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Post by takestwototango on Sept 27, 2017 14:01:28 GMT -5
Hi All - I joined a couple weeks ago and have yet to tell my "story," so here it is...
I've been married a little over a year. My husband and I were engaged 30 years ago, when I was 17 and he was 21, but my mom would have none of that and she and my dad carted me off to Germany with no means to get back to the States. I went on with my life and he went on with his, but I always tried to stay in contact with him throughout the years. And, last year we got back in contact. Neither of us was attached and we knew we still loved each other, so we decided to get married, like we were supposed to 30 years ago. The sex before marriage, some after, was great. But I can look back now and see that there were signs even before we got married that he might have a problem. He would say he could live with just cuddling if I wasn't in the mood, he wasn't in this relationship for sex, if I didn't want to it was no big deal for him. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. He was too tired. I'm a little naive, I guess. I'd never even heard of a sexless marriage until it happened to me. The excuses started coming after he got a job (he moved to where I am). First, he was too tired, then he was too stressed, then it became a heart issue (he's had two previous heart attacks), and now it is an ED issue. At first, we had sex probably 5-6 times a week, at least. After he started working, it went to once a week, then about a month later, I'm being generous, twice a week. During the holidays, nothing. Almost 2 entire months. I was very hurt, crying myself to sleep every night. Then I just got angry. I was so angry. Even though I know it didn't help, I just couldn't help it. I'm still working on that. I try not to show it, but it is really hard. I keep asking him to talk to his doctor. He was unemployed for 3 months, just started working again 3 weeks ago, but not once did he talk to his doctor when he wasn't working. Almost no sex during that 3 months as well. So, that just made me even more angry. I finally talked him into having his t-levels checked last week, but the doctor was over an hour behind on patients and we had to leave (he was on lunch break). He made another appt, knowing he couldn't make it. I don't know why he does stupid shit like that. Then yesterday he said he'd have to wait a couple weeks before he could make another appt. He works 8-5 and his Dr's office is open at 7, but he won't make that appt. I know his is a medical issue; at least I'm pretty sure it is. He's on two heart meds and blood thinners. But I just get so frustrated. His issue just keeps getting worse. He only takes his meds half the time, he won't stop smoking and he drinks whenever he gets the money, which are both really bad for his medical issues. I tell him he just doesn't care; he says he does. I tell him his actions speak louder than words. He says he's still attracted to me, but I have to beg him to take care of my needs. Frustrating really doesn't even touch what I feel right now. What burns me up is that before we got married, we would chat a LOT on the internet and almost all he could talk about was sex. So, I figured we'd have no problem in that area. Yet, here I am. I love my husband with all my heart, but I don't know how long I can live like this.
I hate being a part of this "club." But, I'm so grateful it's here! I figured I was the only woman out there with this problem. I know it's bad, but I'm so glad I'm not alone!!
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Post by neonspace on Sept 27, 2017 14:31:18 GMT -5
I'm glad you found this forum, but am sorry you had to go looking for it.
Lots of good stuff to read here. Keep reading and post if you feel comfortable. I know Just reading and learning that I wasn't alone in my circumstances was very helpful.
I am totally with you on the anger thing. And like you, my emotions oscillate back and forth between anger and sadness.
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Post by takestwototango on Sept 27, 2017 14:41:59 GMT -5
Yeah, what makes is so sad is that I was so happy in the beginning, and then it was like some asshole came along and stuck a pin in my happy balloon. It happened so fast. I figured this would eventually happen, but in a decade or so, not months after the marriage. I don't know how some people live like this for 20-30 years. I just can't see being here like this for that long.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 27, 2017 14:47:42 GMT -5
At least you found this place only a year into your marriage.
Communication is key, holding his feet to the fire, and staying true to yourself and what you want.
It's interesting that you went from great sex 5 times a week to nothing. Sounds like a bait and switch.
Figure out what you want for yourself.
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Post by takestwototango on Sept 27, 2017 14:52:38 GMT -5
Well, it dwindled REALLY fast, didn't just quit altogether.
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Post by LITW on Sept 27, 2017 14:57:32 GMT -5
Wow that quite a story takestwototango .... Welcome to the board, although I am sorry for the rason you are here.
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Post by LITW on Sept 27, 2017 15:01:48 GMT -5
Well, it dwindled REALLY fast, didn't just quit altogether. That was my experience too. It came as a huge shock that someone who seemed interested before all of a sudden couldn't care less. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 27, 2017 15:11:58 GMT -5
Curious about his alcohol use and whether that also is a problem. Often smoking and heavy drinking go together. Smoking also can cause performance problems as can alcohol abuse.
From what you have described, sounds like you were in live with the man he was 30 years ago but rose colored glasses may have prevented your recognizing who he is now.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 27, 2017 15:55:51 GMT -5
Yeah, what makes is so sad is that I was so happy in the beginning, and then it was like some asshole came along and stuck a pin in my happy balloon. It happened so fast. I figured this would eventually happen, but in a decade or so, not months after the marriage. I don't know how some people live like this for 20-30 years. I just can't see being here like this for that long. Hi there TakesTwo  You are in a fab place for some support friend. its a great sign that your tolerance for this is so low already... I honestly don't see you trapped for life with him! keep reading and posting. Let the journey to happiness commence... wherever that takes you xx |
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Post by tirefire on Sept 27, 2017 17:29:49 GMT -5
Welcome, takestwo. Just knowing all these people share your troubles can be a help.
