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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 17:03:00 GMT -5
I recently turned 40, H is mid 50’s. We’ve been together for 10 years, dated 3 and married 7. We had sex a few times while dating and none after getting married. I cannot exactly pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness, it maybe medical and we both think he is asexual, because there is no desire sexually. He’s been on beta blockers for too long and he’s had some heart issues. He was prescribed testosterone, and ed medication, but nothing changed. He doesn’t want to do counseling, it makes no difference to me really whether we go or not. This paragraph speaks volumes. He had sex with you before you married, then refused after. This gave you a false impression that you would have some sex during the relationship. Basically, he lied to you to get you to marry him. It is NOT your job to pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness. It is his job to find out and do something about it. If he is not, he is cheating you out of the most basic part of marriage. Ok, he was prescribed meds for testosterone & ED. Is he taking them? If he is, has he spoken to a doctor about why they are not working? The fact that he doesn't want to do counseling is the most troublesome. This means that he does not care that you are deprived and miserable. He refuses to even talk about possible solution with a disinterested third party. And yes, I read that you don't think you are good with money. This can be remedied. You can educate yourself and become better with money. If anyone else can do it, so can you. I am glad you are here. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 6, 2017 19:10:09 GMT -5
I recently turned 40, H is mid 50’s. We’ve been together for 10 years, dated 3 and married 7. We had sex a few times while dating and none after getting married. I cannot exactly pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness, it maybe medical and we both think he is asexual, because there is no desire sexually. He’s been on beta blockers for too long and he’s had some heart issues. He was prescribed testosterone, and ed medication, but nothing changed. He doesn’t want to do counseling, it makes no difference to me really whether we go or not. This paragraph speaks volumes. He had sex with you before you married, then refused after. This gave you a false impression that you would have some sex during the relationship. Basically, he lied to you to get you to marry him. It is NOT your job to pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness. It is his job to find out and do something about it. If he is not, he is cheating you out of the most basic part of marriage. Ok, he was prescribed meds for testosterone & ED. Is he taking them? If he is, has he spoken to a doctor about why they are not working? The fact that he doesn't want to do counseling is the most troublesome. This means that he does not care that you are deprived and miserable. He refuses to even talk about possible solution with a disinterested third party. And yes, I read that you don't think you are good with money. This can be remedied. You can educate yourself and become better with money. If anyone else can do it, so can you. I am glad you are here. Great points! Your advice is always spot on! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 19:21:52 GMT -5
A lot of good advice. Really Good. I just ask a question
What will cause more psychological and other harm over the long run to you:
A) Denying your sexuality and need for intimacy and connecting (taking an involuntary oath of celibacy)
B) Risks of getting caught (all these risks can be managed by the way - find a trustworthy person, heck even get tested for STDs/HIV, use a condom, etc. cover your tracks, etc.)
I sit here and I cannot even imagine the level of hopelessness if I promised myself - No more sex, no more intimacy for the rest of my life indefinitely. What a nightmare.
Sorry that you seem to be in the club nobody wants to join. Welcome. Courage and Blessings!!!
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Post by baza on Sept 6, 2017 23:24:07 GMT -5
I'll pass on commenting on your marital situation Sister pixie . You seem fairly financially oblivious at the moment, so I offer you this. Unless you and your spouse are immortal, your marriage IS going to end. Death or divorce will end your marriage. So whether your marriage is "made in heaven" or "a complete shambles", it is imperative that you know what you would do and how you would do it when you find yourself not married. You need to know YOUR financial position, your spouses financial position, and the joint financial position. You need to know how things would shake out for you in the event of you suddenly finding yourself not married. This, is a responsibility of any adult person and you need to get pro-active about it, irrespective of what your marriage is like. Financial knowledge and independence is a *must have*. This is even more important when the marriage is shakey, as your risk of the marriage ending in divorce is greatly increased. It is critical that you garner the knowledge of how such an event would - theoretically - shake out for you. You need to know how your spouses death would shake out for you. You need to know who'd get what of your assets if it is you who croaks first. You need to know how your kid would be affected by such events too. Suggestion. Gather up as much of the financial information as you can. And see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to run those 3 scenarios past her/him (a) - your death (b) - your spouses death (c) - divorce As far as your marriage goes, who knows how it will pan out. There is bugger all that you can do about your spouses issues as they are matters beyond your control. But you CAN start gathering the financial information and putting some contingency plans together to cover the above scenarios. That IS a matter you can control. |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 7, 2017 6:39:07 GMT -5
pixie, there is great advice and support for you in this thread. The remarks by baza are quite pertinent. Your financial situation per your own admission is precarious. Often in this forum we suggest counseling to address relationship issues. The same advise can be applied to financial issues. You can seek guidance as to why you are bad with money and techniques to become good with money. In your large city there is a plethora of available services in many price ranges. Your daughter is 15 and will soon be dealing with her own sexuality. What advise would you give her if she ends up involved with someone who is asexual? Is that the same advise you should be giving yourself?
