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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 15:30:54 GMT -5
Last Valentines Day ... AFTER I had threatened divorce and about 2 weeks from our "Reset Sex" of passionate love making.
My W and I went out for Valentines Day Dinner.
We came home and lied in bed. She decided to put her Laptop on and watch Star Trek 2009. I laid next to her with my arm around her and she stroked it the same way she might have petted the cat.
I did not move to see if she would initiate. She did not. She fell asleep and then rewound the movie on her laptop over and over again.
I was out of the house within 2 months of that date.
I could have made the moves on her but I did not I decided to see if she would initiate. Nothing happened. It was a defining moment for me.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 4, 2017 15:49:23 GMT -5
"The choice to stay, the choice to leave, the choice to cheat, are all valid choices....."
Yes, your choice is valid. What I am saying is you need to own the choice you've made. Accept that the sex life you have with your wife is the best you can get with you. She isn't going to magically change personalities and become your passionate lover. accept that because you feel she is your only option except choosing to be permanently single, you are choosing to be in a sexless marriage with her. Not having sex iis to you a better option than being permanently alone.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say, "I can," and those who say, "I can't." They are both right. That's why I believe your choice is valid for you.
The only thing I disagree with is that you don't admit you have chosen this. You do have other options, but this sm is the option that you feel is best. You prefer your known relationship than risking cheating or divorce. You fear your wife is the only woman who would be interested in you. She is, you think, the best you can do.
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Post by h on Sept 4, 2017 15:57:58 GMT -5
Last Valentines Day ... AFTER I had threatened divorce and about 2 weeks from our "Reset Sex" of passionate love making. My W and I went out for Valentines Day Dinner. We came home and lied in bed. She decided to put her Laptop on and watch Star Trek 2009. I laid next to her with my arm around her and she stroked it the same way she might have petted the cat. I did not move to see if she would initiate. She did not. She fell asleep and then rewound the movie on her laptop over and over again. I was out of the house within 2 months of that date. I could have made the moves on her but I did not I decided to see if she would initiate. Nothing happened. It was a defining moment for me. That's mainly why I don't plan on telling her about my timeline. If after the deadline, she still ignores our sex life, I will know what her true intentions are. I'm done pressuring her about it. I have stated my case several times and in several ways. She knows I am not opposed to divorce and it has been considered. The next move is hers. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 4, 2017 16:02:15 GMT -5
"The choice to stay, the choice to leave, the choice to cheat, are all valid choices....." Yes, your choice is valid. What I am saying is you need to own the choice you've made. Accept that the sex life you have with your wife is the best you can get with you. She isn't going to magically change personalities and become your passionate lover. accept that because you feel she is your only option except choosing to be permanently single, you are choosing to be in a sexless marriage with her. Not having sex iis to you a better option than being permanently alone. There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say, "I can," and those who say, "I can't." They are both right. That's why I believe your choice is valid for you. The only thing I disagree with is that you don't admit you have chosen this. You do have other options, but this sm is the option that you feel is best. You prefer your known relationship than risking cheating or divorce. You fear your wife is the only woman who would be interested in you. She is, you think, the best you can do. Thank you doctor for your diagnosis....where do I send the check....? You clearly miss that I am perfectly fine with being alone... I have always owned my decisions ..you are in NO position to judge my decisions. Period. Clearly this is becoming a site with only one direction and one decision allowed. Very sad to see.... I have no further need for your opinions Northstar. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 17:02:05 GMT -5
"The choice to stay, the choice to leave, the choice to cheat, are all valid choices....." Yes, your choice is valid. What I am saying is you need to own the choice you've made. Accept that the sex life you have with your wife is the best you can get with you. She isn't going to magically change personalities and become your passionate lover. accept that because you feel she is your only option except choosing to be permanently single, you are choosing to be in a sexless marriage with her. Not having sex iis to you a better option than being permanently alone. There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say, "I can," and those who say, "I can't." They are both right. That's why I believe your choice is valid for you. The only thing I disagree with is that you don't admit you have chosen this. You do have other options, but this sm is the option that you feel is best. You prefer your known relationship than risking cheating or divorce. You fear your wife is the only woman who would be interested in you. She is, you think, the best you can do. Thank you doctor for your diagnosis....where do I send the check....? You clearly miss that I am perfectly fine with being alone... I have always owned my decisions ..you are in NO position to judge my decisions. Period. Clearly this is becoming a site with only one direction and one decision allowed. Very sad to see.... I have no further need for your opinions Northstar. Hmm, I aint judging much but I do notice your handle "Solitary Soul" . Actually I am not judging but perplexed and I ask this to help me understand as learning from others experience does help me and I hope that is sort of how it works here. You are saying or going with "being alone" and staying married in current situation? Is it a sort of rising above the need for passion and intimacy? This sounds a bit ascetic and very disciplined. I am reminded of the Monk concept. I am not judging there are some Warrior Monks that are totally bad-ass and the Great Samaurai Musashi wrote his hallmark philosophy called "Walking Alone" (Dokkodo in Japanese) and he forbid many of lifes pleasures such as luxury living and fancy foods and "Romantic Love" in particular (not no sex just avoiding I think being in a passionate intimacy relationship) it would distract from the focus of mastering the Warrior Way (Heiho in Japanese). Anyhow . . . I am all ears to listen. Respect. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 4, 2017 18:17:13 GMT -5
