He's back

"His text sounded like a divorce threat to me, "

Considering how terribly he treats you, sounds like a divorce would be a blessing.

What do you get out of this relationship? While sometimes he is kind, he is verbally abusive and uncontrollably angry a lot. You don't to settle for a relationship like that. You don't have to jump to his tune. So what if he did divorce you? What's the worse that would happen?

This is what your life is like. Just because (as far as I know) he doesn't hit you does NOT mean that the relationship is not abusive.

"The domestic violence cycle of abuse diagramm helps us to understand the different phases which typically occur in abusive relationships before, during and after an abusive episode.cycle of abuse

Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.

Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.

Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:

TENSION BUILDING -

Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

Friend I hope you see this as a strong "tipping point".

Not to sound "smug" but some of us are a year or two ahead of you in the process of lifting the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). I personally value their input and guidance. I want to offer some of that to you!

I don't know what is a threat and what's not?
Maybe I should take him seriously, maybe not?
The moment I got back he was angry? After I told him if he's nasty I wouldn't stick around?
I had to listen to the same old diatribe, again?
Then he got to the real point....

THIS ^^^^ has DISRESPECT and MANIPULATIVE CONTROL written all over it! (YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT CRAP ANYMORE) Stop making excuses for it! RUN the other way, and find someone else, who gives you respect.

May I give you my opinion from someone who's fog has lifted for the last two years? His back hurt and he want's you to dig a post hole for him.
He's either several things.... He's too damn proud to admit that he can't do it himself.
He's too damn lazy to do it himself.
He's too F'ing cheep to pay to have it done.
He's been spoiled too much, for to long by having you do these things for him, and he now demands and expects it from you.
He's too arrogant to go out and dig a hole. Let the "servant", the " wife" do it.
He doesn't know how.

^^^  He might be all these things, he might be none of them. The point is the disrespect and belittling that he treats you with. It's time to knock away that pedestal, and level the playing field.

Friend ,it sounds like things have been going down hill for a long time. Like many of us you are starting to notice how much you have been taken advantage of. It hurts. It takes time to relearn your approach to these things. Don't expect him to change. He already (and continues to) proved that to you with his meet you at the door DARVO rhetoric.

The changes are happening. The burden is going to be totally yours. We will be there for you. So can others ,family and community.

Small steps my friend, small steps.

I'll close with my own example. ( I believe a story is a good learning tool) so here's my story.

One of the sprinklers is broken in the backyard. It's been that way for months. my STBX sent me an email asking me to fix it. I refuse to respond, or fix it.
1) My W. said in our mediations she wants to keep the house. That changed my whole perspective on doing any and all the maintenance on a house that will very shortly no longer be mine.
2) She can do it herself.
3) It's really not a problem. All the other sprinklers work, and our backyard is rarely seen or used.
4) All the tools and parts are right there at our house. It's a simple fix.
5) I have shown her in the past how to replace them.
6) If she needs to find things I will tell her and show her while I am still here.
7)I've shown my sons how to fix these in the past. they know how.
8) There's a growing list of yard and maintenance work to be done on the house that is soon going to be "not my problem", she needs to start fending for herself. Ms 51 yr old , masters degree, 6 figure income, manager, double E!
9) She can pay to have it done. She can give up all her daily eating out.

Well, weeks went by. My daughter shows me on the phone mom's pictures. PICTURES!!!! WTF? of the replaced sprinkler parts laying on the ground. She fixed it herself, yet left all the trash behind. 
If she thinks some judge is going to side with her, well.....let her. She's shooting herself in the foot. No judge is going to hear that crap! He/she will put her in her place.

The same for your husband.

Two books by Cloud and Townsend:

Boundaries
Boundaries in Marriage