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Post by takestwototango on Sept 27, 2017 18:04:26 GMT -5
Well, it dwindled REALLY fast, didn't just quit altogether. That was my experience too. It came as a huge shock that someone who seemed interested before all of a sudden couldn't care less. Yeah, I didn't get it at all and still don't. I think, maybe I'm wrong, that the longer he doesn't engage, the worse his ED gets. Anyone else know about that? I was celibate for 6 years before we got back together, voluntarily. But after getting married, I was rarin' to go, any time, any place, so I have a really hard time understanding why anyone would NOT want sex. But I was always like that before, too. I always had problems with men trying to keep up the pace. It's such a drag when the woman has a higher sex drive than a man. |
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Post by takestwototango on Sept 27, 2017 18:16:23 GMT -5
Curious about his alcohol use and whether that also is a problem. Often smoking and heavy drinking go together. Smoking also can cause performance problems as can alcohol abuse. From what you have described, sounds like you were in live with the man he was 30 years ago but rose colored glasses may have prevented your recognizing who he is now. North, you are right, and he was told that if he didn't stop smoking he'd lose a leg or both. His drinking...he likes beer and wine. The problem is, he goes through it like water when he has it, especially the wine. He and I have the same Dr and I told the doc that he goes through a small bota box of wine in two days. If you don't know, a bota box is equivalent to 2 bottles of wine. The doc said that is NOT good for anyone! I told h this and he says I blow it out of proportion, because he goes a week or so without it until we have money to buy more. He usually gets the large bota box (4 bottles of wine), which lasts him 4-5 days. I told him he is basically binge drinking and that is NOT good for his heart. I've come to the conclusion that he really just doesn't care anymore about anything. Don't get me wrong, he is a good man for the most part. He helps others and is compassionate when it comes to people in need or animals. And he doesn't like fighting. He will sometimes shut down if I start ranting. I have told him several times that if he gave me as much attention as he does the animals we would have less problems! But then again, he has the attention span of a 2 year old half the time and can be a real slob. It's like I'm raising a son again sometimes. He thinks that since he has a job now he shouldn't have to do anything, never mind that when he was unemployed and I was the only one working I was still doing the majority of the housework. I went through a really bad angry spell during the first 2 months of his unemployment. Whatever I thought just popped right out of my mouth. It caused a lot of tension, but I couldn't understand his laziness. We wanted to buy a house next year, but I am really nervous about that! |
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Post by takestwototango on Sept 27, 2017 18:21:35 GMT -5
Yeah, what makes is so sad is that I was so happy in the beginning, and then it was like some asshole came along and stuck a pin in my happy balloon. It happened so fast. I figured this would eventually happen, but in a decade or so, not months after the marriage. I don't know how some people live like this for 20-30 years. I just can't see being here like this for that long. Hi there TakesTwo You are in a fab place for some support friend. its a great sign that your tolerance for this is so low already... I honestly don't see you trapped for life with him! keep reading and posting. Let the journey to happiness commence... wherever that takes you xx Thanks, EO! I am still hoping that he will eventually change or we can get him some help, but I do not plan on living like this for much longer. It's just intolerable. I mentioned to him around 6 or so months ago about "outsourcing." He said definitely not, that if I did that he would divorce me. I told him that he needed to do something, then. And here I am. Not sure what tomorrow holds for now. He says he will get the t levels checked in 2-3 weeks, so we will see if he holds up that side of the bargain. |
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Post by baza on Sept 27, 2017 18:54:52 GMT -5
There are a couple of ways you can look at this -
#1 - you can assume that he has some bonafide, home run, slam dunk medical reason for his reluctance to engage you - and effectively leave you disenfranchised.
#2 - you can assume that he is simply not even remotely interested in engaging you for some other reason - which effectively leaves you disenfranchised.
Either way, you are effectively disenfranchised.
"Why" you are disenfranchised doesn't particularly matter as the "why" is in no way under your control. *You* can't fix it, it is not your problem to fix. It is *his* problem to fix - or not - as he chooses. And so far he chooses "not".
Your choice is a hard and harsh one.
Are you going to stay in a deal that is not delivering what you want, or not ?
Short term, the answer to that is probably "I'm staying".
It might be wise, given the current situation and his various health issues (that he isn't taking particularly seriously) to start thinking out a bit more medium to long term, to start giving a bit of thought to what you'd do and how you'd do it in the event of you no longer being together due to divorce or death.
Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how these scenarios might shake out for you would be a good idea.
You would at least be in possession of some facts that would help you make a fully informed choice about where you might go from here.
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Post by LITW on Sept 28, 2017 8:54:04 GMT -5
That was my experience too. It came as a huge shock that someone who seemed interested before all of a sudden couldn't care less. Yeah, I didn't get it at all and still don't. I think, maybe I'm wrong, that the longer he doesn't engage, the worse his ED gets. Anyone else know about that? I was celibate for 6 years before we got back together, voluntarily. But after getting married, I was rarin' to go, any time, any place, so I have a really hard time understanding why anyone would NOT want sex. But I was always like that before, too. I always had problems with men trying to keep up the pace. It's such a drag when the woman has a higher sex drive than a man. Being a man in a sexless marriage, I have no idea what would go though his mind (or not go though his mind) that would cause him to act that way. You are right about his ED though, just like any other physical attribute, its a use it or lose it kind of thing. In my own case, I dont have a problem achieving erection, but I have pretty much zero staying power ... as in less than 30 seconds, and then im done. I know if I had practice, I could turn that around, but practice requires a willing partner, which I don't have. I dont know if this will help you or not, but for what its worth, this is what I believe explains my wife's lack of interest: Like you, we were going at it 5-6 times a week in the beginning, but as soon as the ink was dry on our marriage license, she lost interest. I now believe she never had an interest, she just faked it to keep me interested until I married her. She wanted to marry me for security alone ... sex was not necessary, and therefore if any part of the relationship had to suffer, that was going to be it. Perhaps he married you for security ... to know he had someone. |
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