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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2017 22:29:47 GMT -5
"I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late?"
Hell, no. I seriously started creating a strong inner foundation when I was about 50. I became the independent, confident, artistic, gregarious person whom I'd always wanted to be. Eventually, I ended my SM --with relief, not angst or depression. I had developed the confidence to be willing to live life as a single on my own terms. I knew I'd be happier single than remaining alone in my marriage.
I was over 60 when I divorced. To my great surprise, I ended up in a relationship with the love of my life. That was icing on the cake! I already was flourishing by not centering my life around another person, That is what you are doing. Please realize that there's no indication from what you wrote that your husband wanted to go to the amusement park. If that's his typical behavior, than it probably would suit you to do what I started doing while I was still married. I started going to things by myself (by then, my kids were grown) and not even bothering to invite my husband. I realized that having him with me was an energy drain. The things that made me happy didn't interest him and, for that matter, vice versa. I started taking responsibility for my own happiness and not depending on him for company or compliments. I learned that I could go places by myself and have more fun and social intimacy with random strangers than I would have by interacting with my husband.
Please look at your day and realize you had choices. You could have left him home. You did not need to pay attention to him or be concerned or anxious when he chose to stay to himself. You could have gone on the rides you like without even asking him. You could have told your child that the "joke" was mean and unacceptable. You could have chosen not to attempt to get affirmation about your looks from your husband, who, based on the fact that you're here in ILIASM probably doesn't pay much attention to your looks. You can't change your husband or get him to become the kind of companion you want. You can choose to take actions under your control that will allow you to live a happier life.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 8, 2017 23:08:06 GMT -5
"I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late?" Hell, no. I seriously started creating a strong inner foundation when I was about 50. I became the independent, confident, artistic, gregarious person whom I'd always wanted to be. Eventually, I ended my SM --with relief, not angst or depression. I had developed the confidence to be willing to live life as a single on my own terms. I knew I'd be happier single than remaining alone in my marriage. I was over 60 when I divorced. To my great surprise, I ended up in a relationship with the love of my life. That was icing on the cake! I already was flourishing by not centering my life around another person, That is what you are doing. Please realize that there's no indication from what you wrote that your husband wanted to go to the amusement park. If that's his typical behavior, than it probably would suit you to do what I started doing while I was still married. I started going to things by myself (by then, my kids were grown) and not even bothering to invite my husband. I realized that having him with me was an energy drain. The things that made me happy didn't interest him and, for that matter, vice versa. I started taking responsibility for my own happiness and not depending on him for company or compliments. I learned that I could go places by myself and have more fun and social intimacy with random strangers than I would have by interacting with my husband. Please look at your day and realize you had choices. You could have left him home. You did not need to pay attention to him or be concerned or anxious when he chose to stay to himself. You could have gone on the rides you like without even asking him. You could have told your child that the "joke" was mean and unacceptable. You could have chosen not to attempt to get affirmation about your looks from your husband, who, based on the fact that you're here in ILIASM probably doesn't pay much attention to your looks. You can't change your husband or get him to become the kind of companion you want. You can choose to take actions under your control that will allow you to live a happier life. Thank you both. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2017 14:21:56 GMT -5
I know where you are coming from. When we are in a relationship that has a shaky foundation and we have a spouse that doesn't offer us encouragement freely, we fish for it. Speaking from experience, though, even if we get the compliment or validation we were fishing for in that situation, it doesn't feel good or fix anything. It's empty. The relationship foundation is still shaky, crumbling. The best we can do then is fix our OWN foundation, the core of us -- heal ourselves for ourselves. This will likely lead to getting out of the toxic environment eventually. It will be worth it. Work on receiving your own validation and believing it. When we do that we truly shine from the inside out. Sorry for the cheese fest -- I mean every word. Take care!! Thank you so much: I spent a lot of yesterday turning over in my mind (again) what I must have done wrong in order for life to have turned out this way. I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late? I left at 61, and I wish I were only 43. You have so many opportunities that are too late for me now. I even went back to school in my 50s. If you are definitely going to leave, leave while your eyesight is still good, while your back doesn't hurt, while you still look attractive, and there are more job opportunities. The longer you leave it, the harder it becomes to leave. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 16:16:18 GMT -5
