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Post by rejected101 on Sept 20, 2017 6:47:11 GMT -5
What are you views on this please.
It is harder for someone to increase their sexual activity beyond what would be their chosen perfection then it is for someone to decrease their sexual activity below what their chosen perfection would be.
Please explain why.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 20, 2017 7:02:33 GMT -5
I doubt that for most it would be hard to increase mastabatory frequency because that just involves oneself. However increasing frequency of sex with another person whom you don't want sex with is very hard because you can't force your body to get hard or wet when your every instinct is for the other person to stop touching you. You also would have to struggle to hide your feelings of dislike, revulsion, boredom or disinterest. After all, the point of sex is for 2 people to be intimately enjoying each other. That's impossible if you can't stand or are irritated by intimate touch by the other person.
I compare it to eating a food you loathe but is good for your health. You may be able to force yourself to choke it down. But you can't force yourself to eat that with pleasure.
Partners who have to force themselves to have sex with you will view it as a burden to up the frequency. What you experience as pleasureable is something they experience dread about. If they force themselves to do it more, they will feel resentful and just want it over. You can't make someone else sexually desire you. Because they want to maintain the marriage (for companionship, financial stability or other non sexual reasons), they will not explain to you the depth of their aversion to having sex with you.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 20, 2017 7:05:38 GMT -5
They are both hard in thier own way. My repressing my sexuality and dealing with the rejection lead to a depression that I will never let my self go back.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 20, 2017 7:09:43 GMT -5
I think it's harder for a person to increase, basically harder for a refuser to want to do something they don't want to do.
Emotionally, physiologically, and mentally it's tougher on the refused to decrease but none of these things are the tangible act we just have to deal or leave.
It's tough on both but I think it's tough for someone to do something they don't want to or don't like.
I'm not a skater, I will never go roller skating, not me.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 20, 2017 10:50:37 GMT -5
It is a mutually toxic situation.
Highly unlikely: Refuser / Asexual Partner forces her/himself to engage in sex. Starfish sex rings a bell here. Maybe faking it for a while.
More Likely than not: Refused stops asking and goes into some neurosis, here are two examples:
Choice A: "bad behavior" to compensate (porn addiction, outsourcing, etc.) this usually will only fulfill the "sex drive" and the need for intimacy being totally void, the Refused will compensate by ramping up the "Sex Drive" to more dangerous and crazy things . . . possible risk of approaching sex addiction.
Choice B: if depression sets in the Sex Drive goes down too, and eventually physical health. All areas of refused life turns black to one degree or another.
Choice C: Refused maybe finds new partner under a variety of circumstances and can fulfill both "Sex Drive" and basic need for Intimacy too. This can spin out of control if emotions get too involved, which they inevitably will.
Choice D . . .ad infinitum.
Food for Thought:
Can one willingly let go of one's libido? Can you throw it away and ignore it? I would submit - probably would only "Channel" the foresaken libido fulfillment into something else (Nietzsche's rejection of his mad crazy passionate love by Lou Salome certainly helped cause him to write his great philosophical works, though he did catch syphillis by compensating at whore houses as an example, he never loved again and died insane from the late stage of the disease but now is "immortal" as writers go).
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 20, 2017 13:02:26 GMT -5
This answer is something not everyone is comfortable about, but there might be another way.
Assuming that the couple does love each other, and they are sexually mismatched, the LL partner could help the HL partner find a third.
I have no experience being in a relationship where my woman's sex drive was something I could not gladly keep up with, but I doubt it would be as painful as forced celibacy.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 20, 2017 13:06:42 GMT -5
I think it's harder for a person to increase, basically harder for a refuser to want to do something they don't want to do. Emotionally, physiologically, and mentally it's tougher on the refused to decrease but none of these things are the tangible act we just have to deal or leave. It's tough on both but I think it's tough for someone to do something they don't want to or don't like. I'm not a skater, I will never go roller skating, not me. The LL partner, doing something they don't want to do, sucks for everyone involved. I don't think LL people even want to fix their problems, though. I don't think the idea of having a sex drive is in any way appealing to them. |
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Post by iceman on Sept 20, 2017 13:16:15 GMT -5
I feel that in the short term it's probably more difficult for the lower drive person to have sex than asking the higher drive person to not have sex. That happens all the time even with happily married couples. However, in the long term I feel that it's equally difficult for both 'sides'. The impact of each may manifest itself differently for each but they are equally painful in their own way. It comes to a question of compatibility. Almost every couple have differences in sex drives. Hopefully they are relatively small differences and it's acceptable for each person to compromise to accommodate the other. When the differences become unacceptable on a long term basis the compatibility of the couple has to be questioned.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 20, 2017 15:10:45 GMT -5
I think it's harder for a person to increase, basically harder for a refuser to want to do something they don't want to do. Emotionally, physiologically, and mentally it's tougher on the refused to decrease but none of these things are the tangible act we just have to deal or leave. It's tough on both but I think it's tough for someone to do something they don't want to or don't like. I'm not a skater, I will never go roller skating, not me. The LL partner, doing something they don't want to do, sucks for everyone involved. I don't think LL people even want to fix their problems, though. I don't think the idea of having a sex drive is in any way appealing to them. I agree, I just don't understand their wiring. |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 20, 2017 16:24:04 GMT -5
I think that there is another option. Not for everyone and not in all situations.
