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Hello
Aug 23, 2017 16:33:01 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by aguywithneeds on Aug 23, 2017 16:33:01 GMT -5
Hello all, first post kinda lurked this site for some time, thought I'd tell you my story, and see what you all make of it. Well I'm 31 married for 10 years 3 kids, I am in excellent physical shape and a very dashing young man. My sex life is kinda non existent, maybe 7 times in the last 3 years, and I'm kinda bummed out about it. About 9 months ago I kinda gave up, and the only thing that is different is I don't have to deal with the rejection, but I'm still lonely and exhausted. I have done everything I can but have the talk with divorce papers in hand. In her defensive she does have mental health issues, nothing crazy, but the thing is she refused to take her meds, which makes her a really mean person also refused to go to the doctor for med changes or hormone tests. I feel like I'm the bane of her existence, if something went wrong, it's my fault, regardless of the situation, our talks turn into what I'm doing wrong, I hardly ever get two words in so I basically go through the motions. We haven't slept in the same bed in 6 years, and when she did agree to sex it was hurry up or make it quick. She is a stay at home mom, we do have a small child, but I hardly think that's the reason because it was happening before, yes the youngest sleeps through the night, and takes naps. But I'm tired, headache not feeling well so on so forth. The first two years were Bliss, even with our first child, 5-7 times a week she would have multiple orgasms so on so forth, but as time went on she became less frequent until we are here now. I hate talking to her about this kinda thing she turns me into some sort of pervert, all you want is sex. No I want to be loved, desired, appreciated, along with the sex. But I get belittled and aggressively berated, and funny thing is I have never raised my voice towards her, but she'll scream at me throw things, its hard to put on my happy face for the kids. Sorry for the long post.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 23, 2017 16:44:32 GMT -5
I am so sorry you have found yourself here.
Your marriage is not normal and it's not healthy for your kids to see growing up. I recommend you talk to an attorney just to get educated on if a divorce is financially feasible.
As far as how she would feel if you got a divorce - who cares?
Love yourself more than her.
I've been there and had your thoughts. I could remember thinking while I grocery shopped, "if I divorce him he will have to shop for food".
I was codependent - not healthy.
Talk to an attorney first.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 23, 2017 16:54:50 GMT -5
"Pervert"?! "All you want is sex"?!
Very familiar. It's pretty common from what I have seen for a refuser to portray their spouse as the one with the problem. It is to their obvious advantage to make the victim look like the bad guy.
The problem is not you. I'm sure she knows it, since your sex life with her was once amply healthy. I know if I lost my drive I'd be visiting whatever medical specialists promised the best results at any price. The facts that she is unconcerned and defensive are important for you to consider.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 23, 2017 17:05:15 GMT -5
From what you say, a large part of the problem is she refused to take the prescribed medication for her mental health problems.that decision has to be not only affecting your sex life but also the general well being of your household. This includes harming her ability to appropriately parent. If she is treating you badly, imagine how she probably treats your defenseless child.
And things aren't likely to change for the better if she continued to neglect her mental health problems.
If you decide to divorce, I hope you will fight for full custody.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 23, 2017 17:05:56 GMT -5
The kids. (Heart breaking)
I am staying for the sake of the kids. I know others that are, but in all cases we are civil to our spouses. The kids may or may not know something is up. In some cases the spouses are painfully aware that their partner is outsourcing sex, but the home life for the kids is stable so they keep their mouths shut.
I have a real problem with the idea of staying for the kids when the home becomes dysfunctional. The home is already broken even if the marriage is legally intact.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Aug 23, 2017 17:39:57 GMT -5
Thanks, I'm pretty much here for the kids, she can be very vicious and ruthless towards them, I normally step in. It's usually towards the boys, good for them they are in school and our schedules are almost the same so I can bear the brunt of it when she flys off the handle at them. When she was on her meds she was very much the loving caring compassionate person I fell in love with. Our home life isn't that bad, I do most of the house work, cooking cleaning so on, we have good conversation no bickering back and forth, it's more like a switch, one thing she'll snap and raise hell and I'm on damage control. There was a post on here a guy was in a similar situation, and his wife was diagnosed with some sort of anxiety and she started to chill out but he wanted to still leave because the damage had been done. I feel that way sometimes, like even if we had a great weekend and everything was going great and she was all over me, it'd feel wrong, like intamacy and physical touch is alien to me now. There would have to be some real life changes to be made to keep me, 7 years the oldest will be out of the house and the other two will be old enough to choose who they wanted to live with. She really is a good person, just expects too much from the people you shouldn't expect anything from, your family. I don't know if it's out of love or she is unhappy with us. I've been forced to learn how to live celibate, sometimes it's easier, and now that I've accepted it, and turned off my desire for her, even easier. Just really sucks sometimes.