Thank you so much: I spent a lot of yesterday turning over in my mind (again) what I must have done wrong in order for life to have turned out this way. I know what you're saying about creating a strong foundation from within. The question is, at 43, is it too late? I left at 61, and I wish I were only 43. You have so many opportunities that are too late for me now. I even went back to school in my 50s. If you are definitely going to leave, leave while your eyesight is still good, while your back doesn't hurt, while you still look attractive, and there are more job opportunities. The longer you leave it, the harder it becomes to leave. Well, then there's the potential problem of being twice-divorced and under 50. Can anyone weigh in on that? It's not an issue for the two friends of mine who are in that situation, but it still terrifies me. I seem to be damaged goods, between that, the money problems, the daddy issues and the (extremely) dysfunctional family. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2017 16:26:50 GMT -5
I left at 61, and I wish I were only 43. You have so many opportunities that are too late for me now. I even went back to school in my 50s. If you are definitely going to leave, leave while your eyesight is still good, while your back doesn't hurt, while you still look attractive, and there are more job opportunities. The longer you leave it, the harder it becomes to leave. Well, then there's the potential problem of being twice-divorced and under 50. Can anyone weigh in on that? It's not an issue for the two friends of mine who are in that situation, but it still terrifies me. I seem to be damaged goods, between that, the money problems, the daddy issues and the (extremely) dysfunctional family. I don't know what you mean by the issue of being twice divorced and under 50. I am twice divorced, and was 61. I'm 63 now. It would have been easier for me to have divorced at 43 than 61. You say you are damaged goods. Of course you are damaged. I am damaged, and it's bloody hard. It took two-years to get out of the debilitating depression that stole my mind and my energy. Only now, have I progressed enough to actually start working on getting to know who I really am, and find the person I lost in that 25-years of hell. It will be hard for you, but if you take one step at a time, it's doable. It's your choice. I'm just saying that you may face less opportunity in all aspects of life if you leave it until you are 60, and then you will be even more damaged than you are now. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 16:35:25 GMT -5
Well, then there's the potential problem of being twice-divorced and under 50. Can anyone weigh in on that? It's not an issue for the two friends of mine who are in that situation, but it still terrifies me. I seem to be damaged goods, between that, the money problems, the daddy issues and the (extremely) dysfunctional family. I don't know what you mean by the issue of being twice divorced and under 50. I am twice divorced, and was 61. I'm 63 now. It would have been easier for me to have divorced at 43 than 61. You say you are damaged goods. Of course you are damaged. I am damaged, and it's bloody hard. It took two-years to get out of the debilitating depression that stole my mind and my energy. Only now, have I progressed enough to actually start working on getting to know who I really am, and find the person I lost in that 25-years of hell. It will be hard for you, but if you take one step at a time, it's doable. It's your choice. I'm just saying that you may face less opportunity in all aspects of life if you leave it until you are 60, and then you will be even more damaged than you are now. Thank you. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2017 16:59:00 GMT -5
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 17:19:14 GMT -5
Those are always appreciated. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 11, 2017 17:41:34 GMT -5
Group hug!!!
(Me and the kids like to include the dog in those!)
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 20:39:15 GMT -5
Group hug!!! (Me and the kids like to include the dog in those!) Thank you!! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 15:42:43 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I am sorry he was such a prick... 1. "From here on, if we're gonna be this late, I don't wanna go!" AWESOME! Leave his worthless ass at home! You will have more fun anyway.2. We arrive and I say hello to coworkers. He barely acknowledges them, despite having hung out with them socially, and takes off to get food. When he comes back, he sits away from everyone else and stares at us. This is great. I am betting your coworkers noticed and will be supportive if/when you decide to kick him out.3. My son and I decide to hang out a bit and play some games and chat. So husband takes off for good because he's bored. Again, this is wonderful! He can leave you alone to have some fun.4. We catch up and he had an agenda of what things he wants to do/see. All I want is to go on a couple of thrill rides. Husband is like, "Yeah, I wanna do this and this and this, and then you can go on some rides". Yeah, now you know how he will respond. You can just tell him what you are doing next time if you even let him go.5. Son calls me ugly as a "joke" and I get upset. I tell husband, who says "Now you know what I deal with all the time! I need to spend less time with him! You need to give him consequences! He either need to go to counseling with us, or we need to stop going!!" I'm pretty sure a coworker overheard part of this exchange. Your son needs to be punished for that. It is not funny and he needs to know not to treat anyone that way, especially not his mother.
