pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40 
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Post by pixie on Sept 6, 2017 11:50:18 GMT -5
Hello..This is my story.. I recently turned 40, H is mid 50’s. We’ve been together for 10 years, dated 3 and married 7. We had sex a few times while dating and none after getting married. I cannot exactly pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness, it maybe medical and we both think he is asexual, because there is no desire sexually. He’s been on beta blockers for too long and he’s had some heart issues. He was prescribed testosterone, and ed medication, but nothing changed. He doesn’t want to do counseling, it makes no difference to me really whether we go or not. Cliche, but yeah, minus the sex, marriage is fine. Not a lot of hostility, really. We discuss SM every now and again, he acknowledges that he has a problem and this is the main issue in our marriage. We still sleep in the same room & bed, we still say I love you, hug/cuddle, kiss, hold hands, celebrate anniversaries, birthdays and all other occasions, I still get randomly surprised , get compliments and he gets along great with my daughter. She’s 15. They share the same sport, love for math and food. H is very patient with me, and constantly reassuring me that it’s not my fault. When I am angry, frustrated and full of resentment, he just listens and talks to me calmly and at one point cried with me. He is non-confrontational and calm. I told him I found this site, and asked me if I told our story yet. I said not yet. He was supportive. Divorce is out of the question for now as well as open marriage. Outsourcing, almost but cannot bring myself to do it because of so many issues that come along with it. In the city that never sleeps, outsourcing is aplenty..so I might just give in when I am ready and find the right person. For now, I am secure where I am even with no sex. I have stopped asking, I have stopped over thinking, over analyzing, stopped all the what ifs and shoulda, woulda, coulda. I have started to compartmentalize and take the day as it comes. Each and everyone has different ways of dealing with their crosses and perhaps for now this is what works for me and a place to share my feelings/vent. Tomorrow..I don’t know.  Thank you for reading. |
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Post by h on Sept 6, 2017 12:04:39 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Why do you say that divorce and open marriage are out of the question? I'm not into the open marriage idea either but my views on divorce have changed over time. I'm just trying to get some more background information. I'm not trying to sway your decision, just understand it better.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 12:14:02 GMT -5
I'm curious. It seems as though you and your husband can speak of this issue openly.
It sounds like you've both gone down the medical road. ED medications only help with keeping an erection. They don't help for getting one in the first place. The low T might be an issue, but is sounds as though that has also been covered. Kudos for being open enough together to explore that road. I'm sorry to hear the solution wasn't that "simple".
It sounds as though he treats you well. Ditto for your daughter (assuming it is yours from a previous relationship). You've even told him of this site (guessing you've been observing for a while). Most of us don't have the trust / communication with our spouse to even be able to do that (I sure as hell didn't). I'm kind of thinking counseling might be moot. You already know the problems...just have no easy solutions.
A few questions.
- You say divorce is out of the question. Why is that?
- You also say an open marriage is out of the question? Why is that?
- Outsourcing seems to be the eventual destination, but how is that different than an open marriage except being done in secret?
- Have you considered outsourcing could quite easily lead right back to divorce if discovered?
It is amazing how things that seem out of the question seem pretty conceivable a couple decades in. Around here these things seem to fall apart somewhere around the 10-20 year mark. Not a lot of people make it to 30.
Sorry to see you here, but glad you shared your story.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 6, 2017 12:28:25 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Why do you say that divorce and open marriage are out of the question? I'm not into the open marriage idea either but my views on divorce have changed over time. I'm just trying to get some more background information. I'm not trying to sway your decision, just understand it better. Divorce is out of the question for now. I cannot afford to divorce him, I have more to lose. Outside of the bedroom we still enjoy a lot of the same things together, we are similar in a lot of ways. Financially, it will be difficult. I am not good with money, if we divorce I can blow my savings in a year. Open marriage is out of the question because it's not something for us. We discussed it and we couldn't imagine ourselves in it. He said he doesn't have a need for it. I am the only one who wants sex, so if ever, perhaps outsourcing will be my choice of poison. But i don' know. |
