Another SM story to be told...

I get it on the financial side.  Usually (but not always) the wife takes it to the chin in a divorce.  In my case, my ex-wife did walk away with a boatload of cash, but I'm pretty sure she will piss it away within a few years.  She does have a few virtues, but thrift is not one of them.  In your case, it seems that it might be a great idea to get finances in order on general principles.  That way, you have a bigger nest egg together.  Whether this is egg is to be split in case of divorce or just to have as a rainy day fund, it is still a good idea.

I find your answer on open marriage to be interesting, though.  He doesn't have a need for it but you do, so his need for your fidelity trumps your need as a human being.  And make no mistake, these are needs, not wants or you wouldn't be considering outsourcing.  Most stories that come here start as yours does.  Everything is great except the sex.  But you have someone who professes to love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you, but actively denies you something that you need.  If he cared about you, he'd acquiesce to a FWB. 

My guess is that there are other chinks in the armor of the marriage.  "Everything is great except the sex" usually doesn't stand up under scrutiny.  Hell most marriages aren't "great" even with the sex.  Marriage is hard work.  It requires heavy lifting from both parties to actually live the vows that were made.  And "to have and to hold" is one of the key principles.

One other thing.  You said you haven't had sex in the 7 years you've been married?  If that's true, then you could actually get the marriage annulled.  Not sure if that's better or worse than a divorce, but it is an option.  But if it is true, then it is a blinking red light saying that you don't have a "great" marriage.  You have a great friendship and roommate situation, perhaps.  But marriage?  Nope.

"I understand that you are asexual and your penis doesn't work however I can not remain celibate I need you to at least eat my pussy and service me even with a dildo at least once a week".
My bet is it would be like a chore to him and he might be ok with the idea of a fwb so he doesn't have to do that for you. And not for nothing but if he can't stir the peanut butter jar he can still lick it!

Yeah I just don't have time for not going after what I want for myself anymore, and that is sex. I refuse to be celibate ever again.
I'm actually still thinking about going back with my ex husband and try again to get back to a point of affection with him allowing me to be in an open relationship with a fwb.

Can I write the screenplay for the movie?  I promise I can be snarky enough.

pixie Thanks for posting your story. You have received some great feedback here that I believe is spot on. Im hopeful it has given you some things to think about.
I agree with most of what shamwow says below except the great marriage part. No marriage is truly great given the compromises that have to be made but some come close. I would offer that there is a possibility (albeit remote perhaps) yours can come close if you choose to opt out of sex altogether and base your relationship on other forms of intimacy that you already have. It sounds like you are almost there. I have seen couples that mutually choose to forgo sex (as hard as it is for many of us to believe). But forgoing sex is a highly personal decision that should not be taken lightly. So that might be an option you could consider if you have not already.

Nothing comes easy and I wouldn't be surprised if eventually, that will be the path I'd choose. As for now we enjoy the other forms of intimacy. I take it a day at a time.

The other thing that stands out that I have not seen anyone mention is the asexuality. Is this a case where he knew he was asexual before he met you and did not disclose? It seems that way given that its rare to get that late into life without understanding their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with asexuality per se, to each his own. But not disclosing it to a potential partner is a big no no in my opinion (aka bait and switch)

The medical issues were there before we met and was disclosed to me prior to marriage. He thought it was the medication. Asexuality during marriage.

If he did discover the asexuality after you got married, then if in your shoes, I would re-assess what I thought I was getting into. If I entered marriage thinking that I was with someone who was not asexual, but it turns out he is, then it would void the basis I had for deciding to enter the marriage in the first place. Now it might turn out that you are ok with his being asexual and you can adapt. Problem solved.


A further point to consider is whether you are high libido or low libido. It might not factor in, but I think if you are low libido, the chances of you adapting to a non-sexual, but nonetheless intimate marriage, are pretty good. If you are high libido, then I think its just a matter of time before you start figuring out what outsourcing looks like for you. I don't believe anybody starts out wanting to commit infidelity, but physical needs have a way of forcing compromises.

Average libido. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I dont intend for this feedback to come off the wrong way, so I hope its not offensive to you. But hopefully it gives you some more ideas to mull over as you seek clarity and peace for your SM.

Not at all. Feedback appreciated.

True...sounds more like a sitcom.