6. We go into a butterfly exhibit. He turns left and son and I turn right. He makes a comment after about how we weren't all together. I respond that we lost track of him (which is true). He needs to pay attention to where you are going & be more involved.7. Then I say that the mirrors they had up for us to check for butterflies made me feel fat. No response. I say something else about the mirrors. No response. I say something about something else, he responds. When I ask why, he flips out: "I think you look great, but you need to pay attention to ME!" Unfortunately, he is not going to give you any validation. However, you don't need it any more. You are wonderful as you are, but you need to take care of yourself.8. I go to get on a thrill ride across the park and he Informs me the two of them are staying where they are. Exactly what you should have done. Enjoy yourself and don't worry about them. How old is your son?9. My phone goes dead while I'm in line. I ride the ride, get off, and find them waking toward me, husband looking pissed. Well, he can be as pissed as he wants to be. Don't worry about what he thinks.10. He makes a couple of snide comments in the car about how he wanted to go on thrill rides (he gets sick on rides). Yeah, this is bullshit. He just wants to manipulate you into making him feel guilty.11. We decide to grab dinner on the way home. I let him know what I'd like to order and we get what the kiddo wants too. When I'm in the restroom, husband orders more food than I was expecting. He asks me to pay the bill tonight and he'll get drinks on Thursday (our usual date night; we keep our finances separate). The bill, with tip, comes to more than $80. Husband says oops. Well, now you know what you can do on Thursday. Order whatever you can think of. And separate finances may make a divorce a bit easier, just sayin.12. He's downstairs now watching GoT. I like GoT myself, but my girlfriend & I watch it together. We laugh at how forced the sex scenes seem to be & how they don't compare to the sex we have.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 16:41:18 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, I am sorry he was such a prick... 1. "From here on, if we're gonna be this late, I don't wanna go!" AWESOME! Leave his worthless ass at home! You will have more fun anyway.2. We arrive and I say hello to coworkers. He barely acknowledges them, despite having hung out with them socially, and takes off to get food. When he comes back, he sits away from everyone else and stares at us. This is great. I am betting your coworkers noticed and will be supportive if/when you decide to kick him out.3. My son and I decide to hang out a bit and play some games and chat. So husband takes off for good because he's bored. Again, this is wonderful! He can leave you alone to have some fun.4. We catch up and he had an agenda of what things he wants to do/see. All I want is to go on a couple of thrill rides. Husband is like, "Yeah, I wanna do this and this and this, and then you can go on some rides". Yeah, now you know how he will respond. You can just tell him what you are doing next time if you even let him go.5. Son calls me ugly as a "joke" and I get upset. I tell husband, who says "Now you know what I deal with all the time! I need to spend less time with him! You need to give him consequences! He either need to go to counseling with us, or we need to stop going!!" I'm pretty sure a coworker overheard part of this exchange. Your son needs to be punished for that. It is not funny and he needs to know not to treat anyone that way, especially not his mother.
