Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 14:29:32 GMT -5
After reading so many stories here I think I´m finally ready to share mine…
Let me introduce myself first… I´m a 35 years old Brazilian woman and I´m living in a SM for 7 years now.
Well, it took me some time to realize that I´m living in a SM cause is so hard not to be able to talk about it with friends or family… But I just knew that things were wrong in my marriage after sex become so rare.
We don’t have sex for 13 months now, and before that we had sex to conceive our daughter (she is 2 yo now). I can´t remember before that period, but I can tell for sure that I got pregnant, then no sex during pregnancy and no sex during her first year… So in the last 2 years I had sex once!
I dated my husband for 6 years before we marry. He was the first man of my life. At the time we use to have sex once a week, cause we didn´t have more available time with college and work. I can say that my sexual inexperience and the crazy love that I felt for him made me blind for signs that were always there…
1) No sex in wedding night – ok, we were tired
2) No sex during honeymoon – huumm. Tired too??
3) Even married we used to have sex once a week – why?? I´m dumb, I don’t know.
4) Most of the time the sex happened only because I wanted
Then after 2 or 3 years the sex happened once a month… and began to run low over the time.
And the worst thing started to happen. He became a refuser. He was always too tired or with headache… I believe everyone here knows this terrible feeling of being rejected for the one you love. So I stopped to ask or beg for sex, until I decide to have a child. It took me only 2 months begging for sex to get pregnant.
About a year ago I started to have some depression symptoms… and now I can see that his rejection is the main cause. But although he rejects me sexually he does everything for me and my daughter and this is making me suffer. I had a talk with him 2 months ago about it but he cried and said he loves me and desires me, but I know isn’t true. He doesn’t touch me for over a year!
I´m looking forward for a divorce cause I believe in the importance of sex for a marriage – as I read recently, the sex isn’t the most important thing but if sex doesn’t exist in a marriage, the most intimate moment a couple can have, it will only left the a friendship. I don’t need to be married to be friend with him… That’s what I think but I´m having a hard time to make the decision.
At the same time I must say how guilty I´m feeling to have made the decision to get pregnant, cause I can´t stop thinking in how painful will be for my daughter to have divorced parents.
Well, I think I wrote a lot for know
Thank you all for reading
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 6, 2017 14:39:32 GMT -5
Your daughter may find it more painful if you stay together. As the resentment builds over time, the two of you may not be so friendly.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 6, 2017 14:52:37 GMT -5
You are "why" chasing, why this, why that, and so forth. This is a phase that can go on for a long time but in reality it will get you nowhere.
My first thought was maybe he has madonna whore complex, but it doesn't seem like it given the timing of the baby.
Maybe he is asexual, bisexual, homosexual, or hasn't defined his sexuality (that would be troubling). Maybe he has experienced sexual trauma. But whatever the case may be, "he doesn't want you, he just wants you around". I think the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will stop the why chasing (its a waste of time)
Also don't think too much about whether he loves you or not. It might be that he does in fact love you but not in the way you need him to. Or not in a way that meets your physical needs.
It sounds like you have already had a "talk" with him about the issue which is good. Now you need to decide if his actions (or inaction) justify staying in the marriage.
If you are thinking about divorce, the best thing to do is to put a plan together. Read shamwow's T-minus thread. That will give you some ideas.
In a nutshell, having a plan means,
1.talk to a lawyer
2.figure out finances
3.What does the custody agreement look like
4 Where will you live
5. Build a support group. These are people who will champion you and carry you when you are down
5. Think about timing (it could be 1 year, 2 years, 5 years etc) In your case it might be better to do it while the child is young.