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Post by h on Sept 6, 2017 12:36:59 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Why do you say that divorce and open marriage are out of the question? I'm not into the open marriage idea either but my views on divorce have changed over time. I'm just trying to get some more background information. I'm not trying to sway your decision, just understand it better. Divorce is out of the question for now. I cannot afford to divorce him, I have more to lose. Outside of the bedroom we still enjoy a lot of the same things together, we are similar in a lot of ways. Financially, it will be difficult. I am not good with money, if we divorce I can blow my savings in a year. Open marriage is out of the question because it's not something for us. We discussed it and we couldn't imagine ourselves in it. He said he doesn't have a need for it. I am the only one who wants sex, so if ever, perhaps outsourcing will be my choice of poison. But i don' know. As for the "bad with money" issue, I have a suggestion. There's a free online program called mint by Intuit. It can help you keep track of expenses and spending so you become more aware of your finances. I started using it to track our joint financial situation because my W is bad with money. www.mint.com |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 12:42:14 GMT -5
Divorce is out of the question for now. I cannot afford to divorce him, I have more to lose. Outside of the bedroom we still enjoy a lot of the same things together, we are similar in a lot of ways. Financially, it will be difficult. I am not good with money, if we divorce I can blow my savings in a year. Open marriage is out of the question because it's not something for us. We discussed it and we couldn't imagine ourselves in it. He said he doesn't have a need for it. I am the only one who wants sex, so if ever, perhaps outsourcing will be my choice of poison. But i don' know. As for the "bad with money" issue, I have a suggestion. There's a free online program called mint by Intuit. It can help you keep track of expenses and spending so you become more aware of your finances. I started using it to track our joint financial situation because my W is bad with money. www.mint.com^^^^^^ Mint kicks ass ^^^^^^ |
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 6, 2017 12:54:50 GMT -5
I'm curious. It seems as though you and your husband can speak of this issue openly. H and I took awhile to get to where we are communication wise. I'm always open about my feelings to him, very confrontational, forced him at one point to hear me out ,I didn't care if he said anything but I cried my eyes out and spewed the meanest of words. I think because we still have love and respect. I don't know but it worked somehow. He is non-confrontational so probably that helped too.
It sounds like you've both gone down the medical road. ED medications only help with keeping an erection. They don't help for getting one in the first place. The low T might be an issue, but is sounds as though that has also been covered. Kudos for being open enough together to explore that road. I'm sorry to hear the solution wasn't that "simple". It sounds as though he treats you well. Ditto for your daughter (assuming it is yours from a previous relationship). You've even told him of this site (guessing you've been observing for a while). Most of us don't have the trust / communication with our spouse to even be able to do that (I sure as hell didn't). I'm kind of thinking counseling might be moot. You already know the problems...just have no easy solutions. A few questions. - You say divorce is out of the question. Why is that? Divorce is out for now, I have more to lose. We still enjoy a lot of the same things together outside the bedroom and we are quite similar. Financially, it will be difficult on my part, I am not good with money and can be destitute in an instant. While he is very good at it. My daughter is another consideration, they have built a beautiful relationship and I can't lose that. - You also say an open marriage is out of the question? Why is that? Not for us. - Outsourcing seems to be the eventual destination, but how is that different than an open marriage except being done in secret? Yes, secret, discreet. Has to be with the right person.- Have you considered outsourcing could quite easily lead right back to divorce if discovered? Yes, that's why I haven't seriously considered it yet. I almost did it but the bad outweighed the good. But you know, tomorrow is another day.It is amazing how things that seem out of the question seem pretty conceivable a couple decades in. Around here these things seem to fall apart somewhere around the 10-20 year mark. Not a lot of people make it to 30. Sorry to see you here, but glad you shared your story. Answers in red.  |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 12:56:33 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Why do you say that divorce and open marriage are out of the question? I'm not into the open marriage idea either but my views on divorce have changed over time. I'm just trying to get some more background information. I'm not trying to sway your decision, just understand it better. Divorce is out of the question for now. I cannot afford to divorce him, I have more to lose. Outside of the bedroom we still enjoy a lot of the same things together, we are similar in a lot of ways. Financially, it will be difficult. I am not good with money, if we divorce I can blow my savings in a year. Open marriage is out of the question because it's not something for us. We discussed it and we couldn't imagine ourselves in it. He said he doesn't have a need for it. I am the only one who wants sex, so if ever, perhaps outsourcing will be my choice of poison. But i don' know. I get it on the financial side. Usually (but not always) the wife takes it to the chin in a divorce. In my case, my ex-wife did walk away with a boatload of cash, but I'm pretty sure she will piss it away within a few years. She does have a few virtues, but thrift is not one of them. In your case, it seems that it might be a great idea to get finances in order on general principles. That way, you have a bigger nest egg together. Whether this is egg is to be split in case of divorce or just to have as a rainy day fund, it is still a good idea. I find your answer on open marriage to be interesting, though. He doesn't have a need for it but you do, so his need for