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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 29, 2017 20:11:07 GMT -5
For over a month now, I have slept on the pull out sofa with my son. I feel I'm not getting any sex, so why should I sleep in the same bed as my s/o?
Yesterday I sent him an angry text, beginning with how the doctors office messed up my sons appointment to get these weird lumps on his body sonogrammed, the middle saying I was depressed angry and stressed out, and ending with saying if he isn't going to fuck me anymore, it is high time he arrange for someone else to do it. He did not acknowledge the end part, but did bring up the doctor appointment, so I know he got the text....
Tuesday night I lay my son in his crib to sleep alone. I laid in bed with my s/o, gently woke him up, said the baby was in his own bed (hoping SOOOOO HARD that maybe tonight will be different) and he said okay and rolled back over to go to sleep. The instant and overwhelming anger I felt, well... I had not quite experienced it that way before. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to shove him off the bed and SCREAM at him and HIT him! I lay there picturing it and fuming a while, then grabbed a pillow and sheet from the hall closet and lay on my son's bexroom floor to sleep. Since that night, I just feel SOOOOO angry. I have read stories about wives dping malicious things because of a husband who denied sex, and I feel now I understand why! I do not think very highly of myself now for these horrible thoughts, but assume I cannot be the only one having them. All week I have just been so angry. Depressed is normal, drained of energy is normal, anxious is normal, and many other feelings of shame, humiliation, isolation, and fear of living like this forever are all normal-for me anyway(and by normal, I mean have become commonplace).
But this ANGER... this is different.
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2017 21:02:37 GMT -5
*Anger* is very common in these situations (but whether people will admit that fact or not is another matter)
*Anger* is also a pretty useless emotion, unless it propels you into action directed at the core problem.
*Anger* can get you saying shit you don't mean, get you making threats you can't carry out, and is a highly useless state of mind, it clouds your thinking just at the very time you need to be thinking clearly.
Usually, *anger* passes, and morphs instead into seething resentment over time. And that is not a good headspace to be in either.
Could a case be made here to see a counsellor specialising in anger management ?
If you can harness the anger and get it working for you rather than against you it can be a really good and positive thing to move you forward.
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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 29, 2017 21:19:03 GMT -5
*Anger* is very common in these situations (but whether people will admit that fact or not is another matter) *Anger* is also a pretty useless emotion, unless it propels you into action directed at the core problem. *Anger* can get you saying shit you don't mean, get you making threats you can't carry out, and is a highly useless state of mind, it clouds your thinking just at the very time you need to be thinking clearly. Usually, *anger* passes, and morphs instead into seething resentment over time. And that is not a good headspace to be in either. Could a case be made here to see a counsellor specialising in anger management ? If you can harness the anger and get it working for you rather than against you it can be a really good and positive thing to move you forward. Oh... I want to be a better person than this.... I do not like to feel so angry.... Thabk you for your words of thoughg, for I am in such a thoughtless place right now. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2017 21:57:07 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's awful to be rejected by the one person who's supposed to be there for you.
But please don't be so hard on yourself for being angry. Anger is a primary emotion and a perfectly natural reaction to a circumstance like this. It's how we handle our anger that really matters. Allow yourself to feel it, don't judge yourself for it. Instead, try to figure out what your anger is trying to tell you. You can do the same with any emotion that comes up. Is it time to make a change in your life? Time for a heart to heart conversation? Or for therapy? Or to just move on?
So often in our culture, we fear our emotions and run from them. We rush to medicate them with various habits and addictions: everything from shopping to gambling to overeating to drinking or drugs or even prescription medication (legally prescribed or otherwise). I think our emotions provide useful information about what to do next in life. And above all, I have to constantly remind myself that my emotions themselves can't hurt me. It's how I handle them that has the potential to hurt myself or others.
Harness your anger for good. Begin taking steps towards change.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jul 30, 2017 2:00:37 GMT -5
I still get angry... I still have a lot of hope. Nearly every night I hope that he will come onto me, that he will bring up a sexual discussion or touch me without me directly asking.
I get angry that I have to try so hard for something that feels so natural. As I go through the day I find and see things that are arousing or make me think of a past or desired sexual acts. Why does it have to be a full discussion, why can't I just tease you and not feel bad about it?!
The anger, if not put to better use elsewhere or worked through, eventually morphs into resentment, or distaste.
I understand that feeling, and I know you probably also feel foolish for being so angry. You aren't. You deserve to be touched and loved and appreciated exactly the way you are. I hope you find some good words and uplifting threads around here, I just wish I had more to tell you besides that I can relate.
Stay strong mama.
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Post by h on Jul 30, 2017 5:53:13 GMT -5
I know the feeling. I was angry for months at a time broken up by stretches of depression. I'm just now getting past it since I started talking to people on here. I learned that I had a right to be angry because what my W was doing to me was wrong! It wasn't until I started doing something about it that I started feeling less angry.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 30, 2017 7:04:02 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 30, 2017 8:29:22 GMT -5
Anger is a healthy and normal response to a spouse who refuses to do the one thing that differentiates a marriage from being just roommates.
But you can't anger or plead or beg or even nice and patient enough to get someone to lust after you. You can't make someone love you the way you want and deserve.
Counseling can help you fully understand this and then take the steps to live a life in which anger is not your healthy response. This could be by your accepting that your husband is only a cop aren't and roommate and you can't change this. You could permanently sleep separately while expecting and desiring no physical love from him.
You could meet your sexual needs elsewhere or could choose to let go of that part of your life.
