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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 13:18:33 GMT -5
I was discreet about it, partly because I didn't want to make him feel even worse than he already did (for those who don't know, Mr. Kat had health problems - so the refusing did not start out as a way to hurt me on purpose.)
The other thing was - I wanted to protect the identities and privacy of the other people in the group. I have some male friends here who PM me. Suppose one of them had had a real harpy for a refusing wife, and found out who I was, or who other people in the group are?
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jul 21, 2017 13:40:15 GMT -5
My spouse would simply see it at further evidence of my being a "typical oversexed male". However, I consider it private space for me to vent and share a little now that i'm resigned to my life as an ascetic monk. What would she say if she knew at least half of us are women? She would never believe it. She doesn't think normal people, and thus normal women, want sex at all. Then again, i suppose she would see us all as abnormal as she loves judging people to a peculiar degree. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 14:05:36 GMT -5
What would she say if she knew at least half of us are women? She would never believe it. She doesn't think normal people, and thus normal women, want sex at all. Then again, i suppose she would see us all as abnormal as she loves judging people to a peculiar degree. So she thinks she's normal and almost everybody else on the planet is messed up? There's probably a name for that problem that's hard to pronounce. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 21, 2017 14:39:43 GMT -5
She would never believe it. She doesn't think normal people, and thus normal women, want sex at all. Then again, i suppose she would see us all as abnormal as she loves judging people to a peculiar degree. So she thinks she's normal and almost everybody else on the planet is messed up? There's probably a name for that problem that's hard to pronounce. I believe the term is "Fucktarded" and if I'm not mistaken, it is French. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 16:58:57 GMT -5
My spouse would simply see it at further evidence of my being a "typical oversexed male". However, I consider it private space for me to vent and share a little now that i'm resigned to my life as an ascetic monk. What would she say if she knew at least half of us are women? I hadn't thought about that, good question to noodle on. If my spouse saw that the forum is approximately 50% women, she would probably find that somewhat surprising (or even question it). She's not the jealous type so I doubt she would find that threatening although I don't really know to be honest. She doesn't view my libido as abnormal per se, but her worldview and friend-group supports the stereotypical notion that men are oversexed and women are reasonable. It's hard to say, we haven't had a sex conversation in five years or so. Once I decided to stay I also decided to stop bringing it up as a solvable or compromise issue. I'm sure that was a huge relief to her and I own the fact that I just didn't want to be the needy one. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 22, 2017 6:24:19 GMT -5
What would she say if she knew at least half of us are women? I hadn't thought about that, good question to noodle on. If my spouse saw that the forum is approximately 50% women, she would probably find that somewhat surprising (or even question it). She's not the jealous type so I doubt she would find that threatening although I don't really know to be honest. She doesn't view my libido as abnormal per se, but her worldview and friend-group supports the stereotypical notion that men are oversexed and women are reasonable. It's hard to say, we haven't had a sex conversation in five years or so. Once I decided to stay I also decided to stop bringing it up as a solvable or compromise issue. I'm sure that was a huge relief to her and I own the fact that I just didn't want to be the needy one. Just because you stopped bringing up the topic 5 years ago does not mean it is closed for all time. Bring it up or don't bring it up. Either way you are making a decision on the matter. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 22, 2017 6:59:43 GMT -5
My W was in shock when I told her about 1/2 the people here are woman.
She had found a marriage board before I told her about me pain l posting in a SM board, but she said it was mostly men and they were very bitter.