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Post by csl on Sept 7, 2017 8:03:07 GMT -5
No FWB for me. I don't like the idea of doing it with a friend too much complications even if it's probably a safer option. Sybian? |
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pixie
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 9:41:01 GMT -5
I recently turned 40, H is mid 50’s. We’ve been together for 10 years, dated 3 and married 7. We had sex a few times while dating and none after getting married. I cannot exactly pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness, it maybe medical and we both think he is asexual, because there is no desire sexually. He’s been on beta blockers for too long and he’s had some heart issues. He was prescribed testosterone, and ed medication, but nothing changed. He doesn’t want to do counseling, it makes no difference to me really whether we go or not. This paragraph speaks volumes. He had sex with you before you married, then refused after. This gave you a false impression that you would have some sex during the relationship. Basically, he lied to you to get you to marry him. Hmmm, he did not refuse. We tried did not work.You don't walk in my shoes so perhaps we can tone down the prejudice. It is NOT your job to pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness. It is his job to find out and do something about it. If he is not, he is cheating you out of the most basic part of marriage. We don't work on I's or YOU's all the time in our relationship. We work on WE, passive aggressive, blaming and other negativity will not help us.Ok, he was prescribed meds for testosterone & ED. Is he taking them? If he is, has he spoken to a doctor about why they are not working? Yes & yesThe fact that he doesn't want to do counseling is the most troublesome. This means that he does not care that you are deprived and miserable. He refuses to even talk about possible solution with a disinterested third party. Didn't bother me, didn't find it troublesome. Please read my previous posts, you will find that I mentioned we communicate openly, discussed different options, so no refusing whatsoever. I chose not to engage in FWB or anything of that sort.
And yes, I read that you don't think you are good with money. This can be remedied. You can educate yourself and become better with money. If anyone else can do it, so can you. When I say I am not good with money, I meant I spend impulsively. But this does not mean I don't know anything about it. It's just ever since we got together my financial portfolios tripled and became better. I know what I have and what I will get and should get in case of divorce.
I am glad you are here. Thank you |
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pixie
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 10:03:18 GMT -5
I'll pass on commenting on your marital situation Sister pixie . Thank you, LOL!  You seem fairly financially oblivious at the moment, so I offer you this. Not really, but thank you.
Unless you and your spouse are immortal, your marriage IS going to end. TrueDeath or divorce will end your marriage. TrueSo whether your marriage is "made in heaven" or "a complete shambles", it is imperative that you know what you would do and how you would do it when you find yourself not married. Agreed and aware, Helped my aunt with probate court etc. when her husband died so I have an idea.You need to know YOUR financial position, your spouses financial position, and the joint financial position. I do, I am aware and made aware.You need to know how things would shake out for you in the event of you suddenly finding yourself not married. Yes, I knowThis, is a responsibility of any adult person and you need to get pro-active about it, irrespective of what your marriage is like. Financial knowledge and independence is a *must have*. A greed. When I say I am bad with money, it means that i spend impulsively. It does not mean that I am oblivious regarding my and our financial status. When my husband took care of the finances, he increased the value of my financial portfolio and more financially savvy than I am. I know what I have, what I will get and what I should get in case of divorce or death. He was able to help me put aside money for my daughter's education which was great. It makes more sense for him to do it. This is even more important when the marriage is shakey, as your risk of the marriage ending in divorce is greatly increased. It is critical that you garner the knowledge of how such an event would - theoretically - shake out for you. You need to know how your spouses death would shake out for you. The will, will take care of that.You need to know who'd get what of your assets if it is you who croaks first. My husband has more assets than I do.You need to know how your kid would be affected by such events too. TrueSuggestion. Gather up as much of the financial information as you can. I have, I know all our financial information/status, individually and as a family. And see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to run those 3 scenarios past her/him (a) - your death - will(b) - your spouses death - will(c) - divorce - pre-nup
As far as your marriage goes, who knows how it will pan out. There is bugger all that you can do about your spouses issues as they are matters beyond your control. But you CAN start gathering the financial information and putting some contingency plans together to cover the above scenarios. That IS a matter you can control. Thank you, I just realized I knew more than I thought I've known.  |
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pixie
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 10:09:43 GMT -5
pixie , there is great advice and support for you in this thread. The remarks by baza are quite pertinent. Your financial situation per your own admission is precarious. I cleared this out in a couple of posts ahead.Often in this forum we suggest counseling to address relationship issues. The same advise can be applied to financial issues. You can seek guidance as to why you are bad with money and techniques to become good with money. In your large city there is a plethora of available services in many price ranges. Agreed, please read previous post for reference.
