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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 25, 2017 8:23:21 GMT -5
Let us consider putting SM into two general camps and a third nightmare one:
1. Dysfunctional Marriage - both spouses have normal libidos and would be sexual if the relationship was healthy. The relationship has problems and so one spouse has no interest in the SPECIFIC other spouse but in another situation, this same person would be interested (healthy relationship, no toxic resentments, etc.). Here, the SM is a SYMPTOM of a dysfunctional couple that is "unhealthy" and the lack of sex is really a "dead canary in a cage" barometric reading of the marriage's poor health and toxicity level.
2. Low Libido/Asexual Spouse - Here one of the spouses is simply asexual, sexually averse, low libido for whatever reason (medical, past abuse, psychological, cultural, etc.). Even if all conditions were healthy in the couple, the refusing asexual spouse would be just as asexual/low libido with any other partner. Here the refusing non-sexual partner has a GENERAL aversion to sex it is not dependent on the specific person or situation of the couple.
3. Both Dysfunctional Marriage and Asexual Spouse - here not only is the spouse turned off by the other spouse due to bad relationship but the refusing spouse is asexual as well. This situation seems totally doomed unless both the relationship and the asexual spouse are fixed.
So when we each look at our Sexless Marriage - is it a problem of the Relationship? Or does one spouse have low libido/ asexual?
Or Lord forbid both problems are present?
Is the Sexlessness SPECIFIC (i.e. due to relationship/circumstances) or is it GENERAL (the spouse is sex averse no matter what the circumstance or partner).
If it is "Specific" then the theory would go - fix the couple problems and the sex / intimacy should follow.
If it is "General" then the theory goes the Person needs to fix their asexual/low libido nature.
In both of the above cases, whether it is "fixable" is debatable ad infinitum.
Examining my past relationship, I can definitely see that it was the dysfunction of our couple that led to the sexlessness. How is your situation?
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Post by h on Aug 25, 2017 13:20:28 GMT -5
I'm in category 2, or at least started there. Her low interest in sex led to near celibacy. I would like to point out though, that the sexlessness is leading to couple issues. Our relationship is deteriorating specifically because of the sexlessness. After years of sexual neglect, emotions fade, tempers get shorter, interaction becomes more abrupt, patience dies...
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Post by brian on Aug 25, 2017 21:04:21 GMT -5
What if you simply don't know? My room mate tells me that I have to do x, y, and z before she can feel like having sex, but are those just excuses to move the goal post? We have been over that topic countless times. If that were the case, how does she explain the first 5,10,15 years of the marriage? Why wouldn't she have sex with me then when I was still REALLY trying?
So I don't know what category my situation falls under, but I don't really care at this point. I no longer want to have sex with my room mate because it's not fun. She tolerates the bodily intrusion, and at that point a prostitute would be more interactive and pleasurable.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 26, 2017 6:59:19 GMT -5
What if you simply don't know? My room mate tells me that I have to do x, y, and z before she can feel like having sex, but are those just excuses to move the goal post? We have been over that topic countless times. If that were the case, how does she explain the first 5,10,15 years of the marriage? Why wouldn't she have sex with me then when I was still REALLY trying? So I don't know what category my situation falls under, but I don't really care at this point. I no longer want to have sex with my room mate because it's not fun. She tolerates the bodily intrusion, and at that point a prostitute would be more interactive and pleasurable. Brian, my wife would throw excuses and conditions at me, too. I just about guarantee this is a low libido symptom. My first girlfriend I was sexually active with had no such conditions with me. We wanted each other. We fucked in good times and bad times, the way a healthy sexual relationship should be. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Aug 26, 2017 17:04:09 GMT -5
3. Strikes and I am out ...
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 26, 2017 19:16:21 GMT -5
I'm in category 2, or at least started there. Her low interest in sex led to near celibacy. I would like to point out though, that the sexlessness is leading to couple issues. Our relationship is deteriorating specifically because of the sexlessness. After years of sexual neglect, emotions fade, tempers get shorter, interaction becomes more abrupt, patience dies... That is an excellent point - It has been said here countless times an essential /fundamental part of marriage is supposed to be regular sex. And so lack of it would be the point of entry / the beginnings of the crack that can take down the whole relationship. Of course sex is an integral part of intimacy and when that starts to fade and die, so often does the "couple" or there might still be a marriage and a family but with no intimacy (sex a part of it) - RoomMates, Partners in Family, Whatever you want, but no freaking couple. Anecdote - I met my old friend from college who is 52 and I ended up talking more to his frustrated wife about their sexless marriage - My friend the H is quite comfortable and admitted his libido is gone down and his wife is way over weight to find attractive. She said his time is limited. So I am bumping into dysfunctional sexless marriages with some frequency now that I am bothering to pay to attention to mine - the others show up too. Life is too short to miserable. Amen. |
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Post by baza on Aug 27, 2017 5:01:50 GMT -5
In an ILIASM shithole, it is best to abandon any thinking along the lines of what *should* be the case, or what *ought* to be the case, or what you *wish* the case might be, or how you'd *prefer* the case to be.
