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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 21, 2017 12:49:00 GMT -5
Some of my work colleagues and I had a discussion about sex recently. Light hearted humour for the most part. However because of my sexless marriage I have developed some views that some may find somewhat extreme which I shared (much to the dismay of one particular girl). She confessed in a jovial way that her partner and her have sex 2-3 times per month because it's what she likes. She joked that he would probably want it a lot more but she liked 2-3 times and the important thing was that she was happy. Very funny I joked, until you find out your partner is fucking his secretary. That comment led to a more serious discussion in which I revealed my opinions 1) Regularly turn your partner down and then jerk off behind their back and you are no better than a cheater. 2) having a low or lower sex drive doesn't mean you can't have and really enjoy sex beyond the perfect amount for you. 3) having sex as much or as little as YOU like is a recipe for disaster and extremely selfish. I got mixed reactions and some played the old card of "no one should be pressured into having more sex". I happen to disagree because my view is that you need to find an amount of sex that works for the marriage and not one of the parties in the marriage. Any views or comments Like yourself I believe my views about sex and intimacy have changed greatly due to my SM, and communicating with others on several forums. I am no longer restrained to views from living with a controller, and my upbringing. "It's what she likes...he would (probably) want it a lot more....the more important thing is that she was happy." Sounds like a case of GU. ( even if she's not a mother yet) shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden-uterus-complex-15-characteristics-of-the-golden-uterus/Sounds very familiar to what so many men on here have dealt with, " That's all you ever think about is sex", when clearly that is nothing but a controlling tactic that gets proven wrong here by many men. What it does prove is that it has become a normal point of view used as a feminist, sexist point of view against all men, by labeling them and grouping them together, by considering it a "male" view. Ironically it's far from the truth, when it comes to either gender when dealing with a LL verses a HL. Again male or female has nothing to do with it. It's about control and manipulation. It would not surprise me at all if this woman's idea of "compromise" is no longer 1% his way and 99% her way. Instead she agrees to 2% his way and 98% her way. She now doubled it. That's a 100% compromise! (In her eyes, only!) |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 12:59:40 GMT -5
What DryCreek said: "....but in the 'people change' category, I think the burden is on the person who's deviating from the original behavior, not a simple compromise halfway." |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 13:04:39 GMT -5
Slightly off-topic, but greatcoastal, I love the "golden uterus" article. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 21, 2017 13:28:00 GMT -5
What DryCreek said: "....but in the 'people change' category, I think the burden is on the person who's deviating from the original behavior, not a simple compromise halfway." Very true. There's also a lot of "unknowns" to this story. For all we know this woman has been married 6 months and loved bombed her H. and is now moving the "goal post" further and further off the field. It happens. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 21, 2017 13:57:07 GMT -5
The word pressure is bothering me too, I like compromise better. If her number is 3 and his number is 10 then 6 times a month seems fair but that only comes with communication. It's just a sad reality when people are not compatible. But you make my point in this very example. One person wants 3 and one wants 10. 6 is the compromise and you get their with communication. Except, the second you open your mouth and ask for more you are someone who puts 'pressure' on your partner according to a lot of people. Hence why they instant reaction from my work colleagues was to jump to that very conclusion. In fact Wewbwb has also sprung immediately to that conclusion. If they feel it's pressure then that's on them. They can either compromise or move on. Granted my POV is as a single woman now not a marriage or a relationship but if I were in a relationship I accept that the low libido spouse will have their needs met better but as long as I feel wanted and desired I could compromise to twice a week that would be my bare minimum. I have my bottom line they have their max we can either meet in the middle or not. Marriage, mortgages, kids, etc. keep people imprisoned in dysfunctional incompatible relationships. I won't marry again. |
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tori
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Jul 21, 2017 15:22:13 GMT -5
My view is that sex should never be a source of contention or reason for argument. Is there such thing as sexual harmony? I wonder anymore. Are there any couples that actually sync sexually? I've been in other relationships prior to my marriage and sex was never an issue for myself or my partner. I refuse to believe there's a shortage of people that want to fuck, I just think I chose poorly. I NEVER pressure or beg my husband to fuck me, I buy batteries in bulk and pleasure myself. Right now it works.
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Post by csl on Jul 21, 2017 16:17:38 GMT -5
So instead of communication and compromise, you are saying that partners should be pressured into sex? That's a very "male" view. So tell me how a woman pressures he husband into more sex? Because I don't see it. And is the issue really just the act of sex itself? Is it not also the intimacy, laughter, bonding and companionship that comes from a healthy and fulfilling marriage? *checks the title of this website* *yup, still ILIASM* How many of the women who inhabit ILIASM have divorced over little to no sex? |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 21, 2017 18:48:12 GMT -5
Measuring by the number of times throws me, a bit, but there's no good measurement I can think of to replace that with. The length of time and the type of sex are also important to me.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 21, 2017 21:53:44 GMT -5
I believe in body autonomy. For both spouses. The refuser has every right to withhold sex. Their spouse has every right to get their needs fulfilled. Wherever.
But most of the peeps screaming about their body autonomy are unwilling to extend the same rights to their spouse. Eventually that spouse will claim their body autonomy. My wife was quite devastated when I took back control of my balls and left.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 21, 2017 22:06:52 GMT -5
I'm amazed at the people I have discussed that with. They are fine, asserting that you should not force your partner to meet your needs, but throw out the "cheater" word whenever you say you have the right to fill the needs your spouse refuses to. One argument at a time, one person at a time, I'd like to move society out of that mindset.
