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Post by wewbwb on May 10, 2016 14:03:21 GMT -5
lovespirit - That is something we all struggle with. However the: What if's? And If only's? -is a road that leads to madness. So we are here for you to vent and rage and scream and curse the universe. And we will support you always (eveyone here already hates him ) but ALSO ask you the "tough love" questions (looking at you ZumbaMami - and smiling so please don't hit me)  |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:12:18 GMT -5
Hi lovespirit, you are among folks here that have gone or are going through your struggle. I hope you find the answers that you seek, but truly the answers will come from inside you. My only advise to you is to pick one problem at a time and work on it. You say finances are the big sticking point to leaving. Focus on that, find a way that suits you and go for it.
I wish you luck and I hope you find peace.
P.S. I don't think there are any "typical" cheaters. Every situation is unique. Most of us here that go outside of our marriage for intimacy or just plain sex do so because our spouses are cheating us out of that thing we need the most. You might look at it as a sign of weakness, okay, but there is also strength in taking that first step away from your sexless situation. I'm not saying you should go out and do it. I'm just saying don't discard it simply because of the names attached to it. Again, good luck to you! It's nice to meet you, snowman. You are correct in your advice. We have accumulated a lot of STUFF over the years. Garages full. Since my husband turns to buying things instead of any real affection (and I admittedly have done some of the same due to the lack of affection/attention) we have a hoard of stuff. No kidding. I told him I'm getting rid of everything I can part with, and it's time to "lighten the load". He didn't say much, but gave me a little snarl. I can't drag this stuff around anymore. It's weighing me down. I'm going to sell what I can and see if I can stash some money away. You are right, every situation is different. I certainly don't judge anyone for going outside their marriage, and think if I had someone else it would help me immensely...even just a friend of the opposite sex to spend time with and hug. I've been down a similar road before. My ex-husband cheated on me for years and I became extremely depressed. I was done putting up with being shit on, so I went out and found a FWB. Eventually I found someone in a similar situation and we started a relationship. That relationship, although it didn't last, saved my life. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive, bordering on physical. He used to use sex for control, and deny me any when he wasn't happy with me. Having a lover brought back my self-esteem, and gave me the courage to form an exit plan with his support. I don't regret what I did, although it was hard living a double-life I guess you would say. I wouldn't hesitate to do it right now, and it's not like the opportunity couldn't have presented itself with a few people, I just didn't have the courage at the time to let it go that far. I'm starting to gain my courage again. You go through your day to day routine and think maybe you can put up with this just a little bit longer, but then it's another holiday, or another birthday or...whatever is in the way. I keep telling myself that I know the marriage would look even worse to me if I was on the outside looking in. It's such a distorted view from inside this hole of a place. Anyway, I understand completely and relate to anyone that feels the need to go outside of their marriage to meet their needs, and it's certainly not off the table for me....Thank you so much for your response! Wishing much happiness for you! {hugs} |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:13:12 GMT -5
Hi Lovespirit and welcome here. Hi tamara68! Glad to meet you |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:20:53 GMT -5
You're in a judgment-free zone lovespirit . This group is a great place to rant and rave, and bounce ideas, thoughts and feelings. I much prefer it to EP, as EP was just "too much," for me. Glad you joined us. Thank you, Z. That's what I've needed, a place to get it out and bounce ideas.... I already love the people and advice here. I enjoyed EP, but yes there was a lot more "noise" over there. These boards are much more quiet and intimate. As I told Dan, I was the owner of a board like this one, although a different subject entirely, so I know my way around here pretty well and enjoy the forum setting. I feel right at home. Glad to meet you and that I can be here, despite the unfortunate circumstances. |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:31:13 GMT -5
This site is definitely the right place for us, lovespirit... I am in almost the exact same boat as you, except switch HE for SHE and there you go. It is soooooooo refreshing to hear I am not alone it this.
I feel the same about my wife... she was definitely a different person when we met than she is now. I feel like it was the classic stereotype---get roped in with lots of love and affection in the beginning, but then they gradually reveal that their type of love language is not the same as yours... much too late.