Your daughter is 15 and will soon be dealing with her own sexuality. What advise would you give her if she ends up involved with someone who is asexual? Is that the same advise you should be giving yourself? Yes, it's the same advise. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 7, 2017 15:24:39 GMT -5
Pixie, I, too spent impulsively when I was in my sm. It was a passive aggressive way of demonstrating anger at my refuser. Once I decided to divorce and started the paperwork, my financial impulsivity stopped.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 7, 2017 16:29:15 GMT -5
pixie, I can understand why you would not want a divorce. I've resisted divorce too, basically because my wife could not survive on her own and I can't afford two places. However, I have encountered two problems that are very common to many in this group. The first is the lack self worth. I can't help but wonder why my wife isn't attracted to me, and my male ego takes a dive. Fortunately, I have had two affairs. Both were with attractive women who thought I was attractive too. It may be wrong, but the affairs are what I needed. The second is the resentment I feel towards my wife. She is normally a sweet person. But I really resent how her fears have affected our sex life. When I am not angry, I am distant from her. Any desire I have had for her has left. It's just too frustrating to pursue a sexual relationship with her. I told her she would have to initiate sex, because I won't anymore. There are other issues as well, especially her physical and mental health. But both the resentment and the damage to the ego have weighed on me and affected all parts of my life. I need friends, both sexual and otherwise, to maintain my own mental health. As for affair partners (APs for newcomers), I cannot see having one with anyone who is either a friend or fast becoming one. Not only is there too much risk involved with someone I can't trust, but the sex consistently gets better with a friend. One of my APs had an autistic child as I do, and we helped each other through that. In fact, we still do even though we are no longer in a sexual relationship. I must point out that my APs have never lived in the same town as me. We met on weekends, where we told our spouses we were going to "conferences." Thankfully, these "conferences" were great learning experiences!
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pixie
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 16:47:10 GMT -5
Pixie, I, too spent impulsively when I was in my sm. It was a passive aggressive way of demonstrating anger at my refuser. Once I decided to divorce and started the paperwork, my financial impulsivity stopped. I spent impulsively even when I was single, even before I met him. |
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pixie
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 17:08:52 GMT -5
pixie, I can understand why you would not want a divorce. I've resisted divorce too, basically because my wife could not survive on her own and I can't afford two places. However, I have encountered two problems that are very common to many in this group. The first is the lack self worth. I can't help but wonder why my wife isn't attracted to me, and my male ego takes a dive. Fortunately, I have had two affairs. Both were with attractive women who thought I was attractive too. It may be wrong, but the affairs are what I needed. The second is the resentment I feel towards my wife. She is normally a sweet person. But I really resent how her fears have affected our sex life. When I am not angry, I am distant from her. Any desire I have had for her has left. It's just too frustrating to pursue a sexual relationship with her. I told her she would have to initiate sex, because I won't anymore. There are other issues as well, especially her physical and mental health. But both the resentment and the damage to the ego have weighed on me and affected all parts of my life. I need friends, both sexual and otherwise, to maintain my own mental health. As for affair partners (APs for newcomers), I cannot see having one with anyone who is either a friend or fast becoming one. Not only is there too much risk involved with someone I can't trust, but the sex consistently gets better with a friend. One of my APs had an autistic child as I do, and we helped each other through that. In fact, we still do even though we are no longer in a sexual relationship. I must point out that my APs have never lived in the same town as me. We met on weekends, where we told our spouses we were going to "conferences." Thankfully, these "conferences" were great learning experiences! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, appreciate it. Being able to communicate openly with H helps with the negative emotions. I understand the lack of self-worth and resentment, I started that way. Im in a better place now in terms of those 2, but like most things it is still a constant work in progress. I have my bad days and good days. I have learned to take 1 day at a time and pursuing other interests that makes me happy helps in a lot of ways. I agree with you when it comes to FWB.It is not for me even if they say its a safer option. To me the less personal information shared/exchanged the better it is. I haven't pursued outsourcing actively and have mixed emotions about it. I reckon, I'd cross the bridge when I get there. |
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pixie
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 21:46:57 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, appreciate it. Being able to communicate openly with H helps with the negative emotions. I understand the lack of self-worth and resentment, I started that way. Im in a better place now in terms of those 2, but like most things it is still a constant work in progress. I have my bad days and good days. I have learned to take 1 day at a time and pursuing other interests that makes me happy helps in a lot of ways. I agree with you when it comes to FWB.It is not for me even if they say its a safer option. To me the less personal information shared/exchanged the better it is. I haven't pursued outsourcing actively and have mixed emotions about it. I reckon, I'd cross the bridge when I get there. God what I wouldn't give for open communication. It seems a lot of us here can only seem to have open communication about the kids and what's for dinner. So if some of us misunderstand you, please know it's simply because we don't understand. Thank you, itme! I will keep that in mind.😊 As you know, it takes a lot of time, hard work, humility, commitment and respect to get to where we are. The work is never done, but it is what it is. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 7, 2017 22:02:57 GMT -5
God what I wouldn't give for open communication. It seems a lot of us here can only seem to have open communication about the kids and what's for dinner. So if some of us misunderstand you, please know it's simply because we don't understand. Thank you, itme! I will keep that in mind.😊 As you know, it takes a lot of time, hard work, humility, commitment and respect to get to where we are. The work is never done, but it is what it is. Ditto itme's comments. If you have honest, open communication, you have something that nearly everyone here doesn't have from their spouse. Treasure it. And thank you for being tolerant because your situation is quite different than the typical situations here. BTW, depending on your jurisdiction, a Living Trust is a far better tool than will + probate. No probate tax. No probate delays. Worth exploring. |
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