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Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2017 13:42:11 GMT -5
I can't give you much legal or accountant advise ,but I can tell you that all of that manipulation, lying, controlling, deception, perjury,adds up to years of extreme mental abuse. How you can now "trust' another person is going to take time and healing. Divorce will be difficult in my situation? That sounds way, way off. I would get at least another 3 or 4 opinions on that. Wow! My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find support and a new sense of self worth from all of this. Trust her husband ever again? Hopefully not. Trust other human beings? That should be on a case-by-case basis. People close to you shouldn't be made to pay the penance of someone else's sins. As for the divorce? All I can say is that you're in a boat with a hell of a lot of holes. No matter how hard you bail, you're going to have trouble making progress. One question is whether the industry makes allowances for people whose personal finances are a wreck as a result of a spouse who is no longer in the picture. Just a thought. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2017 13:44:19 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes , I've seen this story play out when someone doesn't make the escape. It ends in destitution, struggling to survive off social security in retirement. I'm not joking. It's heartbreaking to see someone who has worked hard and tried to save responsibly their whole life, only to be undermined repeatedly by their spouse's negligence. It destroys health too. Under no circumstances should you tap any sole-and-separate assets for *anything* - not your own expenses, and especially not his. You should stop using the rental income if at all possible, bank it in a separate account. Your inherited assets and proceeds that have not been retitled into his name are your lifeline because he can't touch them in the divorce. Don't encumber them with loans to payoff joint debts. Please, go see a lawyer ASAP. You need to get financial separation from this guy, and that might mean letting the home go to foreclosure and moving into the rental property. You're fighting for survival here. I can't even fathom his level of financial negligence... and bluntly, unless he's violent (which is a whole other set of issues), the last thing you should be worried about is what he thinks if he sees your post. ^^^^^^ Yes ^^^^^^ Yes ^^^^^^ Yes ^^^^^^ |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2017 13:50:55 GMT -5
I'm hoping to talk to a lawyer about what my options are, soon. We have marriage counseling tonight and I see a new therapist for depression tomorrow. From an outsider's perspective, I'd suggest your priorities should be a) lawyer, and then b) personal therapist. This is way, way beyond needing a marriage counselor. Sigh...again, I have to agree. It is "easier" to go to a counselor. They are friendly people who you can vent to. The first time I called an attorney, as soon as the other voice picked up and I said I wanted an initial free divorce consultation, I immediately hung up. I felt guilt (disloyalty) and fear (of what comes next). I called another attorney about 3 months later, and getting the process started was the best thing I could have done. I've heard it said that the mark of courage is doing the hard things instead of the easy things. I will pray for courage for you. One foot in front of another. And the first step is unfortunately, the attorney. At least then you will be working with facts, not fears. That may help with your depression. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 9, 2017 15:29:21 GMT -5
Yes to what Drycreek and Sham said.
Marriage counseling at this point is a creative divergence resulting in no actual actions to better your life.
I'm thinking/guessing/sensing a part of you knows that?
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2017 14:54:27 GMT -5
Your problem is your spouse. *You* may well have the financial smarts and discipline to work *your* way out of this. Your spouse has no such work ethic or discipline. So any moves *you* make to improve the fiscal position will then be undone by his undisciplined spending. As fast as you "save it", he'll "spend" it, and more. He's a fucking leech. Slowly sucking you dry. Rotten husband, rotten financial partner, not much of a person at all. The sooner you see a lawyer to untangle this mess, split the finances and go your separate ways the better. Hopefully soon I can af least chat with one. Thank you. Baz is right. My spouse was terrible with money. He earned a good income, but he spent it very fast, and I was left to clean up the mess. I decided to start saving money for the future, knowing it would end in divorce. I managed to save $19,000 until. I found out that he hadn't paid the property taxes, so most of my savings were depleted after I paid them. I also started filing my taxes separately, and thank God I did because I later found out he owed taxes. He was in an awful financial mess, and he would have dragged me down with him had I stayed. Your husband is abusing you, and he'll ruin you financially (never mind the mental and emotional toll). You must put your own interests first, and protect yourself. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 16:12:20 GMT -5
So, we went to counseling Wednesday night and it went badly (separate thread, I think). I saw a new therapist last night and told her EVERYTHING. I think that went much better.