You are best to work on the basis of what the facts *are*.
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 27, 2017 7:24:16 GMT -5
What if you simply don't know? My room mate tells me that I have to do x, y, and z before she can feel like having sex, but are those just excuses to move the goal post? We have been over that topic countless times. If that were the case, how does she explain the first 5,10,15 years of the marriage? Why wouldn't she have sex with me then when I was still REALLY trying? So I don't know what category my situation falls under, but I don't really care at this point. I no longer want to have sex with my room mate because it's not fun. She tolerates the bodily intrusion, and at that point a prostitute would be more interactive and pleasurable. Yes "at this point" perhaps the cause is irrelevant as the damage is too deep. Man mine was deep though different circumstances and path, damage is damage. I suppose the question for whether it is the "Relationship" or the "Person" (i.e., asexual / sex averse), I would ask whether the sex and intimacy was ever good? Then at least you have a reference point or proof of healthy libido in your W. "Tolerating" bodily intrusion, Oh Lord have mercy, man that aint no good at all. I dare say paying with your pride or paying with cash, that seems to be your choices right now. My heart goes out to you. The world is filled with Woman who have Healthy Libidos and they are just out your door. The universe is not boiled down to asexual starfish or whores, there are are so many out there for YOU if you want it. You can have it all if you so desire. I am speaking to myself too. It is a question of Motive, FAITH, and action. We can all get there if we so choose and act. Respect and courage to you sir!!! |
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tori
Junior Member
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 5, 2017 13:05:47 GMT -5
@mcroommate
The options listed don't apply to me so I'll add a 4th...my spouse is bisexual may even be gay. He wants to have sex at times but the thought of sex with him makes my pussy close up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 6:00:25 GMT -5
2. In counseling, we learned what asexuality means and how it affects my h, and me consequently. I don't know how this happened. We have 2 kids. But at some point his libido took a nosedive. He doesn't have low T. But where does this leave me? I didn't fall in love with a life of celibacy.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 7:20:51 GMT -5
@mcroommate The options listed don't apply to me so I'll add a 4th...my spouse is bisexual may even be gay. He wants to have sex at times but the thought of sex with him makes my pussy close up. Wow. That is a heavy dose of reality. Courage and blessings!!! I know of one divorced couple where the H is now happily living with his new Boyfriend and his W is moving on. Back in my childhood, the family with 3 children down the street divorced and the H became soon openly gay. Another couple, the H was into anonymous gay sex as in fastfood restroom hook-ups via gay dating sites and things like that. The W busted him (I don't have the details but that must have been something). The H claimed it was "just a phase" and his W believed him - rightly or wrongly - I do not know. I am over in Europe and there are parts of town where gay married men with bushy mustaches troll the parks looking for other gay married men with bushy mustaches. Unfortunately it is in the park where I go running so I run by these guys pretty fast. I am reminded of "Kinsey sex scale" and the many degrees between absolute hetero and absolute gay - and lots of grey categories in between. Now back to you: if the thought of your H being bisexual and with another man has destroyed your attraction to him - and it is of course TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE and sympathetic if such is the case, now . . . What next? Is he just going through a "phase" and will return back to more or exclusively "heterosexual" and you in particular? Or is he having a break through and slowly coming out of the closet? We all have heard of "charade marriages" (e.g., Rock Hudson) where H gets married and has enough sex with W to have children so society buys into the fact he is heterosexual. And these days being gay is very mainstream so less need for the charade than old times. In any event, I hope YOU have the courage to know in your heart what is acceptable to you and not to tolerate what is not and if necessary the courage and discipline and support (you got it here for sure) to go forward into a brighter even if more uncertain future. PS - Gay and Bi-sexual men that are not monogamous are in a HIGH RISK of HIV infection and so be careful (I don't care if I take flack for not being politically correct, it is true - highest group: intravenous drug users, second highest risk group: Gay / Bisexual Men). It is also very easy for a man to infect a woman via unprotected Vaginal sex. You might want to abstain for your life's sake. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 7:35:19 GMT -5
