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Post by lyn on Aug 18, 2017 3:21:12 GMT -5
To answer the OP - if my memory serves, it was about two weeks into our legal separation and with a friend I'd met two summers ago.
Life will never be the same. Better - so much better already. All of that fear of the unknown has proven to be a real waste of energy for me.
Personally, the thought of jumping into a relationship immediately after getting out of a long term sm seems Nuts to me. If it works for others, that's awesome, but, I know I've got to know me - the authentic, unedited version before I could imagine having a real relationship anytime soon. If I jumped in now, the next guy would be getting left-overs and that doesn't seem right. But that's just me.
Now, a fwb - completely different story.
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Post by merrygoround on Aug 18, 2017 3:29:24 GMT -5
Same here. I feel lost when someone shows interest in me. As long as they don't give me compliments, and keep the conversation non romantic, I'm okay, but if they say something nice about my looks, I become very uncomfortable, even have tears well up, and think they are making fun of me. I steer the conversation to something else. This is online, so they don't know I'm almost in tears. I'm not used to it, and I don't believe them. 8-weeks is not long, so take comfort that after 2-years, I still don't know how to handle anything romantic. I sometimes experience something similar with regard to compliments from men. For me, it stems (I believe) from feeling scrutinized,j judged, then deemed worthy of a compliment with regard to my appearance. Probably has something to do with wondering, for YEARS, why my h was not attracted to me. I really don't like being complimented on my appearance. To me it's such a superficial part of me, not who I am. YES, I over analyze everything. Tell me I'm intelligent, creative, or funny and I just might melt. , totally with you on this. I still have difficulty receiving compliments on appearance - ex husband would compliment me on my looks or an outfit, but it was so superficial, just something pretty to make him look good, have on his arm - it didn't come from a place of desire or of wanting me. If I ever expressed an opinion or offered advice or an answer, it was always double checked or googled, because I could not be trusted with my knowledge! And there was no apology when I was found to be right! Terribly frustrating, but yes, receiving compliments on my intellect or creativity mean so much more to me.x Met this month as friends but we clicked on commonalities and we never expected or dreamed anything like this could happen and I certainly wasn't looking for it. But he allows me to be me in every way and to express myself fully. |
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 18, 2017 6:42:20 GMT -5
I've been out 8 weeks - nothing so far Wouldn't know where to start It's not like it is in the movies... Same here. I feel lost when someone shows interest in me. As long as they don't give me compliments, and keep the conversation non romantic, I'm okay, but if they say something nice about my looks, I become very uncomfortable, even have tears well up, and think they are making fun of me. I steer the conversation to something else. This is online, so they don't know I'm almost in tears. I'm not used to it, and I don't believe them. 8-weeks is not long, so take comfort that after 2-years, I still don't know how to handle anything romantic. Thanks Caris If a woman paid me a compliment, I wouldn't know what to do! Being quite shy I think I come across as rather forbidding... However, I would want anyone here to think I'm sad, quite the reverse. This might run counter to peoples' expectations on this site but for me getting out of my marriage wasn't about having sex (nice though that would be) it was about removing myself from an unhappy situation into a happier one and while I have my ups and downs it's better out than in (as the actress said to the bishop...) A romantic relationship is now a possibility, however remote, whereas before it was an impossibility  |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 18, 2017 13:41:27 GMT -5
I'm a fairly shy person. My sm had stripped me of all my self confidence and the stbx had shown little or no interest in me for at least 2 decades and none whatsoever in at least 1 - we hadn't so much as hugged in years let alone anything more . I lived in a life filled with expectations and if they weren't met then confrontation. Sometimes confrontation even if the demands were met. As a result I consider myself post sm for at least 10 years - the 'marriage' was merely geographical,two people who lived in the same house and one so feeble not to sort it all out - too worried about losing touch with his daughter. I'd spent many of those years looking and talking to friends, friends of friends,business contacts and so on. I'd analysed all of them on a 'could I be with her' scenario. And the answer was always for one reason or another NO. I became very lonely. Very introverted. I think I started to become depressed. And then one day I search Google for sexless marriage and came here. Imagine my surprise to find others like me - there I was thinking I was the only person to experience this at least in the way I felt anyway. Because for me I had probably spent at least 15 years obsessing about sex - because I missed not having it . I didn't have the courage to do anything about it so just obsessed more. Then one day was offered it 'on a plate ' and I discovered that without the emotional connection,for me anyway,it had no meaning. I then worried for ages if one day I found the love and passion that I needed to accompany it that I wouldn't be able to 'get it up' - the final irony - years of sexless obsession and then an impotent wasteland. Frankly I was a mess.