It seems like a lot to do but if you break it up into manageable pieces, its a worthwhile exercise.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 14:57:11 GMT -5
After reading so many stories here I think I´m finally ready to share mine… Let me introduce myself first… I´m a 35 years old Brazilian woman and I´m living in a SM for 7 years now. Well, it took me some time to realize that I´m living in a SM cause is so hard not to be able to talk about it with friends or family… But I just knew that things were wrong in my marriage after sex become so rare. We don’t have sex for 13 months now, and before that we had sex to conceive our daughter (she is 2 yo now). I can´t remember before that period, but I can tell for sure that I got pregnant, then no sex during pregnancy and no sex during her first year… So in the last 2 years I had sex once! I dated my husband for 6 years before we marry. He was the first man of my life. At the time we use to have sex once a week, cause we didn´t have more available time with college and work. I can say that my sexual inexperience and the crazy love that I felt for him made me blind for signs that were always there… 1) No sex in wedding night – ok, we were tired 2) No sex during honeymoon – huumm. Tired too?? 3) Even married we used to have sex once a week – why?? I´m dumb, I don’t know. 4) Most of the time the sex happened only because I wanted Then after 2 or 3 years the sex happened once a month… and began to run low over the time. And the worst thing started to happen. He became a refuser. He was always too tired or with headache… I believe everyone here knows this terrible feeling of being rejected for the one you love. So I stopped to ask or beg for sex, until I decide to have a child. It took me only 2 months begging for sex to get pregnant. About a year ago I started to have some depression symptoms… and now I can see that his rejection is the main cause. But although he rejects me sexually he does everything for me and my daughter and this is making me suffer. I had a talk with him 2 months ago about it but he cried and said he loves me and desires me, but I know isn’t true. He doesn’t touch me for over a year! I´m looking forward for a divorce cause I believe in the importance of sex for a marriage – as I read recently, the sex isn’t the most important thing but if sex doesn’t exist in a marriage, the most intimate moment a couple can have, it will only left the a friendship. I don’t need to be married to be friend with him… That’s what I think but I´m having a hard time to make the decision. At the same time I must say how guilty I´m feeling to have made the decision to get pregnant, cause I can´t stop thinking in how painful will be for my daughter to have divorced parents. Well, I think I wrote a lot for know Thank you all for reading Sorry to welcome you to a club nobody wants to be a member of. So the sex was weekly before you got married. On the honeymoon nothing, then weekly again, monthly, and then nothing? The on-off nature doesn't sound like a medical condition. But in the end, if he doesn't have desire, they "why" question does not matter. There have been some recent discussions in some of the other threads about how divorce impacts kids. I'd say that it is never easy on them, but also usually not as traumatic as we fear it will be. I know that even though the jury is still out, I've been able to be more authentic with my kids now that I don't have to play out a lie (of a healthy marriage) in front of them. There are negatives, but there are also positives. If you've been following here for a while, you know your three choices: - Stay - Leave - Cheat All of those are valid choices for people in your situation, but you should probably see an attorney in your area since any advice you get here will probably be heavy towards the American / European perspective which might not be appropriate for Brazil. Although I guess you could always get Royce Gracie over and choke some sense into your husband  |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Sept 6, 2017 15:04:16 GMT -5
Gosh your story is so similar to my early years minus the child. Took ten years for me to get pregnant, but I can totally relate. I was married 23 years, faithful for 21 and celibate the last 13.
There is life after divorce and children are resilient.
