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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 10:37:05 GMT -5
@sexlessonthebeach In all my "interviews" with friends when I talk about my SM - I am astounded about how many in their 40s/50s are also SM. And yes, I have very good friends of mine who readily admit that they have low libido and have no desire to take pills or anything to improve it and are quite happy being in an SM. I know one wife of one of these guys who said in his face "be careful your days are numbered" and she seemed to mean it. If you peruse these threads, the gist of it seems to be: 1. Stay (accept the SM) 2. Cheat (outsource as best you can) 3. Leave I suppose another choice is attacking the fortified position uphill, I mean trying to force your Low Libido H to take pills and perform to you (regular "genuine" passionate love making). Personally, I think "forcing" an H or W to ramp up their libido aint going to work for nobody and is doomed. If your H genuinely wants to change and get his libido back somehow (pills counseling etc.) then maybe. Courage and blessings!!! And some people here give me flack when I make statements about how sexual activity seems to drop off at older ages ...and it's quite common....and I might leave only to find myself right back in the same place....with only half my stuff.... Yes there are Sexually active people in their 40s up to their 80s...but that segment declines as age goes up....maybe that's why it gets harder for many here to find good partners.... Just saying.... My own research and discussions have supported this conclusion... Hmm, younger partner? Not robbing the cradle - reasonable age difference. Just an idea . . . |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 6, 2017 10:41:54 GMT -5
Younger partner definitely ups the sex odds. Important to have the attitude, fitness and/or interests or money to attract a younger partner who'd enjoy sex with you. Otherwise one might attract a younger partner whose interest is based on wanting a partner who is disinterested in sex. We all have had experience with a younger person like that.
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 6, 2017 12:15:17 GMT -5
I see I am not going to get any support here...just attacks on why everyone else is right....
Sorry for intruding on the space of all you high libido, great sex, had lots of and expects lots of great sex people....
Clearly this is not a place for me....unless I do and believe as the mom tells me.....
I will take my leave of bring a part of the discussion....
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 6, 2017 12:58:41 GMT -5
1. Dysfunctional Marriage - both spouses have normal libidos and would be sexual if the relationship was healthy. The relationship has problems and so one spouse has no interest in the SPECIFIC other spouse but in another situation, this same person would be interested (healthy relationship, no toxic resentments, etc.). Here, the SM is a SYMPTOM of a dysfunctional couple that is "unhealthy" and the lack of sex is really a "dead canary in a cage" barometric reading of the marriage's poor health and toxicity level. [snip] If it is "Specific" then the theory would go - fix the couple problems and the sex / intimacy should follow. A reasonable proposition; however, is, "What if it isn't a "couple problem" (whatever that is), but rather a situation in which the person: a) doesn't or never loved you, not like that, anyway - just isn't all that into you - not enough for marriage b) never wanted to be married, in general, or to you specifically, and realized that afterward - because how were they supposed to know? c) has defined themselves, their life and aspirations in a way that is not compatible with being married to you, or at all?" That's not a fixable situation; that's a trap for both of you. Even in the third scenario, it's not likely that a person is going to change their entire life trajectory around to make themselves more compatible to be married to a person *who they are presently not invested in." Beyond that - if trying to sift the "dysfunctionality" from the so-called "aesexuality" issue, partners have little way to understand which is which when they are in it. It's certainly common in my dating experience to meet women who either thought themselves "not into sex" or who thought their husbands "not into sex", only to find this was not the case in the post-marriage period. It's not even that they thought they were not being truthful. In their experience, sex was something they had with their spouse, and they didn't want that. So therefore, they didn't want sex, they thought. Once the feeling of obligation was lifted, things changed. There was no way for them to intuit that their problem was not actually a sexual one when they were still in the relationship. So, while it seems that "fix the couple problem" within a dysfunctional relationship might be an obvious path, it isn't, necessarily. The best place to start is with the facts on the ground. Your partner doesn't want to include sexual intimacy in the relationship and you do. What does that mean to you? Is your partner as put out by that prospect as you? Not likely. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 6, 2017 14:28:01 GMT -5