(fortunately this was just a mind theory) So,confidence grew rapidly here as I found like minded people experiencing awful refusal and I spoke to a few lovely fellow forum members. And then I connected with someone exactly the same as me. We messaged,compared our posts, and found we have so much in common it's almost scary.A couple of months passed and we decided to meet - we were already affectionate towards each other but maybe the face to face chemistry wouldn't be there - but it was and in spades. Since that wonderful day se has become such an important part of my life that I feel I've known her all my life. Our connection is beyond amazing. I never thought I'd find this but I have. I've become the luckiest happiest human you could find. It was all completely unplanned and unexpected. When we started speaking we lived in different countries and now although we are still a few hundred miles apart we are planning the rest of our lives together. I never planned or expected it but I'm grabbing it with both hands as opportunities for happiness with someone who understands me and I her,don't grow on trees. I'm sure people will judge us for moving too fast. But we've both endured refusal for two decades each or more. We've done our time! And now the time is ours. Like my reference to the Foreigner song on here yesterday - waiting for a girl like you. Well I've been waiting since the year I bought the record - about 1982. I'm not letting her go she is the girl of my dreams -I never thought I'd find her. I haven't answered the thread question lol sorry!! Well according to the law I'm still in my sm. But that should hopefully change very soon. If I've filled in the forms right. I've been on my own for years. Until that wonderful day I found merrygoround and I became the luckiest man on the planet. |
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 9, 2018 19:07:20 GMT -5
To answer the OP - if my memory serves, it was about two weeks into our legal separation and with a friend I'd met two summers ago. Life will never be the same. Better - so much better already. All of that fear of the unknown has proven to be a real waste of energy for me. Personally, the thought of jumping into a relationship immediately after getting out of a long term sm seems Nuts to me. If it works for others, that's awesome, but, I know I've got to know me - the authentic, unedited version before I could imagine having a real relationship anytime soon. If I jumped in now, the next guy would be getting left-overs and that doesn't seem right. But that's just me. Now, a fwb - completely different story. Nice. My wife and I have a mutual friend who is very attractive who has been divorced for a few years. She used to tell us about her sexual exploits right after becoming single again and she has quite the high sex drive. If it all goes to hell for my marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to look her up after a bit of time to get my head straight again. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 10, 2018 10:03:50 GMT -5
6 months before I officially moved out, but I was in the guest room and told him I wanted an affair. He didn't object or try to stop it.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 13, 2018 11:35:01 GMT -5
I just read the whole thread and I am going to chime in again.
There's nothing wrong with sex just for sex. If you aren't into it, cool! But don't judge so harshly as it being "wrong" either or that those who do participate in it are somehow deeply flawed or something.
I have no regret owning my sexuality post divorce. I was clean, and I am disease free. I wasn't with total assholes so even the one night stand had intimacy in it. It was enough for me, enough for him..end of story. It was fun. I had no interest in falling asleep next to him or waking up next to him in the morning so I left. Never saw him again. That thought may repulse some people... it is what it is.
It's all how you feel about yourself, as always. Forget norms. Or "advice." What do YOU want? Know yourself. Learn. Grow. Evolve. Life is meant to be lived. We don't all have it figured out and there's no text book answer on what is "proper."
Do what you do. Let others do what they do.
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tsm
Junior Member
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Post by tsm on Mar 6, 2018 4:29:24 GMT -5
We had broken up for a couple of months but remained in the same house, then I moved out.