Talk to an attorney to get educated to know if divorce is even an option.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 6, 2017 15:07:36 GMT -5
By the way, I wouldn't mention to your husband that you are planning on leaving until you have a solid plan and your mind is fully made up. Otherwise, you will lose credibility if you say you want a divorce but are not prepared to follow through with it. You are "why" chasing, why this, why that, and so forth. This is a phase that can go on for a long time but in reality it will get you nowhere. My first thought was maybe he has madonna whore complex, but it doesn't seem like it given the timing of the baby. Maybe his is asexual, bisexual, homosexual, or hasn't defined his sexuality (that would be troubling). Maybe he has experienced sexual trauma. But whatever the case may be, "he doesn't want you, he just wants you around". I think the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will stop the why chasing (its a waste of time) Also don't think too much about whether he loves you or not. It might be that he does in fact love you but not in the way you need him to. Or not in a way that meets your physical needs. It sounds like you have already had a "talk" with him about the issue which is good. Now you need to decide if his actions (or inaction) justify staying in the marriage. If you are thinking about divorce, the best thing to do is to put a plan together. Read shamwow's T-minus thread. That will give you some ideas. In a nutshell, having a plan means, 1.talk to a lawyer 2.figure out finances 3.What does the custody agreement look like 4 Where will you live 5. Build a support group. These are people who will champion you and carry you when you are down 5. Think about timing (it could be 1 year, 2 years, 5 years etc) In your case it might be better to do it while the child is young. It seems like a lot to do but if you break it up into manageable pieces, its a worthwhile exercise. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 15:32:23 GMT -5
Your daughter may find it more painful if you stay together. As the resentment builds over time, the two of you may not be so friendly. Yes, I know but is hard to think about it now... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 15:43:12 GMT -5
You are "why" chasing, why this, why that, and so forth. This is a phase that can go on for a long time but in reality it will get you nowhere. My first thought was maybe he has madonna whore complex, but it doesn't seem like it given the timing of the baby. Maybe his is asexual, bisexual, homosexual, or hasn't defined his sexuality (that would be troubling). Maybe he has experienced sexual trauma. But whatever the case may be, "he doesn't want you, he just wants you around". I think the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will stop the why chasing (its a waste of time) Also don't think too much about whether he loves you or not. It might be that he does in fact love you but not in the way you need him to. Or not in a way that meets your physical needs. It sounds like you have already had a "talk" with him about the issue which is good. Now you need to decide if his actions (or inaction) justify staying in the marriage. If you are thinking about divorce, the best thing to do is to put a plan together. Read shamwow's T-minus thread. That will give you some ideas. In a nutshell, having a plan means, 1.talk to a lawyer 2.figure out finances 3.What does the custody agreement look like 4 Where will you live 5. Build a support group. These are people who will champion you and carry you when you are down 5. Think about timing (it could be 1 year, 2 years, 5 years etc) In your case it might be better to do it while the child is young. It seems like a lot to do but if you break it up into manageable pieces, its a worthwhile exercise. Oh, I think you´re right. I need to stop to feel so guilty about everything. And yes, I´m already making my plans about the divorce, but its being so hard. I will read the posts you mentioned. Thank you so much! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 15:51:37 GMT -5
After reading so many stories here I think I´m finally ready to share mine… Let me introduce myself first… I´m a 35 years old Brazilian woman and I´m living in a SM for 7 years now. Well, it took me some time to realize that I´m living in a SM cause is so hard not to be able to talk about it with friends or family… But I just knew that things were wrong in my marriage after sex become so rare. We don’t have sex for 13 months now, and before that we had sex to conceive our daughter (she is 2 yo now). I can´t remember before that period, but I can tell for sure that I got pregnant, then no sex during pregnancy and no sex during her first year… So in the last 2 years I had sex once! I dated my husband for 6 years before we marry. He was the first man of my life. At the time we use to have sex once a week, cause we didn´t have more available time with college and work. I can say that my sexual inexperience and the crazy love that I felt for him made me blind for signs that were always there… 1) No sex in wedding night – ok, we were tired 2) No sex during honeymoon – huumm. Tired too?? 3) Even married we used to have sex once a week – why?? I´m dumb, I don’t know. 4) Most of the time the sex happened only because I wanted Then after 2 or 3 years the sex happened once a month… and began to run low over the time. And the worst thing started to happen. He became a refuser. He was always too