Next... lawyer. I'm thinking legal separation for more protection against any future debt (my ex got arrested for DUI after we split up and he put the fine on our joint credit card... what a pain).
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2017 9:42:03 GMT -5
Have you considered also getting involved in Al-Anon, the support group for people whose luves are affected by others' drinking? It's available online and in person and is free and anonymous. It could help you learn not to enable --take responsibility for- your husband's problems.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 10:08:34 GMT -5
Have you considered also getting involved in Al-Anon, the support group for people whose luves are affected by others' drinking? It's available online and in person and is free and anonymous. It could help you learn not to enable --take responsibility for- your husband's problems. I'm just curious - why Al-Anon? He doesn't really drink. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2017 12:56:43 GMT -5
Al-Anon is for anyone whose life is affected by another!s drinking. The other person doesn't have to be an actual alcoholic or constant drinking. Your husband's DUI affected your life. That's enough reason to attend. Many of the people in Al-anon are struggling with problems like yours: taking on responsibilities of and cleaning up messes left by irresponsible partners.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 16:54:54 GMT -5
Al-Anon is for anyone whose life is affected by another!s drinking. The other person doesn't have to be an actual alcoholic or constant drinking. Your husband's DUI affected your life. That's enough reason to attend. Many of the people in Al-anon are struggling with problems like yours: taking on responsibilities of and cleaning up messes left by irresponsible partners. OH. Yes, first husband. And dad. Thank you for clarifying! |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 15, 2017 18:47:08 GMT -5
I can only chime in with some others: you URGENTLY need to separate yourself from this gormless irresponsible git financially.
I don't know how it is where you live: in some jurisdictions it can be enough to put an ad in the paper that you no longer
take responsibility for THAT person's liabilities.
It is totally obvious to me that you need to stop paying money into common accounts, terminate shared credit cards or any
bank accounts he has access too. He will destroy your life if you let him, with his irresponsible behaviour.
A guy who loses track of a 100,000 dollar loan is a complete idiot, and probably not only in the financial arena.
Before you know it, he might sell you into white slavery to cover his bill with his methamphetamine dealer
(Is that a joke? I don't know. But that's the kind of shit people like him do.) You cannot trust him. Taking him back
in '15 was a bad bad move and seriously: if he tops himself and takes himself out of the equation: why, won't that
improve your life immeasurably? I should not agonize over it .....
My wakeup-call was this: I got a phone call from the cops that my first wife had totaled my car in a head-on collision
on a straight open road. She was barely injured, broken collar bone that she didn't find out about for a couple of weeks.
And I got to pay her fine.
I found myself thinking: what a pity you didn't kill yourself. That made me sit back and think about my marriage .... WOW!
Do we really need to take responsibility for people like them? NO. That woman has gone through a couple of other guys, got
a couple of fucked up kids, whatever. Splitting up was the best thing I did.
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Post by JMX on Aug 15, 2017 21:15:56 GMT -5
Argh. I identify with your story - not NOW as much but it's still there. The "feels" are still raw and are coming up more and more.
Long story short / I was three appointments deep with my third lawyer. Last year. I could not pull the trigger.
Some days, I wish I had pulled the trigger.
My husband has a good job now. I have an amazing job now. I have already made 3x as much of his salary. I will probably finish the year 4x.
This is not a problem on it's own. I wouldn't care in any other situation. But, I have a man, that could care less about me sexually - that enjoys the fact that I take care of EVERYTHING. I am not kidding. Everything.
My kids get as much of their momma as they can, they also get a lot of their grandma (my momma). My husband doesn't fill out school reports and forms, he has no clue their schedules for extracurricular, has no idea on their grades. I do all of that. Add to that, family birthdays, including his family and the mental fry of organizing chores, household bills, homework and whatnot.
I do everything.
He comes home, checks out because of his work day (mine are tough too) and checks out of life.
Recently, his obsession has been boats. He looks them up on Craigslist, learns how to fix them on YouTube. He is obsessed.
We're not quite out of debt yet. We owe IRS, then my parents and then his. It will take a bit to get out of - but I will pay everyone back.
He wants a boat. Now. Before we're out of debt. I am disheartened. Not because I didn't expect this, but because of the timing. I respect him even less now. I believed he cared about paying people back. The IRS, my parents, his parents. But he wants a boat. He does not handle our bills, so he knows not.