Damn...so well stated. You need to write a book. The memoirs of apocrypha 1. Dysfunctional Marriage - both spouses have normal libidos and would be sexual if the relationship was healthy. The relationship has problems and so one spouse has no interest in the SPECIFIC other spouse but in another situation, this same person would be interested (healthy relationship, no toxic resentments, etc.). Here, the SM is a SYMPTOM of a dysfunctional couple that is "unhealthy" and the lack of sex is really a "dead canary in a cage" barometric reading of the marriage's poor health and toxicity level. [snip] If it is "Specific" then the theory would go - fix the couple problems and the sex / intimacy should follow. A reasonable proposition; however, what if it isn't a "couple problem" (whatever that is), but rather a situation in which the person: a) doesn't or never loved you, not like that, anyway - just isn't all that into you - not enough for marriage b) never wanted to be married, in general, or to you specifically, and realized that afterward - because how were they supposed to know? c) has defined themselves, their life and aspirations in a way that is not compatible with being married to you, or at all? That's not a fixable situation; that's a trap for both of you. Even in the third scenario, it's not likely that a person is going to change their entire life trajectory around to make themselves more compatible to be married to a person *who they are presently not invested in." Beyond that - if trying to sift the "dysfunctionality" from the so-called "aesexuality" issue, partners have little way to understand which is which when they are in it. It's certainly common in my dating experience to meet women who either thought themselves "not into sex" or who thought their husbands "not into sex", only to find this was not the case in the post-marriage period. It's not even that they thought they were not being truthful. In their experience, sex was something they had with their spouse, and they didn't want that. So therefore, they didn't want sex, they thought. Once the feeling of obligation was lifted, things changed. There was no way for them to intuit that their problem was not actually a sexual one when they were still in the relationship. So, while it seems that "fix the couple problem" within a dysfunctional relationship might be an obvious path, it isn't, necessarily. The best place to start is with the facts on the ground. You partner doesn't want to include sexual intimacy in the relationship and you do. What does that mean to you? Is your partner as put out by that prospect as you? Not likely. |
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 6, 2017 16:31:55 GMT -5
@mcroommate The options listed don't apply to me so I'll add a 4th...my spouse is bisexual may even be gay. He wants to have sex at times but the thought of sex with him makes my pussy close up. Wow. That is a heavy dose of reality. Courage and blessings!!! I know of one divorced couple where the H is now happily living with his new Boyfriend and his W is moving on. Back in my childhood, the family with 3 children down the street divorced and the H became soon openly gay. Another couple, the H was into anonymous gay sex as in fastfood restroom hook-ups via gay dating sites and things like that. The W busted him (I don't have the details but that must have been something). The H claimed it was "just a phase" and his W believed him - rightly or wrongly - I do not know. I am over in Europe and there are parts of town where gay married men with bushy mustaches troll the parks looking for other gay married men with bushy mustaches. Unfortunately it is in the park where I go running so I run by these guys pretty fast. I am reminded of "Kinsey sex scale" and the many degrees between absolute hetero and absolute gay - and lots of grey categories in between. Now back to you: if the thought of your H being bisexual and with another man has destroyed your attraction to him - and it is of course TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE and sympathetic if such is the case, now . . . What next? Is he just going through a "phase" and will return back to more or exclusively "heterosexual" and you in particular? Or is he having a break through and slowly coming out of the closet? We all have heard of "charade marriages" (e.g., Rock Hudson) where H gets married and has enough sex with W to have children so society buys into the fact he is heterosexual. And these days being gay is very mainstream so less need for the charade than old times. In any event, I hope YOU have the courage to know in your heart what is acceptable to you and not to tolerate what is not and if necessary the courage and discipline and support (you got it here for sure) to go forward into a brighter even if more uncertain future. PS - Gay and Bi-sexual men that are not monogamous are in a HIGH RISK of HIV infection and so be careful (I don't care if I take flack for not being politically correct, it is true - highest group: intravenous drug users, second highest risk group: Gay / Bisexual Men). It is also very easy for a man to infect a woman via unprotected Vaginal sex. You might want to abstain for your life's sake. Bushy mustaches! Gross and hilarious all in the same. At least you can make up some time while running through these spots. Lol I'm aware of the stats which is why I have the no ugly bumping rule. I've been tested for STDS and let me tell you the horror and embarrassment of it all. I have started to see my H as a different person. He's in denial he says he's not gay or bi, but rather his indiscretions were a kink. I believed it until I discovered twink porn on his computer. So I'm in this charade marriage you speak of. I've made my plan to exit. Unfortunately, won't be soon. I self medicate with a decent bottle of red now and then. I'm going to crawl my way out. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 18:45:05 GMT -5
tori Lord have mercy. Twink porn? I had to google it and now cannot "un-see" that. Well I hope you know that you are NOT alone and man there are a lot of wise and experienced folks on here. I am sorry for your situation. I feel good that you are fully aware of the situation and taking measures to protect yourself health wise and future wise. Right now I am wondering if your only option is medicating with red wine and eventually crawling your way out. A lot of folks here have organized and planned and gotten their freedom back and chance for a real satisfying relationship. I would check your position and see if there are other options for you. I would suggest starting your own thread with your story and background about your H and see what good posts and help come out of it. The folks here can really help you consider ALL YOUR OPTIONS.