2. In counseling, we learned what asexuality means and how it affects my h, and me consequently. I don't know how this happened. We have 2 kids. But at some point his libido took a nosedive. He doesn't have low T. But where does this leave me? I didn't fall in love with a life of celibacy. @sexlessonthebeach In all my "interviews" with friends when I talk about my SM - I am astounded about how many in their 40s/50s are also SM. And yes, I have very good friends of mine who readily admit that they have low libido and have no desire to take pills or anything to improve it and are quite happy being in an SM. I know one wife of one of these guys who said in his face "be careful your days are numbered" and she seemed to mean it. If you peruse these threads, the gist of it seems to be: 1. Stay (accept the SM) 2. Cheat (outsource as best you can) 3. Leave I suppose another choice is attacking the fortified position uphill, I mean trying to force your Low Libido H to take pills and perform to you (regular "genuine" passionate love making). Personally, I think "forcing" an H or W to ramp up their libido aint going to work for nobody and is doomed. If your H genuinely wants to change and get his libido back somehow (pills counseling etc.) then maybe. Courage and blessings!!! |
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Post by solitarysoul on Sept 6, 2017 9:13:06 GMT -5
2. In counseling, we learned what asexuality means and how it affects my h, and me consequently. I don't know how this happened. We have 2 kids. But at some point his libido took a nosedive. He doesn't have low T. But where does this leave me? I didn't fall in love with a life of celibacy. @sexlessonthebeach In all my "interviews" with friends when I talk about my SM - I am astounded about how many in their 40s/50s are also SM. And yes, I have very good friends of mine who readily admit that they have low libido and have no desire to take pills or anything to improve it and are quite happy being in an SM. I know one wife of one of these guys who said in his face "be careful your days are numbered" and she seemed to mean it. If you peruse these threads, the gist of it seems to be: 1. Stay (accept the SM) 2. Cheat (outsource as best you can) 3. Leave I suppose another choice is attacking the fortified position uphill, I mean trying to force your Low Libido H to take pills and perform to you (regular "genuine" passionate love making). Personally, I think "forcing" an H or W to ramp up their libido aint going to work for nobody and is doomed. If your H genuinely wants to change and get his libido back somehow (pills counseling etc.) then maybe. Courage and blessings!!! And some people here give me flack when I make statements about how sexual activity seems to drop off at older ages ...and it's quite common....and I might leave only to find myself right back in the same place....with only half my stuff.... Yes there are Sexually active people in their 40s up to their 80s...but that segment declines as age goes up....maybe that's why it gets harder for many here to find good partners.... Just saying.... My own research and discussions have supported this conclusion... |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 6, 2017 10:06:48 GMT -5
"And some people here give me flack when I make statements about how sexual activity seems to drop off at older ages ...and it's quite common....and I might leave only to find myself right back in the same place....with only half my stuff...."
Sure, sexual desire and activity does decline with age. For many, that means no sexual activity later in life. Your expecting that to be the case for you makes sense since you got your first and only partner when you were almost 30 and now are in a marriage with little sex. Others with stronger libidos, more sexual confidence or more extensive histories of great sex may have more hope for having good sex as they age, especially if they find a compatible partner.
When it comes to figuring out whether, given the uncertainty of finding a compatible, wiling partner, it makes sense to divorce one's refuser, that decision is based on individual preference. If, as was true of me, you know you would be happier alone than continuing to live with your refuser, divorce makes sense. If the companionship and other marital benefits outweigh living alone, then remaining married makes sense. Marriage while outsourcing is a bad idea if you value your marriage: an affair could cause an explosive divorce.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 6, 2017 10:32:14 GMT -5
Well, I can confirm my Libido is alive and kicking. The right lady is my natural viagra - proven and tested.
Everyone has their own way.
Another example, I have a very good friend who is 72 years old (into his 70s!!!) and he tells me with a big smile on his face - he is having the best sex of his life these days (I don't ask for details). I have another friend almost 60 and he averages 2 orgasms a day and he don't take nuthin but fine wine and a regular exercise of 10 km to half marathon runs.
And over there yes, my 40s/50s friends who are quite happy or at least accepting that libido is down and who cares.
Absolutely - no one size fits all - sex is subjective and libido is per individual.
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