laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Aug 10, 2017 0:32:34 GMT -5
Well, he’s back. He left to take some classes and enjoy a less allergenic climate for a couple of months. In the meantime I finished our move off the big farm to a hobby farm size place. On Friday morning he finally got home. I got a quick hug and a peck on the lips. Since then he has not touched me or had anything nice to say. The dogs have gotten far more affection than I have. I’ve tried to reach out but only halfheartedly. I also suggested we go out to celebrate his return and he just grunted at me. I took it to mean no.
On Saturday I sat him down and told him I’ve been depressed and it has been a struggle to handle everything (moving, livestock, summer school, helping my Mom move as well.) I didn’t blame him for anything or even mention our relationship. I just told him how worn down I feel and that I need to put some energy into personal maintenance before school starts again.
He had no response to that at the time but yesterday something set him off. The neighbor had come over and mowed a few times when I wasn’t here, trying to be helpful. Apparently he ran into the wheel rim H’s brand new truck. I was blamed for allowing it to happen and from there he just kept going and brought up the things I’d said on Saturday. He told me I have no reason to be depressed and he’s offended that I would even say so. He accused me of being “part of the entitlement generation,” having distain for nice things (the truck) and that he “has a lot of hate” for me because I was not enough help to him when he was getting ready for his trip. From there he went on yelling and spitting for about half an hour, which is brief for him. He suggested I drop out of school if I can’t handle it. I’m handling it fine, actually, and it is about the only thing keeping me sane.
This is a very minor incident compared to things in the past. I know it seems silly, but it is just always something and I never know what it will be.
Anyway, I’ve tried to journal here and post more about my situation a bunch of times but it always ends up a jumble. Maybe when I’m in a better frame of mind I’ll be able to pare it down to something sensible.
Right now I’m just worn out. Small tasks feel insurmountable and I keep waiting for another bomb to go off.
I spent last night alone in bed crying and texting with friend (he’s a bit more than just a friend.) He’s been through his own similar situation. He said to go look in the mirror and ask myself if I’ve done everything that I can and if so to just walk away. It seems like there is always one more thing or one more time that I can try. Does anyone ever know they’ve done everything possible? When is it ever just enough?
Today I was ready to march straight to the lawyer and file for divorce. I’m afraid that if I wait I will waver but if I do it now I might shoot myself in the foot. My plan is only half done and not yet fully workable.
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Post by merrygoround on Aug 10, 2017 0:52:22 GMT -5
Hi Laura. What you write, how you express yourself is certainly not a jumble to us. I remember sheer panic and anxiety at times trying to talk with him, because I knew how he would react, how it would belittle my feelings and left me feeling that not only were my feelings not worth it, but that I wasn't worth it.
Thing is, you ARE worth it. I'm glad you have a friend to confide in ( as well as here) and no doubt you have done everything and more you can do. It is perhaps time to see that even if you were walking a tightrope and juggling fireballs, it wouldn't be enough. That is not a reflection of you - it is something inherently wrong with him.
You keep working on YOU, doing what you need to keep yourself sane. Until you are ready to make that jump. You will know when.
Hugs x
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Aug 10, 2017 1:05:55 GMT -5
Thank you merrygoround I've read several of your old posts and some of them I could have written myself. It sounds like our husbands were cut from the same cloth. I'm very grateful to have found people like you here who understand what I'm talking about. I'm too tired to try to explain it to those who don't. I was very happy to read the news about you and nolongerlonely! May we all be so lucky some day. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 10, 2017 1:11:13 GMT -5
What a dick! I'm sorry but I gotta call it as I see it. And he has the balls to say you are part of the entitlement generation? How old is this guy?
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2017 1:18:52 GMT -5
I wrote a long piece about seeing a lawyer here Sister laura - then saw in your back story that you have seen one, so I deleted that irrelevant stuff. Decided to have a go at the "have I done everything I could" aspect you refer to. The short answer is "no you haven't". No-one ever has. There is always *one more thing* you can try, and you can readily spend the rest of your life trying that *one more thing*. Have you tried the powder blue see through panties without success ? Then try the lime green ones. Still no result ? Try black. You can go through every hue in the rainbow on such an exercise and before you know it, it will be 2027. If you adopted a more expansive view of this, namely that you have tried "every aspect that you personally can control" (bearing in mind that you have no control over him or his responses to your efforts) - well then, *you* can honestly say *you* have done everything *you* could to bring this to resolution, bar one. The last one. The final one. And I would bet good money that this last one, this "final solution", is one he will prove as resistant to as he has been with all the other things you have attempted. But the two things this final solution has going for it, are - #1 - that it does NOT require his approval, agreement or imprimatur to happen #2 - it will bring the matter to resolution, guaranteed. |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Aug 10, 2017 2:01:54 GMT -5
Thanks baza . I actually did see a lawyer while he was out of town. It was very hard to make myself do it and very valuable once I did. I have a partially formed exit strategy but it needs a little more time to mature. All doable now that I have some facts from the lawyer. The hard part is staying on the plan when he is being nice and I'm wondering if I'm about to torpedo the best relationship I'm likely to find... or when I look at my favorite pets and know I'll probably lose them... or when I think about all the other benefits of marriage... you know the drill. |
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2017 2:10:57 GMT -5
Thanks baza . I actually did see a lawyer while he was out of town. It was very hard to make myself do it and very valuable once I did. I have a partially formed exit strategy but it needs a little more time to mature. All doable now that I have some facts from the lawyer. The hard part is staying on the plan when he is being nice and I'm wondering if I'm about to torpedo the best relationship I'm likely to find... or when I look at my favorite pets and know I'll probably lose them... or when I think about all the other benefits of marriage... you know the drill. After I posted that response I saw that you had already seen a lawyer, so I deleted the comment and launched off on a different aspect Sister laura My apologies, I usually read back stories first. |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Aug 10, 2017 2:12:26 GMT -5
