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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 24, 2017 7:41:58 GMT -5
OK. I will probably get a lot of flack about SM is not fixable - and I do not doubt most of them are not.
However, for that small percentage where a healthy intimate (and sexual) relationship can be fixed / restored. I will propose the following 3 Key Factors.
1. HONESTY (do not lie - be honest with each other)
2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT/ WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TO FIX IT (It may not just be the lack of sex, in some cases the "sexlessness" is the dead canary in the cage / the barometric reading letting the couple know the couple is seriously broken and the lack of sex a symptom of deeper underlying causes.
3. EMPATHY (yes this buzzword is way over used but still valid. )
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 24, 2017 8:32:43 GMT -5
Hmmm... I thought sex was the key to fix a sexless marriage? Lol! Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Seriously, on a very high level I think that is accurate except I'm wondering if "desire" is a better number three than "empathy". Desire for a better life and desire to have sex, by both parties. Just a thought.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 24, 2017 9:01:42 GMT -5
Honesty goes against an avoidant refusers nature.
It's a tough one.
For me there was no fixing my SM because I couldn't accept it, I had to get out but there were a lot of other issues.
If the anger and resentment wasn't so great and all the other issues maybe I could have stayed but with an open marriage. I doubt he would have gone for that.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2017 16:20:22 GMT -5
OK. I will probably get a lot of flack about SM is not fixable - and I do not doubt most of them are not. However, for that small percentage where a healthy intimate (and sexual) relationship can be fixed / restored. I will propose the following 3 Key Factors. 1. HONESTY (do not lie - be honest with each other) 2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT/ WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TO FIX IT (It may not just be the lack of sex, in some cases the "sexlessness" is the dead canary in the cage / the barometric reading letting the couple know the couple is seriously broken and the lack of sex a symptom of deeper underlying causes. 3. EMPATHY (yes this buzzword is way over used but still valid. ) I agree completely. If a refuser and a refused can both use these elements, the SM has an excellent chance of fixable. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 24, 2017 17:34:31 GMT -5
I speculate that the first one, "Honesty", would have prevented my marriage in the first place.
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Post by h on Aug 24, 2017 17:41:59 GMT -5
I speculate that the first one, "Honesty", would have prevented my marriage in the first place. Same here |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 24, 2017 20:42:37 GMT -5
What will fix a sexless marriage:
I am reminded of the old joke, "How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change."
Odds are that, if we are here, we either know or we will soon know that our partners are not about to change because, for some odd reason, they don't want to find solutions.
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Post by Anonymous Steve on Aug 25, 2017 0:33:22 GMT -5
Speaking as somebody who has recently gone from a 10 year sexless marriage to a minimally sexual marriage (hey it's progress), I would say that honesty is overrated, but empathy (or more specifically the lack of it) is why most of the marriages represented here are way past the point of no return.
If I'm angry with my wife about the sexlessness of our marriage, is telling her that I'm angry really going to make her feel more desire for me? If I don't tell her, things improve, and I am no longer angry, does it really matter that I didn't tell her? There are times when honesty is helpful and there are times when it is not.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 25, 2017 3:45:17 GMT -5
OK. I will probably get a lot of flack about SM is not fixable - and I do not doubt most of them are not. However, for that small percentage where a healthy intimate (and sexual) relationship can be fixed / restored. I will propose the following 3 Key Factors. 1. HONESTY (do not lie - be honest with each other) 2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT/ WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TO FIX IT (It may not just be the lack of sex, in some cases the "sexlessness" is the dead canary in the cage / the barometric reading letting the couple know the couple is seriously broken and the lack of sex a symptom of deeper underlying causes. 3. EMPATHY (yes this buzzword is way over used but still valid. ) None of these matter if there is not a desire to fix things from both sides. No desire = no chance. That is one reason why counseling is often the ultimate reset. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 25, 2017 5:20:46 GMT -5
Counseling is a reset we have not tried.
Empathy is not going to work for me. I've been too understanding, already.
What has goaded my marriage out of the official sexless marriage category has been duress. She's stressed about losing me. That is not the kind of connection I want, though, so it's really not a fix.