Thank you doctor for your diagnosis....where do I send the check....? You clearly miss that I am perfectly fine with being alone... I have always owned my decisions ..you are in NO position to judge my decisions. Period. Clearly this is becoming a site with only one direction and one decision allowed. Very sad to see.... I have no further need for your opinions Northstar. Hmm, I aint judging much but I do notice your handle "Solitary Soul" . Actually I am not judging but perplexed and I ask this to help me understand as learning from others experience does help me and I hope that is sort of how it works here. You are saying or going with "being alone" and staying married in current situation? Is it a sort of rising above the need for passion and intimacy? This sounds a bit ascetic and very disciplined. I am reminded of the Monk concept. I am not judging there are some Warrior Monks that are totally bad-ass and the Great Samaurai Musashi wrote his hallmark philosophy called "Walking Alone" (Dokkodo in Japanese) and he forbid many of lifes pleasures such as luxury living and fancy foods and "Romantic Love" in particular (not no sex just avoiding I think being in a passionate intimacy relationship) it would distract from the focus of mastering the Warrior Way (Heiho in Japanese). Anyhow . . . I am all ears to listen. Respect. Thank you....I have always been someone who is very comfortable being by myself...in fact, I need alone time each day. I go running, driving, hiking by myself and enjoy it immensely. I don't have a driven need to be with people all the time. My W is the opposite. She hates doing anything alone. Movies, concerts, festivals.... She will not do these alone. Since she does not have a large social circle, I often accompany her. Our differences we're not apparent when we were dating as she got time with me, and I got my time alone...not till she moved in did it become apparent to me. While I am not a monk, I don't have a deep need to have a large social circle. I played alone a lot as a kid and I thoroughly enjoy my time alone now. I just don't see the end all be all of life to be getting in a woman's pants. Sure, it would be great, but I do have a lot of good in my life. And great respect for many of my wife's traits. We just have our differences in our needs from day to day.... Maybe I could do a better job of connecting with her....and maybe that would improve our relationship...but these are things I evaluate as I go...perhaps I have been alone almost all my life because I have a need for this alone in my life....and I am perfectly happy with myself being alone....even enlightened by it... |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2017 20:13:15 GMT -5
Happy belated birthday! Im sorry that was so bad. I got a facebook post and some chocolate (when he knows Im training for a 10k) for my 40th.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 23:30:44 GMT -5
Happy belated birthday! Im sorry that was so bad. I got a facebook post and some chocolate (when he knows Im training for a 10k) for my 40th. Enjoy your chocolates and fantastic you are training - I do 10ks half marathons and little triathlons to burn off my junk food eat anything diet. For what it is worth you get first place for "handle" that makes me laugh. "Sexless on the Beach". Love it. Classic. Perfect. Welcome!!! |
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 0:14:49 GMT -5
I can relate H, my B day was last Friday. The "promise" was there. Later, after the party, so was the "I'm tired, can I have a raincheck?" Still waiting.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 5, 2017 6:44:17 GMT -5
"I can relate H, my B day was last Friday. The "promise" was there. Later, after the party, so was the "I'm tired, can I have a raincheck?" Still waiting."
Once you admit to yourself that your spouse does not want to fuck you and does not love you like you want, you will be able to take steps under your control (your spouse's actions are not under your control) to free yourself to live the life you want. Until then, you will live in sorrow and unrealistic hope.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2017 8:50:38 GMT -5
Yesterday was my BD. Short version: my mind is full of divorce. It was to be treated like, another day. That's mostly how it went. I had 6 lawns to mow, thank you God for such a clear windy day!!
However my mind wondered on thoughts of "what would make me happy? How do I make this a happy day for me? Do I do this alone? How happy am I alone?
You know how we tell each other" stay busy, get a hobby, exercise, do what you like...etc?" Well those type of happy times occured years ago with taking children places, rarely alone. I like being alone, you know....down time. But for what makes me happy?
This opens up the can of worms of ALL the other complications that come from decades of living with a controller. Just to mention a few "choices that where made along the way", all in the name of keeping the peace. Moving away from my home state, and moving to her home state. Leaving my family and moving near her family. Leaving 26 yrs of friends behind. Having her family move in with us, permanently. Moving to continue her career while mine died. Giving up my career for her ideas on homeschooling.