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Post by h on Sept 6, 2017 18:49:37 GMT -5
tori Lord have mercy. Twink porn? I had to google it and now cannot "un-see" that. Thank you for taking one for the team so that the rest of us don't have to Google that. You may have saved us all. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 19:05:30 GMT -5
tori Lord have mercy. Twink porn? I had to google it and now cannot "un-see" that. Thank you for taking one for the team so that the rest of us don't have to Google that. You may have saved us all. LMAO - Thanks for the team spirit.  |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 19:08:58 GMT -5
I see I am not going to get any support here...just attacks on why everyone else is right.... Sorry for intruding on the space of all you high libido, great sex, had lots of and expects lots of great sex people.... Clearly this is not a place for me....unless I do and believe as the mom tells me..... I will take my leave of bring a part of the discussion.... You got my support. Yes the majority here I think are not just looking for sex per se but meaningful "intimacy" and a passionate love. In all sincerity your perspective of taking an alternative view and approach is damn worth adding to the discussion. I would hope that no one is really "judging" here. My experience has been reflecting off others experience and suggestions sometimes helps me sort through my own way. No judgment. Respect. Abide. |
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 6, 2017 19:28:12 GMT -5
tori Lord have mercy. Twink porn? I had to google it and now cannot "un-see" that. Well I hope you know that you are NOT alone and man there are a lot of wise and experienced folks on here. I am sorry for your situation. I feel good that you are fully aware of the situation and taking measures to protect yourself health wise and future wise. Right now I am wondering if your only option is medicating with red wine and eventually crawling your way out. A lot of folks here have organized and planned and gotten their freedom back and chance for a real satisfying relationship. I would check your position and see if there are other options for you. I would suggest starting your own thread with your story and background about your H and see what good posts and help come out of it. The folks here can really help you consider ALL YOUR OPTIONS. Thanks! I really appreciate your support. This is a hell I would t wish on my worst enemy. I have no option but to wait and let my plan unfold. I'm good. Strong and able. 5'4 Italian and a mighty might. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 10:56:52 GMT -5
Mine became a 2 due to medical problems. But the stress from 2 was pushing us into 3. Medical problems don't bring out the best in anybody. Rejection does not bring out the best in me.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 7, 2017 13:21:34 GMT -5
I don't know. I guess mine is maybe a cross between dysfunctional and situational. My husband was never really attracted to me and I think only married me so he wouldn't have sex outside of marriage and so someone could look after him. Well, the sex outside of marriage that he did, never really stopped. So .....
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2017 14:41:26 GMT -5
Mine became a 2 due to medical problems. But the stress from 2 was pushing us into 3. Medical problems don't bring out the best in anybody. Rejection does not bring out the best in me. I hear you there. I think that medical issues were the root cause of her lack of desire and thus the sexlessness. This led into her refusing to seek treatment for her sexual issues due to her discomfort with talking about anything sexual with anyone. Medical stuff sucks! Now I'm seriously considering ending it all because she was uncomfortable talking about sex early on and allowed our problems to snowball. |
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shep40
Junior Member
Posts: 25
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Post by shep40 on Sept 9, 2017 13:16:14 GMT -5
Since my h has never had sex with me I guess I fall in asexual category. And yes 20 yrs of this b.s means you start emotionally detaching yourself, you get angry at them for even simplest of things, you feel like you are a cranky child most of the times because you are not in a happy place & in my case since I am stay at home mum (had kids via ivf due to family pressure) I get almost nil adult interaction which makes me feel like I am going crazy. I am currently on antidepressants for past year or so. It just gets better & better (not) One of these days I am going to have a breakdown...why doesnt our partner realize the kind of damage they are doing to us? 😞
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