I don't think she ever realized that summer men wouldn't want sex and the woman were the ones begging for sex and intimacy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 22, 2017 7:05:11 GMT -5
What would she say if she knew at least half of us are women? I hadn't thought about that, good question to noodle on. If my spouse saw that the forum is approximately 50% women, she would probably find that somewhat surprising (or even question it). She's not the jealous type so I doubt she would find that threatening although I don't really know to be honest. She doesn't view my libido as abnormal per se, but her worldview and friend-group supports the stereotypical notion that men are oversexed and women are reasonable. It's hard to say, we haven't had a sex conversation in five years or so. Once I decided to stay I also decided to stop bringing it up as a solvable or compromise issue. I'm sure that was a huge relief to her and I own the fact that I just didn't want to be the needy one. This is just one part (a very important part, sex, and intimacy) of a W or H's disguised, control issues that are exposed after the wedding, after the house is purchased, after the child is born, after the move, after the career change, etc... It also carries into every other aspect of your relationship. Finances ,career choices, family planning, raising of children, activities, religion, etc.... Just think of how different you would handle things in the past, now, and in the future, being single again. That easily shows who has been doing the compromising. These worldview, friend supportive stereotypical notions, (as you so rightly put it) are normally well disguised when you where first dating. if they weren't you would have run the other way. I also seriously doubt that you just out of the blue, one day "decided to stop bringing it up as a solvable or compromise issue." Instead your efforts to have a voice, an opinion, to take the lead, where bombarded with DARVO. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 22, 2017 10:16:26 GMT -5
My W was in shock when I told her about 1/2 the people here are woman. She had found a marriage board before I told her about me pain l posting in a SM board, but she said it was mostly men and they were very bitter. I don't think she ever realized that summer men wouldn't want sex and the woman were the ones begging for sex and intimacy. So, let's go back to elementary logic class: Socrates was a man All men are rational Therefore, Socrates was rational According to your wife You are a sexually deprived man Sexually deprived men are bitter It would sure as hell make sense that you're bitter. Should she be surprised that you behave that way and your marriage is in trouble? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2017 12:02:12 GMT -5
shamwow, I was going to answer here, but this triggered a full-blown blog post.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 23, 2017 0:51:54 GMT -5
shamwow, I was going to answer here, but this triggered a full-blown blog post. That sounds painful. Is a full blown blog post like a hernia or something? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2017 19:50:37 GMT -5
shamwow, I was going to answer here, but this triggered a full-blown blog post. That sounds painful. Is a full blown blog post like a hernia or something? More like having a seizure, I think. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 9:02:35 GMT -5
I hadn't thought about that, good question to noodle on. If my spouse saw that the forum is approximately 50% women, she would probably find that somewhat surprising (or even question it). She's not the jealous type so I doubt she would find that threatening although I don't really know to be honest. She doesn't view my libido as abnormal per se, but her worldview and friend-group supports the stereotypical notion that men are oversexed and women are reasonable. It's hard to say, we haven't had a sex conversation in five years or so. Once I decided to stay I also decided to stop bringing it up as a solvable or compromise issue. I'm sure that was a huge relief to her and I own the fact that I just didn't want to be the needy one. This is just one part (a very important part, sex, and intimacy) of a W or H's disguised, control issues that are exposed after the wedding, after the house is purchased, after the child is born, after the move, after the career change, etc... It also carries into every other aspect of your relationship. Finances ,career choices, family planning, raising of children, activities, religion, etc.... Just think of how different you would handle things in the past, now, and in the future, being single again. That easily shows who has been doing the compromising. These worldview, friend supportive stereotypical notions, (as you so rightly put it) are normally well disguised when you where first dating. if they weren't you would have run the other way. I also seriously doubt that you just out of the blue, one day "decided to stop bringing it up as a solvable or compromise issue." Instead your efforts to have a voice, an opinion, to take the lead, where bombarded with DARVO. There are, of course, power dynamics in every relationship and i've identified our patterns with some accuracy. Something as powerful as DARVO hasn't been at play although my efforts have certainly been thwarted over the years in many ways. My decision, as you rightly put it, wasn't made in one day. Being the refused had put me in the weaker position over a long period of time and had taken a toll on a number of aspects in our relationship. I wanted that to end and leading the way to a wonderland of passionate sex on my terms wasn't going to happen. It's not ideal but, most things usually aren't. If my eyes had been opened earlier would I have made a different choice? Yes. But they weren't so now I just manage. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2017 15:12:47 GMT -5
At first i had some anxiety that she would somehow find out and find me. Then on thinking about this more clearly, i realized that this was never going to happen as there would never be a way or reason that she would discover a sexless marriage board as she believes that marriages without sex are perfectly normal and desirable. My refuser would be the same. I really don't think she would ever take the time to find this board, much less read or post. I took down my face picture until the divorce is finalized. After that, I will put it back up. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Jul 26, 2017 15:27:06 GMT -5
What would she say if she knew at least half of us are women? She would never believe it. She doesn't think normal people, and thus normal women, want sex at all. Then again, i suppose she would see us all as abnormal as she loves judging people to a peculiar degree. Wow.... I think our wives are related... |
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