6. We go into a butterfly exhibit. He turns left and son and I turn right. He makes a comment after about how we weren't all together. I respond that we lost track of him (which is true). He needs to pay attention to where you are going & be more involved.7. Then I say that the mirrors they had up for us to check for butterflies made me feel fat. No response. I say something else about the mirrors. No response. I say something about something else, he responds. When I ask why, he flips out: "I think you look great, but you need to pay attention to ME!" Unfortunately, he is not going to give you any validation. However, you don't need it any more. You are wonderful as you are, but you need to take care of yourself.8. I go to get on a thrill ride across the park and he Informs me the two of them are staying where they are. Exactly what you should have done. Enjoy yourself and don't worry about them. How old is your son?9. My phone goes dead while I'm in line. I ride the ride, get off, and find them waking toward me, husband looking pissed. Well, he can be as pissed as he wants to be. Don't worry about what he thinks.10. He makes a couple of snide comments in the car about how he wanted to go on thrill rides (he gets sick on rides). Yeah, this is bullshit. He just wants to manipulate you into making him feel guilty.11. We decide to grab dinner on the way home. I let him know what I'd like to order and we get what the kiddo wants too. When I'm in the restroom, husband orders more food than I was expecting. He asks me to pay the bill tonight and he'll get drinks on Thursday (our usual date night; we keep our finances separate). The bill, with tip, comes to more than $80. Husband says oops. Well, now you know what you can do on Thursday. Order whatever you can think of. And separate finances may make a divorce a bit easier, just sayin.12. He's downstairs now watching GoT. I like GoT myself, but my girlfriend & I watch it together. We laugh at how forced the sex scenes seem to be & how they don't compare to the sex we have. So, the whole day I was made to feel as if I was just being a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch. It came up in counseling, and, along with all our other issues, the statement made was something like "I can't talk to you about anything!" I think two different realities are at work here. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 17:00:20 GMT -5
So, the whole day I was made to feel as if I was just being a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch. It came up in counseling, and, along with all our other issues, the statement made was something like "I can't talk to you about anything!" I think two different realities are at work here. MPB, he won't be able to "make" you feel like anything for a lot longer. I am watching you change every time I read your posts. When you first came here, you were resigned to your fate. Now, you are making him accountable for his behavior and not accepting it as easily. Keep on reading and posting. People here have been exactly where you have been and have escaped many horrible situations. In the quote above, you did not say this, but it is obvious that you are thinking, "And I am certainly NOT a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch! I am a fun, sweet, loving girl!" Keep on saying this and occasionally say it to yourself in the mirror. I am so impressed with you and proud of you! |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 14, 2017 17:31:04 GMT -5
So, the whole day I was made to feel as if I was just being a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch. It came up in counseling, and, along with all our other issues, the statement made was something like "I can't talk to you about anything!" I think two different realities are at work here. MPB, he won't be able to "make" you feel like anything for a lot longer. I am watching you change every time I read your posts. When you first came here, you were resigned to your fate. Now, you are making him accountable for his behavior and not accepting it as easily. Keep on reading and posting. People here have been exactly where you have been and have escaped many horrible situations. In the quote above, you did not say this, but it is obvious that you are thinking, "And I am certainly NOT a flighty, disorganized, unaware bitch! I am a fun, sweet, loving girl!" Keep on saying this and occasionally say it to yourself in the mirror. I am so impressed with you and proud of you! Thank you so much! |
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Post by obobfla on Aug 14, 2017 23:40:05 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, You have a spouse who is mentally ill and is incapable of seeing beyond himself. I know, because my wife is the same way. She is very sweet, but she is unable to perceive the world from anything but her own perspective. If there has been a silver lining in my wife's illness, it is that she no longer goes with my son and me when we go out to have fun. With her, we drag her kicking and screaming to have a good time, or she insisted on leaving early. Without her, the two of us enjoy ourselves. There is a danger in this self-centerness. In earlier posts, I mentioned how twice I needed to go to the hospital, and she refused. The first time, a bug crawled in my ear while I slept. As I was screaming in pain, she asked if I could wait a couple hours until the walk-in clinic opened. I said no, get me to the emergency room now! She relented. The second time, I was having strokelike symptoms. She would not take me, so I called 911 and said "TÍA." That brought the ambulance. Doctors found out that I wasn't having a stroke. I was just majorly stressed out. On the flip side, I have taken her to the hospital four times in the past year, saving her life each time. When she was havimg delusions after we got married, I got her to a psychiatrist who correctly diagnosed her and got her on the right meds. She has already been through open-heart surgery and breast cancer. Now after two surgeries, her lungs are not working properly. She has been on a ventilator for two months, and the doctors don't know if she will ever come home. If she dies, I will mourn her. Then I will pick up the pieces and live the life I want to live. I may be 56, but I am still breathing. I want to enjoy what time I have left. As to the remark in the mirror, you might be a little overweight. So am I. But as much as I like a nice figure, I find self-confidence to be a lot sexier. I've known quite a few women who are overweight but have a self-awareness and confidence that makes them really hot. Pounds come and go. Your spirit is always there.
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