He was unemployed for 3 months, just started working again 3 weeks ago, but not once did he talk to his doctor when he wasn't working. Almost no sex during that 3 months as well. So, that just made me even more angry. I finally talked him into having his t-levels checked last week, but the doctor was over an hour behind on patients and we had to leave (he was on lunch break). He made another appt, knowing he couldn't make it. I don't know why he does stupid shit like that. Then yesterday he said he'd have to wait a couple weeks before he could make another appt. He works 8-5 and his Dr's office is open at 7, but he won't make that appt. I know his is a medical issue; at least I'm pretty sure it is. He's on two heart meds and blood thinners. But I just get so frustrated. His issue just keeps getting worse. He only takes his meds half the time, he won't stop smoking and he drinks whenever he gets the money, which are both really bad for his medical issues. I tell him he just doesn't care; he says he does. I tell him his actions speak louder than words. He says he's still attracted to me, but I have to beg him to take care of my needs. Frustrating really doesn't even touch what I feel right now. What burns me up is that before we got married, we would chat a LOT on the internet and almost all he could talk about was sex. So, I figured we'd have no problem in that area. Yet, here I am. I love my husband with all my heart, but I don't know how long I can live like this. I hate being a part of this "club." But, I'm so grateful it's here! I figured I was the only woman out there with this problem. I know it's bad, but I'm so glad I'm not alone!! If it were a medical issue he would make the 7am appointment. I'm sorry to say it sounds like a desire issue. And there ain't a damn doctor on earth who can treat that. |
|
|
|
Post by takestwototango on Oct 1, 2017 18:31:59 GMT -5
If it were a medical issue he would make the 7am appointment. I'm sorry to say it sounds like a desire issue. And there ain't a damn doctor on earth who can treat that. Well, there are times he doesn't have a problem with getting an erection, he just has a problem keeping one. Last night he did just fine. But a lot of the time he just loses it for no particular reason. I agree, if he cared more he would go to a 7am appt. I'm going to talk to him about that tonight. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 1, 2017 18:42:40 GMT -5
Takes two...you can talk over and over but you can't make him care.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 1, 2017 21:28:47 GMT -5
If it were a medical issue he would make the 7am appointment. I'm sorry to say it sounds like a desire issue. And there ain't a damn doctor on earth who can treat that. Well, there are times he doesn't have a problem with getting an erection, he just has a problem keeping one. Last night he did just fine. But a lot of the time he just loses it for no particular reason. I agree, if he cared more he would go to a 7am appt. I'm going to talk to him about that tonight. I've had problems maintaining an erection, too. As a man it can be mortifying. If you'd like to read of my sexual encounter post-SM and the problem I can encountered, read here: www.iliasm.org/post/72429Now I was motivated and embarrassed or not, I got help. In short I had desire to keep AND maintain an erection. You husband might it have that desire. Asking him won't help. He might not understand it himself. |
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Oct 1, 2017 23:34:04 GMT -5
I think between your H heart problems and his alcohol sprees could be causing his ED. Unless he is willing to change his health and his habits and take medication, you can't do much. I think that you may have fallen for the idea of "unrequited love" so to speak. Totally understandable. If only it was doable in real life as it is in romance books hehe I am not ready to go. Even when I was younger. I required foreplay. My husband told me that black women didn't need foreplay and they hated it. And complained over and over about having to do it. Said I was giving him foreplay. So he blamed it on me being half white for needing foreplay. Loads of fun. I need a voice and lots of mental foreplay. And lots of foreplay. If I get touched before then, then it hurts. He'd go from complaining about foreplay to compaining that I'm too wet. You never win. I agree, his heart probs and alcohol are major factors. We both quit smoking for a couple of months, but then I wanted to start back and he just "has," to do it, too, now! His health seemed to be getting better and I bring this up to him all the time. All he says is, "I know." We do still love each other, but like I told him the other day, love isn't the end all, be all of a marriage. There has to be other "glue," like intimacy & SEX, to hold it together!! I always hated romance novels, lol!! And WOW, using the race card is pretty low!! Of course, you know that race has nothing to do with it. I like a little foreplay, too, but if I'm really in the mood, sometimes I just want to get to the action, lol! and I LOVE romance novels. except, in my romance novels, they're all ALPHA males and slightly a-holes. no cheating. no cliffhangers. and a happy ending. yeah ....... if only |
