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Post by takestwototango on Sept 28, 2017 9:22:30 GMT -5
I was just thinking, maybe I should have my t-levels checked as well. Maybe I produce too much. Is that possible? I mean, maybe it's just because I'm not getting any, but I think about sex morning, noon and night! And when I'm in a relationship I'm always like that. Maybe I have a disorder. Is there something I could take to lower my libido so that I wouldn't think about it so much? That would definitely help right now.
Last night the h and I talked about this lack of sex again. Before we got married he had asked me how important sex was. I told him it was important but that if there were an accident or something drastic like that, I could understand not having sex. So, he threw that up in my face. Grrrrrr
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 28, 2017 9:41:25 GMT -5
Honestly, it seems you are in love with a fantasy. Even the title, "fairy tale" reflects that. He is very different from the man you were in love with 30 years ago. He is in poor health that his bad habits imposed on him and are making worse. He doesn't love or care enough about himself to take medicine that would reduce his chances of dying or becoming sicker. Of course he doesn't care about your physical needs. He doesn't care about his own basic needs for good health.
Stay with him and you will end up being his nurse. This is not a fairytale. Your libido isn't the problem. Your closing your eyes to where the relationship is and is headed is a problem.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 28, 2017 9:48:19 GMT -5
Welcome. I, too, had never heard of a sexless marriage until it happened to me. Mine was definitely medical but that does nothing to assuage my needs. I had to leave. We divorced & stayed amicable. Ex is still a friend. Not like we hang out, but peaceable.
I hope the forum helps shed light for you. You are empowered to choose what brings you happiness, or you have the ability to be.
I hope this place will provide you the kinship & support that you need, as it did for me.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 28, 2017 11:32:25 GMT -5
You are in good company. As it relates to your relationship, you have mismatched libidos. Some people are high lbido, some are are low. I think its sometimes common to want to find ways to reduce libido so that the relationship could improve. Heaven knows I have tried. But at the end of the day, I realized that my libido is tightly tied to how I express intimacy and love. Its also tied to how I want to receive intimacy and love. In the end, I figured I would have to shut down a part of myself if I shut down my libido. But at that point, I am not really being authentic am I? So I find myself disconnecting. I love her as the mother of our children. But less and less I love her romantically. So while reducing libido via medication of some sort may help "THAT" part of the equation and bring some stability to the relationship, you may find that you are still missing something in the end. maybe it's just because I'm not getting any, but I think about sex morning, noon and night! And when I'm in a relationship I'm always like that. Maybe I have a disorder. Is there something I could take to lower my libido so that I wouldn't think about it so much? That would definitely help right now. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2017 11:41:06 GMT -5
Hi there TakesTwo  You are in a fab place for some support friend. its a great sign that your tolerance for this is so low already... I honestly don't see you trapped for life with him! keep reading and posting. Let the journey to happiness commence... wherever that takes you xx Thanks, EO! I am still hoping that he will eventually change or we can get him some help, but I do not plan on living like this for much longer. It's just intolerable. I mentioned to him around 6 or so months ago about "outsourcing." He said definitely not, that if I did that he would divorce me. I told him that he needed to do something, then. And here I am. Not sure what tomorrow holds for now. He says he will get the t levels checked in 2-3 weeks, so we will see if he holds up that side of the bargain. You are well ahead of most of us here in your schedule. We mainly decades in before we get to the point you are at. cagedtiger may have some valuable input here for you. His was a very new marriage too. I know how it feels to feel like you have to explore every possible cause before taking action, most of us here did the same. You will get to the point where all avenues that he is prepared to play along with will be exhausted. You just need to give youself some kind of timeframe... the refusing partners tend to have a great knack for stringing us along and along and along again. Dripping just enough hope into the situation to keep you in place until te next blow up... then out comes a little more hope...its predictably twisted! Xx |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 28, 2017 13:15:09 GMT -5
I was just thinking, maybe I should have my t-levels checked as well. Maybe I produce too much. Is that possible? I mean, maybe it's just because I'm not getting any, but I think about sex morning, noon and night! And when I'm in a relationship I'm always like that. Maybe I have a disorder. Is there something I could take to lower my libido so that I wouldn't think about it so much? That would definitely help right now. Last night the h and I talked about this lack of sex again. Before we got married he had asked me how important sex was. I told him it was important but that if there were an accident or something drastic like that, I could understand not having sex. So, he threw that up in my face. Grrrrrr Thanks for the tag, love. Two to tango, there is nothing wrong with you. This isn't the result of some disorder you're suffering. This is on him. I'm going to repeat that. There is nothing wrong with you. I had a similar situation not too many years ago, where an old love from earlier in my life reappeared, and there were thoughts of mine that hey, maybe this could be something. However, I moved towns after a couple of months, and it gave me a fresh perspective and reminded me that the potential negatives and baggage outweighed the very good sex and fulfillment of a childhood crush. Again, I'm glad you found your way here, and I'm glad you're addressing these concerns now, instead of decades down the road. Out of curiosity, was he a bachelor the entire time you two were apart, over that 30 years? And if you don't mind me asking, did you have any other previous long term relationships or marriages during that time? |
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Post by tirefire on Sept 28, 2017 17:18:37 GMT -5
Yikes, this is the second thread in a row I read where someone is thinking about lowering their libido. This is killing me that people get to this point.