What a dick! I'm sorry but I gotta call it as I see it. And he has the balls to say you are part of the entitlement generation? How old is this guy? He's 46 and I'm 35 which makes me technically a millennial and therefore "entitled." He has bought me an enormous amount of expensive stuff, but I don't approve of spending money that way. |
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Post by lyn on Aug 10, 2017 2:26:49 GMT -5
laura. One thing I've learned in my own sm is this, I control my feelings. For an expert on long-term abuse, they may call this something else, but, whatever. Just please know that what your h believes or says is no more relevant to how or what you feel. Seriously consider the fact that you're ultimately in a temporary situation. Means to an end. Just do what you need to do, but please do things for yourself - make your life better. Start preparing for life without this douchebag. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this piece of work --)
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Post by h on Aug 10, 2017 5:20:06 GMT -5
What a dick! I'm sorry but I gotta call it as I see it. And he has the balls to say you are part of the entitlement generation? How old is this guy? He's 46 and I'm 35 which makes me technically a millennial and therefore "entitled." He has bought me an enormous amount of expensive stuff, but I don't approve of spending money that way. Age isn't what makes a person entitled. Attitude and how you treat others is. I'm in the same generation but in our family we worked for anything we wanted. We were taught that nobody owes us anything. Nobody else is responsible for another person's own bad decisions. Maybe your H is the entitled one since he expects you to do everything perfectly, not feel anything negative, and be happy with a SM. Maybe him buying you stuff makes him feel entitled to suck the life out of you. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 10, 2017 6:12:04 GMT -5
Just sending hugs. I, like you, am questioning where the "trying" ends and if it will ever really feel like enough or not. Your H sounds like a real jerk. Just knowing the little I do about you, I absolutely know that you do not deserve the way he treats you.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 10, 2017 6:27:18 GMT -5
Have you considered therapy to get the support to help you do what's needed to get away from your toxic husband? If access is a problem, it's possible to get therapy by phone.
Daily journaling also can help as can daily posting here. Just cover your tracks so your husband doesn't find it.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 10, 2017 7:00:50 GMT -5
Your writing is not a jumble. It is very coherent. Keep writing. Here or for yourself. Please cover your tracks.
Dont leave school. He said that to be hurtful. Clearly he sees you enjoy it and so school is an easy target.
Keep working on the plan. If you are not ready to leave you are not ready to leave. Maybe the plan is a 1 yr, 2yr, 5 yr plan. You decide. But the dynamics of the relationship are changed. So day to day living has to reflect that.
H is a douche. Sounds like he has unresolved issues and you are the closest punching bag. Without knowing too much more sounds like maybe BPD? There is a lot written on personality disorders might be worth checking out, not to understand him or change him, but so you are better eqipped with tools and dialogue to address the bullshit behavior.
*hugs*
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 7:20:54 GMT -5
Let me add this to all the smart helpful advice you have already gotten. He sounds afraid. You would not know that because he pulls DARVO on you. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/He's afraid of loosing control over you. You did all these things without him while he is gone. You got along quiet nicely without him as well. You are showing independence, through your actions. School is a great example. By taking that away he keeps you under his thumb. Hence the control. That's not a marriage, that's not a relationship, that aint love. Try the journaling. Make a list of what you will loose with a divorce. Whatever comes to mind. Material things, friends, relatives, security, self worth, animals, etc... make a list. Then list what you will gain. Freedom, self worth, new opportunities, no more snoring to listen to, no more lack of affection, no more hoops to jump through, your own finances, etc.... I believe you will gain a lot more than you will loose. I am going to post my own list soon. I hope it's helpful for you and anyone else. This is a good way for you to look in the mirror and ask," what is good for me? What can I do to help myself?" Your done giving. That ship sailed long ago. It's time to start receiving. You deserve it! |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Aug 10, 2017 9:34:56 GMT -5
he “has a lot of hate” for me because I was not enough help to him when he was getting ready for his trip. It seems to me after getting to know my ILIASM friends, there are 2 kinds of refusers: 1. Those who are still there for their spouse in non sexual ways and 2. Those who seem to think their spouse's only purpose is to serve them. It is very telling to see the reaction when a type 2 spouse's perceived "needs" aren't met. Laura, I believe you have yourself a type 2. I am so sorry. I can relate. I agree that it seems to break down that way. I'm not always clear about what type mine is though. He actually does do a lot for me. He took on far more than his share preparing to move this spring so that I could focus on taking a double load at school. That was his idea and he didn't complain about it at the time or do anything but cheer me on. When I finished finals I told him I'd get right on taking over for him so he could go do his thing. I had a hard time jumping in though. He was uncommunicative and grumpy and I was tired from school. He said it took me five days to really get back in the swing of things, so maybe I did let him down. That's why it is confusing; he works hard to be supportive in some concrete ways, but is nasty and freezes me out at the same time. I think the general emotional climate effects me more than his concrete actions. He is disdainful of my ways of showing love and he feels that I don't properly appreciate his ways either. I'm not an incompetent person. Before he convinced me to give it up, I had a pretty good consulting and project management business, but I only seem to screw things up at home. I've long since stopped trying to do things well and started trying to do things in the way least likely to get me "in trouble." I know it is not helping, but I can't seem to go back. The dysfunction is real and I have my part in it. |
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