tired or with headache… I believe everyone here knows this terrible feeling of being rejected for the one you love. So I stopped to ask or beg for sex, until I decide to have a child. It took me only 2 months begging for sex to get pregnant. About a year ago I started to have some depression symptoms… and now I can see that his rejection is the main cause. But although he rejects me sexually he does everything for me and my daughter and this is making me suffer. I had a talk with him 2 months ago about it but he cried and said he loves me and desires me, but I know isn’t true. He doesn’t touch me for over a year! I´m looking forward for a divorce cause I believe in the importance of sex for a marriage – as I read recently, the sex isn’t the most important thing but if sex doesn’t exist in a marriage, the most intimate moment a couple can have, it will only left the a friendship. I don’t need to be married to be friend with him… That’s what I think but I´m having a hard time to make the decision. At the same time I must say how guilty I´m feeling to have made the decision to get pregnant, cause I can´t stop thinking in how painful will be for my daughter to have divorced parents. Well, I think I wrote a lot for know Thank you all for reading Sorry to welcome you to a club nobody wants to be a member of. So the sex was weekly before you got married. On the honeymoon nothing, then weekly again, monthly, and then nothing? The on-off nature doesn't sound like a medical condition. But in the end, if he doesn't have desire, they "why" question does not matter. There have been some recent discussions in some of the other threads about how divorce impacts kids. I'd say that it is never easy on them, but also usually not as traumatic as we fear it will be. I know that even though the jury is still out, I've been able to be more authentic with my kids now that I don't have to play out a lie (of a healthy marriage) in front of them. There are negatives, but there are also positives. If you've been following here for a while, you know your three choices: - Stay - Leave - Cheat All of those are valid choices for people in your situation, but you should probably see an attorney in your area since any advice you get here will probably be heavy towards the American / European perspective which might not be appropriate for Brazil. Although I guess you could always get Royce Gracie over and choke some sense into your husband Well, I would be lying if I said I didn´t think about the three choices! But at the moment I´m thinking a lot about the "leave" option. About the divorce impacting in kids, I believe my daughter would suffer less if it were done while she is little... And I will try to do what I think will be best for her and for me too. Thank you! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 15:54:54 GMT -5
Gosh your story is so similar to my early years minus the child. Took ten years for me to get pregnant, but I can totally relate. I was married 23 years, faithful for 21 and celibate the last 13. There is life after divorce and children are resilient. Talk to an attorney to get educated to know if divorce is even an option. I´m so sorry to know you had a similar story. No one should go through this... That´s all I want to hear now: That there´s life after divorce and the kids will be fine! Thank you! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Sept 6, 2017 15:57:46 GMT -5
Gosh your story is so similar to my early years minus the child. Took ten years for me to get pregnant, but I can totally relate. I was married 23 years, faithful for 21 and celibate the last 13. There is life after divorce and children are resilient. Talk to an attorney to get educated to know if divorce is even an option. I´m so sorry to know you had a similar story. No one should go through this... That´s all I want to hear now: That there´s life after divorce and the kids will be fine! Thank you! Hugs honey Xoxo You need that too!! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 16:49:09 GMT -5
I´m so sorry to know you had a similar story. No one should go through this... That´s all I want to hear now: That there´s life after divorce and the kids will be fine! Thank you! I have to tell you that I waited until my kids were grown before divorcing. I think it was the best decision because when I realized that my marriage sucked, my oldest was in middle school, and my youngest was in 1st grade. So at that age, I think it would have been devastating to the oldest, but the youngest would have been able to grow up with divorced parents and it would have seemed normal. I say that because my sister divorced when her sons were 2 & 4 and they adjusted really well. shamwow wrote a lot about the effects of divorce on kids today & I am going to quote him here in red. I think his thoughts are quite impressive (please don't tell him I said that, he is arrogant enough already, LOL!) - Divorce is traumatic to children. Yes, even an amicable divorce can be traumatic to children. But life can be traumatic too. We have a tendency to "helicopter parent" our kids, shielding them from all harm. They get "participation trophies" so nobody feels bad. It doesn't work, folks. Kids know early on that good things happen and bad things happen. Just as participation trophies prevent kids from learning sportsmanship (how to win gracefully and lose gracefully), sparing them from every bad thing doesn't give them the necessary tools to deal with the bad things that WILL happen to them in the real world.
