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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 10:13:35 GMT -5
Doubt is part of the emotions anytime we set off to make major changes, so expect more of it as you work your plan. That doubt is usually coming from fear of the unknown and also a little bit of guilt (feeling like we are hurting another). Let the emotions wash through you, but stay your course. One thing is certain, once your plan is at a point you can actually move forward and mention divorce, your stbx will likely validate all the reasons why you are choosing this route (they always do, his true colors will shine and you will be reminded why you need to leave).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 10:53:16 GMT -5
He's 46 and I'm 35 which makes me technically a millennial and therefore "entitled." He has bought me an enormous amount of expensive stuff, but I don't approve of spending money that way. Age isn't what makes a person entitled. Attitude and how you treat others is. I'm in the same generation but in our family we worked for anything we wanted. We were taught that nobody owes us anything. Nobody else is responsible for another person's own bad decisions. Maybe your H is the entitled one since he expects you to do everything perfectly, not feel anything negative, and be happy with a SM. Maybe him buying you stuff makes him feel entitled to suck the life out of you. In my experience, people that have anger issues are the entitled ones. Every little inconvenience or slight on their fragile personality sets them off. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 10:56:05 GMT -5
It seems to me after getting to know my ILIASM friends, there are 2 kinds of refusers: 1. Those who are still there for their spouse in non sexual ways and 2. Those who seem to think their spouse's only purpose is to serve them. It is very telling to see the reaction when a type 2 spouse's perceived "needs" aren't met. Laura, I believe you have yourself a type 2. I am so sorry. I can relate. I agree that it seems to break down that way. I'm not always clear about what type mine is though. He actually does do a lot for me. He took on far more than his share preparing to move this spring so that I could focus on taking a double load at school. That was his idea and he didn't complain about it at the time or do anything but cheer me on. When I finished finals I told him I'd get right on taking over for him so he could go do his thing. I had a hard time jumping in though. He was uncommunicative and grumpy and I was tired from school. He said it took me five days to really get back in the swing of things, so maybe I did let him down. That's why it is confusing; he works hard to be supportive in some concrete ways, but is nasty and freezes me out at the same time. I think the general emotional climate effects me more than his concrete actions. He is disdainful of my ways of showing love and he feels that I don't properly appreciate his ways either. I'm not an incompetent person. Before he convinced me to give it up, I had a pretty good consulting and project management business, but I only seem to screw things up at home. I've long since stopped trying to do things well and started trying to do things in the way least likely to get me "in trouble." I know it is not helping, but I can't seem to go back. The dysfunction is real and I have my part in it. If you feel like you're "walking on egg shells" then he's an abusive spouse, maybe not physically but certainly mentally. Loving couples build each other up, they don't keep score. He's a score keeper. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 10, 2017 10:57:41 GMT -5
"When I finished finals I told him I'd get right on taking over for him so he could go do his thing. I had a hard time jumping in though. He was uncommunicative and grumpy and I was tired from school. He said it took me five days to really get back in the swing of things, so maybe I did let him down. "
Time to adjust is needed after any major change. Both of you sound normal in needing that time. What's dysfunctionalis his blaming you for the adjustment difficulties. It's also dysfunctional for you to take on that blame.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 11:20:24 GMT -5
. I just told him how worn down I feel and that I need to put some energy into personal maintenance before school starts again.
He had no response to that at the time but yesterday something set him off. The neighbor had come over and mowed a few times when I wasn’t here, trying to be helpful. Apparently he ran into the wheel rim H’s brand new truck.
I was blamed for allowing it to happen and from there he just kept going and brought up the things I’d said on Saturday. He told me I have no reason to be depressed and he’s offended that I would even say so. That has DARVO written all over it! This may not be the time for you, however in the future, try using his own words and tactics right back at him. I did that to my spouse. Her defense crumbled immediately. It got even better when I told her. "you taught me well, I'm just doing what's acceptable. Just following your lead". That threw water on her fire! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 10, 2017 11:21:33 GMT -5
"When I finished finals I told him I'd get right on taking over for him so he could go do his thing. I had a hard time jumping in though. He was uncommunicative and grumpy and I was tired from school. He said it took me five days to really get back in the swing of things, so maybe I did let him down. " Time to adjust is needed after any major change. Both of you sound normal in needing that time. What's dysfunctionalis his blaming you for the adjustment difficulties. It's also dysfunctional for you to take on that blame. , it could be valid that he felt disappointment about this. People aren't perfect. But to say he "had a lot of hate" for you because of it?! That caused me to do a doubletake. People in loving and respectful marriage don't feel this and don't tell their partner they hate them because of a disappointing situation. Could it be he had unrealistic expectations in the first place? I hate that it seems you take on much more than your fair share of the blame. |
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Post by orangepeel on Aug 10, 2017 11:31:09 GMT -5
He's obviously a dick. That much is clear. But I'm interested in this entitlement generation thing: he's justifying his dickishness by effectively declaring you to be something different and so, by implication, inferior. I mean, what's a regular guy to do if he's faced with a feckless youth?
It sounds to me like he was attracted by your youth, can't restrain his dickitude and now defines himself - and you - by your difference.
You can never win. You'll never stop being 11 years younger.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 11:33:59 GMT -5
He's obviously a dick. That much is clear. But I'm interested in this entitlement generation thing: he's justifying his dickishness by effectively declaring you to be something different and so, by implication, inferior. I mean, what's a regular guy to do if he's faced with a feckless youth? It sounds to me like he was attracted by your youth, can't restrain his dickitude and now defines himself - and you - by your difference. You can never win. You'll never stop being 11 years younger. AMEN Bro! Sounds like an endless double bind! |
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laura
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Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Aug 10, 2017 12:33:49 GMT -5
Thank you all for the support.
