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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 14:28:18 GMT -5
I also think if the LL person had made it clear before the wedding that he/she was not a sexual person, then that would be fine. However, so many LL's tell the other person that he/she is going to really want a lot of sex in marriage, then they have misled the other person. A divorce/annulment is warranted immediately in that case. I should have done that as soon as my refuser rejected me on the wedding night.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 14:55:45 GMT -5
Mr. Kat started out with a pretty good libido, then had health problems which diminished it.
I had (and still have) much compassion for him. Even if I'm never in his bed again, I hope for his sake that this improves.
What was messed up about us was this: I got the feeling that this was how things would be, FOREVER, and that he expected me to be perfectly fine with it.
If he had truly understood how much it hurt me that he didn't even have the motivation to try non-PIV sexual things....if we had been able to comfort each other and stay open to each other, instead of each hiding our own hearts....then, who knows, maybe we'd still be together.
Our relationship was great for the first 7 years, and actually pretty solid for another 5 after that. The last couple of years, we just brought out the worst in each other.
But I still feel a lot of compassion for him.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 21, 2017 19:05:17 GMT -5
Part of the reason a couple should have sex in a relationship is for intimacy and connection. Sex is what makes a relationship reach romantic love. So in my opinion if a partner is LL then they need to go to the dr and fix it. We on this forum are extreme cases there is a fundamental dishonesty in a lot of the marriages. I could have and had reason to divorce my ex from year one but I didn't until 23 torturous years later. Refusing to address the problem and impose celibacy in a marriage is a dealbreaker.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 21, 2017 23:21:23 GMT -5
I have a lot of compassion. I also have a choice. Of my own.
I had compassion for my Ex and for myself when I filed for divorce.
Compassion does not preclude taking the actions I chose.
I have lots of compassion.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 22, 2017 1:40:35 GMT -5
Yes, you have to have compassion
Without having compassion for my wife I don't think I would have been able to end our marriage and move on without the anger, resentment, guilt etc.
I have enough crap to sort out without dealing with those as well
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Post by orangepeel on Aug 22, 2017 2:52:44 GMT -5
I also think if the LL person had made it clear before the wedding that he/she was not a sexual person, then that would be fine. However, so many LL's tell the other person that he/she is going to really want a lot of sex in marriage, then they have misled the other person. A divorce/annulment is warranted immediately in that case. I should have done that as soon as my refuser rejected me on the wedding night. My wife was lying when she fucked my head off before and early in the marriage, but in retrospect, she was lying to herself and not to me: every fuck was an attempt to prove to herself that she wasn't sexually uptight because of a repressive upbringing. When she hit early middle age, she gave up the fight and just stopped fucking. Period. I've got compassion for her reasons; but I'm seriously (and, for the long-term health of the marriage, dangerously) resentful of her total lack of will even to begin to contemplate confronting the issue. |
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Libido
Aug 22, 2017 9:46:35 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2017 9:46:35 GMT -5
orangepeel, I really hope you confront her about this issue and she addresses it. If not, I hope you a peaceful exit.
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Libido
Aug 22, 2017 14:48:01 GMT -5
via mobile
itme likes this
Post by orangepeel on Aug 22, 2017 14:48:01 GMT -5
Thanks - I do appreciate that. I've tried, but she ducks and weaves. You know how it is; we all know how it is.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2017 14:53:29 GMT -5
I have a lot of compassion for my spouse but that's developed later in our 30 year relationship. I was resentful for a long time but made my peace with it about 5 years ago. I know she tries and that it falls short of what I would like is on me, not really on her. There is one great enigma in the SM based upon low libido. Either sex is a big deal, or it isn't, it can't be both. Many refusing spouses have the "it's not a big deal" argument. Well, if it's not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal when I want to have it either.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 22, 2017 15:09:40 GMT -5
I have a lot of compassion for my spouse but that's developed later in our 30 year relationship. I was resentful for a long time but made my peace with it about 5 years ago. I know she tries and that it falls short of what I would like is on me, not really on her. There is one great enigma in the SM based upon low libido. Either sex is a big deal, or it isn't, it can't be both. Many refusing spouses have the "it's not a big deal" argument. Well, if it's not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal when I want to have it either. Allow me to give my own knee jerk reaction to "it's not a big deal" argument. Well, if it's not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal when I want to have it either. It's the opening to a DARVO. there's a reversal coming, a total avoidance of deeper issues, not yours, HERS! I was given that line too. With more digging came more. "I don't see the need for it". "It's not important to me". Then came the big one when asked about once a week? "I don't think I could ever do that!" Total denial of what once was! I can't leave out the " I detached myself from you over two years ago", line. For me it's more than her low libido it's about having to share, be vulnerable, open up, afraid to give up the least amount of control. It would also signify that she was wrong, all those years, and in the present. Ya...good luck hearing that, or any actions that will show it. |
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Post by h on Aug 22, 2017 16:37:46 GMT -5
I have a lot of compassion for my spouse but that's developed later in our 30 year relationship. I was resentful for a long time but made my peace with it about 5 years ago. I know she tries and that it falls short of what I would like is on me, not really on her. There is one great enigma in the SM based upon low libido. Either sex is a big deal, or it isn't, it can't be both. Many refusing spouses have the "it's not a big deal" argument. Well, if it's not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal when I want to have it either. How about a response such as: If it's not a big deal, then it shouldn't be a big deal if I get it somewhere else. I wonder if that would make a difference in their perspective. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 22, 2017 19:16:23 GMT -5
I have a lot of compassion for my spouse but that's developed later in our 30 year relationship. I was resentful for a long time but made my peace with it about 5 years ago. I know she tries and that it falls short of what I would like is on me, not really on her. There is one great enigma in the SM based upon low libido. Either sex is a big deal, or it isn't, it can't be both. Many refusing spouses have the "it's not a big deal" argument. Well, if it's not a big deal then it shouldn't be a big deal when I want to have it either. How about a response such as: If it's not a big deal, then it shouldn't be a big deal if I get it somewhere else. I wonder if that would make a difference in their perspective. In most cases, I think it does matter to them. My W knows she cannot deliver what I want, but the idea of me outsourcing is at best painfully sad for her. She is adamantly opposed to opening up the marriage in any way. That's not love, that's control. |
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2017 21:17:30 GMT -5
Really, you are both arguing the same point.
Her - "my minimal need for sex is - almost - more important to me than the future of the marriage"
You - "my need for sex is - almost - more important to me than the future of the marriage"
When one of you takes the step from "is - almost" to "is" marks then it's over.
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