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Libido
Aug 20, 2017 20:28:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by carl on Aug 20, 2017 20:28:08 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances.
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Post by wom360 on Aug 20, 2017 21:01:34 GMT -5
Zero. Sex is a choice and required in marriage barring a bonafide physical medical condition. And even that would only earn a pass for that one issue.
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Post by baza on Aug 20, 2017 21:14:27 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. For me, that would depend. If they are upfront and honest about it from the get go I would give that total respect. (I would also give them a wide berth as a potential life partner personally) If however, they engage in *bait and switch* or other dishonest chicanery to hide their true nature, I do not respect that at all. The problem here is NOT that someone has a very low libido. That is not a crime or a weakness or a character flaw or anything of the kind. It is simply a fact. The potential problem is lying about it. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 20, 2017 21:19:49 GMT -5
We all change as we age...and for most, libido tapers as we age....the trick is we may lose libido as different rates...
In the end, communication and respect can get strong couples through.... But only a few ever get in those types of strong relationships....
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Post by merrygoround on Aug 20, 2017 23:58:35 GMT -5
I'm with baza on this one. I can deal with anything if there is honesty and communication from the outset, whatever the issue is - but hiding truths and stringing someone along I cannot. |
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 21, 2017 1:19:55 GMT -5
Providing they were quite clear about their low sex drive from the beginning, that is perfectly acceptable; if they've been honest and open from the start then the other person can make an informed choice as to whether or not they continue the relationship.
However, if the person with low libido doesn't make plain their situation, then they are deceitful and that is not acceptable.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 21, 2017 1:42:45 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. It depends. My wife is, at best, low libido. Depending on what is going on in our relationship, I am pretty bipolar on compassion. Right now, we are a month into a reset sex period, following me getting busted for an attempted affair, a first after twenty three years of fidelity. I find that I do not want to hurt her. Compare that to my attitude during the dry spell which precipitated the attempt. At that point, I was ready to walk shirtless in front of her bearing the claw marks from my soon to be AP. I don't want to do that, right now. I'd keep my shirt on while they healed. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 21, 2017 3:11:14 GMT -5
I'd like to agree with baza too I think if told the truth it's something that in a genuine relationship between two people who genuinely love and respect each other it's just something to come to terms with and work together on - after all if you are engaged in a loving relationship there are so many ways to satisfy each other physically than the 'traditional' method. The problem comes when it's merely an excuse fuelled by a lack of consideration to the other. |
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Post by brian on Aug 21, 2017 5:13:59 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. As an interesting intellectual exercise, let's switch this around a bit... How much compassion would you have for someone who simply doesn't want to discuss anything? Every morning, they wish to sleep in and not talk before you go to work. Every evening, they sit at the table on their electronic devices, but every night when you went to bed they fuck you until they are satisfied (without words), then fall asleep. Now, what if, prior to marriage, the two of you had long talks every day, shared your lives in every way. Would you still feel compassion for that person? Although this is a "Sexless Marriage" forum, I bet nearly everyone here would agree when I say, "That would suck every bit as much as what our SM was/has been," and we would outsource our need for conversation and connection. Oddly enough, THAT would be seen as socially acceptable, where outsourcing sexual needs is seen as cheating. Go figure. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 21, 2017 10:07:46 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. My situation is similar to this. Compassion, sure. But compassion doesn't counteract the frustration, craving, and mismatch. To Baza's point, the level of compassion and understanding depends greatly on their willingness to discuss it; especially about how it affects the other spouse, and how they're going to address that. Marriage is a partnership, not two people looking out for just their own interests. To ignore the reality that one's actions affect the other, or worse, for one to intentionally take advantage of the other... that isn't marriage. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 21, 2017 10:41:32 GMT -5
Zero. Sex is a choice and required in marriage barring a bonafide physical medical condition. And even that would only earn a pass for that one issue. This is a pretty strong opinion. If desired sex level is such a choice, in an situation, you should easily be able to choose to decrease your desire to match your partner better. Have you considered making the choice to not want sex so much? |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 21, 2017 10:45:37 GMT -5
I am with Dry Creek here.
I have a lot of compassion and, after countless hours of discussions and research, some understanding. However, this compassion only keeps me here, trying.
He actually loves me, he gives me words of affirmation and time and is patient when I talk with him. He does not yell or lie or avoid me all the time. We are open and exceedingly honest. That does not change how I feel at night when I am craving this type of love that I know he can't provide to me in the way I want it.
This compassion and understanding keeps me trying and hoping for a compromise
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Post by shamwow on Aug 21, 2017 12:27:23 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. For me, that would depend. If they are upfront and honest about it from the get go I would give that total respect. (I would also give them a wide berth as a potential life partner personally) If however, they engage in *bait and switch* or other dishonest chicanery to hide their true nature, I do not respect that at all. The problem here is NOT that someone has a very low libido. That is not a crime or a weakness or a character flaw or anything of the kind. It is simply a fact. The potential problem is lying about it. I agree with this 1000%. If my ex had been upfront that sex would disappear as soon as the words "I do" were uttered, I would have respected that. Granted, I wouldn't have married her, but I would have respected it. Of course, now she also wouldn't be a middle-aged woman starting over, so there are practical reasons to be upfront too. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 21, 2017 12:31:02 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. It depends. My wife is, at best, low libido. Depending on what is going on in our relationship, I am pretty bipolar on compassion. Right now, we are a month into a reset sex period, following me getting busted for an attempted affair, a first after twenty three years of fidelity. I find that I do not want to hurt her. Compare that to my attitude during the dry spell which precipitated the attempt. At that point, I was ready to walk shirtless in front of her bearing the claw marks from my soon to be AP. I don't want to do that, right now. I'd keep my shirt on while they healed. I wouldn't call that bi-polar. It's complex. Previously, you wanted to ring the alarm bell. If I recall from your posts, you didn't care if you got busted or not. I actually think you kind of wanted to get busted. Now that you're a month into a reset sex period, it is time to contemplate what you want to do next. That is up to you. But swinging back and forth emotionally isn't unusual in your situation. |
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Post by csl on Aug 21, 2017 12:37:20 GMT -5
How much compassion would you have for a refuser with simply a very low libido. Nothing else, no other problem, just not wired up for much sex what ever the circumstances. I guess that my question would be, "So she has a low, even super-low libido. But what is s/he doing with it?" If they aren't married and screwing over a spouse, more power to 'em. If they ARE married, it still comes down to what they are doing with it. Just because sex thoughts don't cross the neurons doesn't mean that you can't accept an invitation when it is presented. My compassion is going to be contingent upon the default response to an invitation to canoodle. If default is "yes", then plenty of compassion. If the default is "no", none. |
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