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Post by pfviento on Jul 21, 2017 22:08:07 GMT -5
Some of my work colleagues and I had a discussion about sex recently. Light hearted humour for the most part. However because of my sexless marriage I have developed some views that some may find somewhat extreme which I shared (much to the dismay of one particular girl). She confessed in a jovial way that her partner and her have sex 2-3 times per month because it's what she likes. She joked that he would probably want it a lot more but she liked 2-3 times and the important thing was that she was happy. Very funny I joked, until you find out your partner is fucking his secretary. That comment led to a more serious discussion in which I revealed my opinions 1) Regularly turn your partner down and then jerk off behind their back and you are no better than a cheater. 2) having a low or lower sex drive doesn't mean you can't have and really enjoy sex beyond the perfect amount for you. 3) having sex as much or as little as YOU like is a recipe for disaster and extremely selfish. I got mixed reactions and some played the old card of "no one should be pressured into having more sex". I happen to disagree because my view is that you need to find an amount of sex that works for the marriage and not one of the parties in the marriage. Any views or comments The "important thing is she was happy" not they are happy would seem to be a telling statement even in a joking way. I think I can understand where rejected is coming from. Ultimately even having "the talk" could be construed as coercion. I.E. if you don't start behaving a certain way I am leaving. According to my spouse the fact that I refuse to merge some accounts and have taken to sorting through things and leaving things in boxes is an implied threat of divorce that "pressures" her. Is keeping my options open pressuring or forcing her to give me sex? From her point of view I suppose that might be valid. That's actually a problem for me now since that hurts my desire to have it with her. I don't want to feel like I am forcing myself on anyone. |
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DrNo
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jul 21, 2017 22:12:09 GMT -5
My point has been entirely missed it would appear. Often there will be an excuse made by people that a person who expects more effort from your partner is automatically someone who puts 'pressure' on them. It's the age old way of getting someone to immediately back down and continue with what they want. There's a huge difference between asking for a change, asking for a compromise vs putting pressure on a person. Unfortunately, because no one wants to be placed in 'that' category of being someone who places pressure we tend to forget our right to ask for something more fair. A compromise. Can I just say that your point was not missed by me, I saw exactly what you were trying to say and I did not over indulge the word "pressure" ... in fact I felt that some, not all, of the responders were quite threatening in nature, rather than discussing it with you. I wish you all the best, wherever you are on this lovely planet of ours. Moses |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 21, 2017 22:32:31 GMT -5
I'm amazed at the people I have discussed that with. They are fine, asserting that you should not force your partner to meet your needs, but throw out the "cheater" word whenever you say you have the right to fill the needs your spouse refuses to. One argument at a time, one person at a time, I'd like to move society out of that mindset. Not cheating. Body autonomy. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 21, 2017 23:00:57 GMT -5
Some of my work colleagues and I had a discussion about sex recently. Light hearted humour for the most part. However because of my sexless marriage I have developed some views that some may find somewhat extreme which I shared (much to the dismay of one particular girl). She confessed in a jovial way that her partner and her have sex 2-3 times per month because it's what she likes. She joked that he would probably want it a lot more but she liked 2-3 times and the important thing was that she was happy. Very funny I joked, until you find out your partner is fucking his secretary. That comment led to a more serious discussion in which I revealed my opinions 1) Regularly turn your partner down and then jerk off behind their back and you are no better than a cheater. 2) having a low or lower sex drive doesn't mean you can't have and really enjoy sex beyond the perfect amount for you. 3) having sex as much or as little as YOU like is a recipe for disaster and extremely selfish. I got mixed reactions and some played the old card of "no one should be pressured into having more sex". I happen to disagree because my view is that you need to find an amount of sex that works for the marriage and not one of the parties in the marriage. Any views or comments The "important thing is she was happy" not they are happy would seem to be a telling statement even in a joking way. I think I can understand where rejected is coming from. Ultimately even having "the talk" could be construed as coercion. I.E. if you don't start behaving a certain way I am leaving. According to my spouse the fact that I refuse to merge some accounts and have taken to sorting through things and leaving things in boxes is an implied threat of divorce that "pressures" her. Is keeping my options open pressuring or forcing her to give me sex? From her point of view I suppose that might be valid. That's actually a problem for me now since that hurts my desire to have it with her. I don't want to feel like I am forcing myself on anyone. I've come to the belief that there is no point in The Talk unless the purpose is to serve papers. The Talk is, indeed, the ultimate form of coercion. That means there will be no last chance. But that is what they wanted since they want no pressure. No pressure = no warning, no last chance |
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Post by bran127 on Jul 21, 2017 23:44:45 GMT -5
I have been pondering this and I can understand what you mean when you say "pressure"' because anytime anyone is asked to do something that is important or that somebody else feels
Is important, is pressure. . Pressure to do it, pressure to do it right, etc. I do feel that with communication compromise shouldn't feel like pressure. I think communication and compromise should relieve some of the pressure. Communication is letting that person know you are pressuring them in a way that's making them uncomfortable, and compromise is What occurs to relieve that pressure. I get what you mean though.....says the person that is still is a sexless marriage shithole 😁
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