In 6 months - everyone will be paid off. Because of me. Then he can buy a boat. Then, I will ask him to leave, with his boat and leave me the house.
Win, win!
Good luck with your parasite. Sincerely, good luck.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 22:03:32 GMT -5
Argh. I identify with your story - not NOW as much but it's still there. The "feels" are still raw and are coming up more and more. Long story short / I was three appointments deep with my third lawyer. Last year. I could not pull the trigger. Some days, I wish I had pulled the trigger. My husband has a good job now. I have an amazing job now. I have already made 3x as much of his salary. I will probably finish the year 4x. This is not a problem on it's own. I wouldn't care in any other situation. But, I have a man, that could care less about me sexually - that enjoys the fact that I take care of EVERYTHING. I am not kidding. Everything. My kids get as much of their momma as they can, they also get a lot of their grandma (my momma). My husband doesn't fill out school reports and forms, he has no clue their schedules for extracurricular, has no idea on their grades. I do all of that. Add to that, family birthdays, including his family and the mental fry of organizing chores, household bills, homework and whatnot. I do everything. He comes home, checks out because of his work day (mine are tough too) and checks out of life. Recently, his obsession has been boats. He looks them up on Craigslist, learns how to fix them on YouTube. He is obsessed. We're not quite out of debt yet. We owe IRS, then my parents and then his. It will take a bit to get out of - but I will pay everyone back. He wants a boat. Now. Before we're out of debt. I am disheartened. Not because I didn't expect this, but because of the timing. I respect him even less now. I believed he cared about paying people back. The IRS, my parents, his parents. But he wants a boat. He does not handle our bills, so he knows not. In 6 months - everyone will be paid off. Because of me. Then he can buy a boat. Then, I will ask him to leave, with his boat and leave me the house. Win, win! Good luck with your parasite. Sincerely, good luck. Oh yeah, forgot about the IRS, and the state of California… He cashed out a retirement account and had some debt discharged in 2016… So, I set up payment plans with both, and he has no money to contribute to the payments… Awesome. |
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Post by JMX on Aug 15, 2017 22:05:39 GMT -5
Argh. I identify with your story - not NOW as much but it's still there. The "feels" are still raw and are coming up more and more. Long story short / I was three appointments deep with my third lawyer. Last year. I could not pull the trigger. Some days, I wish I had pulled the trigger. My husband has a good job now. I have an amazing job now. I have already made 3x as much of his salary. I will probably finish the year 4x. This is not a problem on it's own. I wouldn't care in any other situation. But, I have a man, that could care less about me sexually - that enjoys the fact that I take care of EVERYTHING. I am not kidding. Everything. My kids get as much of their momma as they can, they also get a lot of their grandma (my momma). My husband doesn't fill out school reports and forms, he has no clue their schedules for extracurricular, has no idea on their grades. I do all of that. Add to that, family birthdays, including his family and the mental fry of organizing chores, household bills, homework and whatnot. I do everything. He comes home, checks out because of his work day (mine are tough too) and checks out of life. Recently, his obsession has been boats. He looks them up on Craigslist, learns how to fix them on YouTube. He is obsessed. We're not quite out of debt yet. We owe IRS, then my parents and then his. It will take a bit to get out of - but I will pay everyone back. He wants a boat. Now. Before we're out of debt. I am disheartened. Not because I didn't expect this, but because of the timing. I respect him even less now. I believed he cared about paying people back. The IRS, my parents, his parents. But he wants a boat. He does not handle our bills, so he knows not. In 6 months - everyone will be paid off. Because of me. Then he can buy a boat. Then, I will ask him to leave, with his boat and leave me the house. Win, win! Good luck with your parasite. Sincerely, good luck. Oh yeah, forgot about the IRS, and the state of California… He cashed out a retirement account and had some debt discharged in 2016… So, I set up payment plans with both, and he has no money to contribute to the payments… Awesome. Watch out, love - the IRS will slap a lien on your house! |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 15, 2017 22:15:05 GMT -5
Oh yeah, forgot about the IRS, and the state of California… He cashed out a retirement account and had some debt discharged in 2016… So, I set up payment plans with both, and he has no money to contribute to the payments… Awesome. Watch out, love - the IRS will slap a lien on your house! If that's true, I guess homelessness is in my future. |
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