your fidelity trumps your need as a human being. And make no mistake, these are needs, not wants or you wouldn't be considering outsourcing. Most stories that come here start as yours does. Everything is great except the sex. But you have someone who professes to love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you, but actively denies you something that you need. If he cared about you, he'd acquiesce to a FWB. My guess is that there are other chinks in the armor of the marriage. "Everything is great except the sex" usually doesn't stand up under scrutiny. Hell most marriages aren't "great" even with the sex. Marriage is hard work. It requires heavy lifting from both parties to actually live the vows that were made. And "to have and to hold" is one of the key principles. One other thing. You said you haven't had sex in the 7 years you've been married? If that's true, then you could actually get the marriage annulled. Not sure if that's better or worse than a divorce, but it is an option. But if it is true, then it is a blinking red light saying that you don't have a "great" marriage. You have a great friendship and roommate situation, perhaps. But marriage? Nope. |
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 6, 2017 12:57:24 GMT -5
Divorce is out of the question for now. I cannot afford to divorce him, I have more to lose. Outside of the bedroom we still enjoy a lot of the same things together, we are similar in a lot of ways. Financially, it will be difficult. I am not good with money, if we divorce I can blow my savings in a year. Open marriage is out of the question because it's not something for us. We discussed it and we couldn't imagine ourselves in it. He said he doesn't have a need for it. I am the only one who wants sex, so if ever, perhaps outsourcing will be my choice of poison. But i don' know. As for the "bad with money" issue, I have a suggestion. There's a free online program called mint by Intuit. It can help you keep track of expenses and spending so you become more aware of your finances. I started using it to track our joint financial situation because my W is bad with money. www.mint.comWe use mint.com . He does all the finances. I refused the responsibility when he asked me to do it. |
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Post by h on Sept 6, 2017 13:02:31 GMT -5
As for the "bad with money" issue, I have a suggestion. There's a free online program called mint by Intuit. It can help you keep track of expenses and spending so you become more aware of your finances. I started using it to track our joint financial situation because my W is bad with money. www.mint.comWe use mint.com . He does all the finances. I refused the responsibility when he asked me to do it. I would suggest that you start taking more of an active role in the financial responsibility. Someday you may need the skills whether you want to or not. Divorce isn't the only reason you may need it. Your H is older than you and eventually may not be able to manage the finances. Health issues, hospitalization, disability, or a freak accident could all land you at the helm of your financial situation. |
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 6, 2017 13:30:27 GMT -5
Divorce is out of the question for now. I cannot afford to divorce him, I have more to lose. Outside of the bedroom we still enjoy a lot of the same things together, we are similar in a lot of ways. Financially, it will be difficult. I am not good with money, if we divorce I can blow my savings in a year. Open marriage is out of the question because it's not something for us. We discussed it and we couldn't imagine ourselves in it. He said he doesn't have a need for it. I am the only one who wants sex, so if ever, perhaps outsourcing will be my choice of poison. But i don' know. I get it on the financial side. Usually (but not always) the wife takes it to the chin in a divorce. In my case, my ex-wife did walk away with a boatload of cash, but I'm pretty sure she will piss it away within a few years. She does have a few virtues, but thrift is not one of them. In your case, it seems that it might be a great idea to get finances in order on general principles. That way, you have a bigger nest egg together. Whether this is egg is to be split in case of divorce or just to have as a rainy day fund, it is still a good idea. I find your answer on open marriage to be interesting, though. He doesn't have a need for it but you do, so his need for your fidelity trumps your need as a human being. And make no mistake, these are needs, not wants or you wouldn't be considering outsourcing. Most stories that come here start as yours does. Everything is great except the sex. But you have someone who professes to love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you, but actively denies you something that you need. If he cared about you, he'd acquiesce to a FWB. Not necessarily. H and I have worked together in dealing with this. I saw his effort and respect that. Better than not trying at all and make this marriage unworkable. We both agreed open marriage is not for us same with FWB. We communicate often, we compromise. We're both working at it. He doesn't need my fidelity, he is aware of my needs, he knows the high probability of me having an affair. It was my choice, our choice. The same way that it is my choice to stay in the marriage.My guess is that there are other chinks in the armor of the marriage. "Everything is great except the sex" usually doesn't stand up under scrutiny. Hell most marriages aren't "great" even with the sex. Marriage is hard work. It requires heavy lifting from both parties to actually live the vows that were made. And "to have and to hold" is one of the key principles. We're putting in the work and so far we have been true to our vows--minus the sex part. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. 