It was around a week after that, and it wasn't all that great but it was something.
Almost 6 months in and I'm still not in a relationship, but I'm at the point I believe I'm about ready for one now.
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Post by Caris on Mar 6, 2018 19:01:31 GMT -5
Same here. I feel lost when someone shows interest in me. As long as they don't give me compliments, and keep the conversation non romantic, I'm okay, but if they say something nice about my looks, I become very uncomfortable, even have tears well up, and think they are making fun of me. I steer the conversation to something else. This is online, so they don't know I'm almost in tears. I'm not used to it, and I don't believe them. 8-weeks is not long, so take comfort that after 2-years, I still don't know how to handle anything romantic. Thanks Caris If a woman paid me a compliment, I wouldn't know what to do! Being quite shy I think I come across as rather forbidding... However, I would want anyone here to think I'm sad, quite the reverse. This might run counter to peoples' expectations on this site but for me getting out of my marriage wasn't about having sex (nice though that would be) it was about removing myself from an unhappy situation into a happier one and while I have my ups and downs it's better out than in (as the actress said to the bishop...) A romantic relationship is now a possibility, however remote, whereas before it was an impossibility It was the same for me. The relationship was toxic, and damaged my wellbeing, on top of the sexual rejection. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Mar 7, 2018 16:52:22 GMT -5
Eight months separated and two weeks divorced. I barely see people at all, much less share intimacy ...
I don’t even know if I have it in me anymore to have any kind of human relationship. I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t even bother.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 7, 2018 17:16:51 GMT -5
Eight months separated and two weeks divorced. I barely see people at all, much less share intimacy ... I don’t even know if I have it in me anymore to have any kind of human relationship. I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t even bother. Nah mate. It doesnt have to be that way. Let me propose an alternate reality where one finds the simple pleasures in life and throw yourself into them. The relationships will come when you are doing what you enjoy doing. Things like perusing the shelves of a bookstore, joining a hiking club, a church group, being a community volunteer, joining a theater group or improv classes, or whatever it is that you find enjoyment in, fill your free time with it. Find something you are good at and share it with others. Show the world the best version of yourself. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 7, 2018 19:34:02 GMT -5
Eight months separated and two weeks divorced. I barely see people at all, much less share intimacy ... I don’t even know if I have it in me anymore to have any kind of human relationship. I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t even bother. I like daddeo@ advice for you. Let me also say, that it's perfectly normal to go through a recovery process. It's going to take time, mistakes, good times and bad to find your true self again. Don't expect it to be your old single self either. Being "single" at our age, with a house, a career, a family, etc.... is an entire different breed, a new journey. What could be helpful is to find some mentors who have gone through it and are just a year or two ahead of you. Show me your 4 best friends and I'll show you your future. ( and YOU will have just as much to offer them through your experiences) take a risk, go out in the world and be a friend, so you can have friends. You have an awesome opportunity now to "restore" that old rusty abandoned frame, and turn it into a classic gem! |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 7, 2018 19:42:55 GMT -5
Eight months separated and two weeks divorced. I barely see people at all, much less share intimacy ... I don’t even know if I have it in me anymore to have any kind of human relationship. I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t even bother. Yes to what Daddeo and greatcoastal said. Also... you are on your path and it's perfect for you so no comparisons. Be you. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack, you have been through a lot. You have something wonderful to offer others and when you feel ready you will seek out opportunity for such experiences. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 8, 2018 14:08:10 GMT -5
Mine would be counted in days or if the Stars align, hours. And the wait time would be spent hydrating and eating pineapple.
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Post by nyartgal on Mar 31, 2018 21:10:58 GMT -5
About a month after separating with a guy I met on FB who came to visit. It was awkward, and I wasn't quite ready. Then about a month after that with better sea legs and confidence I had a very fun affair while traveling. About a month after that I had a torrid affair and am now married very happily to that man and we have two small children!
There's no right answer...but if one is feeling totally paralyzed or depressed, there's a problem. Seek therapy and help. I did and I would totally recommend it.
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