I've been at my Mom's house and now I'm going home. He's sent me an all caps text listing grievances and demanding I get back there. I think this thing is about to come apart in real time... ready or not.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 12:49:17 GMT -5
Thank you all for the support. I've been at my Mom's house and now I'm going home. He's sent me an all caps text listing grievances and demanding I get back there. I think this thing is about to come apart in real time... ready or not. You are more than welcome to send him a text all in caps. "I WILL TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LISTEN." Then spend an extra day or two with Mom. Sounds like "Hell is coming to breakfast". Touchy controller loosing power hugh? Sounds like a gift from above. A glimpse into the future. What's next? I am thinking finances. Call that attorney back and start moving funds. Actions my dear, take action. Hit him in the wallet and protect your own. I am sorry you are going through this. Remeber we dig wells in valleys not on mountaintops. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 10, 2017 13:41:55 GMT -5
Well, he’s back. He left to take some classes and enjoy a less allergenic climate for a couple of months. In the meantime I finished our move off the big farm to a hobby farm size place. On Friday morning he finally got home. I got a quick hug and a peck on the lips. Since then he has not touched me or had anything nice to say. The dogs have gotten far more affection than I have. I’ve tried to reach out but only halfheartedly. I also suggested we go out to celebrate his return and he just grunted at me. I took it to mean no. On Saturday I sat him down and told him I’ve been depressed and it has been a struggle to handle everything (moving, livestock, summer school, helping my Mom move as well.) I didn’t blame him for anything or even mention our relationship. I just told him how worn down I feel and that I need to put some energy into personal maintenance before school starts again. He had no response to that at the time but yesterday something set him off. The neighbor had come over and mowed a few times when I wasn’t here, trying to be helpful. Apparently he ran into the wheel rim H’s brand new truck. I was blamed for allowing it to happen and from there he just kept going and brought up the things I’d said on Saturday. He told me I have no reason to be depressed and he’s offended that I would even say so. He accused me of being “part of the entitlement generation,” having distain for nice things (the truck) and that he “has a lot of hate” for me because I was not enough help to him when he was getting ready for his trip. From there he went on yelling and spitting for about half an hour, which is brief for him. He suggested I drop out of school if I can’t handle it. I’m handling it fine, actually, and it is about the only thing keeping me sane. This is a very minor incident compared to things in the past. I know it seems silly, but it is just always something and I never know what it will be. Anyway, I’ve tried to journal here and post more about my situation a bunch of times but it always ends up a jumble. Maybe when I’m in a better frame of mind I’ll be able to pare it down to something sensible. Right now I’m just worn out. Small tasks feel insurmountable and I keep waiting for another bomb to go off. I spent last night alone in bed crying and texting with friend (he’s a bit more than just a friend.) He’s been through his own similar situation. He said to go look in the mirror and ask myself if I’ve done everything that I can and if so to just walk away. It seems like there is always one more thing or one more time that I can try. Does anyone ever know they’ve done everything possible? When is it ever just enough? Today I was ready to march straight to the lawyer and file for divorce. I’m afraid that if I wait I will waver but if I do it now I might shoot myself in the foot. My plan is only half done and not yet fully workable. Hi Laura, no advice, just that I empathize. I've had similar conversations (especially the "Why did you let this happen?"). I hope you are able to take the next step - whatever that happens to be - soon. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 13:53:09 GMT -5
Thank you all for the support. I've been at my Mom's house and now I'm going home. He's sent me an all caps text listing grievances and demanding I get back there. I think this thing is about to come apart in real time... ready or not. Oh boy. Stay strong. You are not wrong or crazy for your own grievances and you don't have to give in to him. Wishing you the best. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 10, 2017 13:55:08 GMT -5
Age isn't what makes a person entitled. Attitude and how you treat others is. I'm in the same generation but in our family we worked for anything we wanted. We were taught that nobody owes us anything. Nobody else is responsible for another person's own bad decisions. Maybe your H is the entitled one since he expects you to do everything perfectly, not feel anything negative, and be happy with a SM. Maybe him buying you stuff makes him feel entitled to suck the life out of you. In my experience, people that have anger issues are the entitled ones. Every little inconvenience or slight on their fragile personality sets them off. Agreed. I'm 43 and he turns 54 next month. We spent close to 2 hours last night rehashing - as we have been for the past 19 months - about how he's been an ass most of our marriage because I don't pay him enough attention. When we argue, he often says something like "I deal with kids all day and I have to deal with you at home!" I'm wondering how entitled he feels... |
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Aug 10, 2017 17:18:55 GMT -5
He's obviously a dick. That much is clear. But I'm interested in this entitlement generation thing: he's justifying his dickishness by effectively declaring you to be something different and so, by implication, inferior. I mean, what's a regular guy to do if he's faced with a feckless youth? It sounds to me like he was attracted by your youth, can't restrain his dickitude and now defines himself - and you - by your difference. You can never win. You'll never stop being 11 years younger. Agreed!!!!! |
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Post by csl on Aug 10, 2017 21:30:05 GMT -5
Thank you all for the support. I've been at my Mom's house and now I'm going home. He's sent me an all caps text listing grievances and demanding I get back there. I think this thing is about to come apart in real time... ready or not. The proper response.... "Go suck eggs! You don't talk to me like that!" Then stay with Momma for another 2-3 days. |
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