Hang in there. You are normal and don't change a thing.
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Post by h on Sept 28, 2017 18:39:35 GMT -5
Yikes, this is the second thread in a row I read where someone is thinking about lowering their libido. This is killing me that people get to this point. Hang in there. You are normal and don't change a thing. Not so unusual. Less than a year ago when I first joined here, I was asking the same things. I asked for all the advice I could get to kill my drive. I'm guessing it's a common stage for many in coping with a SM. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 28, 2017 19:06:42 GMT -5
On the now defunct EP site, a woman posted that her father had become psychotic and tried to cut off his dick to destroy his libido because he was in a sm.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 28, 2017 22:31:37 GMT -5
The idea of killing my sex drive is frightening to me, other than taking care of myself or working out.
I theorized early on that women peak out in their 30's and guys peak out at about eighteen, so out libidos would be more in line once we were in our 30's. That never happened. Hers never took off, and mine has not dropped enough to matter.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 29, 2017 0:18:55 GMT -5
I think between your H heart problems and his alcohol sprees could be causing his ED. Unless he is willing to change his health and his habits and take medication, you can't do much.
I think that you may have fallen for the idea of "unrequited love" so to speak.
Totally understandable. If only it was doable in real life as it is in romance books hehe
I am not ready to go. Even when I was younger. I required foreplay. My husband told me that black women didn't need foreplay and they hated it. And complained over and over about having to do it. Said I was giving him foreplay. So he blamed it on me being half white for needing foreplay.
Loads of fun. I need a voice and lots of mental foreplay. And lots of foreplay. If I get touched before then, then it hurts. He'd go from complaining about foreplay to compaining that I'm too wet. You never win.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 29, 2017 0:51:05 GMT -5
There is a plethora of vague medical excuses for avoiding sex, and personally I think 98.2% of them are complete bullshit. I'm not saying that there are not legitimate medical issues that cause decreased libido, I'm saying that when they are used as excuses for not having sex they are BS. I think you know what to expect if you stick around, heck, we all do. And the whole thing is just sad, I really liked how you two got together. Best of luck to you.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 29, 2017 6:31:06 GMT -5
I theorized early on that women peak out in their 30's and guys peak out at about eighteen, so out libidos would be more in line once we were in our 30's. That never happened. Hers never took off, and mine has not dropped enough to matter. My libido just keeps getting greater and greater. I wasn't terribly interested in sex in my 20's, in my 30's I got my interest, now in my 40's I want it all the time. I can't wait to see what happens when I hit 50, provided I don't just explode or something between now and then. |
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Post by takestwototango on Oct 1, 2017 17:53:13 GMT -5
Out of curiosity, was he a bachelor the entire time you two were apart, over that 30 years? And if you don't mind me asking, did you have any other previous long term relationships or marriages during that time? Hi cagedtiger - No, he was not a bachelor the entire time. He was involved with someone not long after me, then had a couple of other relationships before finding someone that he decided to marry, but they ended up divorced. Funny that you bring this up, because he said he lived in a sexless marriage with his ex almost their entire marriage (5 or 6 years). They had been together for more than 10 years. I have been married several times before, each ending for various reasons, but none of them due to SM. |
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Post by takestwototango on Oct 1, 2017 18:01:15 GMT -5
I think between your H heart problems and his alcohol sprees could be causing his ED. Unless he is willing to change his health and his habits and take medication, you can't do much. I think that you may have fallen for the idea of "unrequited love" so to speak. Totally understandable. If only it was doable in real life as it is in romance books hehe I am not ready to go. Even when I was younger. I required foreplay. My husband told me that black women didn't need foreplay and they hated it. And complained over and over about having to do it. Said I was giving him foreplay. So he blamed it on me being half white for needing foreplay. Loads of fun. I need a voice and lots of mental foreplay. And lots of foreplay. If I get touched before then, then it hurts. He'd go from complaining about foreplay to compaining that I'm too wet. You never win. I agree, his heart probs and alcohol are major factors. We both quit smoking for a couple of months, but then I wanted to start back and he just "has," to do it, too, now! His health seemed to be getting better and I bring this up to him all the time. All he says is, "I know." We do still love each other, but like I told him the other day, love isn't the end all, be all of a marriage. There has to be other "glue," like intimacy & SEX, to hold it together!! I always hated romance novels, lol!! And WOW, using the race card is pretty low!! Of course, you know that race has nothing to do with it. I like a little foreplay, too, but if I'm really in the mood, sometimes I just want to get to the action, lol! |
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