The point about tying this into my birthday is, there is a lot of re-building to do. getting out of the SM is a big step, but there is a lot more to come.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2017 9:00:27 GMT -5
"However my mind wondered on thoughts of "what would make me happy? How do I make this a happy day for me? Do I do this alone? How happy am I alone?
About 5 years before I divorced, I started a quest to do things that made me happy. The first thing I learned was I had no idea what made me happy. So, I began to independently of my husband explore various platonic friendships and intriguing (nonsexual) activities.
I discarded people and activities that didn't bring me joy. I developed new skills and discovered I had talents that I never would have guessed I had.
Finally, my roommate of a husband became superfluous and I asked for a divorce. My life had become so separate from him that when he revealed he had been having an affair, my only reaction was that I was glad to be ridding myself of a liar and cheat.
My divorce was final 4 years ago. I continue being happybincluding doing things I enjoy on my birthday.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 15, 2017 9:35:39 GMT -5
My birthday was the 12, and per usual I don't expect anything. I waited, and waited, then after dinner I realized nothing was going to happen. So as I was going to bed(we don't sleep in the same room) I said good night I love you even though you're a jerk, she looked at me awkwardly, I said look at your phone, nothing, then I asked her the date, she said it, then light bulb, you forgot my birthday. I really wouldn't have cared but she's been talking about Christmas, our daughters bday which is in November, Halloween, and all this was in September. So I think to myself Halloween is more important to her than I am. I wonder if she'll ever understand that in like 4-5 years our youngest will be 8, the oldest gone and the middle driving, what then, does she expect me to continue to be the least important thing in her life. I was going to post a thread on this the other day and didn't get around to it,I'm glad you beat me to the punch. I have stopped all physical contact and pleads for intamacy, I tired of a simple conversation about how I don't think I should ask for sex every day and get a unenthusiastic quicky every month, turn into tears and how bad I am and if I did this or that, I'm not the problem. I'm young, in shape, my junk works, I'm handsome from what women tell me, it should be a no brainier, we have money, my income is 70 a year, big house, three cars, we eat good kids go to a good school, like a fucking dream, how many women would jump at the opportunity of that level of security. Instead I get nit picked, we'd have more sex but remember that one time 7 years ago when you said this, no I don't, because I was 25, I made mistakes and I've changed, and I feel like I did my time. Fuck this sucks. Bad thing is if she does change this period of time will always be here,and if she doesn't then it'll affect any future opportunities, ruining relationship for me. Relationships= pain and suffering.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Oct 15, 2017 12:22:47 GMT -5
My birthday was the 12, and per usual I don't expect anything. I waited, and waited, then after dinner I realized nothing was going to happen. So as I was going to bed(we don't sleep in the same room) I said good night I love you even though you're a jerk, she looked at me awkwardly, I said look at your phone, nothing, then I asked her the date, she said it, then light bulb, you forgot my birthday. I really wouldn't have cared but she's been talking about Christmas, our daughters bday which is in November, Halloween, and all this was in September. So I think to myself Halloween is more important to her than I am. I wonder if she'll ever understand that in like 4-5 years our youngest will be 8, the oldest gone and the middle driving, what then, does she expect me to continue to be the least important thing in her life. I was going to post a thread on this the other day and didn't get around to it,I'm glad you beat me to the punch. I have stopped all physical contact and pleads for intamacy, I tired of a simple conversation about how I don't think I should ask for sex every day and get a unenthusiastic quicky every month, turn into tears and how bad I am and if I did this or that, I'm not the problem. I'm young, in shape, my junk works, I'm handsome from what women tell me, it should be a no brainier, we have money, my income is 70 a year, big house, three cars, we eat good kids go to a good school, like a fucking dream, how many women would jump at the opportunity of that level of security. Instead I get nit picked, we'd have more sex but remember that one time 7 years ago when you said this, no I don't, because I was 25, I made mistakes and I've changed, and I feel like I did my time. Fuck this sucks. Bad thing is if she does change this period of time will always be here,and if she doesn't then it'll affect any future opportunities, ruining relationship for me. Relationships= pain and suffering. I'm sorry you hurt so much from your wife not giving your needs and your birthday the recognition you deserve. I've been there and it's very difficult. I hope and pray you will find a way through this with her. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2017 12:53:45 GMT -5
My birthday was the 12, and per usual I don't expect anything. I waited, and waited, then after dinner I realized nothing was going to happen. So as I was going to bed(we don't sleep..."
Time to take responsible for your own life and happiness. Give yourself the kind of birthday that you can get by doing things under your control. Take a solo trip. Invite friends or relatives to meet you for dinner. Hell, take yourself to a dinner or a game or something else you would enjoy. Stop waiting for and depending on your wife. It's your life to enjoy or resentfully endure. You don't need your wife's permission for you to do things that make you happy.
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