- It will cause lasting harm. When you tell the kids you and mom are getting divorced, they are amazingly predictable. Just imagine the most self-centered questions you can, and those will be asked. They will care about moving, being able to keep their friends, their school, their pets. Even if all of these were to change? It will not cause any lasting harm. From what I can tell, kids are amazingly flexible creatures. They will adapt quickly to the "new normal" without lasting harm. That being said, if Mom and Dad are complete assholes to each other, they will learn that their parents have failings too. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
- Therefore, it should be avoided until the kids are out of the house. If you believe divorce will be traumatic and cause lasting harm, it follows that you should defer it until it "can't affect them anymore". Basically, the college plan. The problem with this is that if you have this in mind, it shows in everything you do. What is worse. A quick, but severe break to a bone that will heal once set, or a series of fractures to the same bone month after month, year after year. There are very few examples where extending pain has been helpful.
- This should be done even if you have to martyr yourself to do it. The longer you martyr yourself for your children, the more likely you will cope with your misery in increasingly poor ways. My methods of choice were primarily addiction to alcohol and porn. I'm pretty sure I hid the porn addition, although there were sometimes questions regarding why Dad is in the bathroom so long. I am pretty sure I was unable to hide my alcohol addiction. Very few of us have true martyr blood in their veins. We will cope in some way or another, and almost all of those ways are bad. Invariably, when you split, your kids will eventually say "why didn't you leave earlier?"
Now that my marriage is over, my children are not traumatized husks. They still typical 16 year old and 13 year olds. When home, they spend time in their rooms chatting with friends. They play video games. They do the same activities they always have. They get along with both Mom and I. I no longer need to "cope" with my marriage. I can be more present for them. And when they are with me, I can try to raise them to be the adults I want them to become.
This last point is key. Odds are that if you are an active parent, you disagree with your spouse on some manners of child rearing. This is especially true if you are the dad (we are usually silenced). In the nearly 2 months, since my divorce, my children have learned to do their first loads of laundry. They have learned how to do the dishes. They have learned to make their beds. They have been permitted the independence to drive to a different city alone. These are skills they will NEED when they go out into the world. They are also skills that Mrs. ShamWow REFUSED to teach. Guess what? The kids are not just open to this kind of thing, but actually seem to enjoy it.
I am so glad you are here. It is wonderful to get support from people who have been there. I only wish the internet had been around back in 1988, when I had just gotten married, and did not fuck on my honeymoon. I could have divorced and saved myself decades of misery. However, I would have missed out on my beautiful Kimmie, who has made me so happy. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Sept 6, 2017 22:45:12 GMT -5
@feelingrejected, you're still young, your child is young, and you still have an opportunity to build your family with a man who desires you. The deeper you dig the hole, the harder it is to get out.
Like you, we didn't have much opportunity for intimacy when dating, and who doesn't like sex? Surely, it would be much better when we married and moved out of our parents' homes. It wasn't. I didn't know what was wrong, and I agonized 20+ years trying to figure out how I was so undesirable.
My hole is dug very deep now, so my strategy is to try and stay and cope. Even knowing it's not me, it's still hard. I'm more at peace with who I am now, but that doesn't make me less lonely when I need intimacy.
Don't be me. Tackle this problem head-on and deal with it sooner than later.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 12:43:41 GMT -5
I´m so sorry to know you had a similar story. No one should go through this... That´s all I want to hear now: That there´s life after divorce and the kids will be fine! Thank you! I have to tell you that I waited until my kids were grown before divorcing. I think it was the best decision because when I realized that my marriage sucked, my oldest was in middle school, and my youngest was in 1st grade. So at that age, I think it would have been devastating to the oldest, but the youngest would have been able to grow up with divorced parents and it would have seemed normal. I say that because my sister divorced when her sons were 2 & 4 and they adjusted really well. shamwow wrote a lot about the effects of divorce on kids today & I am going to quote him here in red. I think his thoughts are quite impressive (please don't tell him I said that, he is arrogant enough already, LOL!) - Divorce is traumatic to children. Yes, even an amicable divorce can be traumatic to children. But life can be traumatic too. We have a tendency to "helicopter parent" our kids, shielding them from all harm. They get "participation trophies" so nobody feels bad. It doesn't work, folks. Kids know early on that good things happen and bad things happen. Just as participation trophies prevent kids from learning sportsmanship (how to win gracefully and lose gracefully), sparing them from every bad thing doesn't give them the necessary tools to deal with the bad things that WILL happen to them in the real world.
