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Post by rejected101 on Jul 21, 2017 8:38:00 GMT -5
Some of my work colleagues and I had a discussion about sex recently. Light hearted humour for the most part. However because of my sexless marriage I have developed some views that some may find somewhat extreme which I shared (much to the dismay of one particular girl). She confessed in a jovial way that her partner and her have sex 2-3 times per month because it's what she likes. She joked that he would probably want it a lot more but she liked 2-3 times and the important thing was that she was happy. Very funny I joked, until you find out your partner is fucking his secretary. That comment led to a more serious discussion in which I revealed my opinions
1) Regularly turn your partner down and then jerk off behind their back and you are no better than a cheater.
2) having a low or lower sex drive doesn't mean you can't have and really enjoy sex beyond the perfect amount for you.
3) having sex as much or as little as YOU like is a recipe for disaster and extremely selfish.
I got mixed reactions and some played the old card of "no one should be pressured into having more sex". I happen to disagree because my view is that you need to find an amount of sex that works for the marriage and not one of the parties in the marriage.
Any views or comments
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 21, 2017 8:48:46 GMT -5
So instead of communication and compromise, you are saying that partners should be pressured into sex?
That's a very "male" view.
So tell me how a woman pressures he husband into more sex?
Because I don't see it.
And is the issue really just the act of sex itself?
Is it not also the intimacy, laughter, bonding and companionship that comes from a healthy and fulfilling marriage?
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 21, 2017 9:00:41 GMT -5
The word pressure is bothering me too, I like compromise better.
If her number is 3 and his number is 10 then 6 times a month seems fair but that only comes with communication.
It's just a sad reality when people are not compatible.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 21, 2017 9:22:35 GMT -5
Playing Devil's Advocate, if one wants 10x and the other 3x, 6x could leave them both unhappy.
Certainly, matching is the ideal, at least to give things a fair shot at the beginning. But the reality is that people change, and matched won't be matched forever. Which means communication and negotiation at the least, and some amount of compromise is to be expected for longevity.
However... I'm probably biased, but in the "people change" category, I think the burden is on the person who's deviating from the original behavior, not a simple compromise halfway.
For argument's sake, take the atypical example of a spouse who suddenly decides they want to "amp up" the sex life with a lot more frequency or activites (swinging, anyone?). Compromise shouldn't be the assumed outcome there, nor should it be just because one spouse wants less. Everything's negotiable, of course, but compromise shouldn't be assumed.
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Post by rejected101 on Jul 21, 2017 9:34:36 GMT -5
So instead of communication and compromise, you are saying that partners should be pressured into sex? That's a very "male" view. So tell me how a woman pressures he husband into more sex? Because I don't see it. And is the issue really just the act of sex itself? Is it not also the intimacy, laughter, bonding and companionship that comes from a healthy and fulfilling marriage? Erm no. You completely missed the point |
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Post by iceman on Jul 21, 2017 9:39:53 GMT -5
Compromise and compatibility comes to mind.
Nobody should be pressured into having sex they really don't want to have. Conversely, nobody in a relationship should be seriously deprived of sex with their partner either. Compromises need to be made by both parties to find common ground where the lower drive person doesn't feel pressured to have sex they really don't want but perhaps more often they would have if left to their own preferences. And the higher drive person shouldn't feel that they are being deprived of sex to the point where it becomes a problem for them and the relationship even though it might be less sex than they would like if they only considered their preferences. When you're in a relationship it's not just about your own preferences and don't care about your partner's preferences if they don't line up with yours. Compromise is essential.
If one one can't make those compromises and be okay with the compromises and not feel that you are being used, manipulated, neglected, etc. then the compatibility of the couple has to be questioned and whether the relationship is really viable in the long run.
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Post by rejected101 on Jul 21, 2017 9:42:48 GMT -5
My point has been entirely missed it would appear. Often there will be an excuse made by people that a person who expects more effort from your partner is automatically someone who puts 'pressure' on them. It's the age old way of getting someone to immediately back down and continue with what they want. There's a huge difference between asking for a change, asking for a compromise vs putting pressure on a person. Unfortunately, because no one wants to be placed in 'that' category of being someone who places pressure we tend to forget our right to ask for something more fair. A compromise.
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Post by rejected101 on Jul 21, 2017 9:46:22 GMT -5
The word pressure is bothering me too, I like compromise better. If her number is 3 and his number is 10 then 6 times a month seems fair but that only comes with communication. It's just a sad reality when people are not compatible. But you make my point in this very example. One person wants 3 and one wants 10. 6 is the compromise and you get their with communication. Except, the second you open your mouth and ask for more you are someone who puts 'pressure' on your partner according to a lot of people. Hence why they instant reaction from my work colleagues was to jump to that very conclusion. In fact Wewbwb has also sprung immediately to that conclusion. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 21, 2017 9:50:35 GMT -5
"I got mixed reactions and some played the old card of "no one should be pressured into having more sex". I happen to disagree because my view is that you need to find an amount of sex that works for the marriage and not one of the parties in the marriage.