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Post by csl on Aug 23, 2017 20:49:39 GMT -5
Next time she starts throwing things, call the police.
Start using the record feature on your phone.
Document, document, document.
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Hello
Aug 23, 2017 21:20:16 GMT -5
Post by baza on Aug 23, 2017 21:20:16 GMT -5
You say you have - "done everything I can but have the talk with divorce papers in hand" - Brother aguywithneeds So, when you are ready, and have your legal advice and exit strategy worked out, try that. |
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Hello
Aug 23, 2017 21:45:09 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by aguywithneeds on Aug 23, 2017 21:45:09 GMT -5
Yeah, I don't want to go the divorce route yet, I'm holding on for a change, I haven't had the ah ha moment yet where I just wake up and say I'm done. She has PTSD, so manic,depression, rage attacks and trouble sleeping. The turning point I think is when they said her dose of Prozac was to high and it's been a mismatch of different pills since that all come with undesirable side effects so she's not taking any. I'm hoping the new doctor will work with her, if not I'm going to see him a tell him the things we go through when he plays pick a pill with his cracker barrel box PhD, frightened children and a husband at his wits end.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Aug 23, 2017 21:51:24 GMT -5
Oh and ironhamster, you bet if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be at every doctors office, spending every dime, not only because I like to have sex, but I want to please my partner, if she's not happy than neither am I.
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Hello
Aug 23, 2017 22:15:10 GMT -5
Post by baza on Aug 23, 2017 22:15:10 GMT -5
Unless you are planning on being immortal Brother aguywithneeds , you marriage IS going to end. Death or divorce will see to that fact. So even if your marriage was not an ILIASM shithole, it would be highly prudent to have a plan to cover a scenario where you were no longer married. Given that you ARE in an ILIASM shithole - with the exponentially increased probability of divorce looming in your future - then the need to have a do-able plan to cover this eventuality is a necessity. As you say - "I don't want to go the divorce route yet" - so the idea would be to start, now, on getting the appropriate legal advice, do-able exit strategy, support network and advice about helping the kids transition through such an event. And when / if the "aha moment" you refer to happens, you'll be prepared. |
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Post by aguywithneeds on Aug 23, 2017 22:40:05 GMT -5
I ve already kinda started to map this out in the event things go south, I already talked with my mom, she agreed to move in with me and look after the kids,my job requires a family care plan because I don't have set hours and can be called anytime to go in for however long they needed me there, so there has to be a guardian. I've basically done everything but go to the lawyer.
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Hello
Aug 23, 2017 22:49:23 GMT -5
Post by baza on Aug 23, 2017 22:49:23 GMT -5
Then seeing the lawyer would be the next logical step.
You would then be making your choice from a fully informed position.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 23, 2017 22:51:08 GMT -5
"Yeah, I don't want to go the divorce route yet, I'm holding on for a change, I haven't had the ah ha moment yet where I just wake up and say I'm done. She has PTSD, so manic,depression, rage attacks and trouble sleeping. " Lack of sex may have brought you here, but compared to what else is going on, it's a minor issue. A major issue is the damage that your kids are experiencing due to living with an out of control mother. Great that you've talked to your mom about moving in. I urge you to see a lawyer ASAP and to get the ball rolling on at least a separation, with you and your mom caring for your kids. The change you are hoping for isn't going to come unless your wife goes back on medication, which sounds unlikely. Meanwhile, the situation could be very dangerous for your children. This is no time to hope for a miracle. It's time to get to a lawyer and do what you can to protect the innocent children who can not protect themselves. A resource that also may be helpful in that it would allow you to connect with others living with mentally people is NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness. www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 24, 2017 3:16:55 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are in that situation.
My heart breaks reading your post. Your sentence structure and word choice made me feel as if your light is rather dim at the moment. I hope the support of this group as well as gaining a bit more personal value may brighten you up a little.
As far as your W, in my life I would have to say the scariest kind of abuse is the outburst kind. As a child it is terrifying. Please document somewhere or record in some fashion when and why.
With an abusive drunk you can learn a pattern, it may not be a solid one but it gives you an idea of when to hide or be cautious. The sporadic anger and aggression is too shocking and abrupt to be predictable, these kinds of outbursts can be exceedingly damaging to a young psyche. I hope you can have a calm conversation with her about how her actions will effect her children forever and possibly convince her to take medication again or at least talk to someone. That isn't a fun way for her to live either.
A few years back I spoke with a young mother who had anger outbursts and anxiety and she nearly killed her child in red rage and did not even know she was doing it. (Not that I imagine such an episode will happen to you or your family but more be aware that these issues could result in physical/psycholgist scares for all parties involved.)
I hope you can read and learn. You are not a pervert, you deserve love and intimacy with you life partner.
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