If my wife had told me in the early years that her expectations in our marriage would be activities and socializing, and that she really was not a sexual, affectionate person... who knows. What I do know is that I have always been a sexual, affectionate person, and that has not changed. I never misrepresented myself (that I know of!). I feel SHE misrepresented what she really wanted in our relationship, and the revealing came way too late. Oh boy! Let *refreshing* be the word of the day then. lol I appreciate your post so much! I know some of us relate to certain situations more than others, and I'm sorry you have to deal with such a similar scenario, but I am glad you're here and happy to know you. My husband has been married before, it was only for a couple of years, but it was an on again, off again relationship that they had years before getting married. They had one child together early on, and one while married. She cheated on him, and at this point I don't blame her one bit. I've sincerely asked him if he was this way with her and that's why she did, and his only response is "maybe so". Arghhhh! I know there may have been a red flag that I overlooked when we got together, maybe there was a lot more of them than I thought and he was just putting on a big act because he was tired of being alone. I don't know. I feel absolutely the same about the misrepresentation. I think his ideas about marriage must have been different than my own from the beginning. He has a very warped view of what a relationship is supposed to be like, admittedly so, because of his past relationships and the relationships of his parents and family members. I wish I had known that long ago. |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:34:10 GMT -5
Welcome to the ILIASM Hotel California where most of us stay, but never leave. Ha! Thanks angryspartan. I've often thought of my marriage as being Hotel California. lol Glad to meet you |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:36:07 GMT -5
Well, you have found a place where people can actually understand how you feel. And no one will judge you for anything you say or do. I have not posted my story here, but it is in my blog listed below. Some people have found it cathartic to read. Thank you, flashjohn I will definitely check out your blog later this evening when I have some more time. Would love to read your story. |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:40:53 GMT -5
I know it's not me, but it's oh so hard not to blame yourself. I replay everything in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong to cause all of this. All I did was try to be a good, loving wife...I've had guy friends tell me before that a woman that wants sex often would be like a dream come true, and I always enjoyed a healthy sex life before him, except for control issues with my mentally abusive ex. I just don't understand how someone can flip a switch and not desire you anymore. It doesn't make sense to me. Ok, I have to reply one more time. Let me assure you, it is NOT you! Please go to the Welcome section and read my post, "A Post about YOU." It will give you some better perspective. The spouse who refuses to fuck the other spouse is the one who should feel guilty. Thank you, I will! I saw that post and haven't read it yet. It's amazing how they turn things around and make you feel like the FREAK for even thinking about it. If I bring up the subject, I generally spend the whole time talking to myself. He will usually clam up until the subject is changed. He truly believes that we will be together forever. I don't know how on earth he thinks I'm going to live the rest of my life like this!!?!?!?! |
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:44:44 GMT -5
lovespirit - That is something we all struggle with. However the: What if's? And If only's? -is a road that leads to madness. So we are here for you to vent and rage and scream and curse the universe. And we will support you always (eveyone here already hates him ) but ALSO ask you the "tough love" questions (looking at you ZumbaMami - and smiling so please don't hit me) Much appreciated! I grew tired of talking to myself long ago. I love the interaction, and I know there is much more venting to come. Thanks for the support everyone. |
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Post by angryspartan on May 10, 2016 14:47:24 GMT -5
Welcome to the ILIASM Hotel California where most of us stay, but never leave. Ha! Thanks angryspartan. I've often thought of my marriage as being Hotel California. lol Glad to meet you Likewise. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 10, 2016 14:57:27 GMT -5
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.
We are all here to support you.
I was in a SM for 23 years and the last thirteen were basically celibate. Everything you said resonated with me including the feelings about the other man.
I left my marriage and got a divorce in January.
If I can give you some advice it would be to prepare for the divorce if you choose that route. See an attorney, save money, focus on yourself and prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that new way of life.
As well if you choose to leave then leave because it's what you truly want for yourself knowing that love may or may not come your way.
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Post by sand5280 on May 10, 2016 15:01:42 GMT -5
Thank you for listening to all my gibberish. Sorry to drag this out so much... I'm so tired of carrying this heavy burden alone. I think I may have a spare computer keyboard, after you banged all that out. And afterward you leaned back with a sigh, as some of the feelings inside drifted up and out, to be read by lots of friends here. There was not a word of gibberish. Plenty of shoulders to lean on are available. |
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Post by LITW on May 10, 2016 15:09:36 GMT -5
I just don't understand how someone can flip a switch and not desire you anymore. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't get it either, but it happened to me twice, once with my ex, and again with my current wife. With my current wife, it actually happened sooner. Since it has happened to me twice, its hard to believe that I am not somehow defective, or if the fact they stopped desiring me is my fault. Being in a sexless relationship really messes with your head. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2016 16:24:09 GMT -5
I'm glad you found this place, although I'm sorry you need it.
You said two things that really piqued my interest:
First, you said you've had health problems AND that you still have a high sex drive. This is HUGE. Many of us have refusers who use health problems as the excuse for the no-sex bullshit. That was my ex's thing. Every time I hear a story about somebody who was willing and able in spite of health problems, I feel vindicated.
The second thing was that you mentioned you have children. I have seen many stories by men, stating that their wives lost interest in sex after having children. Now, as you will find out, most of the women here seem to have children. So, that puts the lie to the common cultural idea that women stop being sexual after they have children.
Welcome...and I hope you find help here.
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Post by ggold on May 10, 2016 19:08:15 GMT -5
Welcome lovespirit! This is a wonderful community! You will be safe here! |
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