Sure- I missed the point.
Sorry.
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Post by rejected101 on Jul 21, 2017 9:56:48 GMT -5
"I got mixed reactions and some played the old card of "no one should be pressured into having more sex". I happen to disagree because my view is that you need to find an amount of sex that works for the marriage and not one of the parties in the marriage. Sure- I missed the point. Sorry. Nice play on words but my point is that asking for compromise is immediately and always twisted in to placing pressure. Even by you. You are the perfect example of this so thank you for missing the point. Also nice to see how you have instantly gone for the more confrontational approach and tried to imply I am exactly what no one wants to be. You're a fool. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 21, 2017 10:08:45 GMT -5
rejected101 So me quoting your own words in a thread titled "extreme views" because I do not agree with them makes me a fool. Okay. So the four others who "missed your point" must be also. Or maybe the reason that everyone missed the point was because you didn't illustrate it clearly. But thank you for the personal attack. That explains a lot about your character to me.
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Post by rejected101 on Jul 21, 2017 10:21:20 GMT -5
rejected101 So me quoting your own words in a thread titled "extreme views" because I do not agree with them makes me a fool. Okay. So the four others who "missed your point" must be also. Or maybe the reason that everyone missed the point was because you didn't illustrate it clearly. But thank you for the personal attack. That explains a lot about your character to me. So yours wasn't a personal attack? It was entitled extreme views because that is exactly what many people instantly refer to it as the second you stand your ground and try to get people to even consider a compromise. I will concede that having written it in a rush it could well have been illustrated more clearly but like I say, there is a way to word things and yours is very confrontational which says a lot about your character. Look everyone, here is a guy who has extreme views. I don't so I must be a nicer more appealing man. I don't doubt that this could now drag on and on with us exchanging pleasantries so I'll I'll make this my final post on here full stop and wave goodbye to everyone and wish them all the best. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 21, 2017 10:43:57 GMT -5
rejected101 So me quoting your own words in a thread titled "extreme views" because I do not agree with them makes me a fool. Okay. So the four others who "missed your point" must be also. Or maybe the reason that everyone missed the point was because you didn't illustrate it clearly. But thank you for the personal attack. That explains a lot about your character to me. So yours wasn't a personal attack? It was entitled extreme views because that is exactly what many people instantly refer to it as the second you stand your ground and try to get people to even consider a compromise. I will concede that having written it in a rush it could well have been illustrated more clearly but like I say, there is a way to word things and yours is very confrontational which says a lot about your character. Look everyone, here is a guy who has extreme views. I don't so I must be a nicer more appealing man. I don't doubt that this could now drag on and on with us exchanging pleasantries so I'll I'll make this my final post on here full stop and wave goodbye to everyone and wish them all the best.  |
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 21, 2017 11:06:09 GMT -5
I agree with your three points.
I also misunderstood your point about pressure like others have, but you cleared it up. You seek compromise, others see pressure. (But pressure is not always a bad thing. Can't wait a lifetime for change to happen.)
Finally, I hope your female colleague was receptive and not offended by your response, you said it jokingly, and hopefully gently. Sounds like you are pretty close to your co-workers to discuss sensitive topic like that.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jul 21, 2017 11:14:17 GMT -5
1) Regularly turn your partner down and then jerk off behind their back and you are no better than a cheater. I agree with that. I agree with this in principle. I'm just not sure how flexible people truly are in this regard. Plus, I imagine that if it is more sex than they can keep up with, then it can turn into duty sex. I'd personally rather sacrifice a little bit of quantity in exchange for better quality. ...but that's just me. I agree with this. It's important to be there for your partner. It's equally as important to keep your own needs in mind too and make sure that you aren't overextending yourself or sacrificing yourself. It's quite a balancing act and I think both people need to compromise to the best of their ability. I think in general that all 3 of these points are valid. I think points 2 and 3 are manageable when dealing with a relationship where 2 people are in the same ball park sexually. It's tough to bridge these sorts of gaps when one person wants sex a reasonable amount of time and the other has no interest at all. I imagine most of us here are in that boat. As for your friend. I think 2 to 3 times a month is very reasonable. It's not ideal for me, but it's funny because given my history with a SM, having a WILLING partner that often would be a freaking dream come true. That frequency is very manageable and sustainable in my book. So, for me, I personally wouldn't see the point in asking for more if she were my wife. I'd be content with conceding to her level of desire without any attempt to ask for a compromise. I'd rather her be at her ideal level so the quality remains over time. ...but see, all of this thought process goes out the window if she would have said 2 or 3 times a YEAR. We'd be worlds apart and we'd never find a compromise that we could both live with. ...sadly, that is probably not far from my the actual reality in my marriage. |
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