|
|
|
Post by takestwototango on Oct 2, 2017 13:54:22 GMT -5
Takes two...you can talk over and over but you can't make him care. That is so very true... |
|
|
|
Post by takestwototango on Oct 2, 2017 14:23:36 GMT -5
Well, there are times he doesn't have a problem with getting an erection, he just has a problem keeping one. Last night he did just fine. But a lot of the time he just loses it for no particular reason. I agree, if he cared more he would go to a 7am appt. I'm going to talk to him about that tonight. I've had problems maintaining an erection, too. As a man it can be mortifying. If you'd like to read of my sexual encounter post-SM and the problem I can encountered, read here: www.iliasm.org/post/72429Now I was motivated and embarrassed or not, I got help. In short I had desire to keep AND maintain an erection. You husband might it have that desire. Asking him won't help. He might not understand it himself. , I think because he just doesn't think about sex it's a non-issue for him, even though I remind him of it at least every other day. I'm exaggerating, of course, but I know the reminders don't help at all. We've had so many talks, I feel like I'm talking to a friggin' brick wall anymore. Actually, I take that back. I have asked him a few times if he ever thinks about it and he said he does. I ask him why, when it hits him, doesn't he act on it. His answers never make any sense. His most popular answer is that I'm mad at him, even though I've told him countless times that I am ALWAYS up for it. Thanks for sharing your story. It makes a lot of sense. We always have this scenario in our heads of how we want things like that to go and rarely, if ever, do they happen that way. But I can totally see that happening with any man who has gone several years, let a lone a couple of decades, without sex. Speaking of that, I asked my husband the other day if, when back before we got married he asked me about how important sex was to a marriage, he was afraid that he might have ED issues because of his previous heart attack. He said yes, he was and was too embarrassed to tell me that he could potentially have a problem. So I said to him, "Don't you think that would have been a good thing to tell me in the beginning?!" He said yes, looking back he should have told me. I just wonder if this is only another automatic response considering it was a question with an answer in it! He said he's never had this issue other than when he cut his hand off (it was reattached) and was on depression meds. He had sexual relations with other women after that, within the last 6 years to be exact, but hadn't been in a sexual relationship since his heart attack. So, I'm not sure why he thought it might be a problem. How can you think it might be a problem if you haven't come close to experiencing it?? I guess I just have to get used to the myriad of excuses that the refuser gives? |
|
|
|
Post by brian on Oct 2, 2017 16:39:11 GMT -5
The excuses truly are endless, and we just need to come to terms with the notion that our refusers simply don't want to have sex with us because it's unpleasant to them. The reason why doesn't matter and you can spend years/decades trying to figure out why, as many of us here have done without success, but you still end up with "your refuser doesn't want to have sex with you."
|
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Oct 3, 2017 7:02:15 GMT -5
The excuses truly are endless, and we just need to come to terms with the notion that our refusers simply don't want to have sex with us because it's unpleasant to them. The reason why doesn't matter and you can spend years/decades trying to figure out why, as many of us here have done without success, but you still end up with "your refuser doesn't want to have sex with you." This profound truth is heartbreaking to me, because for the entire SM I have known that the opposite is also true. People that ARE sexually attracted to each other find a way and are not dissuaded by minutiae. The first relationship I had where I was sexually active lasted eighteen months, and we fucked when things were going well, we fucked when things were going badly , we fucked when our relationship was falling apart, and it was always connecting and uplifting. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 3, 2017 10:50:52 GMT -5
"I think because he just doesn't think about sex it's a non-issue for him, even though I remind him of it at least every other day. "
If sex were important to him, he would be alarmed at his lack of interest, and he would do whatever it takes to get medical help.
I suspect the two of you married for different reasons. You want romance, passion, etc. he wants companionship and a future nurse.
You are in denial about who he is. He is no longer the hot young man. He is an unhealthy middle aged man who drinks too much, doesn't take care of himself and doesn't care about your sexual and emotional needs.