Communication and compromise.
Does it always have to be penetrative intercourse? If my health makes erections hard (see what I did there?) Would oral sex be a viable substitute? If I cant do that, can I use my hands? If I can't do that, can I hold my partner as she masturbates, whispering into her ear how beautiful she is and how wonderful?
Would that be enough?
I'm not sure.
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2017 17:25:51 GMT -5
I think that there is another option. Not for everyone and not in all situations. Communication and compromise. Does it always have to be penetrative intercourse? If my health makes erections hard (see what I did there?) Would oral sex be a viable substitute? If I cant do that, can I use my hands? If I can't do that, can I hold my partner as she masturbates, whispering into her ear how beautiful she is and how wonderful? Would that be enough? I'm not sure. It would certainly be enough for me. I would love to have regular oral and manual sexual encounters instead. I'm aware that there are health issues that make penetrative sex difficult for my W. I have told her many times that I would be ok with alternative activities. The problem is her willingness to perform those activities. I'm completely ok with compromise. I'm more than willing to meet her halfway. If only she was willing to do the same... |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 20, 2017 17:35:15 GMT -5
I think that there is another option. Not for everyone and not in all situations. Communication and compromise. Does it always have to be penetrative intercourse? If my health makes erections hard (see what I did there?) Would oral sex be a viable substitute? If I cant do that, can I use my hands? If I can't do that, can I hold my partner as she masturbates, whispering into her ear how beautiful she is and how wonderful? Would that be enough? I'm not sure. It would certainly be enough for me. I would love to have regular oral and manual sexual encounters instead. I'm aware that there are health issues that make penetrative sex difficult for my W. I have told her many times that I would be ok with alternative activities. The problem is her willingness to perform those activities. I'm completely ok with compromise. I'm more than willing to meet her halfway. If only she was willing to do the same... I totally understand that. The Frigidaire thinks that compromise means I do what she wants without an argument. More importantly..... What does that tell us? It told me that the REAL issue isn't health or "mood", it's me. I'm at peace with this. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 20, 2017 20:13:32 GMT -5
If the compromise options were on the table and easily and willingly available, I don't think I would have gone thru my depression. There is so much more then PIV to sex and physical intimacy.
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Post by baza on Sept 20, 2017 20:37:42 GMT -5
In most of lifes' pursuits I think it is harder to raise your intensity level (in any sustainable sense) than it is to lower it.
Applying this general observation to a subject like marital sex, I think it would be harder to raise ones level of desire (in any sustainable sense) than it would be to lower ones level of desire.
The anecdotal evidence within this group would tend to support this arguement.
You don't see too many stories in here of a refuser spouse being able to raise their sexual desire level (in any sustainable sense)
You DO see a lot of stories in here where the refused spouse IS able to re-calibrate their sexual desire and cope with reduced levels.They may re-calibrate in a surly unhappy and resentful manner, but they DO re-calibrate it.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Sept 20, 2017 21:47:21 GMT -5
Sometimes it really is just mismatched libido in the beginning that turns into regret, rejection, and other negative emotions. One of the major problems is that the LL partner is too often see by society as the "victim". Outsourcing, divorce, even just plain old fights over sex are seen by many as the fault of the HL partner. Until that societal issue ceases to be so one-sided many of us will continue to fear divorce.
It does not matter which is "more difficult" to "fix". It is up to the refused to make the choice to accept it or not because the refuser will often not see a problem with the sexual frequency; only a problem with the so-called nagging.
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