- It will cause lasting harm. When you tell the kids you and mom are getting divorced, they are amazingly predictable. Just imagine the most self-centered questions you can, and those will be asked. They will care about moving, being able to keep their friends, their school, their pets. Even if all of these were to change? It will not cause any lasting harm. From what I can tell, kids are amazingly flexible creatures. They will adapt quickly to the "new normal" without lasting harm. That being said, if Mom and Dad are complete assholes to each other, they will learn that their parents have failings too. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
- Therefore, it should be avoided until the kids are out of the house. If you believe divorce will be traumatic and cause lasting harm, it follows that you should defer it until it "can't affect them anymore". Basically, the college plan. The problem with this is that if you have this in mind, it shows in everything you do. What is worse. A quick, but severe break to a bone that will heal once set, or a series of fractures to the same bone month after month, year after year. There are very few examples where extending pain has been helpful.
- This should be done even if you have to martyr yourself to do it. The longer you martyr yourself for your children, the more likely you will cope with your misery in increasingly poor ways. My methods of choice were primarily addiction to alcohol and porn. I'm pretty sure I hid the porn addition, although there were sometimes questions regarding why Dad is in the bathroom so long. I am pretty sure I was unable to hide my alcohol addiction. Very few of us have true martyr blood in their veins. We will cope in some way or another, and almost all of those ways are bad. Invariably, when you split, your kids will eventually say "why didn't you leave earlier?"
Now that my marriage is over, my children are not traumatized husks. They still typical 16 year old and 13 year olds. When home, they spend time in their rooms chatting with friends. They play video games. They do the same activities they always have. They get along with both Mom and I. I no longer need to "cope" with my marriage. I can be more present for them. And when they are with me, I can try to raise them to be the adults I want them to become.
This last point is key. Odds are that if you are an active parent, you disagree with your spouse on some manners of child rearing. This is especially true if you are the dad (we are usually silenced). In the nearly 2 months, since my divorce, my children have learned to do their first loads of laundry. They have learned how to do the dishes. They have learned to make their beds. They have been permitted the independence to drive to a different city alone. These are skills they will NEED when they go out into the world. They are also skills that Mrs. ShamWow REFUSED to teach. Guess what? The kids are not just open to this kind of thing, but actually seem to enjoy it.
I am so glad you are here. It is wonderful to get support from people who have been there. I only wish the internet had been around back in 1988, when I had just gotten married, and did not fuck on my honeymoon. I could have divorced and saved myself decades of misery. However, I would have missed out on my beautiful Kimmie, who has made me so happy. Thank you so much flashjohn. I'm glad I'm here too and all of you are giving me the support I need now... I've been reading all comments to my post with tears in my eyes cause I never expected to experience a SM or a divorce in my life... I was the fool girl that aways thought the marriage would last forever and now all I want is to do what I think will be the best for me and my daughter. I'm feeling so grateful for all advices I'm getting ❤️ |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 12:50:48 GMT -5
@feelingrejected, you're still young, your child is young, and you still have an opportunity to build your family with a man who desires you. The deeper you dig the hole, the harder it is to get out. Like you, we didn't have much opportunity for intimacy when dating, and who doesn't like sex? Surely, it would be much better when we married and moved out of our parents' homes. It wasn't. I didn't know what was wrong, and I agonized 20+ years trying to figure out how I was so undesirable. My hole is dug very deep now, so my strategy is to try and stay and cope. Even knowing it's not me, it's still hard. I'm more at peace with who I am now, but that doesn't make me less lonely when I need intimacy. Don't be me. Tackle this problem head-on and deal with it sooner than later. Hi Drycreek, thank you for your words! I think the major problem to all of us in the same situation is not to dig the hole, but is a hard thing when we are feeling so rejected and undesirable... I expect to get out of my hole soon and I wish you can find a way to get out of yours too. Yes, I know how is to feel lonely but at least now I have my new friends here to give me the support I need. My best wishes for you |
|