One other thing. You said you haven't had sex in the 7 years you've been married? If that's true, then you could actually get the marriage annulled. Not sure if that's better or worse than a divorce, but it is an option. But if it is true, then it is a blinking red light saying that you don't have a "great" marriage. You have a great friendship and roommate situation, perhaps. But marriage? Nope. Not an option right now, but thanks for the idea just in case. Like you said marriage is hard work, as long as we're putting in the work we will be okay. I respect your opinion. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 13:45:39 GMT -5
I get it on the financial side. Usually (but not always) the wife takes it to the chin in a divorce. In my case, my ex-wife did walk away with a boatload of cash, but I'm pretty sure she will piss it away within a few years. She does have a few virtues, but thrift is not one of them. In your case, it seems that it might be a great idea to get finances in order on general principles. That way, you have a bigger nest egg together. Whether this is egg is to be split in case of divorce or just to have as a rainy day fund, it is still a good idea. I find your answer on open marriage to be interesting, though. He doesn't have a need for it but you do, so his need for your fidelity trumps your need as a human being. And make no mistake, these are needs, not wants or you wouldn't be considering outsourcing. Most stories that come here start as yours does. Everything is great except the sex. But you have someone who professes to love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you, but actively denies you something that you need. If he cared about you, he'd acquiesce to a FWB. Not necessarily. H and I have worked together in dealing with this. I saw his effort and respect that. Better than not trying at all and make this marriage unworkable. We both agreed open marriage is not for us same with FWB. We communicate often, we compromise. We're both working at it. He doesn't need my fidelity, he is aware of my needs, he knows the high probability of me having an affair. It was my choice, our choice. The same way that it is my choice to stay in the marriage.My guess is that there are other chinks in the armor of the marriage. "Everything is great except the sex" usually doesn't stand up under scrutiny. Hell most marriages aren't "great" even with the sex. Marriage is hard work. It requires heavy lifting from both parties to actually live the vows that were made. And "to have and to hold" is one of the key principles. We're putting in the work and so far we have been true to our vows--minus the sex part. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.
One other thing. You said you haven't had sex in the 7 years you've been married? If that's true, then you could actually get the marriage annulled. Not sure if that's better or worse than a divorce, but it is an option. But if it is true, then it is a blinking red light saying that you don't have a "great" marriage. You have a great friendship and roommate situation, perhaps. But marriage? Nope. Not an option right now, but thanks for the idea just in case. Like you said marriage is hard work, as long as we're putting in the work we will be okay. I respect your opinion. Actually, I think that you guys might actually be OK. Most of the marriages here have just about zero communication and what there is happens to be negative. It should as though you guys have a "don't ask don't tell" policy that you haven't wanted to go through with. Not exactly an open marriage, but more of a tacit understanding that you may or may not take care of your needs outside the marriage, but he just doesn't want to know. Is that about it? If so, bballgirl might be able to give you some pointers on that from her SM. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 6, 2017 13:56:36 GMT -5
I'm with shamwow in regards to your H being selfish about your human needs and his issues with a fwb. Here's the thing - if his back was itchy and needed scratched, how would he like it if you refused? And that's a mild scenario compared to living a sexless life. I remember a long time ago wanting a cleaning lady. My husband said "no", he didn't want a stranger in the house. So then our first child was born and I fell behind on my housework (I did everything). So he said to me - "the floor could use a mopping". I replied "so mop it". He countered with "maybe we should get a cleaning lady" and I had permission to outsource cleaning. Here's my point: I understand your husband has medical issues and he doesn't feel like having sex BUT if I were you I would say it to him like this. "I understand that you are asexual and your penis doesn't work however I can not remain celibate I need you to at least eat my pussy and service me even with a dildo at least once a week". My bet is it would be like a chore to him and he might be ok with the idea of a fwb so he doesn't have to do that for you. And not for nothing but if he can't stir the peanut butter jar he can still lick it! So maybe a little reverse psychology might get him to buy into a fwb situation. There are different kinds of love and sometimes we need to get them from different sources. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 6, 2017 13:57:47 GMT -5
Actually, I think that you guys might actually be OK. Most of the marriages here have just about zero communication and what there is happens to be negative. It should as though you guys have a "don't ask don't tell" policy that you haven't wanted to go through with. Not exactly an open marriage, but more of a tacit understanding that you may or may not take care of your needs outside the marriage, but he just doesn't want to know. Is that about it? If so, bballgirl might be able to give you some pointers on that from her SM. Ha! I was typing before you tagged me. Lol Great minds!! |
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 6, 2017 13:59:22 GMT -5
Actually, I think that you guys might actually be OK. Most of the marriages here have just about zero communication and what there is happens to be negative. It should as though you guys have a "don't ask don't tell" policy that you haven't wanted to go through with. Not exactly an open marriage, but more of a tacit understanding that you may or may not take care of your needs outside the marriage, but he just doesn't want to know. Is that about it? If so, bballgirl might be able to give you some pointers on that from her SM. We haven't explicitly discussed the don't ask don't tell. I haven't actively pursued outsourcing. I am quite paranoid and scared, not of divorce but what if the other person has some disease or something. Lol But thanks, I will check out bballgirl's post. |
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