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 25, 2017 7:50:13 GMT -5
OK. I will probably get a lot of flack about SM is not fixable - and I do not doubt most of them are not. However, for that small percentage where a healthy intimate (and sexual) relationship can be fixed / restored. I will propose the following 3 Key Factors. 1. HONESTY (do not lie - be honest with each other) 2. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT/ WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TO FIX IT (It may not just be the lack of sex, in some cases the "sexlessness" is the dead canary in the cage / the barometric reading letting the couple know the couple is seriously broken and the lack of sex a symptom of deeper underlying causes. 3. EMPATHY (yes this buzzword is way over used but still valid. ) None of these matter if there is not a desire to fix things from both sides. No desire = no chance. That is one reason why counseling is often the ultimate reset. Thank-you shamwow absolutely !!! and this would be the "honesty" part. If one spouse has no desire or will manifesting then he/she should be honest about it and not waste time. This would also fall into the category of "Know what you want" - if one spouse does not want to fix things then no way. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 25, 2017 7:53:23 GMT -5
Counseling is a reset we have not tried. Empathy is not going to work for me. I've been too understanding, already. What has goaded my marriage out of the official sexless marriage category has been duress. She's stressed about losing me. That is not the kind of connection I want, though, so it's really not a fix. Thanks ironhamster In my case, I can see the sexless marriage as being a RESULT of other problems in the marriage - too busy with life, loss of respect of the other partner - almost mutual - taking for granted - etc. In your case, do you think the Sexlessness is the CAUSE or also a result/ symptom of other underlying problems? Of course there are spouses here who have H/W who have low libido or otherwise are generally asexual but there are those cases too where the H/W is just "sexless" towards the SPECIFIC person but otherwise might have a normal libido. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 25, 2017 7:58:07 GMT -5
These principles help fix any relationship. If you are honest with me, and I know what I want, then I can have empathy for you while also admitting that what you present is or isn't what I'm looking for (even in a friend or acquaintance dynamic).
I like these guiding ideas but I don't feel their value is unique to SM. These are values to be practiced all day every day, as much as possible.
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 25, 2017 8:11:21 GMT -5
Speaking as somebody who has recently gone from a 10 year sexless marriage to a minimally sexual marriage (hey it's progress), I would say that honesty is overrated, but empathy (or more specifically the lack of it) is why most of the marriages represented here are way past the point of no return. If I'm angry with my wife about the sexlessness of our marriage, is telling her that I'm angry really going to make her feel more desire for me? If I don't tell her, things improve, and I am no longer angry, does it really matter that I didn't tell her? There are times when honesty is helpful and there are times when it is not. _Steve Appreciate your point. One of the things I was trying to aim at was where the Sexlessness is a SYMPTOM of other problems but not the cause. Let us consider putting SM into two general camps: 1. Dysfunctional Marriage - both spouses have normal libidos and would be sexual if the relationship was healthy. The relationship has problems and the spouse has no interest in the SPECIFIC H/W but in another situation would be interested. Here, the relationship if fixed would result /restoration of normal sex life. I would say here the SM is a SYMPTOM. 2. Low Libido/Asexual Spouse - Here no matter what the H/W does the spouse is GENERALLY not into sex for whatever reason (past abuse, medical condition, etc.) and the focus here is fixing the low libido/asexual nature - if it is fixible. There is no identifiable problem with the relationship or the specific spouse, the Sexlessness can be fully attributable to the low libido or asexual nature of the spouse. This leads to the next question and that is when one looks at the Sexlessness is it a problem of the Relationship? Or does one spouse have low libido? Is the Sexlessness SPECIFIC (i.e. due to relationship/circumstances) or is it GENERAL (the spouse is sex averse no matter what the circumstance or partner). If it is "Specific" then the theory would go - fix the couple problems and the sex / intimacy should follow. If it is "General" then the theory goes the Person needs to fix their asexual/low libido nature. In both of the above cases, whether it is "fixible" is debatable ad infinitum. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 25, 2017 8:56:33 GMT -5
Counseling is a reset we have not tried. Empathy is not going to work for me. I've been too understanding, already. What has goaded my marriage out of the official sexless marriage category has been duress. She's stressed about losing me. That is not the kind of connection I want, though, so it's really not a fix. Thanks ironhamster In my case, I can see the sexless marriage as being a RESULT of other problems in the marriage - too busy with life, loss of respect of the other partner - almost mutual - taking for granted - etc. In your case, do you think the Sexlessness is the CAUSE or also a result/ symptom of other underlying problems? Of course there are spouses here who have H/W who have low libido or otherwise are generally asexual but there are those cases too where the H/W is just "sexless" towards the SPECIFIC person but otherwise might have a normal libido. True, @mcroommate. There is more than one path to our common problem. In my case, I do not believe it is person specific. I think I got the "bait and switch." As such, there is no fix. We can't get back to where we were because it never was. |
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