Or you could choose to end the marriage while continuing to coparent with him. You then would be completely free to find someone who'd have the kind of sexual committed relationship you had desired to have with your husband.
It's your life and you have choices.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 30, 2017 9:05:25 GMT -5
Ps I was a very angry person during many years of my sm. I used to fantasize plunging a dagger into my refuser' heart. Once I woke up in the middle of the night and deliberately punched him.
When I started detaching myself from him-- sleeping separately, getting involved with new friends and activities, and doing those things without him, my anger waned. When I decided to divorce, I became happy. Four years post divorce, I do not have an anger problem.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jul 30, 2017 9:34:04 GMT -5
I totally.... TOTALLY... know what you're going through. If it helps, I'm not angry anymore. It won't last forever. I had to experience the anger and let it run it's course. I wrote MANY angry letters to my wife that I never gave her. I vented on here. I did allow some of my anger to be expressed directly to her. ...but she was spared the real intense stuff. I had to work through it mostly on my own, but work through it i did. It's a process. It can't be rushed. It's not fun, but you WILL be better on the other side. I promise you that. Regardless of where you end up after you journey this road, you WILL be better. Things WILL get better. In the meantime, what is most important is that you travel the road, take your time, and let the process happen. Someday you will arrive at acceptance and realize that YOU are in charge of your life and YOU have the power to choose. Hang in there! We understand, and we are here for you.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 30, 2017 12:19:55 GMT -5
Anger is normal when a partnership doesn't deliver the connection promised.
While the refusal of sex is proximate, it's not the larger problem.
The larger problem is that your husband isn't attracted to you THAT WAY, and as a result of this aversion, you no longer have a sexual relationship with him.
Sleeping elsewhere likely is a relief - not to spite him, but rather to live the truth of the situation and give yourself some more restful sleep.
If you'd like advice, I'd recommend finding more permanent sleeping arrangements that do not involve your child in the middle of it. Your child needs to learn to sleep alone as well eventually. These kinds of disputes can snowball into putting the child as the proximate cause of the dysfunction.
You don't have a sexual relationship with your husband. Time to stop acting as if you do, for YOUR OWN sake.
You can't control how he feels (though that's obvious in the result), but you can control what you expect of the relationship.
If what you come to expect of the relationship is more of an ex-spouse co-parenting thing, and then you start acting accordingly, the burden on you decreases in many ways.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 30, 2017 14:52:08 GMT -5
Anger? Yeah, I get the anger.
You cannot control what your s/o does. You cannot even control how it makes you feel. The only thing you have control over is how you respond to those feelings.
I've spent so many nights so angry I couldn't stand to be in the same room as my wife, let alone the bed. The couch was my "cooling off place". Sometimes I didn't even bother going to bed, crashing on the couch watching TV, drinking, and watching porn. These actions? Not a good way to respond to those feelings.
Things only turned around when I realized the ways I dealt with my anger hurt me far more than they hurt the subject of my anger. So I worked on dragging myself out of anger and depression by correcting the poor behaviors that marked that time. I focused on meditation...simple breath counting...when the anger threatened to overwhelm me.
And eventually, I got the fuck out. For me, that was the only real "cure" for my anger. But that was only after the "disease" had progressed past the point where nothing other than amputation would work. I still get angry at the way things worked out sometimes, but it is a different kind of anger now, and much easier to deal with.
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Jul 30, 2017 20:35:41 GMT -5
Anger can give you the the shot of energy you need to change or escape what is hurting you. Listen to the anger and cultivate it while it can help you, then let it go.
Maybe while you're lying on the floor fuming you can start to formulate a plan.
Once you know what you want and are determined to get it, the solutions usually start to present themselves.
For me it is hard to think about trashing all the social respectability and financial security that come with a "successful" marriage. Is that a factor for you? Anger can make you not care about that stuff.
I encourage you to read and post more here and even to vent here. You'll get excellent feedback and it will be far more useful than sharing your feelings with your SO.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2017 20:41:09 GMT -5
Crazy makes crazy, it's not you.
There is so much about SM issues that are:
- Wrapped up all up with other things (some simple, some quite serious)
- About Control
Whether you decide to take one of the "big three" options 1. Stay 2. Leave 3. Cheat ....you have done one important thing in all of them, taken back control. Anger is a further loss of control in most cases so being uneasy about it is understandable. However, the anger can be motivating and lead you to doing what you need to do to stop relying on someone else for your happiness. Taking control can be a long term plan to leave, difficult counseling, commitment to making it work or something else but you decide.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 31, 2017 0:14:28 GMT -5
This post is on point. Where I am at right now. Very well stated. Anger is normal when a partnership doesn't deliver the connection promised. While the refusal of sex is proximate, it's not the larger problem. The larger problem is that your husband isn't attracted to you THAT WAY, and as a result of this aversion, you no longer have a sexual relationship with him. Sleeping elsewhere likely is a relief - not to spite him, but rather to live the truth of the situation and give yourself some more restful sleep. If you'd like advice, I'd recommend finding more permanent sleeping arrangements that do not involve your child in the middle of it. Your child needs to learn to sleep alone as well eventually. These kinds of disputes can snowball into putting the child as the proximate cause of the dysfunction. You don't have a sexual relationship with your husband. Time to stop acting as if you do, for YOUR OWN sake. You can't control how he feels (though that's obvious in the result), but you can control what you expect of the relationship. If what you come to expect of the relationship is more of an ex-spouse co-parenting thing, and then you start acting accordingly, the burden on you decreases in many ways. |
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