You are in this unhappy situation because you like living in a fairy tale. Truth is most people would not be happy as middle aged adults with the person they loved at 17. What's important and alluring at 17 is different when one is 50. Also people change over time. Someone who is a good match in high school probably isn't still s good match at 45. Goals, values, sophistication and habits change over time.
I bet if when you met him he'd had heart troubles, and drank and smoked heavily and wasn't interested in sex, you would not have dated him. The thought of marrying him would have been laughable.
|
|
|
|
Post by takestwototango on Oct 6, 2017 14:19:42 GMT -5
"I think because he just doesn't think about sex it's a non-issue for him, even though I remind him of it at least every other day. " If sex were important to him, he would be alarmed at his lack of interest, and he would do whatever it takes to get medical help. I suspect the two of you married for different reasons. You want romance, passion, etc. he wants companionship and a future nurse. You are in denial about who he is. He is no longer the hot young man. He is an unhealthy middle aged man who drinks too much, doesn't take care of himself and doesn't care about your sexual and emotional needs. You are in this unhappy situation because you like living in a fairy tale. Truth is most people would not be happy as middle aged adults with the person they loved at 17. What's important and alluring at 17 is different when one is 50. Also people change over time. Someone who is a good match in high school probably isn't still s good match at 45. Goals, values, sophistication and habits change over time. I bet if when you met him he'd had heart troubles, and drank and smoked heavily and wasn't interested in sex, you would not have dated him. The thought of marrying him would have been laughable. I don't know that I'm in denial right now. We probably do want different things for ourselves; I realize that now, but that is not what he told me in the beginning. In the beginning, when we were 500 miles apart, all he could talk about was sex, so I had no reason to believe we'd have a SM at all. He also lied about his alcohol intake, but he is learning to do without it most of the time now because we just don't have the money for it. I did know about his heart attacks, but in the beginning he didn't have any problems with sex. It started dying off when he started working. There is something else I haven't shared, and that is that when he first started that job, after a couple of weeks, he came home one day smelling like he'd been in some woman's pussy - up to his neck! He vehemently denied cheating, of course, and at that time the sex was still about every week or so, so I didn't think anything of it. He just started a new job a month ago and came home after two weeks with that smell on his face again. I was livid, but he still says he doesn't know where it's coming from! I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. He has an appt with his dr's office on the 25th and I plan on asking the dr if his hormones could be causing him to smell like a woman's pussy. Go ahead, laugh at me if you must. But, once the dr supports what I believe to be true, then I can tell the H he has been full of shit all along and I will have a leg to stand on, so to speak. If there is a medical reason for it, then I will swallow my pride and apologize for accusing him. But I don't see that scenario taking place. I'm just biding my time. It's only a few more weeks away. Here lately he has become a real asshole, though. He fails to get his clothes ready at night before bed and wakes me up by turning on the lights and asking ME where his work clothes are! He doesn't talk to me about anything any more. He became irate this past weekend when I told him I saw he was following an ex-girlfriend on twitter and I wanted him to delete her. He was so mad at me, he was yelling at the top of his lungs! The ex-girlfriend hates him, or so he says. He says he has blocked people on facebook, which I know is a lie because I've seen his blocked list. I'm just getting so tired of his lies. But I am stuck for now until I can find a job. I feel like my whole life is falling apart, like I'm sinking into that abyss where I just don't want to be here anymore. I hate that damn place!  |
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Oct 6, 2017 15:37:11 GMT -5
takestwototango - my husband has done the same thing. He has come home reeking of a woman's private part from his face, and alcohol and weed. meanwhile my husband hated it. He said it was degrading and said women don't taste good down there. Months after that, he claims its because I'm not white enough to taste sweet. I realized afterwards that all his excuses, making me think I'm paranoid and crazy, was not in my head. He had been cheating on me the whole time.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 16:16:29 GMT -5
DarktippedRose,
Given the horrible ways your husband has treated you would you really want him to have sex with you? Is it sex with him you want or is it sex with a partner --not him- who would desire you and treat you lovingly?
|
|
